All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 22Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).

guesshowfast.wav(172K) guesshowfast.mp3(79K)

Reese Bobby (Gary Cole): "Guess how fast we're going now."
Lucy Bobby (Jane Lynch): "I don' care, I'm having a baby!"
Reese Bobby: "A hundred and five miles an hour, you believe that?"

wafflehouse.wav(399K) wafflehouse.mp3(182K)

Waffle House Manager (Jason Davis): "I'm happy that Waffle House was okay with me coming here to talk to y'all about my day about my day-to-day. And y'all, that's pretty much in a shell what it's like to manage a Waffle House. Ma'am, I don't know what else you want me to say to them. And I'm also gonna need to know where your commode's at."
Schoolteacher (Lorrie Bess Crumley): "Okay, let's give a round of applause. Thank you."

tenyears.wav(193K) tenyears.mp3(88K)

Reese Bobby: "Hey, there, boy! Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months?"
10-Year-Old Ricky (Luke Bigham): "Ten years."
Reese Bobby: "Ten years? Man, I gotta lay of the peyote."

thepeyote.wav(46K) thepeyote.mp3(21K)

Reese Bobby: "Man, I gotta lay of the peyote."

nosmoking.wav(86K) nosmoking.mp3(40K)

Schoolteacher: "Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here."
Reese Bobby: "Oh, it's alright, Darling, I'm a volunteer fireman."

racecardriver.wav(941K) racecardriver.mp3(428K)

Reese Bobby: "Okay, I am a semi-professional racecar driver and an amateur tattoo artist."
Kids: "ooh."
Reese Bobby: "And the first thing you gotta leard if you're gonna be a racecar driver is you don't listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher over here."
Schoolteacher: "Okay, I think that's enough."
Reese Bobby: "Your teacher wants you no go slow, and she's wrong, 'cause it's the fastest who gets paid and it's the fastest who gets laid."
Kids: "(cheer)"
Reese Bobby: "Oh, yeah. You know what I'm talking about. (He gets thrown out of the school) You people are in the wrong on this one! So in the wrong! This in egregious, do you hear me? Egregious! We were cellmates together, Andy. You got payback coming!"

tattooartist.wav(161K) tattooartist.mp3(74K)

Reese Bobby: "I am a semi-professional racecar driver and an amateur tattoo artist."
Kids: "ooh."

egredious.wav(159K) egredious.mp3(73K)

Reese Bobby: "You people are in the wrong on this one! So in the wrong! This in egregious, do you hear me? Egregious!"

cellmates.wav(67K) cellmates.mp3(31K)

Reese Bobby: "We were cellmates together, Andy. You got payback coming!"

shakeandbake.wav(76K) shakeandbake.mp3(35K)

Ricky Bobby (Will Ferrell): "Hey, Shake and Bake, Cal."
Cal Naughton, Jr. (John C. Reilly): "Shake and Bake!"

iwannagofast.wav(178K) iwannagofast.mp3(81K)

Lucius Washington (Michael Clarke Duncan): "Now, is there anyone out there who wants to go fast? Anybody?"
Ricky: "I wanna go fast."

matchboxcars.wav(139K) matchboxcars.mp3(64K)

Cal: "Remember that time we got kicked out of biology class for playing with matchbox cars?"
Ricky: "Yeah."
Cal: "Who's retarded now?"

wastingtime.wav(584K) wastingtime.mp3(266K)

Cal: "Hey, what are you doing after this?"
Ricky: "After the race?"
Cal: "Yeah."
Ricky: "I don't know, but it feels like we're wasting a lot of time."
Cal: "No, I know, I know. I'm just excited, man!"
Ricky: "Yeah, I know. Yeah."
Cal: "Hey, I love you!"
Ricky: "What?"
Cal: "Nothing. Shake and Bake! Get some! You're my best friend! You're my best friend!"
Ricky: "Okay, then!"
Cal: "I'm in there with you!"
Ricky: "I gotta get going!"
Cal: "Go, go!"

dosomedriving.wav(283K) dosomedriving.mp3(129K)

Lucius: "Hey, Ricky, just remember one thing: if you wreck that car, that's 200 grand out of your pocket, so let's take it nice and slow, okay?"
Ricky: "With all due respect, Lucius, I'm gonna do some driving."

personalinformation.wav(274K) personalinformation.mp3(125K)

Ricky: "Hey, Lucius, just wanted to share a little piece of personal information with you. I got a chubby right now because this is one of the most awesome experiences of my life because I'm getting to drive a racecar! I can't believe it! Oh my god! Oh my god!"

wowthatwascool.wav(100K) wowthatwascool.mp3(46K)

Ricky: "(Cars crashing all around him) Wow, that was cool!"

withmyhands.wav(388K) withmyhands.mp3(177K)

Ricky: "I felt like I was on a spaceship and, uh-- I'm not sure what to do with my hands."
ESPN Reporter (John D. King): "Uh, be good just to hold them down by your side. Yeah, right."
Ricky: "Okay. We we're real happy with, um, with what was going on. And, uh, at the end of the day, you know, you gotta be happy."

thiswinningthing.wav(58K) thiswinningthing.mp3(27K)

Ricky: "I could get used to this winning thing!"

crispysmell.wav(418K) crispysmell.mp3(191K)

