All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 11Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).
graduate.wav(242K) graduate.mp3(242K) graduate.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III (Chris Farley): "Sorry, Parden Me. Can I just check this out? D-plus? Oh, my god. I passed! I passed! Oh, man! I got a D-Plus! I'm going to graduate! I wish we'd known each other. This is a little akward."
giveout.wav(64K) giveout.mp3(64K) giveout.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Apparently they give a lot fewer D-pluses than D-minuses. It's not a grade they like to give out. I'll tell you that right now."
areleaving.wav(140K) areleaving.mp3(140K) areleaving.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Now, some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn't the end. No, way. We're going to show this world a thing or two. We're gonna show... (He passes out and crashes into a table.)"
ididcall.wav(331K) ididcall.mp3(331K) ididcall.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "He said he had a surprise for me."
Richard Hayden (David Spade): "Maybe. I guess you should have called."
Tommy: "I did call earlier when... using the phone."
Richard: "Earlier, when was that?"
Tommy: "Er... later... when... Then I... I left a message."
Richard: "A message. What number did you call?"
Tommy: "2... 4... 9er, 5, 6, 7. 8..."
Richard: "I can't hear you. You're trailing off."
Tommy: "And did I catch a 9er in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?"
Richard: "No, it was cordless."
Tommy: "Um-hmm. You know what? Dont't. Not here. Not now."
adecade.wav(100K) adecade.mp3(100K) adecade.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Did you hear I finally graduated?"
Richard: "Yeah, in just a shade under a decade, too. All right."
Tommy: "You know, a lot of people go to college for seven years."
Richard: "I know. They're called doctors."
candyshell.wav(268K) candyshell.mp3(268K) candyshell.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "Oh, come, Damn it! Oh, that sounds good. Melted chocolate inside the dash. That really ups the resale value."
Tommy: "I think you're going to be okay here. They have a thin candy shell. Hmm, surprised you didn't know that."
Richard: "I think your brain has a thick candy shell."
Tommy: "Your... Your brain has the... shell on it."
Richard: "Are you talking?"
Tommy: "Shut up, Richard."
kidney.wav(64K) kidney.mp3(64K) kidney.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "How are you doing Mr. Reilly?"
Ted Reilly (Zach Grenier): "Oh, real good. Real good. I had a kidney removed last april, but I still have the other one."
sonofa1.wav(32K) sonofa1.mp3(32K) sonofa1.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Oh, son of a!"
catlike.wav(47K) catlike.mp3(47K) catlike.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Look out. I've got cat-like speed and reflexes."
thespecson.wav(80K) thespecson.mp3(80K) thespecson.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "I was checking the, uh, s... specs on the end line for the rotary girder. I'm retarded."
afridge.wav(118K) afridge.mp3(118K) afridge.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Hey, there's even a fridge! This is great! You could put six packs of be... soda in here. Milk, yogurt. You could put candy bars in the freezer."
herbiehancock.wav(96K) herbiehancock.mp3(96K) herbiehancock.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "Mr. Callahan, I need your John Hancock on these reports."
Tommy: "John Hancock. It's Herbie Hancock. Duh!"
newoffice.wav(67K) newoffice.mp3(67K) newoffice.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Richard, check out my new office."
Richard: "You have a window. And why shouldn't you? You've been here 10 minutes."
itscalledreading.wav(102K) itscalledreading.mp3(102K) itscalledreading.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "It's called reading. Top to bottom, left to right. Groop words together as a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches, Midol for any cramps."
Tommy: "Shut up."
openmyeyes.wav(42K) openmyeyes.mp3(42K) openmyeyes.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Can I open my eyes now, Dad?"
Thomas 'Big Tom' Callahan II (Brian Dennehy): "For god's sake son, will you quit covering your damn eyes?"
holyshnikes.wav(28K) holyshnikes.mp3(28K) holyshnikes.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Holy Shnikes!"
thatsforme.wav(90K) thatsforme.mp3(90K) thatsforme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Is that for me?"
Big Tom: "No, son, that's for me."
Tommy: "Oh, man. Dad, she's like a 10."
tobemywife.wav(136K) tobemywife.mp3(136K) tobemywife.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Big Tom: "Tom, I've... I've asked Beverly to be my wife."
