Movie Quotes - Movie Sounds - Movie Wavs
 


 

Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby price at: amazon, buy.com


All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 22Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).


guesshowfast.wav(172K) guesshowfast.mp3(79K) guesshowfast.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Reese Bobby (Gary Cole): "Guess how fast we're going now."
Lucy Bobby (Jane Lynch): "I don' care, I'm having a baby!"
Reese Bobby: "A hundred and five miles an hour, you believe that?"


wafflehouse.wav(399K) wafflehouse.mp3(182K) wafflehouse.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Waffle House Manager (Jason Davis): "I'm happy that Waffle House was okay with me coming here to talk to y'all about my day about my day-to-day. And y'all, that's pretty much in a shell what it's like to manage a Waffle House. Ma'am, I don't know what else you want me to say to them. And I'm also gonna need to know where your commode's at."
Schoolteacher (Lorrie Bess Crumley): "Okay, let's give a round of applause. Thank you."


tenyears.wav(193K) tenyears.mp3(88K) tenyears.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Reese Bobby: "Hey, there, boy! Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months?"
10-Year-Old Ricky (Luke Bigham): "Ten years."
Reese Bobby: "Ten years? Man, I gotta lay of the peyote."


thepeyote.wav(46K) thepeyote.mp3(21K) thepeyote.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Reese Bobby: "Man, I gotta lay of the peyote."


nosmoking.wav(86K) nosmoking.mp3(40K) nosmoking.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Schoolteacher: "Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here."
Reese Bobby: "Oh, it's alright, Darling, I'm a volunteer fireman."




racecardriver.wav(941K) racecardriver.mp3(428K) racecardriver.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Reese Bobby: "Okay, I am a semi-professional racecar driver and an amateur tattoo artist."
Kids: "ooh."
Reese Bobby: "And the first thing you gotta leard if you're gonna be a racecar driver is you don't listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher over here."
Schoolteacher: "Okay, I think that's enough."
Reese Bobby: "Your teacher wants you no go slow, and she's wrong, 'cause it's the fastest who gets paid and it's the fastest who gets laid."
Kids: "(cheer)"
Reese Bobby: "Oh, yeah. You know what I'm talking about. (He gets thrown out of the school) You people are in the wrong on this one! So in the wrong! This in egregious, do you hear me? Egregious! We were cellmates together, Andy. You got payback coming!"


tattooartist.wav(161K) tattooartist.mp3(74K) tattooartist.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Reese Bobby: "I am a semi-professional racecar driver and an amateur tattoo artist."
Kids: "ooh."


egredious.wav(159K) egredious.mp3(73K) egredious.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Reese Bobby: "You people are in the wrong on this one! So in the wrong! This in egregious, do you hear me? Egregious!"


cellmates.wav(67K) cellmates.mp3(31K) cellmates.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Reese Bobby: "We were cellmates together, Andy. You got payback coming!"


shakeandbake.wav(76K) shakeandbake.mp3(35K) shakeandbake.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky Bobby (Will Ferrell): "Hey, Shake and Bake, Cal."
Cal Naughton, Jr. (John C. Reilly): "Shake and Bake!"


iwannagofast.wav(178K) iwannagofast.mp3(81K) iwannagofast.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Lucius Washington (Michael Clarke Duncan): "Now, is there anyone out there who wants to go fast? Anybody?"
Ricky: "I wanna go fast."


matchboxcars.wav(139K) matchboxcars.mp3(64K) matchboxcars.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "Remember that time we got kicked out of biology class for playing with matchbox cars?"
Ricky: "Yeah."
Cal: "Who's retarded now?"


wastingtime.wav(584K) wastingtime.mp3(266K) wastingtime.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "Hey, what are you doing after this?"
Ricky: "After the race?"
Cal: "Yeah."
Ricky: "I don't know, but it feels like we're wasting a lot of time."
Cal: "No, I know, I know. I'm just excited, man!"
Ricky: "Yeah, I know. Yeah."
Cal: "Hey, I love you!"
Ricky: "What?"
Cal: "Nothing. Shake and Bake! Get some! You're my best friend! You're my best friend!"
Ricky: "Okay, then!"
Cal: "I'm in there with you!"
Ricky: "I gotta get going!"
Cal: "Go, go!"


dosomedriving.wav(283K) dosomedriving.mp3(129K) dosomedriving.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Lucius: "Hey, Ricky, just remember one thing: if you wreck that car, that's 200 grand out of your pocket, so let's take it nice and slow, okay?"
Ricky: "With all due respect, Lucius, I'm gonna do some driving."


personalinformation.wav(274K) personalinformation.mp3(125K) personalinformation.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Hey, Lucius, just wanted to share a little piece of personal information with you. I got a chubby right now because this is one of the most awesome experiences of my life because I'm getting to drive a racecar! I can't believe it! Oh my god! Oh my god!"


wowthatwascool.wav(100K) wowthatwascool.mp3(46K) wowthatwascool.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "(Cars crashing all around him) Wow, that was cool!"


withmyhands.wav(388K) withmyhands.mp3(177K) withmyhands.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "I felt like I was on a spaceship and, uh-- I'm not sure what to do with my hands."
ESPN Reporter (John D. King): "Uh, be good just to hold them down by your side. Yeah, right."
Ricky: "Okay. We we're real happy with, um, with what was going on. And, uh, at the end of the day, you know, you gotta be happy."


thiswinningthing.wav(58K) thiswinningthing.mp3(27K) thiswinningthing.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "I could get used to this winning thing!"


crispysmell.wav(418K) crispysmell.mp3(191K) crispysmell.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "Hey, we just want to say to all you other drivers out there if you smell a delicious crispy smell after the race it's not your tailpipe, it's a little bit of... shake..."
Ricky: "and then... bake."
Cal and Ricky: "Shake and Bake!"
Cal: "That's our nickname."
Ricky: "Get used to hearing it."


pleasebeeighteen.wav(183K) pleasebeeighteen.mp3(84K) pleasebeeighteen.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Carley Bobby (Leslie Bibb): "Hey, dirver! Drive these! (She flashes him) Whooo!"
Ricky: "Please be eighteen."


thinkyoureawesome.wav(241K) thinkyoureawesome.mp3(110K) thinkyoureawesome.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale Earnheardt Jr. (Himself): "Hey, excuse me, Ricky."
Ricky: "Hey, Dale."
Dale: "Hey, can I get your autograph?"
Ricky: "Yeah, sure. Who do I make this out to?"
Dale: "Uh, it's for me. I think you're awesome, man. Just don't tell any of the other drivers."
Ricky: "Yeah, no, I'm not gonna tell anyone."
Dale: "Thanks, man."
Ricky: "Alright, I'll see you out there."


signyourbaby.wav(101K) signyourbaby.mp3(47K) signyourbaby.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Absolutely, ma'am, I'd love to sign your baby. You're not gonna wanna wash that forehead. You hear me?"


autographmode.wav(182K) autographmode.mp3(83K) autographmode.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Susan (Amy Adams): "Ahh! No, it's me, it's me, Susan, your assistant."
Ricky: "Susan, you gotta watch it when I get into autograph mode."
Susan: "I know, I'm sorry. It's my fault, I shouldn't have been standing."


jackhawk9000.wav(157K) jackhawk9000.mp3(72K) jackhawk9000.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Hey, I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is right around the corner and what better gift to give a loved one than the Jackhawk 9000?"


ladypartstuff.wav(215K) ladypartstuff.mp3(98K) ladypartstuff.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "When you work on your mysterious lady-part stuff, you should have the right tools too. So that's why you should use... Maypax, the official tampon of NASCAR."


bigred.wav(82K) bigred.mp3(38K) bigred.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then (beep) you."


prunecandy.wav(116K) prunecandy.mp3(53K) prunecandy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "(Imitating Asian language) ...prune candy."


tiujuana.wav(107K) tiujuana.mp3(49K) tiujuana.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Hey, I'm Ricky Bobby."
Cal: "And I'm Cal Naughton Jr."
Ricky: "Urging you never to travel to Tijuana."


pissexcellence.wav(465K) pissexcellence.mp3(211K) pissexcellence.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dick Berggren (Himself): "It seems if you either win or crash trying to win."
Ricky: "Well, Dick, here's the deal. I'm the best there is, plain and simple. I mean, I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence. And nobody can hand with my stuff. Uh, you know, I'm just a big, hairy, American winning machine. If you ain't first, you're last. You know what I'm talking about? That phrase is trademarked not to be used without permission of Ricky Bobby Inc."