Cal: "Hey, we just want to say to all you other drivers out there if you smell a delicious crispy smell after the race it's not your tailpipe, it's a little bit of... shake..."
Ricky: "and then... bake."
Cal and Ricky: "Shake and Bake!"
Cal: "That's our nickname."
Ricky: "Get used to hearing it."

pleasebeeighteen.wav(183K) pleasebeeighteen.mp3(84K)

Carley Bobby (Leslie Bibb): "Hey, dirver! Drive these! (She flashes him) Whooo!"
Ricky: "Please be eighteen."

thinkyoureawesome.wav(241K) thinkyoureawesome.mp3(110K)

Dale Earnheardt Jr. (Himself): "Hey, excuse me, Ricky."
Ricky: "Hey, Dale."
Dale: "Hey, can I get your autograph?"
Ricky: "Yeah, sure. Who do I make this out to?"
Dale: "Uh, it's for me. I think you're awesome, man. Just don't tell any of the other drivers."
Ricky: "Yeah, no, I'm not gonna tell anyone."
Dale: "Thanks, man."
Ricky: "Alright, I'll see you out there."

signyourbaby.wav(101K) signyourbaby.mp3(47K)

Ricky: "Absolutely, ma'am, I'd love to sign your baby. You're not gonna wanna wash that forehead. You hear me?"

autographmode.wav(182K) autographmode.mp3(83K)

Susan (Amy Adams): "Ahh! No, it's me, it's me, Susan, your assistant."
Ricky: "Susan, you gotta watch it when I get into autograph mode."
Susan: "I know, I'm sorry. It's my fault, I shouldn't have been standing."

jackhawk9000.wav(157K) jackhawk9000.mp3(72K)

Ricky: "Hey, I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is right around the corner and what better gift to give a loved one than the Jackhawk 9000?"

ladypartstuff.wav(215K) ladypartstuff.mp3(98K)

Ricky: "When you work on your mysterious lady-part stuff, you should have the right tools too. So that's why you should use... Maypax, the official tampon of NASCAR."

bigred.wav(82K) bigred.mp3(38K)

Ricky: "I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then (beep) you."

prunecandy.wav(116K) prunecandy.mp3(53K)

Ricky: "(Imitating Asian language) ...prune candy."

tiujuana.wav(107K) tiujuana.mp3(49K)

Ricky: "Hey, I'm Ricky Bobby."
Cal: "And I'm Cal Naughton Jr."
Ricky: "Urging you never to travel to Tijuana."

pissexcellence.wav(465K) pissexcellence.mp3(211K)

Dick Berggren (Himself): "It seems if you either win or crash trying to win."
Ricky: "Well, Dick, here's the deal. I'm the best there is, plain and simple. I mean, I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence. And nobody can hand with my stuff. Uh, you know, I'm just a big, hairy, American winning machine. If you ain't first, you're last. You know what I'm talking about? That phrase is trademarked not to be used without permission of Ricky Bobby Inc."

babyjesus.wav(3846K) babyjesus.mp3(1745K)

Ricky: "Dear lord baby Jesus or as our brothers to the south call you, Jesus, we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino's, KFC and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family: my two beautiful, beautiful handsome, striking sons Walker and Texas Ranger or T.R. as we call him and of course my red-hot smoking wife, Carley who is a stone-cold fox. Who if you were to rate her ass on 100, it would easilly be a 94. Also wanna thank you for my best friend and teammate, Cal Naughton Jr who's got my back no batter what."
Cal: "Shake and Bake."
Ricky: "Dear Lord baby Jesus, we also thank you for my wife's father, Chip. We hope that you can use your baby Jesus powers to heal him and his horrible leg. And it smells terrible and the dogs are always bothering with it. Dear, tiny infant Jesus, we--"
Carley: "Hey, um, you know, sweetie, Jesus did grow up. You don't always have to call him, 'baby.' It's a bit odd and off-putting to pray to a baby."
Ricky: "Well, I like the Christmas Jesus best and I'm saying grace. When you say grace, you can say it to grownup Jesus or teenage Jesus or bearded Jesus, or whoever you want."
Carley: "You know what I want? I want you to do this grace good, so that God will let us win tomorrow."
Ricky: "Dear tiny Jesus in your golden-fleece diapers, with your tiny, little, fat, balled-up fists pawing at the air..."
Chip (Ted Manson): "He was a man. He had a beard."
Ricky: "Look, I like the baby version the best, do you hear me? I win the races and I get the money."
Carley: "Ricky, finish the damn grace."
Cal: "I like to picture Jesus in a Tuxedo T-shirt because it says, like, 'I wanna be formal...'"
Ricky: "Right."
Cal: "'...but I'm here to party too.' 'Cause I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party."
Walker (Houston Tumlin): "I like to picture Jesus as a ninja fighting off evil samurai."
Cal: "I like to think of Jesus, like, with giant eagle's wings."
Ricky: "Yeah."
Cal: "And singing lead vocal for Lynyrd Skynyrd with, like, a angel band. And I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk."
Carley: "Hey, Cal? Why don't you just shut up?"
Cal: "Yes, ma'am."
Ricky: "Okay. Dear, 8-pound, 6-ounce, newborn infant Jesus, don't even know a word yet, just a little infant and so cuddly, but still omnipotent, we just thank you for all the races I've won and the 21.2 millios dollars-- Whoo!"
Cal: "Whoo!"
Carley: "Whoo!"
The Kids: "Ow!"
Ricky: "Love that money! --that I have accrued over this past season. Also due to a binding endorsement contract that stipulates I mention Powerade at each grace I just wanna say that Powerade is delicious and it cools you off os a hot summer day. And we look forward to Powerade's release of Mystic Mountain Blueberry. Thank you for all your power and your grace, dear baby God. Amen."
Carley: "Amen."
Cal: "Amen!"
Ricky: "Let's dig in!"
Cal: "That was a hell of a grace, man. You nailed that like a split hog!"
Ricky: "I appreciate that. I'm not gonna lie to you, it felt good."

