Marty: "Sir, sir, reading the news is one thing, but this stuff you wrote, it's not funny, sir. It's sad."
Lt. Hauk: ""
Garlick: "Sir, I'm begging you. Don't try to do comedy. It's not in your blood."
Lt. Hauk: "I'll do fine. Comedy is what you make it. I've got pages and pages of great material. Right, Abersold?"
Pvt. Abersold: "I'm afraid you're gonna gonna be hittin' bottom, sir."
Lt. Hauk: "If it isn't funny, then why did I hear you laughing when you typed it?"
Pvt. Abersold: "I was thinking of something else."
Lt. Hauk: "Thank you for your support. Now I've got a show to do."
Garlick: "Sir, you're not funny. Ask around."
Marty: "Ask me. Sir, with all due respect, uh, I think you're gonna... you might lay an egg. I mean a big egg. I mean, I know funny, and I don't think you're it. I mean hey, such is life. Me, I'm not much with power tools."