babyjesus.wav(3846K) babyjesus.mp3(1745K) babyjesus.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Dear lord baby Jesus or as our brothers to the south call you, Jesus, we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino's, KFC and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family: my two beautiful, beautiful handsome, striking sons Walker and Texas Ranger or T.R. as we call him and of course my red-hot smoking wife, Carley who is a stone-cold fox. Who if you were to rate her ass on 100, it would easilly be a 94. Also wanna thank you for my best friend and teammate, Cal Naughton Jr who's got my back no batter what."
Cal: "Shake and Bake."
Ricky: "Dear Lord baby Jesus, we also thank you for my wife's father, Chip. We hope that you can use your baby Jesus powers to heal him and his horrible leg. And it smells terrible and the dogs are always bothering with it. Dear, tiny infant Jesus, we--"
Carley: "Hey, um, you know, sweetie, Jesus did grow up. You don't always have to call him, 'baby.' It's a bit odd and off-putting to pray to a baby."
Ricky: "Well, I like the Christmas Jesus best and I'm saying grace. When you say grace, you can say it to grownup Jesus or teenage Jesus or bearded Jesus, or whoever you want."
Carley: "You know what I want? I want you to do this grace good, so that God will let us win tomorrow."
Ricky: "Dear tiny Jesus in your golden-fleece diapers, with your tiny, little, fat, balled-up fists pawing at the air..."
Chip (Ted Manson): "He was a man. He had a beard."
Ricky: "Look, I like the baby version the best, do you hear me? I win the races and I get the money."
Carley: "Ricky, finish the damn grace."
Cal: "I like to picture Jesus in a Tuxedo T-shirt because it says, like, 'I wanna be formal...'"
Ricky: "Right."
Cal: "'...but I'm here to party too.' 'Cause I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party."
Walker (Houston Tumlin): "I like to picture Jesus as a ninja fighting off evil samurai."
Cal: "I like to think of Jesus, like, with giant eagle's wings."
Ricky: "Yeah."
Cal: "And singing lead vocal for Lynyrd Skynyrd with, like, a angel band. And I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk."
Carley: "Hey, Cal? Why don't you just shut up?"
Cal: "Yes, ma'am."
Ricky: "Okay. Dear, 8-pound, 6-ounce, newborn infant Jesus, don't even know a word yet, just a little infant and so cuddly, but still omnipotent, we just thank you for all the races I've won and the 21.2 millios dollars-- Whoo!"
Cal: "Whoo!"
Carley: "Whoo!"
The Kids: "Ow!"
Ricky: "Love that money! --that I have accrued over this past season. Also due to a binding endorsement contract that stipulates I mention Powerade at each grace I just wanna say that Powerade is delicious and it cools you off os a hot summer day. And we look forward to Powerade's release of Mystic Mountain Blueberry. Thank you for all your power and your grace, dear baby God. Amen."
Carley: "Amen."
Cal: "Amen!"
Ricky: "Let's dig in!"
Cal: "That was a hell of a grace, man. You nailed that like a split hog!"
Ricky: "I appreciate that. I'm not gonna lie to you, it felt good."


bountifulharvest.wav(306K) bountifulharvest.mp3(140K) bountifulharvest.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Dear lord baby Jesus or as our brothers to the south call you, Jesus, we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino's, KFC and the always delicious Taco Bell."


myfamily.wav(443K) myfamily.mp3(202K) myfamily.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "I just want to take time to say thank you for my family: my two beautiful, beautiful handsome, striking sons Walker and Texas Ranger or T.R. as we call him and of course my red-hot smoking wife, Carley who is a stone-cold fox. Who if you were to rate her ass on 100, it would easilly be a 94."


praytoababy.wav(388K) praytoababy.mp3(177K) praytoababy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Dear, tiny infant Jesus, we--"
Carley: "Hey, um, you know, sweetie, Jesus did grow up. You don't always have to call him, 'baby.' It's a bit odd and off-putting to pray to a baby."
Ricky: "Well, I like the Christmas Jesus best and I'm saying grace. When you say grace, you can say it to grownup Jesus or teenage Jesus or bearded Jesus, or whoever you want."


hehadabeard.wav(365K) hehadabeard.mp3(166K) hehadabeard.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Dear tiny Jesus in your golden-fleece diapers, with your tiny, little, fat, balled-up fists pawing at the air..."
Chip: "He was a man. He had a beard."
Ricky: "Look, I like the baby version the best, do you hear me? I win the races and I get the money."
Carley: "Ricky, finish the damn grace."


picturejesus.wav(627K) picturejesus.mp3(285K) picturejesus.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "I like to picture Jesus in a Tuxedo T-shirt because it says, like, 'I wanna be formal...'"
Ricky: "Right."
Cal: "'...but I'm here to party too.' 'Cause I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party."
Walker: "I like to picture Jesus as a ninja fighting off evil samurai."
Cal: "I like to think of Jesus, like, with giant eagle's wings."
Ricky: "Yeah."
Cal: "And singing lead vocal for Lynyrd Skynyrd with, like, a angel band. And I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk."
Carley: "Hey, Cal? Why don't you just shut up?"
Cal: "Yes, ma'am."


lovethatmoney.wav(430K) lovethatmoney.mp3(196K) lovethatmoney.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Dear, 8-pound, 6-ounce, newborn infant Jesus, don't even know a word yet, just a little infant and so cuddly, but still omnipotent, we just thank you for all the races I've won and the 21.2 millios dollars-- Whoo!"
Cal: "Whoo!"
Carley: "Whoo!"
The Kids: "Ow!"
Ricky: "Love that money!"


itfeltgood.wav(37K) itfeltgood.mp3(17K) itfeltgood.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "I'm not gonna lie to you, it felt good."


madethatgrace.wav(44K) madethatgrace.mp3(21K) madethatgrace.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Walker: "Dad, you made that grace your bitch."


dirtypeepants.wav(498K) dirtypeepants.mp3(227K) dirtypeepants.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Texas Ranger (Grayson Russell): "Well, the teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina."
Ricky: "Mm-hmm?"
Texas Ranger: "I said, 'Washington, D.C.'"
Cal: "Bingo."
Ricky: "Nice."
Texas Ranger: "She said, 'No, you're wrong.' I said, 'You got a lumpy butt.' She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants. And I never did change my pee pants all day. I'm still sitting in my dirty pee pants."
Cal: "I wet my bed until I was 19. There's no shame in that."


carleystatas.wav(396K) carleystatas.mp3(181K) carleystatas.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "I tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed. These two are two in a million."
Ricky: "I am."
Cal: "Just like Carley's tatas. You won't find another rack like that, I guarantee you."
Carley: "Thank you, Cal."
Walker: "That's real sweet of you, Cal."
Ricky: "Cal, that's a real nice sentiment. That's one of the nicest things you've ever said."
Cal: "Well, I mean it."
Carley: "Stop, you're gonna make me cry."


terribleboys.wav(1186K) terribleboys.mp3(539K) terribleboys.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Chip: "A can't hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren, and you are raising them wrong. They are terrible boys."
Walker: "Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!"
Texas Ranger: "I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head."
Cal: "Yeah!"
Ricky: "Yeah. Turn up the heat!"
Cal: "Go on and get some, boys."
Ricky: "Come on."
Walker: "I'm 10 years old but I'll beat your ass."
Texas Ranger: "Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey."
Cal: "Like a spider monkey! Go on."
Ricky: "Chip, you brought this on, man."
Walker: "The greatest generation, my ass. Tom Brokaw is a punk."
Chip: "What is wrong with you?"
Texas Ranger: "Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew."
Ricky: "Whoo-hoo, I love that."
Cal: "You gonna let your sons talk to their grandfather like that? I'm their elder."
Ricky: "I sure as hell am, Chip. I love the way they're talking to you. 'Cause they're winners. Winners get to do what they want. Hell, you're just a bag of bones. Only thing you ever done with your life is make a hot daughter. That's it. That's it! That is it!"
Carley: "We wanted us some wussies, we would've named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman, okay?"


scissorkick.wav(65K) scissorkick.mp3(30K) scissorkick.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Texas Ranger: "I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head."


turnuptheheat.wav(84K) turnuptheheat.mp3(39K) turnuptheheat.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "Yeah!"
Ricky: "Yeah. Turn up the heat!"
Cal: "Go on and get some, boys."
Ricky: "Come on."


10yearsold.wav(52K) 10yearsold.mp3(24K) 10yearsold.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Walker: "I'm 10 years old but I'll beat your ass."


spidermonkey.wav(101K) spidermonkey.mp3(47K) spidermonkey.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Texas Ranger: "Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey."
Cal: "Like a spider monkey! Go on."


jackedup.wav(47K) jackedup.mp3(22K) jackedup.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Texas Ranger: "I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew."


hotdaughter.wav(145K) hotdaughter.mp3(67K) hotdaughter.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Hell, you're just a bag of bones. Only thing you ever done with your life is make a hot daughter. That's it. That's it! That is it!"


drquinn.wav(91K) drquinn.mp3(42K) drquinn.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Carley: "We wanted us some wussies, we would've named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman, okay?"


worktoohard.wav(38K) worktoohard.mp3(18K) worktoohard.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "I work too hard for your bull, chip."


beermoney.wav(361K) beermoney.mp3(165K) beermoney.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Texas Ticket Seller 1 (Danny Vinson): "That's the saddest thing I ever seen in my life, y'all" That boy leaves two tickets for his daddy at every race and he never shows up.
Texas Ticket Seller 2 (Sylvia G. Lyerly): "That's a shame."
Texas Ticket Seller 1: "The human heart is such a mystery. Let's sell these bitches, huh?"
Texas Ticket Seller 2: "Hell, yeah."
Texas Ticket Seller 1: "Beer money, huh?"


itsonsale.wav(168K) itsonsale.mp3(77K) itsonsale.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Hey, Jamie, losing's never fun, but here's something to pick your spirits up. (He flips him the bird) It's real nice. I got it at Target. It's on sale."


dumbestthankyou.wav(219K) dumbestthankyou.mp3(100K) dumbestthankyou.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "We did it!"
Lucius: "I don't wanna be raining on your parade, but I gotta tell you, that was some of the dumbest driving I have ever seen in my life."
Ricky: "Thank you."