bountifulharvest.wav(306K) bountifulharvest.mp3(140K)

Ricky: "Dear lord baby Jesus or as our brothers to the south call you, Jesus, we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino's, KFC and the always delicious Taco Bell."

myfamily.wav(443K) myfamily.mp3(202K)

Ricky: "I just want to take time to say thank you for my family: my two beautiful, beautiful handsome, striking sons Walker and Texas Ranger or T.R. as we call him and of course my red-hot smoking wife, Carley who is a stone-cold fox. Who if you were to rate her ass on 100, it would easilly be a 94."

praytoababy.wav(388K) praytoababy.mp3(177K)

Ricky: "Dear, tiny infant Jesus, we--"
Carley: "Hey, um, you know, sweetie, Jesus did grow up. You don't always have to call him, 'baby.' It's a bit odd and off-putting to pray to a baby."
Ricky: "Well, I like the Christmas Jesus best and I'm saying grace. When you say grace, you can say it to grownup Jesus or teenage Jesus or bearded Jesus, or whoever you want."

hehadabeard.wav(365K) hehadabeard.mp3(166K)

Ricky: "Dear tiny Jesus in your golden-fleece diapers, with your tiny, little, fat, balled-up fists pawing at the air..."
Chip: "He was a man. He had a beard."
Ricky: "Look, I like the baby version the best, do you hear me? I win the races and I get the money."
Carley: "Ricky, finish the damn grace."

picturejesus.wav(627K) picturejesus.mp3(285K)

Cal: "I like to picture Jesus in a Tuxedo T-shirt because it says, like, 'I wanna be formal...'"
Ricky: "Right."
Cal: "'...but I'm here to party too.' 'Cause I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party."
Walker: "I like to picture Jesus as a ninja fighting off evil samurai."
Cal: "I like to think of Jesus, like, with giant eagle's wings."
Ricky: "Yeah."
Cal: "And singing lead vocal for Lynyrd Skynyrd with, like, a angel band. And I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk."
Carley: "Hey, Cal? Why don't you just shut up?"
Cal: "Yes, ma'am."

lovethatmoney.wav(430K) lovethatmoney.mp3(196K)

Ricky: "Dear, 8-pound, 6-ounce, newborn infant Jesus, don't even know a word yet, just a little infant and so cuddly, but still omnipotent, we just thank you for all the races I've won and the 21.2 millios dollars-- Whoo!"
Cal: "Whoo!"
Carley: "Whoo!"
The Kids: "Ow!"
Ricky: "Love that money!"

itfeltgood.wav(37K) itfeltgood.mp3(17K)

Ricky: "I'm not gonna lie to you, it felt good."

madethatgrace.wav(44K) madethatgrace.mp3(21K)

Walker: "Dad, you made that grace your bitch."

dirtypeepants.wav(498K) dirtypeepants.mp3(227K)

Texas Ranger (Grayson Russell): "Well, the teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina."
Ricky: "Mm-hmm?"
Texas Ranger: "I said, 'Washington, D.C.'"
Cal: "Bingo."
Ricky: "Nice."
Texas Ranger: "She said, 'No, you're wrong.' I said, 'You got a lumpy butt.' She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants. And I never did change my pee pants all day. I'm still sitting in my dirty pee pants."
Cal: "I wet my bed until I was 19. There's no shame in that."

carleystatas.wav(396K) carleystatas.mp3(181K)

Cal: "I tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed. These two are two in a million."
Ricky: "I am."
Cal: "Just like Carley's tatas. You won't find another rack like that, I guarantee you."
Carley: "Thank you, Cal."
Walker: "That's real sweet of you, Cal."
Ricky: "Cal, that's a real nice sentiment. That's one of the nicest things you've ever said."
Cal: "Well, I mean it."
Carley: "Stop, you're gonna make me cry."

terribleboys.wav(1186K) terribleboys.mp3(539K)

Chip: "A can't hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren, and you are raising them wrong. They are terrible boys."
Walker: "Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!"
Texas Ranger: "I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head."
Cal: "Yeah!"
Ricky: "Yeah. Turn up the heat!"
Cal: "Go on and get some, boys."
Ricky: "Come on."
Walker: "I'm 10 years old but I'll beat your ass."
Texas Ranger: "Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey."
Cal: "Like a spider monkey! Go on."
Ricky: "Chip, you brought this on, man."
Walker: "The greatest generation, my ass. Tom Brokaw is a punk."
Chip: "What is wrong with you?"
Texas Ranger: "Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew."
Ricky: "Whoo-hoo, I love that."
Cal: "You gonna let your sons talk to their grandfather like that? I'm their elder."
Ricky: "I sure as hell am, Chip. I love the way they're talking to you. 'Cause they're winners. Winners get to do what they want. Hell, you're just a bag of bones. Only thing you ever done with your life is make a hot daughter. That's it. That's it! That is it!"
Carley: "We wanted us some wussies, we would've named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman, okay?"