Tommy: "Whoa. Man! What'd she say?"
gottahug.wav(118K) gottahug.mp3(118K) gottahug.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Paul Barish (Rob Lowe): "I'm Paul. You must be Tommy."
Tommy: "Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug."
yourmom.wav(77K) yourmom.mp3(77K) yourmom.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "No offence, but if I sent a picture of your mom to some of my buddies at school, she'd definitely be boner-of-the-month."
cowtipping.wav(54K) cowtipping.mp3(54K) cowtipping.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Can't believe you've never been cow-tipping before. Get ready to live."
holyshnikes2.wav(22K) holyshnikes2.mp3(22K) holyshnikes2.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Holy Shnikes!"
theseshoes.wav(34K) theseshoes.mp3(34K) theseshoes.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Paul: "These shoes are Italian. They're worth more than your life."
amaniac.wav(131K) amaniac.mp3(131K) amaniac.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Oh, man, that's cold! I'm a maniac, maniac on the floor. And I'm dancin' like I've never danced before..."
paintchips.wav(45K) paintchips.mp3(45K) paintchips.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Paul: "Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?"
happytime.wav(189K) happytime.mp3(189K) happytime.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "La la la Luke. Luke, I am your father. Lor lai lo lay lo lo la lo."
Richard: "Aw, I've interrupted happy time."
whataloser.wav(86K) whataloser.mp3(86K) whataloser.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michelle Brock (Julie Warner): "Come on in. Oh, and forget about R.T.. He's just pissed off 'cause he recently found out what a loser he is."
Tommy: "What a loser he i..."
idbetternot.wav(137K) idbetternot.mp3(137K) idbetternot.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michelle: "Want one?"
Tommy: "I'd better not. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I'd get them lodged right in this region here."
champagne.wav(96K) champagne.mp3(96K) champagne.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Big Tom: "How do we look?"
Richard: "Chobby. I think that's the champagne talking."
bullsass.wav(161K) bullsass.mp3(161K) bullsass.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Doug: "Sounds good, Tom, but I'd like to look at your opperation before I commit."
Big Tom: "Fair enough, Doug. 'Course, I could get a hell of a good look at a T-Bone steak by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it."
Tommy: "Bull's ass, that's great."
skinnypunks.wav(507K) skinnypunks.mp3(507K) skinnypunks.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Kid at Lake: "Hey, your sail is limp, like your dick!"
Tommy: "Watch your language in front of the lady, punk! Jeez. You were saying..."
Kid at Lake: "Hey Gilligan, did you eat the Skipper?"
Tommy: "You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up. 'Cause I'll come over there and jam an oar up your ass!"
Kids at Lake: "Ooh."
Tommy: "Jeepers creepers. Those guys keep interrupting us. I'm sorry about that. You were saying about the um..."
Kid at Lake: "Hey, lady, look out. There's a fat whale on your boat."
Kid at Lake: "Yeah, Free willy!"
Michelle: "Listen up, you little spazoids! I know where you live' and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you."
thewhores.wav(165K) thewhores.mp3(165K) thewhores.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Boardroom Man (J.R. Zimmerman): "If this factory goes under, the whole town goes under."
Boardroom Woman (Helen Hughes): "And that's when the whores come in."
Paul: "Excuse me? What was that?"
Boardroom Woman: "Man laying their trick money down. $20 to pay the rent? Maybe instead I'll spend it on the whore."
whores.wav(131K) whores.mp3(131K) whores.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Boardroom Woman: "Whores running around doing their little behind shake for the menfolk."
Richard: "I kinda like her idea."
Boardroom Man: "For christ sake, once during the war I visited a prostitute, and my life has been a living hell ever since."
gettingfatter.wav(27K) gettingfatter.mp3(27K) gettingfatter.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "Uh, I can actually hear you getting fatter."
bongresin.wav(228K) bongresin.mp3(228K) bongresin.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "And what is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?"
Tommy: "Oh, man..."
Richard: "One and a ha..."
Tommy: "Half percent. I knew that. Why can't I remember it?"