liveforever.wav(585K) liveforever.mp3(266K) liveforever.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Lucius: "You're not gonna live forever."
Ricky: "I'm not stupid, Lucius. No one lives forever. No one. But with advances in modern science and my high level of income, I mean, it's not crazy to think I can't live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper they put a pig heart in some guy from Russian. You know-- I mean, do you know what that means?"
Lucius: "No, I don't know what that means. I guess, longer life."
Ricky: "Well, no, he didn't live."
Lucius: "He didn't live?"
Ricky: "No. It' just exciting that we're trying thing like that."
Lucius: "Yeah."


ballsremoved.wav(277K) ballsremoved.mp3(126K) ballsremoved.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Larry Dennit, Jr. (Greg Germann): "Early word out of NASCAR is your little obscene gesture's gonna cost you 100 points. Do you know how much that costs us in sponsorship dollars?"
Ricky: "Well, with all due respect, Mr. Dennit, I had no idea you'd gotten experimental surgery to have your balls removed."


allduerespect.wav(225K) allduerespect.mp3(103K) allduerespect.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Larry Dennit, Jr: "What did you-- What did you say? What was that?"
Ricky: "Well, what? I said 'With all due respect.'"
Larry Dennit, Jr: "That doesn't mean you get to say whatever you want to say to me."
Ricky: "I sure as heck does."
Larry Dennit, Jr: "No, no, it doesn't mean that."
Ricky: "It's in the Geneva Convention. Look it up."


gotogether.wav(402K) gotogether.mp3(183K) gotogether.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "We go together like Chines food and chocolate pudding. Let's face it."
Ricky: "Yeah, but, Cal, those are two things that don't really go together, though."
Cal: "Oh, we go together like cocaine and Waffles."
Ricky: "No, like, for instance, if you-- if I say peanut butter and..."
Cal: "...ladies."
Herschell (David Koechner): "Yup."
Cal: "Right?"
Ricky: "No, jelly."
Cal: "Am I right?"
Herschell: "Jelly? I was gonna say..."
Cal: "You like to put Jelly on a lady?"


getheracoffin.wav(172K) getheracoffin.mp3(79K) getheracoffin.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Glenn (Jack McBrayer): "So, I was talking to Nana on Saturday, and her birthday's coming up but I don't know what to get her. She's gonna be 88."
Kyle (Ian Roberts): "Get her a coffin."


buryitdeepdown.wav(710K) buryitdeepdown.mp3(323K) buryitdeepdown.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "You know, I was thinking, though, one time, uh, it would be really awesome if, like, you could slingshot me in for a win."
Ricky: "Yeah, but-- Okay, but, if you won, how, how am I gonna win?"
Cal: "Yeah."
Ricky: "Think about it."
Cal: "No, I was thinking about..."
Ricky: "I mean, it's not like you're finishing 18th."
Cal: "Nothing wrong with silver."
Ricky: "Nothing wrong with silver at all."
Cal: "I'm just kidding you, man. I don't wanna win. I'll just bury it down inside."
Ricky: "Bury it deep down in there, and never bring it up again."
Cal: "It's painful, and I love you!"


gigolo.wav(591K) gigolo.mp3(269K) gigolo.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Kyle: "Get her a gigolo."
Glenn: "What?"
Kyle: "A guy to have sex with her."
Glenn: "No, she's gonna be 88 and..."
Kyle: "You don't stop liking sex when you're old."
Glenn: "Well, I was thinking more along the line of, um-- Like, she likes afghans and quilts and kind of stuffs."
Kyle: "She's probably got like a million of those in her closet. How many dudes does she have coming over to have sex with her?"
Glenn: "None."
Kyle: "Exactly. Be thoughtful, Glenn."


somethingdying.wav(335K) somethingdying.mp3(153K) somethingdying.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "(Jazz music playing on the jukebox) What is that?"
Kyle: "Someone made a tape of something dying or something."
Ricky: "Hey, turn that crap off. What's going on?"
Herschell: "I want that music out of my head!"
Ricky: "Hey, turn that off! Turn that off right now! (someone pulls the plug)"


awordyousaid.wav(285K) awordyousaid.mp3(130K) awordyousaid.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur Bobby."
Ricky: "I can't understand a word you've said the whole time."
Cal: "Did you eat some peanut butter or something?"
Ricky: "Yeah, you sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth."


wearenotfrench.wav(383K) wearenotfrench.mp3(174K) wearenotfrench.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "I think what you are hearing is my accent. I am French."
Ricky: "You say you're French?"
Jean Girard: "Oui."
Ricky: "We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet."


giventheworld.wav(943K) giventheworld.mp3(428K) giventheworld.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet."
Jean Girard: "Well, what have you given the world apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster?"
Ricky: "Chinese food."
Cal: "Chinese food."
Jean Girard: "That's from China."
Ricky: "Pizza."
Jean Girard: "Italy."
Cal: "Chimichanga."
Jean Girard: "Mexico."
Ricky: "Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?"
Jean Girard: "We invented democracy, existentialism and the blowjob."
Cal: "Those are three pretty good things."
Ricky: "Hey."
Cal: "Well, that last one's pretty cool."
Jean Girard: "And Soixante-neuf. You know, the 69 with the head near the-- That bit. We came up with it."
Herschell: "We created the missionary position. You're welcome."


strikes2and3.wav(51K) strikes2and3.mp3(24K) strikes2and3.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Well, there's strikes two and three right there."


welcometoamerica.wav(42K) welcometoamerica.mp3(21K) welcometoamerica.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Well, welcome to America, amigo."


nutjob.wav(85K) nutjob.mp3(40K) nutjob.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Alright, you let go of me, you Formula One jazz nutjob!"


babychipmunk.wav(132K) babychipmunk.mp3(60K) babychipmunk.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "Like the frightened baby chipmunk, you are scared by anything that is different."


ilovecrepes.wav(2766K) ilovecrepes.mp3(1255K) ilovecrepes.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "I will let you go, Ricky, but first, I want you to say: 'I love crepes.'"
Cal: "Don't you say it, Ricky. These colors don't run."
Ricky: "I'm not gonna say it."
Cal: "Good."
Ricky: "Hey, look, Frenchy, I thought about it. So why don't you go ahead and break my arm?"
Jean Girard: "I do not want to break your arm, Monsieur Bobby, but I am a man of my word."
Ricky: "Here's the heal. He's not gonna break it because I'm gonna slip out of it right now. Houdini."
Jean Girard: "Whoa! Get down, you little pancake."
Ricky: "Someone might as well get me a beer while I'm down here."
Jean Girard: "But you have forced me to do this. You are now mocking me and making me look ridiculous. Just say, 'I love crepes.'"
Cal: "You know, just to put this in there, I had a whole mess of crepes this morning. They're just like pancakes, maybe even better."
Ricky: "Wait, are they the really thin pancakes?"
Cal: "Yeah."
Jean Girard: "Yes they are. They are the really thin pancakes. It's just a French word for them."
Ricky: "Oh, my god, I love those."
Cal: "Put any syrups you want on them. I'm just saying, think about it."
Ricky: "They come with cheese sometimes?"
Jean Girard: "Yes, of course, a fromage-crepe."
Ricky: "Well, why didn't someone yell that right-right away?"
Jean Girard: "Do you know what's in the crepe suzette?"
Ricky: "Oh, I love the crepe suzette."
Jean Girard: "With the sugar and lemon juice..."
Ricky: "Yeah, the sugar and the lemon juice. Sure."
Jean Girard: "Grand Marnier."
Ricky: "I wo-- I wish I could crawl into one of those right now. I'd eat my way out from the inside."
Jean Girard: "Oh, they are tasty."
Kyle: "Oh, man. Either way this goes down, could we go get some after we're done?"
Ricky: "Absolutely. We're gonna do that."
Jean Girard: "Bon. So, what if you just said: 'I love really thin pancakes'? That is a fair compromise, no?"
Kyle: "That is a fair compromise."
Herschell: "Very fair, actually."
Ricky: "No! Because then everyone would know I really meant crepes."
Kyle: "That's actually a pretty good compromise right there."
Jean Girard: "Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?"
Ricky: "You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell. You hear me?"
Cal: "Hey. This is just between you and me, okay? I mean, forget all these other guys. But he did give you a pretty decent out. But it's your call."
Ricky: "What do you think?"
Cal: "Don't say it."
Ricky: "Yeah. I'm not gonna say it. Nope. Break it, Pepe Le Pew!"
Jean Girard: "As you wish. (He breaks Ricky's arm)"
Ricky: "He actually did it!"


breakitpepelepew.wav(35K) breakitpepelepew.mp3(17K) breakitpepelepew.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Break it, Pepe Le Pew!"


gettasered.wav(196K) gettasered.mp3(90K) gettasered.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "Hold it right there, Mr. Fancy Pants Foreigner. You just broke my bro's arm. Now, you're about to get tasered. Say hello to Dr. Watts."


mrfancypants.wav(60K) mrfancypants.mp3(28K) mrfancypants.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "Hold it right there, Mr. Fancy Pants Foreigner."


velvetpainting.wav(178K) velvetpainting.mp3(81K) velvetpainting.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "With all due respect-- And remember, I'm saying, 'with all due respect.' --that idea ain't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin getting it on."


myhusband.wav(464K) myhusband.mp3(211K) myhusband.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "Uh, everybody, this is my husband, Gregory."
Gregory: "See you at the track."
Cal: "Did he just say 'husband'?"
Herschell: "Smeet lord. Dennit hired a gay Frenchman as your teammate."
Ricky: "The room is starting to spin real fast. Because of the-- Because of gayness."