scissorkick.wav(65K) scissorkick.mp3(30K)

Texas Ranger: "I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head."

turnuptheheat.wav(84K) turnuptheheat.mp3(39K)

Cal: "Yeah!"
Ricky: "Yeah. Turn up the heat!"
Cal: "Go on and get some, boys."
Ricky: "Come on."

10yearsold.wav(52K) 10yearsold.mp3(24K)

Walker: "I'm 10 years old but I'll beat your ass."

spidermonkey.wav(101K) spidermonkey.mp3(47K)

Texas Ranger: "Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey."
Cal: "Like a spider monkey! Go on."

jackedup.wav(47K) jackedup.mp3(22K)

Texas Ranger: "I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew."

hotdaughter.wav(145K) hotdaughter.mp3(67K)

Ricky: "Hell, you're just a bag of bones. Only thing you ever done with your life is make a hot daughter. That's it. That's it! That is it!"

drquinn.wav(91K) drquinn.mp3(42K)

Carley: "We wanted us some wussies, we would've named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman, okay?"

worktoohard.wav(38K) worktoohard.mp3(18K)

Ricky: "I work too hard for your bull, chip."

beermoney.wav(361K) beermoney.mp3(165K)

Texas Ticket Seller 1 (Danny Vinson): "That's the saddest thing I ever seen in my life, y'all" That boy leaves two tickets for his daddy at every race and he never shows up.
Texas Ticket Seller 2 (Sylvia G. Lyerly): "That's a shame."
Texas Ticket Seller 1: "The human heart is such a mystery. Let's sell these bitches, huh?"
Texas Ticket Seller 2: "Hell, yeah."
Texas Ticket Seller 1: "Beer money, huh?"

itsonsale.wav(168K) itsonsale.mp3(77K)

Ricky: "Hey, Jamie, losing's never fun, but here's something to pick your spirits up. (He flips him the bird) It's real nice. I got it at Target. It's on sale."

dumbestthankyou.wav(219K) dumbestthankyou.mp3(100K)

Ricky: "We did it!"
Lucius: "I don't wanna be raining on your parade, but I gotta tell you, that was some of the dumbest driving I have ever seen in my life."
Ricky: "Thank you."

liveforever.wav(585K) liveforever.mp3(266K)

Lucius: "You're not gonna live forever."
Ricky: "I'm not stupid, Lucius. No one lives forever. No one. But with advances in modern science and my high level of income, I mean, it's not crazy to think I can't live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper they put a pig heart in some guy from Russian. You know-- I mean, do you know what that means?"
Lucius: "No, I don't know what that means. I guess, longer life."
Ricky: "Well, no, he didn't live."
Lucius: "He didn't live?"
Ricky: "No. It' just exciting that we're trying thing like that."
Lucius: "Yeah."

ballsremoved.wav(277K) ballsremoved.mp3(126K)

Larry Dennit, Jr. (Greg Germann): "Early word out of NASCAR is your little obscene gesture's gonna cost you 100 points. Do you know how much that costs us in sponsorship dollars?"
Ricky: "Well, with all due respect, Mr. Dennit, I had no idea you'd gotten experimental surgery to have your balls removed."

allduerespect.wav(225K) allduerespect.mp3(103K)

Larry Dennit, Jr: "What did you-- What did you say? What was that?"
Ricky: "Well, what? I said 'With all due respect.'"
Larry Dennit, Jr: "That doesn't mean you get to say whatever you want to say to me."
Ricky: "I sure as heck does."
Larry Dennit, Jr: "No, no, it doesn't mean that."
Ricky: "It's in the Geneva Convention. Look it up."

gotogether.wav(402K) gotogether.mp3(183K)

Cal: "We go together like Chines food and chocolate pudding. Let's face it."
Ricky: "Yeah, but, Cal, those are two things that don't really go together, though."
Cal: "Oh, we go together like cocaine and Waffles."
Ricky: "No, like, for instance, if you-- if I say peanut butter and..."
Cal: "...ladies."
Herschell (David Koechner): "Yup."
Cal: "Right?"
Ricky: "No, jelly."
Cal: "Am I right?"
Herschell: "Jelly? I was gonna say..."
Cal: "You like to put Jelly on a lady?"

getheracoffin.wav(172K) getheracoffin.mp3(79K)

Glenn (Jack McBrayer): "So, I was talking to Nana on Saturday, and her birthday's coming up but I don't know what to get her. She's gonna be 88."
Kyle (Ian Roberts): "Get her a coffin."

buryitdeepdown.wav(710K) buryitdeepdown.mp3(323K)