Richard: "Try an association. Like uh, let's say the average person uses 10% of their brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin."
lookfat.wav(33K) lookfat.mp3(33K) lookfat.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Hey, does this suit make me look fat?"
Richard: "No, no, no. Your face does."
itsaclipon.wav(37K) itsaclipon.mp3(37K) itsaclipon.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "It's a clip on."
Richard: "Are you sure?"
noforananswer.wav(269K) noforananswer.mp3(269K) noforananswer.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "All right, now, it's sale time. Remember, we don't take no..."
Tommy: "No bleep from anyone."
Tommy: "Uh, we don't take no prisoners."
Richard: "We don't take 'no' for an answer."
Tommy: "Oh yeah. We don't take 'no' for an answer. We don't take 'no' for an answer. We don't take 'no' for an answer."
'No' Manager (Robert K. Weiss): "No"
'No' Manager (Reg Dreger): "No"
Tommy: "Gotcha. Thanks."
'No' Manager (Lloyd White): "Umm-umm."
Tommy: "Terrific. Thanks for your time."
maybe.wav(1061K) maybe.mp3(1061K) maybe.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Executive with Toy Cars (Marc Strange): "Let me say... maybe. "
Richard: "Well then, I'd just like to add that the spectrometer readout on the nickel-cadmium alloy mix indicates a good rich strobe and fade decreasing incidence of wear to the pressure plate."
Executive with Toy Cars: "Whoa, little fella. You're not speaking my language."
Tommy: "What my associate is trying to say is that, uh, our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even going to believe it. Like, um, let's say you're driving along the road with your family. And you're driving along la li la. And then, all of the sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. Err! Whoa, that was close. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the 'other guy's' brake pads. You're driving along. You're driving along and all of the sudden the kids are yelling from the backseat, 'I got to go to the bathroom, daddy!', 'Not now, damn it!', truck tire, eeeee, 'I can't stop!'. Help! There's a cliff! Aah! And your family's screaming 'Oh my god, we're burning alive!'' 'No! I can't feel my legs!'. In comes the meat wagon. And the medic gets out and says, 'Oh , my god.'. New guy's in the corner puking his guts out. All because you want to save a couple of extra pennies. TO me it doesn't..."
Executive with Toy Cars: "Get out. Now!"
Richard: "Yes, sir."
Tommy: "Do you validate?"
Executive with Toy Cars: "Now!"
directions.wav(89K) directions.mp3(89K) directions.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "I'm gonna go get directions to our next huge embarassing failure."
Tommy: "You're a"huge embarrassing failure."
ohsonofa.wav(15K) ohsonofa.mp3(15K) ohsonofa.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Oh! Son of a..."
getanewmap.wav(366K) getanewmap.mp3(366K) getanewmap.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "Well, it's got to be on the map, Davenport, I mean, because you say it's 22 miles away, and you're really smart. Yet it's not on the map. Hmm."
Gas Attendant (David Huband): "I'm picking up you're sarcasm."
Richard: "Well, I should hope so. I'm laying it on pretty thick."
Gas Attendant: "That's a map of Illinois, which we're in, on the border of Iowa, which is where Davenport is, 22 miles away. You're in the wrong state. Get yourself a new map."
whatdyoudo.wav(49K) whatdyoudo.mp3(49K) whatdyoudo.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "(Richard trys to open the car door and it falls off.) What'd you do."
tonsoffun.wav(102K) tonsoffun.mp3(102K) tonsoffun.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "I don't see any McKeesport."
Richard: "It's the next town, tons-of-fun. It's got to be there. Okay, where's Moron? Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport..."
tothevet.wav(111K) tothevet.mp3(111K) tothevet.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Where are we gonna take the deer?"
Richard: "I don't know, the vet."
Tommy: "You take dead animals to the vet?"
Richard: "Why not, I'd take you to the vet."
Tommy: "Yeah, I'll take you to the ..."
Richard: "Got that?"
Tommy: "Shut up?"
whatnomeans.wav(215K) whatnomeans.mp3(215K) whatnomeans.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "Of course I understand what 'no' means, but if I took 'no' for an answer, I'd probably wind up on a street corner selling spicy hot dogs and wearing a funny hat. All right? It makes sense, doesn't it?"