whoarealsogay.wav(132K) whoarealsogay.mp3(60K) whoarealsogay.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

SPEED Channel Reporter Davey Wesling: "Before each race, Jean Girard spends time with his world-class horses, who are also gay."


onthepoll.wav(249K) onthepoll.mp3(114K) onthepoll.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

PA Announcer (Matt Coulter): "Ladies and gentlemen, that is a new track record. As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole, which is, of course, a statement of fact and ,in no way, a comment on the driver's sexual orientation."


bythehands.wav(156K) bythehands.mp3(72K) bythehands.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "Soon you will know what it is like to be defeated by the hands of somebody who is truly better than you."


tastethischicken.wav(252K) tastethischicken.mp3(115K) tastethischicken.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "As William Blake wrote, 'The cut worm forgives the plow.'"
Ricky: "Well, let me just quote the late great Colonel Sanders who said 'I'm too drunk to taste this chicken.'"


catchphrase.wav(302K) catchphrase.mp3(138K) catchphrase.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "I got a message for all of them. Ready? Shake and Bake!"
Ricky: "What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened!"
Jean Girard: "What is that, a catch phrase or is that, uh, epilepsy?"
Cal: "Shake and Bake."
Jean Girard: "What?"
Cal: "Shake and Bake."


playforkeeps.wav(433K) playforkeeps.mp3(197K) playforkeeps.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "Listen, you better be careful because tomorrow you're going to get beaten. Beaten real bad, cowboy."
Ricky: "Really?"
Jean Girard: "Yes!"
Jean Girard: "(Talking over each other.) I don't want to know."
Ricky: "(Talking over each other.) That's news-- That's news to me."
Jean Girard: "(Talking over each other.) Tomorrow you'll be in trouble."
Ricky: "(Talking over each other.) I'll rip you a new one."
Jean Girard: "(Talking over each other.)There's going to be a croissant I'm going to take away."
Ricky: "(Talking over each other.)Because, that-- I don't wanna-- I play for keeps!"
Jean Girard: "(Talking over each other.) (Indistinct)"
Ricky: "(Talking over each other.)I play for keeps!"


beatenrealbad.wav(159K) beatenrealbad.mp3(73K) beatenrealbad.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "Listen, you better be careful because tomorrow you're going to get beaten. Beaten real bad, cowboy."


itsnonsense.wav(180K) itsnonsense.mp3(82K) itsnonsense.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "Let me tell you something, hold on. (whispers loudly into his ear) Shake and Bake!"
Ricky: "Yeah!"
Jean Girard: "What does that mean? It makes no sense. All this 'Shake and Bake,' it's nonsense."


bothverbs.wav(244K) bothverbs.mp3(112K) bothverbs.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Cal, you could say that 10,000 times and it still wouldn't be enough."
Cal: "I know. It fires me up, man."
Ricky: "I love it. Say it one more time."
Cal: "Shake and Bake!"
Carley: "Whoo!"
Ricky: "Doesn't that feel good?"
Cal: "Yeah! It rhymes, they're both verbs. It's awesome."


whocares.wav(231K) whocares.mp3(105K) whocares.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Larry Dennit, Jr.: "I am so excited. This is a new era for Dennit Racing, huh?"
Mrs. Dennit (Molly Shannon): "So serious all the time about your big race team. Who cares?"


onlyonegoodthing.wav(393K) onlyonegoodthing.mp3(179K) onlyonegoodthing.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Mrs. Dennit: "There's only one good thing about coming to these races and that is the vibrations from the cars. Oh, I love when them cars whiz by! Oh, I can feel the motor running up my legs."


ivegotyoupepe.wav(40K) ivegotyoupepe.mp3(19K) ivegotyoupepe.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "I've got you Pepe Le Bitch."


itsmeamerica.wav(51K) itsmeamerica.mp3(24K) itsmeamerica.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Hey, it's me, America!"


youhavespilled.wav(58K) youhavespilled.mp3(27K) youhavespilled.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "You have spilled my macchiato."


alsoclosed.wav(98K) alsoclosed.mp3(45K) alsoclosed.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "No, no, no, my friend. This way also closed. Not this way."


whoophisbutt.wav(93K) whoophisbutt.mp3(43K) whoophisbutt.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Texas Ranger: "Come on, Daddy! Whoop his butt!"
Walker: "Send that wierd man back to Indonesia."


thisisnotgood.wav(55K) thisisnotgood.mp3(25K) thisisnotgood.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Yep, I'm flying through the air. This is not good."


hakunamatata.wav(59K) hakunamatata.mp3(28K) hakunamatata.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "Hakuna matata, bitches."


stopdropandroll.wav(185K) stopdropandroll.mp3(84K) stopdropandroll.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Oh, my god! Help me! I don't wanna die! Oh, stop, drop and roll!"
Rescue Worker (William Boyer): "You're not on fire, Ricky Bobby!"
Ricky: "I'm on fire!"
Rescue Worker: "You're not in fire."


helpmetomcruise.wav(220K) helpmetomcruise.mp3(100K) helpmetomcruise.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Rescue Worker: "Mr. Bobby, come on down here."
Ricky: "Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jewish God! Help me, Allah! Help me, Tom Cruise!"


yourwitchcraft.wav(73K) yourwitchcraft.mp3(34K) yourwitchcraft.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!"


invisiblefire.wav(89K) invisiblefire.mp3(41K) invisiblefire.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "Oh, God! Please don't let the invisible fire burn my friend!"


oprahwinfrey.wav(54K) oprahwinfrey.mp3(25K) oprahwinfrey.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Help me, Oprah Winfrey!"


pulltheplug.wav(730K) pulltheplug.mp3(332K) pulltheplug.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Doctor (Ruffin Copeland): "He's suffering from catatonic shock. His injuries are minor, but right now he can't deal with the trauma of the wreck."
Carley: "Golly, this is a hard decision. But I have thought about it, and, uh, I want the plug pulled. Yeah."
Doctor: "Ma'am your husband's not dying. He's just taking a nap."
Carley: "Just look at him. Look at him. I've never seen him make that noise. Ever. (Ricky yawns) Got more plugs in him than a Circuit City. Oh, baby. Mama loves you so much."


mikehoncho.wav(833K) mikehoncho.mp3(379K) mikehoncho.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "There's something I want to get off my chest. And it's about that summer when you went away to community college. I got a offer to do Playgirl magazine... and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl magazine. I mean spread, man. I pulled my butt apart and stuff... and I was totally nude, and it was weird. I-- I mean, you probably didn't hear about it because I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you could hear me, if it got into your brain somehow that I spread my butt cheeks as Mike Honcho."


anotherday.wav(1039K) anotherday.mp3(472K) anotherday.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "(Ricky is taking a nap and Cal thinks he's in a Coma) I don't know how much longer I can take seeing you like this. I am not gonna let you die here like some kind of vegetable. I'm gonna put an end to this right now. Get all this crap off you. You don't need any of this crap. This is it. This is how it ends. This is how Shake and Bake ends. It's shadow time, buddy. It's time to go home to Jesus. Goodbye, buddy. (Ricky fights back as Cal tries to smother him with a pillow) Oh, wow, you definitely-- You definitely still got some fight in you. Uh, okay, maybe we give this another day."


specialpowers.wav(478K) specialpowers.mp3(217K) specialpowers.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Doctor: "His paralysis is entirely psychosomatic. But we all need to go along with this, because he's in a delicate state."
Cal: "So, when you say psychosomatic, you mean, like he could start a fire with his thoughts?"
Doctor: "No, not at all. It means it's all in his mind."
Cal: "I'm just saying, sometimes you get a knock on the head, you get special powers."
Lucius: "Right."
Cal: "It happens all the time. Read a comic book, okay?"


youcanwalk.wav(1088K) youcanwalk.mp3(494K) youcanwalk.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Lucius: "Ricky, you can walk."
Ricky: "What did you just say?"
Cal: "He's telling you the truth, man. It's all in your head."
Ricky: "No. You sick sons of bitches! I mean, you walk in that door on your two legs, all fat and cocky and looking at me in my chair, and you tell me it's all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons. Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away! I mean, I pray you know that pain and that hurt."
Lucius: "Don't you put that evil on me Ricky Bobby! Don't you put that on us! You are not paralyzed!"
Ricky: "I am so paralyzed!"
Lucius: "No, no, no!"
Cal: "Getting a little rough on him."
Lucius: "No, he needs to know!"
Cal: "Okay."
Lucius: "He's always crying!"
Cal: "Tough love, it is. Tough love. Wake up, idiot!"


evilonme.wav(96K) evilonme.mp3(44K) evilonme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Lucius: "Don't you put that evil on me Ricky Bobby! Don't you put that on us!"


youarenotparalyzed.wav(52K) youarenotparalyzed.mp3(24K) youarenotparalyzed.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Lucius: "You are not paralyzed!"


toughlove.wav(163K) toughlove.mp3(74K) toughlove.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Lucius: "No, no, no!"
Cal: "Getting a little rough on him."
Lucius: "No, he needs to know!"
Cal: "Okay."
Lucius: "He's always crying!"
Cal: "Tough love, it is. Tough love. Wake up, idiot!"