Cal: "You know, I was thinking, though, one time, uh, it would be really awesome if, like, you could slingshot me in for a win."
Ricky: "Yeah, but-- Okay, but, if you won, how, how am I gonna win?"
Cal: "Yeah."
Ricky: "Think about it."
Cal: "No, I was thinking about..."
Ricky: "I mean, it's not like you're finishing 18th."
Cal: "Nothing wrong with silver."
Ricky: "Nothing wrong with silver at all."
Cal: "I'm just kidding you, man. I don't wanna win. I'll just bury it down inside."
Ricky: "Bury it deep down in there, and never bring it up again."
Cal: "It's painful, and I love you!"

gigolo.wav(591K) gigolo.mp3(269K)

Kyle: "Get her a gigolo."
Glenn: "What?"
Kyle: "A guy to have sex with her."
Glenn: "No, she's gonna be 88 and..."
Kyle: "You don't stop liking sex when you're old."
Glenn: "Well, I was thinking more along the line of, um-- Like, she likes afghans and quilts and kind of stuffs."
Kyle: "She's probably got like a million of those in her closet. How many dudes does she have coming over to have sex with her?"
Glenn: "None."
Kyle: "Exactly. Be thoughtful, Glenn."

somethingdying.wav(335K) somethingdying.mp3(153K)

Cal: "(Jazz music playing on the jukebox) What is that?"
Kyle: "Someone made a tape of something dying or something."
Ricky: "Hey, turn that crap off. What's going on?"
Herschell: "I want that music out of my head!"
Ricky: "Hey, turn that off! Turn that off right now! (someone pulls the plug)"

awordyousaid.wav(285K) awordyousaid.mp3(130K)

Jean Girard: "I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur Bobby."
Ricky: "I can't understand a word you've said the whole time."
Cal: "Did you eat some peanut butter or something?"
Ricky: "Yeah, you sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth."

wearenotfrench.wav(383K) wearenotfrench.mp3(174K)

Jean Girard: "I think what you are hearing is my accent. I am French."
Ricky: "You say you're French?"
Jean Girard: "Oui."
Ricky: "We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet."

giventheworld.wav(943K) giventheworld.mp3(428K)

Ricky: "We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet."
Jean Girard: "Well, what have you given the world apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster?"
Ricky: "Chinese food."
Cal: "Chinese food."
Jean Girard: "That's from China."
Ricky: "Pizza."
Jean Girard: "Italy."
Cal: "Chimichanga."
Jean Girard: "Mexico."
Ricky: "Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?"
Jean Girard: "We invented democracy, existentialism and the blowjob."
Cal: "Those are three pretty good things."
Ricky: "Hey."
Cal: "Well, that last one's pretty cool."
Jean Girard: "And Soixante-neuf. You know, the 69 with the head near the-- That bit. We came up with it."
Herschell: "We created the missionary position. You're welcome."

strikes2and3.wav(51K) strikes2and3.mp3(24K)

Ricky: "Well, there's strikes two and three right there."

welcometoamerica.wav(42K) welcometoamerica.mp3(21K)

Ricky: "Well, welcome to America, amigo."

nutjob.wav(85K) nutjob.mp3(40K)

Ricky: "Alright, you let go of me, you Formula One jazz nutjob!"

babychipmunk.wav(132K) babychipmunk.mp3(60K)

Jean Girard: "Like the frightened baby chipmunk, you are scared by anything that is different."

ilovecrepes.wav(2766K) ilovecrepes.mp3(1255K)

Jean Girard: "I will let you go, Ricky, but first, I want you to say: 'I love crepes.'"
Cal: "Don't you say it, Ricky. These colors don't run."
Ricky: "I'm not gonna say it."
Cal: "Good."
Ricky: "Hey, look, Frenchy, I thought about it. So why don't you go ahead and break my arm?"
Jean Girard: "I do not want to break your arm, Monsieur Bobby, but I am a man of my word."
Ricky: "Here's the heal. He's not gonna break it because I'm gonna slip out of it right now. Houdini."
Jean Girard: "Whoa! Get down, you little pancake."
Ricky: "Someone might as well get me a beer while I'm down here."
Jean Girard: "But you have forced me to do this. You are now mocking me and making me look ridiculous. Just say, 'I love crepes.'"
Cal: "You know, just to put this in there, I had a whole mess of crepes this morning. They're just like pancakes, maybe even better."
Ricky: "Wait, are they the really thin pancakes?"
Cal: "Yeah."
Jean Girard: "Yes they are. They are the really thin pancakes. It's just a French word for them."
Ricky: "Oh, my god, I love those."
Cal: "Put any syrups you want on them. I'm just saying, think about it."
Ricky: "They come with cheese sometimes?"
Jean Girard: "Yes, of course, a fromage-crepe."
Ricky: "Well, why didn't someone yell that right-right away?"
Jean Girard: "Do you know what's in the crepe suzette?"
Ricky: "Oh, I love the crepe suzette."
Jean Girard: "With the sugar and lemon juice..."
Ricky: "Yeah, the sugar and the lemon juice. Sure."
Jean Girard: "Grand Marnier."
Ricky: "I wo-- I wish I could crawl into one of those right now. I'd eat my way out from the inside."
Jean Girard: "Oh, they are tasty."
Kyle: "Oh, man. Either way this goes down, could we go get some after we're done?"
Ricky: "Absolutely. We're gonna do that."
Jean Girard: "Bon. So, what if you just said: 'I love really thin pancakes'? That is a fair compromise, no?"
Kyle: "That is a fair compromise."
Herschell: "Very fair, actually."
Ricky: "No! Because then everyone would know I really meant crepes."
Kyle: "That's actually a pretty good compromise right there."
Jean Girard: "Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?"
Ricky: "You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell. You hear me?"
Cal: "Hey. This is just between you and me, okay? I mean, forget all these other guys. But he did give you a pretty decent out. But it's your call."
Ricky: "What do you think?"
Cal: "Don't say it."
Ricky: "Yeah. I'm not gonna say it. Nope. Break it, Pepe Le Pew!"
Jean Girard: "As you wish. (He breaks Ricky's arm)"
Ricky: "He actually did it!"

