Tommy: "Let's think about this for a sec, Ted. Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmm. Very interesting."
Ted Nelson (Colin Fox): "Go on, I'm listening."
Tommy: "Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside."
Ted: "Yeah, it makes a man feel good."
Tommy: "Of course it does. Why shouldn't it? You figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the guarantee fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?"
Ted: "What's your point?"
Tommy: "The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? 'Building model airplanes', say's the little fairy. Well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. Next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up. I've seen it a hundred times."
Ted: "But why do they put a guarantee on the box, then?"
Tommy: "'Cause they know all the sold you was a guaranteed piece of bleep. That's all it is isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, you might want to think about buying a quality product from me."
Ted: "Oxay, I'll buy from you."
Tommy: "Well that's..."
Tommy and Richard: "What?"