Semi-Pro: jiveturkey.mp3 (2096 K) 

Lou Redwood: "Oh my god, what the bleep is that? It's incredible."
Jackie Moon: "It's called fondue."
Lou Redwood: "Fon what?"
Jackie Moon: "Fondue. Three different cheeses, melted. That's what you're tasting. Gorgonzola, muenster and cottage."
Bobby Dee (Andy Richter): "It's the latest thing from Sweden, apparently."
Dick Pepperfield: "Well, I'm not surprised about that. The Swedes are so inventive, aren't they?"
Jackie Moon: "Yep, they really are."
Bobby Dee: "Oh, they are my favorite producers of pornography."
Jackie Moon: "They make an excellent bleep picture."
Dick Pepperfield: "Well, I think I'll excuse myself from this conversation right now."
Jackie Moon: "To the men's room."
Dick Pepperfield: "Oh, stop it."
Jackie Moon: "To make your wiener sing, boner machine. Now--"
Dick Pepperfield: "Oh, I am not a boner machine."
Lou Redwood: "Swedish Porn saved my life in 'Nam."
Jackie Moon: "Okay."
Dick Pepperfield: "Oh."
Cornelius Banks (Tim Meadows): "Great, here we go."
Lou Redwood: "Come on, bleep you guys!"
Bobby Dee: "Let me get my violin."
Lou Redwood: "Swedish porn was the only thing that kept my mind off Charlie when I was in the shit."
Bobby Dee: "Is the shit in Ann Arbor? 'Cause that's where you were during the war."
Jackie Moon: "He really believes it."
Cornelius Banks: "You were never in 'Nam, you jive turkey. (silence and Lou gives him the evil eye and everybody else looks scared)"
Lou Redwood: "You just call me a Jive turkey?"
Jackie Moon: "No. No, he did not. He, uh, he called you a bleepsucker. Right? Right, Cornelius."
Cornelius Banks: "Yeah, yeah. I just called you a bleepsucker."
Lou Redwood: "I'm pretty sure that you called me a jive turkey."
Dick Pepperfield: "No, no. Now, Lou, nobody called anyone a JT."
Lou Redwood: "Jive turkey is a little over the line, my man!"
Jackie Moon: "Look, we're all here. We all heard what was said and we're in agreement. Cornelius said bleepsucker. Right?"
Bobby Dee: "Yes. He just said you suck bleep."
Dick Pepperfield: "That's all he said about you."
Jackie Moon: "Now, come on. Dig into that fondue, you little bleepsucker."
Lou Redwood: "We like playing games don't we? "
Jackie Moon: "We do, we're playing one right now!"
Lou Redwood: "I'm gonna show you guys this game that I learned when I was in bleeping 'Nam! (He pulls out a gun and points it at Cornelius)"
Bobby Dee: "Oh, no, no, no!"
Cornelius Banks: "Oh, my god!"
Dick Pepperfield: "Now, Lou, Lou."
Lou Redwood: "Who's the jive turkey now? (Then he starts to laugh) Gun's not loaded! (everybody starts laughing)"
Cornelius Banks: "You son of a bitch!"
Lou Redwood: "It's not loaded."
Jackie Moon: "It's not loaded."
Lou Redwood: "You should'a seen your bleepdamn face!"
Bobby Dee: "Oh! There's no bullets in there!"
Lou Redwood: "I never load it!"
Cornelius Banks: "The gun was not loaded!"
Jackie Moon: "(He picks up the gun and points it at his head) I'll see you bleepers in hell! (He pulls the trigger)"
Bobby Dee: "Jackie, Love Me Sexy is the worst song I've ever heard. (He pulls the trigger at Jackie)"
Cornelius Banks: "Watch this! I did call you a jive turkey. (He pulls the trigger at Lou as everyone continues laughing)"
Bobby Dee: "He did!"
Dick Pepperfield: "I got one. Hey, Lou, I know you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield! (He pulls the trigger at Lou) Rah!"
Lou Redwood: "We're saying nutty things 'cause they're not true. Especially that. More than the rest. It never happened."
Jackie Moon: "Hey. Bond, Jamen Bond."
Bobby Dee: "Oh, there it is."
Dick Pepperfield: "How do you like your martini, sir?"
Jackie Moon: "Stirred in a half-carafe. (He pulls the trigger at his wiener)"
Bobby Dee: "Oh, he shoots himself--"
Jackie Moon: "He shoots himself in the wiener. (He thrown the gun on the table and it goes off and the bullet ricochets around the room) Everybody okay?"
Bobby Dee: "I think so."
Jackie Moon: "I'm fine."
Dick Pepperfield: "Whoa. Wow. We just literally dodged a bullet."
Jackie Moon: "We sure did! Except for Cornelius. (Blood starts coming out of his arm)"
Everybody: "Oh!"
Cornelius Banks: "Whoa, I did got shot! (With a big smile on his face)"