breakitpepelepew.wav(35K) breakitpepelepew.mp3(17K)

Ricky: "Break it, Pepe Le Pew!"

gettasered.wav(196K) gettasered.mp3(90K)

Cal: "Hold it right there, Mr. Fancy Pants Foreigner. You just broke my bro's arm. Now, you're about to get tasered. Say hello to Dr. Watts."

mrfancypants.wav(60K) mrfancypants.mp3(28K)

Cal: "Hold it right there, Mr. Fancy Pants Foreigner."

velvetpainting.wav(178K) velvetpainting.mp3(81K)

Ricky: "With all due respect-- And remember, I'm saying, 'with all due respect.' --that idea ain't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin getting it on."

myhusband.wav(464K) myhusband.mp3(211K)

Jean Girard: "Uh, everybody, this is my husband, Gregory."
Gregory: "See you at the track."
Cal: "Did he just say 'husband'?"
Herschell: "Smeet lord. Dennit hired a gay Frenchman as your teammate."
Ricky: "The room is starting to spin real fast. Because of the-- Because of gayness."

whoarealsogay.wav(132K) whoarealsogay.mp3(60K)

SPEED Channel Reporter Davey Wesling: "Before each race, Jean Girard spends time with his world-class horses, who are also gay."

onthepoll.wav(249K) onthepoll.mp3(114K)

PA Announcer (Matt Coulter): "Ladies and gentlemen, that is a new track record. As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole, which is, of course, a statement of fact and ,in no way, a comment on the driver's sexual orientation."

bythehands.wav(156K) bythehands.mp3(72K)

Jean Girard: "Soon you will know what it is like to be defeated by the hands of somebody who is truly better than you."

tastethischicken.wav(252K) tastethischicken.mp3(115K)

Jean Girard: "As William Blake wrote, 'The cut worm forgives the plow.'"
Ricky: "Well, let me just quote the late great Colonel Sanders who said 'I'm too drunk to taste this chicken.'"

catchphrase.wav(302K) catchphrase.mp3(138K)

Cal: "I got a message for all of them. Ready? Shake and Bake!"
Ricky: "What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened!"
Jean Girard: "What is that, a catch phrase or is that, uh, epilepsy?"
Cal: "Shake and Bake."
Jean Girard: "What?"
Cal: "Shake and Bake."

playforkeeps.wav(433K) playforkeeps.mp3(197K)

Jean Girard: "Listen, you better be careful because tomorrow you're going to get beaten. Beaten real bad, cowboy."
Ricky: "Really?"
Jean Girard: "Yes!"
Jean Girard: "(Talking over each other.) I don't want to know."
Ricky: "(Talking over each other.) That's news-- That's news to me."
Jean Girard: "(Talking over each other.) Tomorrow you'll be in trouble."
Ricky: "(Talking over each other.) I'll rip you a new one."
Jean Girard: "(Talking over each other.)There's going to be a croissant I'm going to take away."
Ricky: "(Talking over each other.)Because, that-- I don't wanna-- I play for keeps!"
Jean Girard: "(Talking over each other.) (Indistinct)"
Ricky: "(Talking over each other.)I play for keeps!"

beatenrealbad.wav(159K) beatenrealbad.mp3(73K)

Jean Girard: "Listen, you better be careful because tomorrow you're going to get beaten. Beaten real bad, cowboy."

itsnonsense.wav(180K) itsnonsense.mp3(82K)

Cal: "Let me tell you something, hold on. (whispers loudly into his ear) Shake and Bake!"
Ricky: "Yeah!"
Jean Girard: "What does that mean? It makes no sense. All this 'Shake and Bake,' it's nonsense."

bothverbs.wav(244K) bothverbs.mp3(112K)

Ricky: "Cal, you could say that 10,000 times and it still wouldn't be enough."
Cal: "I know. It fires me up, man."
Ricky: "I love it. Say it one more time."
Cal: "Shake and Bake!"
Carley: "Whoo!"
Ricky: "Doesn't that feel good?"
Cal: "Yeah! It rhymes, they're both verbs. It's awesome."

whocares.wav(231K) whocares.mp3(105K)

Larry Dennit, Jr.: "I am so excited. This is a new era for Dennit Racing, huh?"
Mrs. Dennit (Molly Shannon): "So serious all the time about your big race team. Who cares?"

onlyonegoodthing.wav(393K) onlyonegoodthing.mp3(179K)

Mrs. Dennit: "There's only one good thing about coming to these races and that is the vibrations from the cars. Oh, I love when them cars whiz by! Oh, I can feel the motor running up my legs."