Mr. Brady (Addison Bell): "Look, I've been doing business with Callahan since I hung out my shingle, but I don't like you. Probably never will. You're a smug, unhappy little man, and you treat people like they're idiots."
butchersass.wav(767K) butchersass.mp3(767K) butchersass.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Um, Mr. Brady, you and my dad go way back."
Mr. Brady: "Son, I was sorry to hear about your dad, I was, but before I decide to keep my business with your place, I'd have to come by and have a look at your new operation."
Tommy: "Hey, I tell you what. You can take a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there, but wouldn't you rather take his word for it?"
Mr. Brady: "What? I'm failing to make the connection here, son."
Tommy: "No, I mean, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass, but then... No, it's got to be your bull."
Tommy: "Here's the deal. If I want you..."
Richard: "You have derailed."
Tommy: "Shut up, Richard."
Mr. Brady: "Boy, I'm really at a loss for words here."
Tommy: "Forget it. I quit. I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi. I'm out here getting my ass kicked. And everytime I drive down the read, I to jerk the wheel into a bleepdamn bridge abutment. I ca..."
Richard: "We'll be in touch."
itsalive.wav(19K) itsalive.mp3(19K) itsalive.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "It's alive!"
triedtobiteme.wav(24K) triedtobiteme.mp3(24K) triedtobiteme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "I think it tried to bite me!"
awesome.wav(218K) awesome.mp3(218K) awesome.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "No way that just happened. My car is completely destroyed."
Tommy: "I swear I've seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that was... awesome. But sorry about your car, man. That... That sucks."
littlecoat.wav(284K) littlecoat.mp3(284K) littlecoat.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Richard, is this your coat?"
Richard: "Don't do it."
Tommy: "Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat."
Tommy: "Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat."
Richard: "Take it off, dick-head. I'm serious"
Tommy: "Richard what's happening...? (Coat rips)"
changeit.wav(625K) changeit.mp3(625K) changeit.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "(Rock music plays) Hey, good tune, man."
Richard: "I don't think so. (Changes station and softer rock plays) Yeah, here we go. Yeah."
Tommy: "This song sucks (Changes station an the Carpenters are playing)"
Richard: "Talk about lame."
Tommy: "Totally. You can change it if you want."
Richard: "I don't care. It's up to you."
Tommy: "I can live with it if you can."
Richard: "Suit yourself."
Both: "(Singing along) Don't you remember you told me you loved me, baby? You said you'd be coming back this way again, baby. Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby. I love you..."
iused10w30.wav(211K) iused10w30.mp3(211K) iused10w30.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning, I think it was you who put the oil in."
Tommy: "Hey, if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident."
Richard: "True, but you can't latch the hood too well if you don't take the can out, you no selling waste of space.!"
agoodone.wav(464K) agoodone.mp3(464K) agoodone.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Get out. Get out of the car! It's go time! You and me."
Richard: "Look, Mommy, the rhino's getting too close to the car."
Tommy: "Him too 'fwaid to get out. He just a little guy."
Richard: "That's it, big boy, I'm going to wail on you. You're going to regret volunteering for this job, porky."
Tommy: "Hey, boys and girls, it's Papa Smurf!"
Richard: "You don't want none of me. Think it through."
Tommy: "Come on, give me your best shot. I'll give you a free one. Let me have it."
Richard: "(punches him)"
Tommy: "That was it? Come on, you can do better than that, can't you, Captain Limpwrist. Try again."
Richard: "(backhands him)"
Tommy: "Hey, everybody, is there a window open? I feel a draft."
Richard: "(punches him in the nads and then across the face.)"
Tommy: "If I wanted a kiss, I would've called your mother."
Richard: "(Coldcocks him with a two-by-four)"
Tommy: "That was a good one."
prehistoric.wav(19K) prehistoric.mp3(19K) prehistoric.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "Hey, prehistoric forest."
markonmyface.wav(229K) markonmyface.mp3(229K) markonmyface.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Richard, do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts."
Richard: "Nope, nothing. I thought I hit you on the shoulder."
