Movie Quotes - Movie Sounds - Movie Wavs
 


 

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All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 22Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).


salmon.wav(110K) salmon.mp3(51K) salmon.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan Huff (Will Ferrell): "I didn't want salmon! I said it four times!"


callhimdad.wav(393K) callhimdad.mp3(179K) callhimdad.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "I'm not gonna call him dad."
Nancy Huff (Mary Steenburgen): "Brennan, you're 39 years old. I would not expect you to call him Dad."
Brennan: "Well, I'm not going to, ever, even if there's a fire! Robert better not get in my face... because I'll drop that motherbleeper"


options.wav(227K) options.mp3(104K) options.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "I'm just saying, I think you gotta think about your options. I know that you are technically married now, but that does not mean that they have to live here."


weremen.wav(435K) weremen.mp3(198K) weremen.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale Doback (John C. Reilly): "Dad, we're men, okay? That means a few things. We like to shit with tho door open. We talk about pussy. We go on riverboat-gambling trips. We make our own beef jerky. That's what we do. And now that is all wrecked."
Dr. Robert Doback (Richard Jenkins): "We literally have never done any of those things."


johnshopkins.wav(525K) johnshopkins.mp3(239K) johnshopkins.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Where did he go to medical school?"
Nancy: "He went to Northwestern an Johns Hopkins. Is that good enough for you?"
Brennan: "No, it's not."
Nancy: "Well, Brennan, those are very prestigious schools."
Brennan: "I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins."
Nancy: "You don't know anyone named Johnny Hopkins."
Brennan: "It was Johnny Hopkins and Sloan Kettering and they were blazing that shit up every day."




scenario.wav(584K) scenario.mp3(265K) scenario.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Alright, here's a scenario for you, Dad. Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good. I've got a luscious V of hair going from my chest pubes down to my ball-fro. And she takes one look at me, and she goes: 'Oh, my god. I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf.' And she grabs me by the wiener..."
Robert: "Shut the bleep up!"


righthand.wav(276K) righthand.mp3(126K) righthand.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Nancy: "Hi, Dale."
Dale: "Hey, Nancy. Could you make me a grilled-cheese sandwich?"
Nancy: "Sure."
Robert: "No. Dale just ate. He's testing you to see how much he can get away with?"
Nancy: "I see."
Dale: "I'm hungry."
Robert: "Look in your right hand. (He has a donut in his right hand)"


havetocallme.wav(282K) havetocallme.mp3(129K) havetocallme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Hey."
Dale: "Hey."
Brennan: "I'm Brennan."
Dale: "I'm Dale. But you have to call me Dragon."
Brennan: "You have to call me Nighthawk."


kungfu.wav(501K) kungfu.mp3(228K) kungfu.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Nancy: "Dale was telling me that he's really into kung fu and I was telling him that you're really into kung fu as well."
Brennan: "I have a green belt. Read it and weep."
Dale: "I don't believe in belts. There should be no ranking system for toughness. But one time I wrestled a giraffe to the ground with by bare hands."
Robert: "That's not true, Dale. Don't be ridiculous."


fantasyleague.wav(250K) fantasyleague.mp3(114K) fantasyleague.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Nancy: "So, Dale, what have you been working on recently?"
Dale: "Well, I manage a baseball team."
Nancy: "Little league?"
Dale: "Fantasy league."


icansingtoo.wav(352K) icansingtoo.mp3(160K) icansingtoo.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "I can sing too. In fact I'll sing right now. (singing) If you wanna get down on these hairy balls..."
Robert: "Hey."
Dale: "...Why don't you jump right in?..."
Robert: "Hey!"
Dale: "...It's a crotch party right up in here..."
Robert: "Stop it!"
Dale: "...Why don't you lick on this big joint?"
Robert: "Stop it, Dale! Stop it! Stop it!"


sofunny.wav(108K) sofunny.mp3(50K) sofunny.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Ha, ha. That's so funny, the last time I head that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur."


thetour.wav(993K) thetour.mp3(451K) thetour.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "If there's any foods that you like, I suggest you put your name on them, or they will be thrown out... by me. Uh, house was built in 1825 by General Custer. I wanna show you this room. Um, hold up. Ho, ho! You see this room?"
Brennan: "Yeah."
Dale: "Okay, here's the deal. This is my office and my beat laboratory. Okay? And this is the one rule of the house: Don't ever, ever, ever... touch my drum set. You understand?"
Brennan: "Don't go in there and..."
Dale: "No touching!"
Brennan: "Alright!"
Dale: "There. I was about six there. You don't want to see me go to ten. Get your shit. We're going to my room."