ivegotyoupepe.wav(40K) ivegotyoupepe.mp3(19K)

Ricky: "I've got you Pepe Le Bitch."

itsmeamerica.wav(51K) itsmeamerica.mp3(24K)

Ricky: "Hey, it's me, America!"

youhavespilled.wav(58K) youhavespilled.mp3(27K)

Jean Girard: "You have spilled my macchiato."

alsoclosed.wav(98K) alsoclosed.mp3(45K)

Jean Girard: "No, no, no, my friend. This way also closed. Not this way."

whoophisbutt.wav(93K) whoophisbutt.mp3(43K)

Texas Ranger: "Come on, Daddy! Whoop his butt!"
Walker: "Send that wierd man back to Indonesia."

thisisnotgood.wav(55K) thisisnotgood.mp3(25K)

Ricky: "Yep, I'm flying through the air. This is not good."

hakunamatata.wav(59K) hakunamatata.mp3(28K)

Jean Girard: "Hakuna matata, bitches."

stopdropandroll.wav(185K) stopdropandroll.mp3(84K)

Ricky: "Oh, my god! Help me! I don't wanna die! Oh, stop, drop and roll!"
Rescue Worker (William Boyer): "You're not on fire, Ricky Bobby!"
Ricky: "I'm on fire!"
Rescue Worker: "You're not in fire."

helpmetomcruise.wav(220K) helpmetomcruise.mp3(100K)

Rescue Worker: "Mr. Bobby, come on down here."
Ricky: "Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jewish God! Help me, Allah! Help me, Tom Cruise!"

yourwitchcraft.wav(73K) yourwitchcraft.mp3(34K)

Ricky: "Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!"

invisiblefire.wav(89K) invisiblefire.mp3(41K)

Cal: "Oh, God! Please don't let the invisible fire burn my friend!"

oprahwinfrey.wav(54K) oprahwinfrey.mp3(25K)

Ricky: "Help me, Oprah Winfrey!"

pulltheplug.wav(730K) pulltheplug.mp3(332K)

Doctor (Ruffin Copeland): "He's suffering from catatonic shock. His injuries are minor, but right now he can't deal with the trauma of the wreck."
Carley: "Golly, this is a hard decision. But I have thought about it, and, uh, I want the plug pulled. Yeah."
Doctor: "Ma'am your husband's not dying. He's just taking a nap."
Carley: "Just look at him. Look at him. I've never seen him make that noise. Ever. (Ricky yawns) Got more plugs in him than a Circuit City. Oh, baby. Mama loves you so much."

mikehoncho.wav(833K) mikehoncho.mp3(379K)

Cal: "There's something I want to get off my chest. And it's about that summer when you went away to community college. I got a offer to do Playgirl magazine... and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl magazine. I mean spread, man. I pulled my butt apart and stuff... and I was totally nude, and it was weird. I-- I mean, you probably didn't hear about it because I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you could hear me, if it got into your brain somehow that I spread my butt cheeks as Mike Honcho."

anotherday.wav(1039K) anotherday.mp3(472K)

Cal: "(Ricky is taking a nap and Cal thinks he's in a Coma) I don't know how much longer I can take seeing you like this. I am not gonna let you die here like some kind of vegetable. I'm gonna put an end to this right now. Get all this crap off you. You don't need any of this crap. This is it. This is how it ends. This is how Shake and Bake ends. It's shadow time, buddy. It's time to go home to Jesus. Goodbye, buddy. (Ricky fights back as Cal tries to smother him with a pillow) Oh, wow, you definitely-- You definitely still got some fight in you. Uh, okay, maybe we give this another day."

specialpowers.wav(478K) specialpowers.mp3(217K)

Doctor: "His paralysis is entirely psychosomatic. But we all need to go along with this, because he's in a delicate state."
Cal: "So, when you say psychosomatic, you mean, like he could start a fire with his thoughts?"
Doctor: "No, not at all. It means it's all in his mind."
Cal: "I'm just saying, sometimes you get a knock on the head, you get special powers."
Lucius: "Right."
Cal: "It happens all the time. Read a comic book, okay?"

youcanwalk.wav(1088K) youcanwalk.mp3(494K)

Lucius: "Ricky, you can walk."
Ricky: "What did you just say?"
Cal: "He's telling you the truth, man. It's all in your head."
Ricky: "No. You sick sons of bitches! I mean, you walk in that door on your two legs, all fat and cocky and looking at me in my chair, and you tell me it's all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons. Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away! I mean, I pray you know that pain and that hurt."
Lucius: "Don't you put that evil on me Ricky Bobby! Don't you put that on us! You are not paralyzed!"
Ricky: "I am so paralyzed!"
Lucius: "No, no, no!"
Cal: "Getting a little rough on him."
Lucius: "No, he needs to know!"
Cal: "Okay."
Lucius: "He's always crying!"
Cal: "Tough love, it is. Tough love. Wake up, idiot!"

evilonme.wav(96K) evilonme.mp3(44K)

Lucius: "Don't you put that evil on me Ricky Bobby! Don't you put that on us!"

youarenotparalyzed.wav(52K) youarenotparalyzed.mp3(24K)

Lucius: "You are not paralyzed!"