Tommy: "My shoulder doesn't hurt very much, but my face does. (pointing to the big bruise) Right here. Not here or here so much, but right here."
Richard: "Nope, shipshape."
mylittlepet.wav(468K) mylittlepet.mp3(468K) mylittlepet.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Let's say I go into some guy's office. Let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well, then I get all excited like Jojo, the idiot circus boy, with a pretty new pet. The pet is my possible sale. Oh, my pretty little pet, I love you. So, I stroke it and I pet it and I massage it. Hee hee, I love it. I love my little naughty pet. You're naughty! Then I take my naughty pet and go squish! Aah! I killed it. I killed my sale. That's when I blow it."
tommylikey.wav(37K) tommylikey.mp3(37K) tommylikey.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Tommy likey. Tommy want wingies."
deturd.wav(28K) deturd.mp3(28K) deturd.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "Ug, why do you always have to deturd these things?"
tonyrobbins.wav(71K) tonyrobbins.mp3(71K) tonyrobbins.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "In a way, these people are buying you, not just brake pads."
Tommy: "Hey, everybody, it's Tony Robbins"
yourright.wav(26K) yourright.mp3(26K) yourright.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Maybe you're right, Richard."
Richard: "I think I am."
pooperscooper.wav(80K) pooperscooper.mp3(80K) pooperscooper.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "Holy lord, look at this guy. Caught him right after Thanksgiving feast."
Tommy: "Nice, Richard."
Richard: "I need a pooper scooper."
guarantee.wav(710K) guarantee.mp3(710K) guarantee.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Let's think about this for a sec, Ted. Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmm. Very interesting."
Ted Nelson (Colin Fox): "Go on, I'm listening."
Tommy: "Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside."
Ted: "Yeah, it makes a man feel good."
Tommy: "Of course it does. Why shouldn't it? You figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the guarantee fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?"
Ted: "What's your point?"
Tommy: "The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? 'Building model airplanes', say's the little fairy. Well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. Next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up. I've seen it a hundred times."
Ted: "But why do they put a guarantee on the box, then?"
Tommy: "'Cause they know all the sold you was a guaranteed piece of bleep. That's all it is isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, you might want to think about buying a quality product from me."
Ted: "Oxay, I'll buy from you."
Tommy: "Well that's..."
Tommy and Richard: "What?"
weightroom.wav(36K) weightroom.mp3(36K) weightroom.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Do you know where the weight rom is? I'll check it out..."
youdoing.wav(442K) youdoing.mp3(442K) youdoing.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Richard, what were you doing?"
Richard: "Uh, going over some documents."
Tommy: "Where are they? JVeez, I don't see them."
Richard: "They're in my briefcase. I thought you were getting pizza."
Tommy: "They were closed. How could you be reading documents when they're in your briefcase? Hmm, that's a mystery. Richard, were you watching spanktrovision?"
Richard: "Okay, then, let's hit it."
Tommy: "Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian... oh what's his name...? Buddy Whack-it?"
Richard: "All right, then, let's get some shuteye."
Tommy: "Hey, that's a pretty girl down there."
Richard: "Good for her."
Tommy: "Jeez, I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees."
Richard: "Couldn't tell you."
spanky.wav(127K) spanky.mp3(127K) spanky.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Richard, who's your favorite Little Rascal, Alfalfa, or is it Spanky? Sinner."
paintchips2.wav(20K) paintchips2.mp3(20K) paintchips2.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
'Yes' Executive (Errol Sitahal): "Did you ever eat paint chips as a kid?"
sonofa2.wav(38K) sonofa2.mp3(38K) sonofa2.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Oh! Son of a...!"
Tommy: "I'm okay."
tinklesobad.wav(34K) tinklesobad.mp3(34K) tinklesobad.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Lord, I never had to tinkle so bad in all my life."
stopthecar.wav(134K) stopthecar.mp3(134K) stopthecar.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "What the? Richard, you're a riot! Stop the car! Son of a! What the hell's gotten into you? My thing got stuck in my zipper. I got piss all over my pants!"
housekeeping.wav(388K) housekeeping.mp3(388K) housekeeping.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "(In a high pitched voice) Housekeeping."