whatmylifeis.wav(1567K) whatmylifeis.mp3(711K) whatmylifeis.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Lucius: "You are not paralyzed!"
Ricky: "I am so paralyzed!"
Lucius: "No, no, no!"
Cal: "Getting a little rough on him."
Lucius: "No, he needs to know!"
Cal: "Okay."
Lucius: "He's always crying!"
Cal: "Tough love, it is. Tough love. Wake up, idiot!"
Ricky: "You wanna know what I am?! You wanna see what my life is?!
Lucius: "Don't do it."
Ricky: "You wanna see what's going on here?"
Cal: "Don't you stick that knife in your leg."
Ricky: "(He sticks the knife in his leg) Awwwwww! Man! Ow!"
Cal: "Hold on, hold on."
Ricky: "Ow!"
Cal: "Hold on, now."
Ricky: "Ow, that hurts!"
Cal: "Walk it off."
Ricky: "Ow, my--!"
Cal: "Walk it off."
Lucius: "Stretch, stretch."
Ricky: "Ow!"
Lucius: "Stretch it out."
Cal: "Hey, man. You can walk!"
Ricky: "Whoo!"
Cal: "You can walk!"
Ricky: "I can walk!"
Cal: "You can walk!"
Ricky: "I think I touched a nerve."
Lucius: "Right there."
Ricky: "I think I got a nerve."
Lucius: "Alright, we got it, we got it! Hold it right there. Hold it right there."
Ricky: "Oh, wait. Maybe-- Maybe don't touch it."
Cal: "Can you feel it?"
Ricky: "I can! Ah!"
Lucius: "We'll use this knife to pry it out. We'll pull it out."
Cal: "Hold on, hold on."
Ricky: "Now we got two-- Now we got two in there."
Cal: "Hold on."
Lucius: "Just don't think about it."
Cal: "Cut around the meat."
Ricky: "We're going down a bad path."
Lucius: "Cut around the meat. Okay."
Cal: "Cut around--"
Lucius: "Stretch it out. Stretch it out."
Ricky: "Ow!"
Cal: "Just take out a plug of meat."
Ricky: "Whoo!"
Lucius: "Right there."
Cal: "Just like a deer."
Lucius: "We gotta wiggle it just a little bit. That's it. Can you feel that?"
Cal: "You can feel that."
Ricky: "Yeah, I feel that."
Lucius: "You are back!"
Ricky: "I love you guys!"


frenchycandrive.wav(31K) frenchycandrive.mp3(15K) frenchycandrive.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "Frenchy can drive."


weirdestlittlegirl.wav(106K) weirdestlittlegirl.mp3(49K) weirdestlittlegirl.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Carley: "Would you stop staring at me like that, Susan? I swear, you are the weirdest little girl I've ever seen."


openitup.wav(500K) openitup.mp3(228K) openitup.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Okay, I'm really gonna open it up! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I missed you, Mama Speed! Ricky Bobby's back!"
Larry Dennit, Jr.: "Wait. How-- How fast is he going?"
Lucius: "Uh, Twenty-six miles an hour."
Ricky: "What were those things?! Were those the other cars?! Oh, man! Oh, my-- Ahh!"


amionfire.wav(66K) amionfire.mp3(31K) amionfire.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Am I on fire?"
Cal: "No."
Ricky: "I'm on fire."
Cal: "No, you're not on fire."


theninjas.wav(82K) theninjas.mp3(38K) theninjas.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "The ninjas are trying to get me. The ninjas are trying to get me."


asteroidorcomet.wav(94K) asteroidorcomet.mp3(43K) asteroidorcomet.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "I feel like I was riding inside an asteroid or a comet or something."
Teammate: "Yeah, you were going fast."


cuckoobird.wav(37K) cuckoobird.mp3(18K) cuckoobird.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "I gotta go check on cuckoo bird."


leprechauntattoos.wav(109K) leprechauntattoos.mp3(50K) leprechauntattoos.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "We're getting married, Ricky. And we're getting matching leprechaun tattoos."


twochristmases.wav(105K) twochristmases.mp3(48K) twochristmases.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Are you asking me for a divorce?"
Walker and Texas Ranger: "Yay! Two Christmases!"


newnickname.wav(400K) newnickname.mp3(182K) newnickname.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Carley: "It's so good. It's so good."
Cal: "I got a new nickname. The Magic Man. Now you see me..."
Cal and Carley: "...now you don't."
Ricky: "That is the stupidest nickname I've ever heard."
Cal: "Is it, Ricky? Because I think you wish you thought of it."
Ricky: "Alright, you got me. That's an awesome nickname."


greatideas.wav(494K) greatideas.mp3(225K) greatideas.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "I've always had a lot of great ideas. I was thinking I might design a car that's in the shape of a rabbit. And it might poop out little real rabbits out the back that'll run around the track."
Ricky: "You have live rabbits being pooped out onto a track?"
Cal: "If I win, I might do a special thing with David Copperfield where he hides in my car in the passenger seat and he just flings magic stuff out the window."
Ricky: "Have you run any of this by NASCAR?"


bemybestman.wav(383K) bemybestman.mp3(174K) bemybestman.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "Watch the mail for that invitation to the wedding, because I want you there."
Ricky: "What?!"
Cal: "I know that there's some bad stuff happened just now, but in time-- Because the wedding's not gonna be for a couple of weeks."
Ricky: "Why would I want to come to your guy's wedding?"
Cal: "--you're gonna get over it and you're gonna be my best man."
Ricky: "I'm not gonna be your best man!"
Carley: "Baby, he's not gonna come to the wedding."


implications.wav(402K) implications.mp3(183K) implications.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Cal, do you realize the implications of your actions right now?"
Cal: "What's 'implication' mean?"
Ricky: "We are no longer friends."
Cal: "Why?"
Ricky: "What do you mean, 'Why'?! You're wrecking my life!"
Cal: "You just lost your wife. You just lost your job. Don't throw out your best friend because of your anger."


regretopeningmymouth.wav(697K) regretopeningmymouth.mp3(317K) regretopeningmymouth.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "I lost my license. That's why I'm on the bus. I'm delivering pizzas."
Passenger on Bus (John W. Love Jr.): "Motherbleeper, what makes you think I care? Shut the bleep up!"
Ricky: "I-- I was just telling you that 'cause, like I said, I lost my license. I've just been having a lot of problems lately."
Passenger on Bus: "Problems? I don't wanna hear about your damn problems. Everybody got problems. My mama got problems. She just lost her leg. My cousin Pookie just lost a testicle. My dog just threw up somebody's finger. That's a problem."
Ricky: "I really regret opening my mouth and talking to you."


thinkicare.wav(102K) thinkicare.mp3(47K) thinkicare.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Passenger on Bus (John W. Love Jr.): "Motherbleeper, what makes you think I care? Shut the bleep up!"


problems.wav(271K) problems.mp3(123K) problems.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Passenger on Bus: "Problems? I don't wanna hear about your damn problems. Everybody got problems. My mama got problems. She just lost her leg. My cousin Pookie just lost a testicle. My dog just threw up somebody's finger. That's a problem."


didthisgogood.wav(170K) didthisgogood.mp3(78K) didthisgogood.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Reese Bobby: "Son, did this go good?"
Ricky: "No!"
Reese Bobby: "Seems to me like it went pretty good."
Ricky: "You're not my dad."
Reese Bobby: "It got a little heated, but..."
Ricky: "Stop talking to me!"


nicelookingbike.wav(78K) nicelookingbike.mp3(36K) nicelookingbike.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Reese Bobby: "Hey, is that a Huffy? That's a nice-looking bike, boy."


smackedinthemouth.wav(179K) smackedinthemouth.mp3(82K) smackedinthemouth.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Walker: "Shut up in here! I'm trying to sleep!"
Texas Ranger: "One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!"
Ricky: "Hey, stop yelling at me, okay?"


potlicker.wav(103K) potlicker.mp3(48K) potlicker.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Texas Ranger: "What are you looking at, Popeye?"
Reese Bobby: "You shut up, you little pot-licker. I'll put you in a microwave."


aremygrandkids.wav(418K) aremygrandkids.mp3(190K) aremygrandkids.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Reese Bobby: "Now, you show me the DNA test and then maybe I'll, uh, I'll say hello to these swamp rats."
Frank (Frank Hoyt Taylor): "You people shut the hell up! I got a wife in an oxygen tent trying to sleep."
Reese Bobby: "You better shut up or I'll come over there and rip a hole in that tent!"
Lucy Bobby: "Yeah, shut up, Frank!"
Walker: "Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!"
Reese Bobby: "Okay, I guess they are my grandkids."


howmuch.wav(232K) howmuch.mp3(106K) howmuch.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Reese Bobby: "I'm 55 years old and all I got to my name is a car and a dufflebag full of underwear, and sweet, stinky weed."
Walker: "How much you selling that weed for, old man?"


professordickweed.wav(58K) professordickweed.mp3(27K) professordickweed.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Alright, professor Dickweed, what's the plan?"


cougarinthecar.wav(299K) cougarinthecar.mp3(136K) cougarinthecar.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "What the hell?! There's a goddamn cougar in the car!"
Reese Bobby: "I know there's a cougar in the car. I put it in there. You gotta learn to drive with the fear and there ain't nothing more goddamn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car."


deathmachine.wav(268K) deathmachine.mp3(122K) deathmachine.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Reese Bobby: "If you're calm, that wondrous big cat will be calm too. But if you're scared, that beautiful death machine will do what God made it to do, namely, eat you with a smile on it's face."