toughlove.wav(163K) toughlove.mp3(74K)

Lucius: "No, no, no!"
Cal: "Getting a little rough on him."
Lucius: "No, he needs to know!"
Cal: "Okay."
Lucius: "He's always crying!"
Cal: "Tough love, it is. Tough love. Wake up, idiot!"

whatmylifeis.wav(1567K) whatmylifeis.mp3(711K)

Lucius: "You are not paralyzed!"
Ricky: "I am so paralyzed!"
Lucius: "No, no, no!"
Cal: "Getting a little rough on him."
Lucius: "No, he needs to know!"
Cal: "Okay."
Lucius: "He's always crying!"
Cal: "Tough love, it is. Tough love. Wake up, idiot!"
Ricky: "You wanna know what I am?! You wanna see what my life is?!
Lucius: "Don't do it."
Ricky: "You wanna see what's going on here?"
Cal: "Don't you stick that knife in your leg."
Ricky: "(He sticks the knife in his leg) Awwwwww! Man! Ow!"
Cal: "Hold on, hold on."
Ricky: "Ow!"
Cal: "Hold on, now."
Ricky: "Ow, that hurts!"
Cal: "Walk it off."
Ricky: "Ow, my--!"
Cal: "Walk it off."
Lucius: "Stretch, stretch."
Ricky: "Ow!"
Lucius: "Stretch it out."
Cal: "Hey, man. You can walk!"
Ricky: "Whoo!"
Cal: "You can walk!"
Ricky: "I can walk!"
Cal: "You can walk!"
Ricky: "I think I touched a nerve."
Lucius: "Right there."
Ricky: "I think I got a nerve."
Lucius: "Alright, we got it, we got it! Hold it right there. Hold it right there."
Ricky: "Oh, wait. Maybe-- Maybe don't touch it."
Cal: "Can you feel it?"
Ricky: "I can! Ah!"
Lucius: "We'll use this knife to pry it out. We'll pull it out."
Cal: "Hold on, hold on."
Ricky: "Now we got two-- Now we got two in there."
Cal: "Hold on."
Lucius: "Just don't think about it."
Cal: "Cut around the meat."
Ricky: "We're going down a bad path."
Lucius: "Cut around the meat. Okay."
Cal: "Cut around--"
Lucius: "Stretch it out. Stretch it out."
Ricky: "Ow!"
Cal: "Just take out a plug of meat."
Ricky: "Whoo!"
Lucius: "Right there."
Cal: "Just like a deer."
Lucius: "We gotta wiggle it just a little bit. That's it. Can you feel that?"
Cal: "You can feel that."
Ricky: "Yeah, I feel that."
Lucius: "You are back!"
Ricky: "I love you guys!"

frenchycandrive.wav(31K) frenchycandrive.mp3(15K)

Cal: "Frenchy can drive."

weirdestlittlegirl.wav(106K) weirdestlittlegirl.mp3(49K)

Carley: "Would you stop staring at me like that, Susan? I swear, you are the weirdest little girl I've ever seen."

openitup.wav(500K) openitup.mp3(228K)

Ricky: "Okay, I'm really gonna open it up! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I missed you, Mama Speed! Ricky Bobby's back!"
Larry Dennit, Jr.: "Wait. How-- How fast is he going?"
Lucius: "Uh, Twenty-six miles an hour."
Ricky: "What were those things?! Were those the other cars?! Oh, man! Oh, my-- Ahh!"

amionfire.wav(66K) amionfire.mp3(31K)

Ricky: "Am I on fire?"
Cal: "No."
Ricky: "I'm on fire."
Cal: "No, you're not on fire."

theninjas.wav(82K) theninjas.mp3(38K)

Ricky: "The ninjas are trying to get me. The ninjas are trying to get me."

asteroidorcomet.wav(94K) asteroidorcomet.mp3(43K)

Ricky: "I feel like I was riding inside an asteroid or a comet or something."
Teammate: "Yeah, you were going fast."

cuckoobird.wav(37K) cuckoobird.mp3(18K)

Cal: "I gotta go check on cuckoo bird."

leprechauntattoos.wav(109K) leprechauntattoos.mp3(50K)

Cal: "We're getting married, Ricky. And we're getting matching leprechaun tattoos."

twochristmases.wav(105K) twochristmases.mp3(48K)

Ricky: "Are you asking me for a divorce?"
Walker and Texas Ranger: "Yay! Two Christmases!"

newnickname.wav(400K) newnickname.mp3(182K)

Carley: "It's so good. It's so good."
Cal: "I got a new nickname. The Magic Man. Now you see me..."
Cal and Carley: "...now you don't."
Ricky: "That is the stupidest nickname I've ever heard."
Cal: "Is it, Ricky? Because I think you wish you thought of it."
Ricky: "Alright, you got me. That's an awesome nickname."

greatideas.wav(494K) greatideas.mp3(225K)

Cal: "I've always had a lot of great ideas. I was thinking I might design a car that's in the shape of a rabbit. And it might poop out little real rabbits out the back that'll run around the track."
Ricky: "You have live rabbits being pooped out onto a track?"
Cal: "If I win, I might do a special thing with David Copperfield where he hides in my car in the passenger seat and he just flings magic stuff out the window."
Ricky: "Have you run any of this by NASCAR?"