Lou Redwood: "Oh my god, what the bleep is that? It's incredible."
Jackie Moon: "It's called fondue."
Lou Redwood: "Fon what?"
Jackie Moon: "Fondue. Three different cheeses, melted. That's what you're tasting. Gorgonzola, muenster and cottage."
Bobby Dee (Andy Richter): "It's the latest thing from Sweden, apparently."
Dick Pepperfield: "Well, I'm not surprised about that. The Swedes are so inventive, aren't they?"
Jackie Moon: "Yep, they really are."
Bobby Dee: "Oh, they are my favorite producers of pornography."
Jackie Moon: "They make an excellent bleep picture."
Dick Pepperfield: "Well, I think I'll excuse myself from this conversation right now."
Jackie Moon: "To the men's room."
Dick Pepperfield: "Oh, stop it."
Jackie Moon: "To make your wiener sing, boner machine. Now--"
Dick Pepperfield: "Oh, I am not a boner machine."
Lou Redwood: "Swedish Porn saved my life in 'Nam."
Jackie Moon: "Okay."
Dick Pepperfield: "Oh."
Cornelius Banks (Tim Meadows): "Great, here we go."
Lou Redwood: "Come on, bleep you guys!"
Bobby Dee: "Let me get my violin."
Lou Redwood: "Swedish porn was the only thing that kept my mind off Charlie when I was in the shit."
Bobby Dee: "Is the shit in Ann Arbor? 'Cause that's where you were during the war."
Jackie Moon: "He really believes it."
Cornelius Banks: "You were never in 'Nam, you jive turkey. (silence and Lou gives him the evil eye and everybody else looks scared)"
Lou Redwood: "You just call me a Jive turkey?"
Jackie Moon: "No. No, he did not. He, uh, he called you a bleepsucker. Right? Right, Cornelius."
Cornelius Banks: "Yeah, yeah. I just called you a bleepsucker."
Lou Redwood: "I'm pretty sure that you called me a jive turkey."
Dick Pepperfield: "No, no. Now, Lou, nobody called anyone a JT."
Lou Redwood: "Jive turkey is a little over the line, my man!"
Jackie Moon: "Look, we're all here. We all heard what was said and we're in agreement. Cornelius said bleepsucker. Right?"
Bobby Dee: "Yes. He just said you suck bleep."
Dick Pepperfield: "That's all he said about you."
Jackie Moon: "Now, come on. Dig into that fondue, you little bleepsucker."
Lou Redwood: "We like playing games don't we? "
Jackie Moon: "We do, we're playing one right now!"
Lou Redwood: "I'm gonna show you guys this game that I learned when I was in bleeping 'Nam! (He pulls out a gun and points it at Cornelius)"
Bobby Dee: "Oh, no, no, no!"
Cornelius Banks: "Oh, my god!"
Dick Pepperfield: "Now, Lou, Lou."
Lou Redwood: "Who's the jive turkey now? (Then he starts to laugh) Gun's not loaded! (everybody starts laughing)"
Cornelius Banks: "You son of a bitch!"
Lou Redwood: "It's not loaded."
Jackie Moon: "It's not loaded."
Lou Redwood: "You should'a seen your bleepdamn face!"
Bobby Dee: "Oh! There's no bullets in there!"
Lou Redwood: "I never load it!"
Cornelius Banks: "The gun was not loaded!"
Jackie Moon: "(He picks up the gun and points it at his head) I'll see you bleepers in hell! (He pulls the trigger)"
Bobby Dee: "Jackie, Love Me Sexy is the worst song I've ever heard. (He pulls the trigger at Jackie)"
Cornelius Banks: "Watch this! I did call you a jive turkey. (He pulls the trigger at Lou as everyone continues laughing)"
Bobby Dee: "He did!"
Dick Pepperfield: "I got one. Hey, Lou, I know you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield! (He pulls the trigger at Lou) Rah!"
Lou Redwood: "We're saying nutty things 'cause they're not true. Especially that. More than the rest. It never happened."
Jackie Moon: "Hey. Bond, Jamen Bond."
Bobby Dee: "Oh, there it is."
Dick Pepperfield: "How do you like your martini, sir?"
Jackie Moon: "Stirred in a half-carafe. (He pulls the trigger at his wiener)"
Bobby Dee: "Oh, he shoots himself--"
Jackie Moon: "He shoots himself in the wiener. (He thrown the gun on the table and it goes off and the bullet ricochets around the room) Everybody okay?"
Bobby Dee: "I think so."
Jackie Moon: "I'm fine."
Dick Pepperfield: "Whoa. Wow. We just literally dodged a bullet."
Jackie Moon: "We sure did! Except for Cornelius. (Blood starts coming out of his arm)"
Everybody: "Oh!"
Cornelius Banks: "Whoa, I did got shot! (With a big smile on his face)"
autoplay on
Semi-Pro: jiveturkey.mp3 (2096 K)
To download as a ringtone put the URL below into your cell phone's browser: (Not all cell phones support this feature.)
Purple Matress: Life's too short to be uncomfortable.
To use as ringtone on your iPhone open the m4r audio file with iTunes and it will automatically be put in the "Ringtones" folder. Then sync your phone. You may need to check the "Sync ringtones" box under the "Ringtones" tab in iTunes for your iPhone. (Unfortunately if the sound clip is over 40 seconds it will not work because iTunes puts a limit on it.)