justlookingatyou.wav(370K) justlookingatyou.mp3(169K) justlookingatyou.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "God, he's just following me wherever I go."
Reese Bobby: "Well, he's just looking at you."
Ricky: "So you're saying if I just calm down, the cougar will be okay?"
Reese Bobby: "You got it."
Ricky: "Damn it. Okay."
Reese Bobby: "Come on, son. You can do it. Come on."
Ricky: "Oh, come on. Whoo."
Reese Bobby: "That's it."
Ricky: "Whoo!"


howditgo.wav(222K) howditgo.mp3(101K) howditgo.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Lucy Bobby: "Well, hey there, Ricky. How'd it go?"
Ricky: "Well, I was mauled by a cougar, learned nothing about driving and my Crystal Gayle shirt was ruined. But other than that, it went fine."


anarchy.wav(108K) anarchy.mp3(49K) anarchy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Walker: "Anarchy!"
Texas Ranger: "I don't even know what that means, but I love it!"


strepthroat.wav(313K) strepthroat.mp3(143K) strepthroat.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Hey, Derek, it's Ricky. Just wondering if you can, uh, ditch school and take over my shift at the pizza place because I got strep throat. And it's bad. I don't wanna give it to everyone else. So call me back. You know the number."


stillhateyou.wav(412K) stillhateyou.mp3(187K) stillhateyou.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Hello."
Cal: "Hey, man. How's it going? You wanna come over and party or something?"
Ricky: "Did you just say 'party'? You know what? No. Because I still hate you, okay?"
Cal: "What are you so mad about?"
Ricky: "What do you think I'm mad about?"
Cal: "Come on, man, that was last week. What about the time you ran over my leg with a car? I let that go that day."


inthehottub.wav(335K) inthehottub.mp3(153K) inthehottub.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Are you in the hot tub?"
Cal: "Answer me this: When you're in spa mode, how come the water level drops in the spa?"
Ricky: "Let me ask you this: Are you pressing the buttons in the back panel or in the kitchen?"
Cal: "I just started pressing stuff."
Ricky: "Hey, don't press all those buttons."


angerbridge.wav(484K) angerbridge.mp3(220K) angerbridge.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "I'm getting bored, man. You wanna come over and play G.I. Joes?"
Ricky: "I would love to. No! Come on. You know what? Screw you, man."
Cal: "Ricky, man, you gotta cross over the anger bridge and come back to the friendship shore."
Ricky: "'Cross over the anger bridge'?"
Cal: "Yeah, that's where you're at. You're stuck on the anger bridge."
Ricky: "Can you not see why I'm stuck on the anger bridge?"


inyourhouse.wav(636K) inyourhouse.mp3(289K) inyourhouse.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Look, I don't know why I'm talking to you, okay? What is it?"
Cal: "They got bottomless nachos at Bennigan's"
Ricky: "God, a whole mess of nachos sounds good right now. Shoot, you know, I don't have a car no more. Can you come get me?"
Cal: "Yeah, I'll come get you. Which one of your cars do you miss the most. I bring that one."
Ricky: "Well, I miss the Hummer."
Cal: "I'm coming in the Hummer. Are you ready?"
Ricky: "Yeah. No, wait. Okay, our friendship is done. Alright? You hear me?"
Cal: "You know you wanna hang out in your house. Come on."
Ricky: "Screw you, dude. I'm hanging up. Okay, that's it. Bye."


imhangingup.wav(76K) imhangingup.mp3(35K) imhangingup.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Screw you, dude. I'm hanging up. Okay, that's it. Bye."


borderlinereckless.wav(85K) borderlinereckless.mp3(39K) borderlinereckless.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Oh, man, this is absolutely crazy. I mean, this is borderline reckless."


thisblows.wav(70K) thisblows.mp3(33K) thisblows.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Texas Ranger: "I gotta tell you Granny, this blows."


howmuchmore.wav(128K) howmuchmore.mp3(59K) howmuchmore.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Walker: "How much more of this?"
Lucy Bobby: "I don't know. How many more times are you gonna toss me the radio in the bathtub?"


icantsleep.wav(2214K) icantsleep.mp3(1005K) icantsleep.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Hello?"
Cal: "Hey, man, you up?"
Ricky: "No."
Cal: "Wake up, I need to talk to you. I think your house is haunted."
Ricky: "Hey, come on. It's 2:30 in the morning."
Cal: "I can't sleep in here, man. I'm scared."
Ricky: "Look, there's nothing to be scared of. It's a new house, there's a lot of creeks and moans and groans in it."
Cal: "Whoa, put on-- You got your TV on?"
Ricky: "Well, yeah, I fell asleep with it on."
Cal: "Turn on channel 42."
Ricky: "Fourty-two?"
Cal: "Look at them buns."
Ricky: "Well, that is a set of buns."
Cal: "And down, and down, and-- What'-s she doing exercising at 2:30 in the morning?"
Ricky: "Oh, yeah, that's a really good point. Hey, I don't know why I'm talking to you. Do you remember that I hate you?"
Cal: "Hey, man, you know what I was thinking? You're lucky."
Ricky: "I'm lucky? How so?"
Cal: "Well, check it out. I'm sitting here in this enormous haunted mansion, can't sleep. And you're hanging out at your mom's. That's awesome."
Ricky: "That's like the opposite of awesome."
Cal: "Well, this is like a hotel room with someone else's junk in it."
Ricky: "Okay, yeah, well, that someone else's junk, that used to be my stuff."
Cal: "I'm just having a hard time, man. I'm just calling up for some support."
Ricky: "Do you-- Do you know how crazy that sounds?"
Cal: "Hey, one more thing."
Ricky: "Yeah?"
Cal: "When you have the stereo on at the same time as the TV, how do you control the volume on the TV?"
Ricky: "Why do you want to listen to the TV with the stereo on?"
Cal: "Because I like to party."
Ricky: "You know what, man? Why am I still talking to you?"
Cal: "Come on, we were just doing good there, man. I'm taking care of your house good."
Ricky: "I-- I keep snapping back into it. It's like a trick you're pulling on me."
Cal: "Alright, I'll talk to you tomorrow."
Ricky: "Alright, man, talk to you tomorrow."


houseishaunted.wav(951K) houseishaunted.mp3(432K) houseishaunted.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Hello?"
Cal: "Hey, man, you up?"
Ricky: "No."
Cal: "Wake up, I need to talk to you. I think your house is haunted."
Ricky: "Hey, come on. It's 2:30 in the morning."
Cal: "I can't sleep in here, man. I'm scared."
Ricky: "Look, there's nothing to be scared of. It's a new house, there's a lot of creeks and moans and groans in it."
Cal: "Whoa, put on-- You got your TV on?"
Ricky: "Well, yeah, I fell asleep with it on."
Cal: "Turn on channel 42."
Ricky: "Fourty-two?"
Cal: "Look at them buns."
Ricky: "Well, that is a set of buns."
Cal: "And down, and down, and-- What'-s she doing exercising at 2:30 in the morning?"
Ricky: "Oh, yeah, that's a really good point. Hey, I don't know why I'm talking to you. Do you remember that I hate you?"


yourelucky.wav(696K) yourelucky.mp3(316K) yourelucky.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "Hey, man, you know what I was thinking? You're lucky."
Ricky: "I'm lucky? How so?"
Cal: "Well, check it out. I'm sitting here in this enormous haunted mansion, can't sleep. And you're hanging out at your mom's. That's awesome."
Ricky: "That's like the opposite of awesome."
Cal: "Well, this is like a hotel room with someone else's junk in it."
Ricky: "Okay, yeah, well, that someone else's junk, that used to be my stuff."
Cal: "I'm just having a hard time, man. I'm just calling up for some support."
Ricky: "Do you-- Do you know how crazy that sounds?"


tvandstereo.wav(574K) tvandstereo.mp3(261K) tvandstereo.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "Hey, one more thing."
Ricky: "Yeah?"
Cal: "When you have the stereo on at the same time as the TV, how do you control the volume on the TV?"
Ricky: "Why do you want to listen to the TV with the stereo on?"
Cal: "Because I like to party."
Ricky: "You know what, man? Why am I still talking to you?"
Cal: "Come on, we were just doing good there, man. I'm taking care of your house good."
Ricky: "I-- I keep snapping back into it. It's like a trick you're pulling on me."
Cal: "Alright, I'll talk to you tomorrow."
Ricky: "Alright, man, talk to you tomorrow."


filledupthree.wav(442K) filledupthree.mp3(201K) filledupthree.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "(He gets doused by a pail of water) Oh!"
Reese Bobby: "Where'd stock-car racing come from?"
Ricky: "What? (He gets doused again) Hey, stop doing that!"
Reese Bobby: "How did stock-car racing get it's start?"
Ricky: "Uh, bootleggers in Prohibition, they had to have cars fast enough to outrun the Feds. Then they started racing each other."
Reese Bobby: "That's right. (He douses him again.)"
Ricky: "If I was right, why'd you throw another bucket on me?"
Reese Bobby: "Well, I filled up three."


fearorprison.wav(708K) fearorprison.mp3(322K) fearorprison.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Reese Bobby: "Now, there's nothing like driving to avoid jail. Nothing hones your mind and your instincts like necessity. So I taped a kilo of cocaine underneath the car and called the boys in blue. Now, the way I figure it, you got about two minutes before they show up and you do 5 to 10. So, what's it going to be? Fear or prison?"
Ricky: "Man, what the hell are you talking about?"
Reese Bobby: "Real simple, son! Cops are coming! There's a kilo of Colombian bam-bam under the car. Time to be a man. You got hair on your peaches or what?"