Tommy: "No, thank you. Sleeping"
Tommy: "Come back in an hour."
Richard: "Housekeeping! You want towel?"
Tommy: "No towels! Need sleepy."
Richard: "Housekeeping! You want me for pillow?"
Tommy: "Please, go away! Let me sleep, for the love of god!"
Richard: "Housekeeping! You want me jerk you off?"
Tommy: "What kind of hotel is this? Who the hell are...? Oh, it's you."
Richard: "Good morning, sunshine."
yourfeelings.wav(88K) yourfeelings.mp3(88K) yourfeelings.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Yes! Oh, Richard, I'm so happy. Hold me."
Tommy: "Don't run away from your feelings."
comeoneileen.wav(205K) comeoneileen.mp3(205K) comeoneileen.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy and Richard: "(they sing along to "Come On Eileen" by Save Ferris)"
endoftheworld.wav(259K) endoftheworld.mp3(259K) endoftheworld.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy and Richard: "(they sing along to "It's the end of the world as we know it." by REM)"
erestu.wav(417K) erestu.mp3(417K) erestu.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy and Richard: "(they sing along to "Eres Tu" Written by Juan Carlos Calderon Performed by Mocedades)"
twilight.wav(40K) twilight.mp3(40K) twilight.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "This is like a bad Twilight Zone. I think I'm growing a tumor."
seescanners.wav(17K) seescanners.mp3(17K) seescanners.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "Did anyone see scanners?"
youhateme.wav(94K) youhateme.mp3(94K) youhateme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Michelle: "Don't say anything, okay. I know I've ruined your entire life and you hate me. So, let me just pack my things and I'll go crawl into a dark hole for a few years."
fishinabarrel.wav(84K) fishinabarrel.mp3(84K) fishinabarrel.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "This town doesn't even know what's about to hit it."
Richard: "Fish in a barrel, my friend. Town's the fish, people are the barrel. Fish in a barrel."
beesinthecar.wav(350K) beesinthecar.mp3(350K) beesinthecar.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Bees! Bees! Bees in the car! Bees Everywhere! God, they're huge! They're ripping my flesh off!"
Cop afraid of Bees (Christopher John): "Son, uh, roll around. You hear me? Roll around on the ground!"
Tommy: "Forget that! I'm starting to swell up!"
Richard: "Save yourself. Don't be the hero!"
Cop afraid of Bees: "Frank, I'm alergic to bees."
Cop afraid of Bees Frank (Adrian Truss): "Me, too."
Tommy: "They're huge, and they're sting crazy!"
Cop afraid of Bees Frank: "We'll come back later and check on you!"
Cop afraid of Bees: "Yeah, in a while."
Richard: "Save yourself!"
Tommy: "Your firearms are useless against them!"
itworked.wav(20K) itworked.mp3(20K) itworked.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Holy shnkies, it worked."
justbarfed.wav(71K) justbarfed.mp3(71K) justbarfed.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "I just barfed on an ant hill. Cool. Whoa, I think they're pissed."
cantpark.wav(35K) cantpark.mp3(35K) cantpark.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Airport Cop (Henrey Gomez): "Hey, you can't park here!"
Richard: "Uh, keep it."
soldout.wav(357K) soldout.mp3(357K) soldout.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Reservationist (Lindsay Leese): "The next flight to Chicago boards in five minutes, but I'm sorry, it's completely sold out. I can put you on another one at 3 o'clock this afternoon."
Richard: "Lady, we really need to get to Chicago. It's an emergency. Is there anything you can do?"
Reservationist: "Hmm, I can put you in Salt Lake City by 4:00 and there's another flight leaving..."
Richard: "I don't have time to go through another city. I need a direct flight to Chicago."
Reservationist: "Oh, I can reserve you a flight coming back from Chicogo at 5:55. Does that help?"
Richard: "Hi, I'm Earth. Have we met?"
