Lt. Hauk: "Okay. Who do we have slated for live entertainment in November?"
Sgt. Phil McPherson (Juney Smith): "Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope, bit it turns out he won't come."
Lt. Hauk: "Why not?"
Garlick: "He doesn't play police actions, just wars. Bob likes a big room, sir."
Lt. Hauk: "That is not funny!"
Pvt. Abersold: "How about if it escalated?"
Lt. Hauk: "How about if what escalated?"
Pvt. Abersold: "The Vietnam conflict."
Lt. Hauk: "The Vietnam conflict. We are not going to escalate a whole war just so we can book a big-name comedian! We can get Tony Bennett or Trini Lopez."
Eddie Kirk (Floyd Vivino): "I got it. Jerry Vale. He closes the Copa on the 18th."
Lt. Hauk: "Is that date firm?"
Eddie Kirk: "I got it from my niece."
Cronauer: "Oh, come on. This is not the Catskills. Get somebody good. Get The Beach Boys. Don't dick around here."
Marty: "Oh, we tried, but their agent says they're still on the beach and they won't be off the sand 'til November! Ba-da-bang!"
Lt. Hauk: "Didn't somebody wearing my uniform and bearing a striking resemblance to myself just say that that kind of music was inappropriate?"
Marty: "Sorry, sir. I haven't been to sleep."