haironyourpeaches.wav(37K) haironyourpeaches.mp3(18K) haironyourpeaches.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Reese Bobby: "You got hair on your peaches or what?"


crazycreep.wav(37K) crazycreep.mp3(17K) crazycreep.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "You crazy creep!"


bettereidea.wav(344K) bettereidea.mp3(157K) bettereidea.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Walker: "Gradpa, would you like to take us fishing and teach us life lessons and stories about your childhood?"
Reese Bobby: "I got a better idea. Why don't you boys go dig a hole and I'll get another beer."
Texas Ranger: "Someone didn't love you enough when you were little, did they?"
Reese Bobby: "Good call."


sonofa.wav(92K) sonofa.mp3(42K) sonofa.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Son of a bitch, son of a bitch, son of a bitch. Whoo!"


onesixteen.wav(138K) onesixteen.mp3(64K) onesixteen.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "One-sixteen! I'm going fast again! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo!"


pullover.wav(223K) pullover.mp3(102K) pullover.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

State Patrol Officer: "Pull over! Pull over!"
Ricky: "Pull over? I'll pull over for you. How about this? (He slams on the brakes)"


prisonshank.wav(76K) prisonshank.mp3(35K) prisonshank.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Texas Ranger: "Oh, Nana, not my prison shank."
Lucy Bobby: "In the can."


drivingtest.wav(115K) drivingtest.mp3(53K) drivingtest.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Whoo! There's your motherflipping driving test!"


ghostmanger.wav(661K) ghostmanger.mp3(300K) ghostmanger.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Dear Lord baby Jesus, lying there in your little ghost manger, just looking at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learning about shapes and colors and-- We just have so much to be thankful for. Uh, first off, my sons no longer act like retarded gangbangers."
Lucy Bobby: "Amen."
Ricky: "Also, I got my balls back behind the wheel of a car. And most importantly we thank you for bringing back our nasty, delinquent, pot-dealing daddy to us. For he was lost, but now he is found. Amen."


withoutanger.wav(91K) withoutanger.mp3(42K) withoutanger.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Texas Ranger: "Grandfather, can't we resolve this conflict without anger?"


cobbsalad.wav(89K) cobbsalad.mp3(41K) cobbsalad.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Reese Bobby: "Applebee's has rats! I found a whole rat in my Cobb salad!"


comeonfratboy.wav(42K) comeonfratboy.mp3(20K) comeonfratboy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Reese Bobby: "Come on, frat-boy, you wanna go?!"


milliondollarquestion.wav(617K) milliondollarquestion.mp3(281K) milliondollarquestion.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "You came in and you said, 'If you ain't first, you're last.'"
Reese Bobby: "Oh, hell, Ricky, I was high when I said that. I mean, that doesn't make any sense at all. 'You're first or you're last' You-- You can be second, you can be third, fourth. Hell, you can even be fifth."
Ricky: "What are you talking about?! I-- I lived my whole life based on that. Well, now what the hell am I supposed to do?"
Reese Bobby: "Well, that's the million-dollar question, isn't it?"


twothings.wav(779K) twothings.mp3(354K) twothings.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Well, they want me to race at Talladega next weekend..."
Susan: "I know."
Ricky: "...but I'm not going to do it. Because I'm done. I'm done with racing, I'm done with driving."
Susan: "Why would you do that?"
Ricky: "Because I've really moved on. I've sent in my application to The Real World, so I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer, but not like a mean crack dealer, but like a, you know, like a nice one. Just kind of friendly, like, 'Hey, what's up guys? You want some crack? I'm just waiting on those two things to kind of flesh themselves out.'"


wantsomecrack.wav(317K) wantsomecrack.mp3(144K) wantsomecrack.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "I'm also thinking about getting a gun and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer, but not like a mean crack dealer, but like a, you know, like a nice one. Just kind of friendly, like, 'Hey, what's up guys? You want some crack'?"


wintogetlove.wav(638K) wintogetlove.mp3(290K) wintogetlove.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Well, you gotta listen to me here, okay? You gotta win to get love. Everyone knows that. I mean, that's just life. Look at-- Look at Don Shula, legendary coach. Look at, uh, that Asian guy who holds the world record for eating all those hot dogs in a row. Look at Rue McClanahan from The Golden Girls. All three people, all great champions, all loved."


shouldraceagian.wav(1545K) shouldraceagian.mp3(702K) shouldraceagian.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Susan: "Do you wanna know why I think that you should race again?"
Ricky: "Sure, why?"
Susan: "Okay. It's because it's what you love, Ricky. It is who you were born to be. And here you sit, thinking. Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver. He is a doer. And that's what you need to do. You don't need to think, you need to drive. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine. You need to fire it up and you need to grab hold of the line between speed and chaos and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra. And then, when that fear rises up in your belly, you use it and you know that fear is powerful because it has been there for billions of years! And it is good, and you use it, and you ride it. You ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell and then you win, Ricky! You win! And you don't win for anybody else, you win for you. You know why? Because a man takes what he wants, he takes it all. And you're a man, aren't you? Aren't you?!"
Ricky: "Susan, I've never heard you talk like that. Are we about to get it on? Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now."


whitesnakevideo.wav(880K) whitesnakevideo.mp3(400K) whitesnakevideo.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "This is awesome."
Susan: "Yes, it is."
Ricky: "Are you climbing on the table right now?"
Susan: "Yes, sir."
Ricky: "I can't believe this. This is like that Whitesnake video where the girl crawls on-- Yeah, just like that. What's her name?"
Susan: "Tawny Kitaen."
Ricky: "Yeah, Tawny Kitaen."
Susan: "She's really good. She's great."
Ricky: "She's fantastic. Everyone, turn away. Things are gonna get crazy. We're gonna make animal noises. (The make animal noises)"


pepboysthrewup.wav(321K) pepboysthrewup.mp3(146K) pepboysthrewup.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "I'm not going to say it's the best car in the world, but it's gonna move for us."
Lucious: "Well, now, hold on, now, baby. Let's just see what this thing's got under the hood first."
Ricky: "There she is."
Herschell: "Looks like the Pep Boys threw up."
Lucious: "Damn."
Ricky: "Like I said, work in progress."


giterdone.wav(20K) giterdone.mp3(10K) giterdone.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Mos Def (Himself): "Git 'r' done!"


breeze.wav(128K) breeze.mp3(59K) breeze.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Hey, you're Breeze or you're Breeze? Which one of you is Breeze?"
Breeze (Lindsay Decker and Shannon Keens): "Together we are Breeze."


liketwins.wav(922K) liketwins.mp3(419K) liketwins.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "They are like twins, born from different wombs."
Ricky: "Right."
Jean Girard: "They are God's most beautiful mistake."
Ricky: "Uh-huh."
Jean Girard: "They do everything together. Everything. They read the same books. They do Pilates together."
Ricky: "Uh-huh."
Jean Girard: "They walk, talk, sleep, even go make toilet."
Ricky: "Okay, you know, you're starting to creep me out, man."
Jean Girard: "A single plop."
Breeze: "One single plop."
Ricky: "I don't need to hear about them doing a toilet."
Jean Girard: "You want more examples?"
Ricky: "No, you listed like 8000."
Jean Girard: "Less than that."
Ricky: "Look, it's none of my business."
Jean Girard: "More like, I don't know, between five and ten."


holdinghands.wav(345K) holdinghands.mp3(157K) holdinghands.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Holding hands with a man makes me terribly uncomfortable."
Jean Girard: "It is a sign of friendship in many countries."
Ricky: "Well, not in ours."
Jean Girard: "There is nothing sexual about it. Please don't be worried at the fact I have an erection. It has nothing to do with you."
Ricky: "Hey, come on."


giantwaterparks.wav(198K) giantwaterparks.mp3(91K) giantwaterparks.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "Do you know why I came to America, Ricky Bobby?"
Ricky: "Public schools, health-care system, giant water parks. I mean, the same reason anyone comes to America."


thatisdumb.wav(448K) thatisdumb.mp3(204K) thatisdumb.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "My husband, Gregory and I, wish only for that which every other couple wishes for: To tame Komodo dragons in Sri Lanka and teach them to perform Hamlet. But before I can do that..."
Ricky: "That's dumb."
Jean Girard: "It's not dumb."
Ricky: "It is dumb."
Jean Girard: "Why is it dumb?"
Ricky: "I don't know."


katiecouric.wav(280K) katiecouric.mp3(128K) katiecouric.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "God needs the devil. The Beatles needed the Rolling Stones. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my Katie Couric?"


highlander.wav(361K) highlander.mp3(165K) highlander.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Wow, I feel like I'm in the Highlander."
Jean Girard: "What's the Highlander?"
Ricky: "It's a movie."
Jean Girard: "Any good?"
Ricky: "Very good. It won the Academy Award."
Jean Girard: "Oh, for what?"
Ricky: "For best movie ever made."


tomorrowwillbewar.wav(184K) tomorrowwillbewar.mp3(130K) tomorrowwillbewar.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "May God be with you."
Ricky: "Yeah."
Jean Girard: "Because although today I am friendly, tomorrow will be war!"
Ricky: "Alright."


weirdandperverse.wav(131K) weirdandperverse.mp3(60K) weirdandperverse.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "I appreciate it, guys. Just trying to help out, even though it was weird and perverse."