Reservationist: "I don't think so."
seatbelts.wav(347K) seatbelts.mp3(347K) seatbelts.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "Okay, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy. He'll be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a scorpio, he likes biking, ande he's never been laid. Exits, okay, there's one back here, and there's uh, probably one over by the wing somewhere, usually. And what about seatbelts? TO fasten, take the little end stick it in the big end and... Hey, know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seat belt, just ring your call bell, and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard."
lifepreservers.wav(322K) lifepreservers.mp3(322K) lifepreservers.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "Okay, and life preservers... These we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says, if anything, it's gonna be a mountain. TO inflate, put it around your neck and yank down on the tabs."
Tommy: "Aah! Get it off! Son of a... Can't breathe! I can't breathe! Choking!"
Richard: "He's a big dumb animal, isn't he, folks?"
leaveamark.wav(24K) leaveamark.mp3(24K) leaveamark.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Son of a...! That's gonna leave a mark."
tinyhead.wav(118K) tinyhead.mp3(118K) tinyhead.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Kid in Bank (Gil Filar): "Hey, Mom! It's the guy who robbed the bank!"
TOmmy: "I didn't rob any bank."
Kid in Bank: "Oh, yeah right. It was some other real fat guy with a tiny head."
TOmmy: "I got a tiny head?"
pinetree.wav(86K) pinetree.mp3(86K) pinetree.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Ray Zalinsky (Dan Aykroyd): "Went a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there, kid."
TOmmy: "Sir, it's a taxicab air freshener."
Zalinsky: "Great. You've pinpointed it. Step two is washing it off."
withahammer.wav(100K) withahammer.mp3(100K) withahammer.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Nicole Taylor, Action 8 News (Sandi Stahlbrand): "Sir, what exactly happened here?"
Bank Guard (Ron James): "He came out of the shadows behind me. And after he hit me many many times in the head, with a hammer, I had to give him my gun. You know, I've got kids."
screwup.wav(139K) screwup.mp3(139K) screwup.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Boy, did I screw up. My so-called family deserted me, Michelle's mad at me, I lost the factory, the town's going under, and I'm out of a job. (The benche they wer sitting collapses on his side) Could have done without that."
imanidiot.wav(16K) imanidiot.mp3(16K) imanidiot.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Jeez, I'm an idiot!"
ivegotaplan.wav(62K) ivegotaplan.mp3(62K) ivegotaplan.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Richard, I'm gonna need your watch. I've got a plan."
brakepads.wav(78K) brakepads.mp3(78K) brakepads.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Mrs. Nelson (Pat Moffatt): "Honey, look at thin Human bomb on the news."
Ted Nelson: "Huh? Oh, yeah, I buy brake pads off him. I thought we were watching cartoons."
powerlines.wav(43K) powerlines.mp3(43K) powerlines.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Zalinsky: "Did you live under power lines as a kid, or something?"
gladiators.wav(49K) gladiators.mp3(49K) gladiators.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Helen the Waitress (Maria Vacratsis): "You guys want this or American Gladiators?"
Restaurant Regulars (Raymond Hunt, Robbie Rox, Jerry Schaefer): "Gladiators"
bloated.wav(83K) bloated.mp3(83K) bloated.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Frat Boy: "Am I just severely wasted, or does Tommy look bloated?"
Frat Boy: "No, it's TV, man. Camera adds a couple hundred pounds."
Frat Boys: "Oh."
screwyou.wav(25K) screwyou.mp3(25K) screwyou.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Paul: "Screw you! Screw all of ya!"
crashtest.wav(28K) crashtest.mp3(28K) crashtest.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Computer: "Crash test in progress."
ruinhis.wav(62K) ruinhis.mp3(62K) ruinhis.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "(paul catches a couple sand bags in his crotch.) Oof, that will ruin his weekend."
pathetic.wav(48K) pathetic.mp3(48K) pathetic.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Richard: "Ugh, the was pathetic."
Tommy: "Shut up, Richard."
yourdaughter.wav(240K) yourdaughter.mp3(240K) yourdaughter.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "Ever since I was a little kid, you people have been like a family to me. Louis, we kuilt our first fort together. And Danny, remember when we used to burn ants with a magnifying glass? R.T., I lost my virginity to your daughter, for crying out loud. Rob, you were there."
leaveamark2.wav(40K) leaveamark2.mp3(40K) leaveamark2.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Tommy: "(Sail hits him in the head) Oh, son of a...! That's gonna leave a mark."