youwreckedit.wav(105K) youwreckedit.mp3(48K) youwreckedit.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Okay, Glenn, everything cool that Susan said, you wrecked it."


yourtactics.wav(736K) yourtactics.mp3(335K) yourtactics.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "So get ready for some tricks up these sleeves, alright? Watch your buns, pal."
Carley: "Baby, that is real good at talk. Like we practiced last night."
Ricky: "I got something to tell you, you mangy piece of trash."
Cal: "What?"
Ricky: "I'm sorry. I took you for granted, Cal, and you were a really good friend to me and I never really gave you your due. It was my fault."
Cal: "I'll tell you the truth. I'm a little confused by your tactics."
Ricky: "Tactics?"
Cal: "Yeah, I'm gonna keep acting tough until I figure it out. Alright? So, Wha-- See you on the track."


abracadabrahomes.wav(29K) abracadabrahomes.mp3(14K) abracadabrahomes.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "Abracadabra, Homes."


likeapretzel.wav(288K) likeapretzel.mp3(131K) likeapretzel.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "If you slept with your best friend's wife, why would he apologize to you?"
Jarvis (Jack Blessing): "Yeah, I know. That's weird."
Cal: "That's what I'm saying. My head's all tied up like a pretzel. I got a pretzel in my head!"


massiveprick.wav(220K) massiveprick.mp3(100K) massiveprick.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "Where are you, Ricky Bobby? Come face your destroyer! 'Come face your destroyer'? Listen to how I sound. I sound like a massive prick."


letthecougarloose.wav(60K) letthecougarloose.mp3(28K) letthecougarloose.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Time to let the cougar loose."


subconsciously.wav(271K) subconsciously.mp3(174K) subconsciously.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jarvis: "Maybe subconsciously you-- you slept with Ricky's wife as a way of, you know, getting back at him for making you come in second all those years."
Cal: "I-- I know one thing, Carley was definitely unconscious every time we had sex."


passingyou.wav(183K) passingyou.mp3(84K) passingyou.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jarvis: "Hey, Cal, you should pay attention. I think he's passing you."
Cal: "Is Ricky passing me in my subconscious?"
Jarvis: "No, he's actually passing you. That's happening right now."


damnthetorpedoes.wav(136K) damnthetorpedoes.mp3(62K) damnthetorpedoes.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "Damn the torpedos! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Whoo-hoo-hoo!"


slingshotit.wav(270K) slingshotit.mp3(123K) slingshotit.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "Come on, man, slingshot it. Sling shot, come on."
Ricky: "I can't believe it. If it isn't Mike Honcho himself. Shake and Bake, buddy!"
Cal: "Shake it before you bake it."


thematador.wav(105K) thematador.mp3(48K) thematador.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "And now the matador shall dance with the blind shoemaker."


thehighlander.wav(121K) thehighlander.mp3(55K) thehighlander.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "By the way, Ricky, I watched the Highlander movie. It was shit."


gonnagetbumpy.wav(60K) gonnagetbumpy.mp3(28K) gonnagetbumpy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Hang on, baby Jesus, this is gonna get bumpy."


tasteofamerica.wav(151K) tasteofamerica.mp3(69K) tasteofamerica.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Jean Girard: "Sir, you taste of America."
Ricky: "Thank you."


intheface.wav(239K) intheface.mp3(109K) intheface.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Cal, you're number one!"
Cal: "Hey, I've been waiting a long time for you to say my name, man. I know it's a technicality, but I tell you what, you try to take this away from me, I'll so-- I'll sock you straight in the face."


tractorbeamofhotness.wav(217K) tractorbeamofhotness.mp3(99K) tractorbeamofhotness.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "I owe you an apology."
Ricky: "Come on."
Cal: "Man, I'm sorry about Carley. She walked straight up to me and grabbed me in the crotch."
Ricky: "Yeah, it's like a tractor beam of hotness."
Cal: "I know."


eldiablo.wav(484K) eldiablo.mp3(220K) eldiablo.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "From now on, it's Magic man and El Diablo."
Cal: "What's-- What's 'Diablo' mean?"
Ricky: "It's like, you know-- It's like Spanish for, like, a fighting chicken."
Cal: "That's awesome."
Ricky: "I know."
Cal: "With the claws."
Ricky: "With the claws and the beak."
Cal: "That's-- Where'd you think of that?"
Ricky: "You just-- Sometimes things click."


pearlsofdelight.wav(167K) pearlsofdelight.mp3(77K) pearlsofdelight.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Carley: "Are you prepared to walk away from these pearls of delight?"


herchest.wav(323K) herchest.mp3(147K) herchest.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Can I just have a little refresher?"
Carley: "Of course, baby. (She flashes him her chest)"
Ricky: "Ahhhhh!"
Carley: "This is why you fell in love with me. Don't forget that."
Ricky: "Yeah, I'm in. I'm moving in right now."
Carley: "Let's go."
Ricky: "I'm gonna drive a hundred miles an hour to your house. I'm gonna move in."
Carley: "Our house."
Ricky: "Our house, yeah."
Carley: "Our house."
Ricky: "No, I'm not. Come on."


arethosereal.wav(374K) arethosereal.mp3(170K) arethosereal.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Susan: "Carley, come back here."
Carley: "Yes, Susie Q?"
Susan: "There's something I've been wanting to tell you for a really long time. (She flashes her chest to Carley)"
Herschell: "(Snaps a picture) Thank you. Maybe one together?"
Carley: "Susie Q, are those real?"
Susan: "Yeah."
Carley: "Well, girl, you got some game."


wehadsex.wav(135K) wehadsex.mp3(62K) wehadsex.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Susan: "Hi, I'm his lady, I'm Susan. I painted the car, I-- We had sex."


sonwblindness.wav(260K) sonwblindness.mp3(119K) sonwblindness.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Hey, I'm Ricky Bobby."
Cal: "And I'm Cal Naughton Jr."
Ricky: "We just want to take a moment to talk to you about snow blindness in cats. It's affecting more and more cats every year. And it scares the living shit out of us."


mccreedys.wav(563K) mccreedys.mp3(256K) mccreedys.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "Ninty-eight percent of us will die at some point in our lives."
Cal: "The darkness is creeping towards you, whether you know it or not."
Ricky: "So a little planning can go a long way."
Cal: "Listen, leaving your big old corpse behind for your loved ones to deal with ain't cool. That's why you should call McCreedy Funeral Service."
Ricky: "McCreedy's. They'll find the hole and build the box."
Cal: "Bodies that look so good, you're gonna wanna talk to it."


packsofwilddogs.wav(368K) packsofwilddogs.mp3(168K) packsofwilddogs.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "We like to have a lot of laughs on the racetrack, but today we wanna talk about something serious: Packs of stray dogs that control most of the major cities. That's packs of wild, vicious dogs that are controlling most of--"
Cal: "Sorry."


picturejesusouttakes.wav(695K) picturejesusouttakes.mp3(316K) picturejesusouttakes.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "I like to picture Jesus like a mischievous badger-- Like a muscular trapeze artist-- Like a shapeshifter or a changeling, like that guy, you ever hear of that tv show Manimal? I like to think of Jesus as a figure skater who wears, like, a white outfit and he does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey. Like a dirty old bum. And he comes up to me, I'm about to sock him one because he's a dirty old bum. Than I said, 'Wait a minute, I better not sock this guy. Something's special about him'"
Ricky: "And it turns out it's Jesus."
Cal: "Yeah."


knifeouttakes.wav(623K) knifeouttakes.mp3(283K) knifeouttakes.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "One, two..."
Ricky: "Oh, not, again, again! No go. NO go!"
Cal: "It's stuck. It's stuck."
Ricky: "We got two knives in my leg."
Lucious: "I know, but one is a safty knife. It's just safty. It's coming out. It's coming out!"
Ricky: "I'm choking on my own spit. It hurts so bad, I'm choking on my own spit."
Lucious: "Concentrate."
Ricky: "Good night, guys. I'm loosing a lot of blood."
Lucious: "Just relax, man."
Ricky: "Good night."
Cal: "Ricky!"
Ricky: "Hmm?"
Cal: "Wake--"


donnasummers.wav(511K) donnasummers.mp3(232K) donnasummers.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Lucious: "Sometimes, when it's late at night, I dress up like Donna Summers. You know, I put on the skirt and the four-inch heels, man. I love it. (singing) Last chance, romance, for love."


signmyballs.wav(193K) signmyballs.mp3(88K) signmyballs.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Ricky: "I would be honored if you would let me, uh, sign your cast."
Jean Girard: "And I would be honored if you'd sign my balls."
Carley: "Oh, baby, that is a good one."
Ricky: "Hey, hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?"


wakemeup.wav(238K) wakemeup.mp3(109K) wakemeup.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Cal: "(singing) Wake me up before you go go. Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo. Wake me up before you go go go. Take me dancing tonight."


moralambiguity.wav(637K) moralambiguity.mp3(290K) moralambiguity.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Lucy Bobby: "So what do you think that story was about?"
Texas Ranger: "Doesn't the bear symbolize the old South and the new dog, the encroaching industrialization of the North?"
Walker: "Duh. But, the question is, should the reader feel relief or sadness at the passing of the old South?"
Lucy Bobby: "Well, how about both?"
Walker: "Oh, I get it. Moral ambiguity. The hallmark of all early 20th-century American fiction."
Texas Ranger: "Great analysis, Walker."
Walker: "Thank you."

 
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