myhousenow.wav(988K) myhousenow.mp3(449K) myhousenow.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learned doctors."
Brennan: "You're not a doctor. You're a big, fat, curly-headed bleep."
Dale: "Oh, yeah?"
Brennan: "Yeah."
Dale: "I'm a curly-headed bleep?"
Brennan: "Yeah. You better not go to sleep. As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna punch you square in the face."
Dale: "I hope you stay still when you sleep, because I'm putting a rat trap between your legs."
Brennan: "I'm gonna take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you."
Dale: "I want you out of my bleeping house."
Brennan: "No way, kemosabe, this is my house now."


fudale.wav(68K) fudale.mp3(32K) fudale.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Bleep you, Dale! Bleep you!"


touchmydrumset.wav(1393K) touchmydrumset.mp3(632K) touchmydrumset.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Hey, man. Did you touch my drum set?"
Brennan: "Nope."
Dale: "It's just weird 'cause seems like someone definitely touched my drum set."
Brennan: "Yeah, that is weird. Because I didn't touch 'em."
Dale: "Hey! Did you touch my drum set?!"
Brennan: "Hey, knock it off!"
Dale: "I know you touched my drumstick, because the left one has a chip in it."
Brennan: "You bleeping crazy, man? You sound insane, do you realize that? You should be medicated."
Dale: "Bleep you , Brennan. I know you touched my drum set. And I wanna hear that dirty little mouth admit it."
Brennan: "You get out of my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass."
Dale: "You swear on your mom's life that you didn't touch it then!"
Brennan: "I don't have to swear to shit!"
Dale: "That's 'cause you bleeping touched my drum set, 'cause I know Cops doesn't start till 4. Where you going?"
Brennan: "I'm going upstairs. Because I'm gonna put my nut sack on your drum set. Okay?"
Dale: "Don't do that. I am warning you right now: If you touch my drums, I will stab you in the neck with a knife!"


intheneck.wav(329K) intheneck.mp3(150K) intheneck.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Where you going?"
Brennan: "I'm going upstairs. Because I'm gonna put my nut sack on your drum set. Okay?"
Dale: "Don't do that. I am warning you right now: If you touch my drums, I will stab you in the neck with a knife!"


makesyougay.wav(183K) makesyougay.mp3(84K) makesyougay.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "You're drum set's a whore! I teabagged your bleeping drum set!"
Dale: "Well, my drum ste's a guy, so that makes you gay, you bleeper!"


whatthe.wav(42K) whatthe.mp3(20K) whatthe.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Nancy: "What the bleeping bleep!"


notaraper.wav(424K) notaraper.mp3(193K) notaraper.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Nancy: "Today I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon. You yelled 'rape' at the top of your lungs."
Brennan: "Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes. And at one point he said, 'Let's get it on.'"
Dale: "That was about the fighting. I am so not a raper."


testicles.wav(204K) testicles.mp3(93K) testicles.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Look, I didn't touch your drum set, okay?"
Dale: "I witnessed with my own eyes your testicles touching my drum set."
Robert: "Alright that's it! That's it!"


notelevision.wav(506K) notelevision.mp3(230K) notelevision.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Robert: "Alright that's it! That's it! You two guys leave me no choice. No television for a week."
Dale and Brennan: "What?!"
Nancy: "We are so serious, guys."
Brennan: "You're bleeping high!"
Dale: "Are you out of your mind?"
Nancy: "This goes in Robert's wall safe..."
Brennan: "Come on!"
Nancy: "...and it's gonna stay there."
Dale: "No!"
Robert: "Okay."
Brennan: "This house is a bleeping prison!"
Dale: "On Planet Bullshit!"
Brennan: "In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!"


prison.wav(150K) prison.mp3(69K) prison.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "This house is a bleeping prison!"
Dale: "On Planet Bullshit!"
Brennan: "In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!"


dreams.wav(251K) dreams.mp3(114K) dreams.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Nancy: "Guys. Guys! Guys!"
Brennan: "I'll kill you , Leonard Nimoy."
Dale: "The clown has no penis."
Nancy: "What kind of dreams are you guys having?"


timemachine.wav(229K) timemachine.mp3(105K) timemachine.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "You know what? I still hate you but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags."
Dale: "Yeah, I got 'em from the '70s, '80s and '90s. It's like masturbating in a time machine."


butthole.wav(155K) butthole.mp3(71K) butthole.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Hey, Derek, you know what's always good for shoulder pain?"
Derek Huff (Adam Scott): "What?"
Brennan: "If you lick my butthole."
Dale: "Snap!"


pleasure.wav(477K) pleasure.mp3(217K) pleasure.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alice Huff (Kathryn Hahn): "Hi, I'm Alice, I'm Derek's wife."
Dale: "Hi."
Alice: "Uh, is it true that you struck Derek in the face and he fell from the tree house?"
Dale: "Yeah. He asked me to."
Alice: "Oh, that's the most amazing thing I've ever heard. Um, I want you to know that tonight am gonna pleasure myself to the image of you doing that to Derek. You know what I mean? Masturbate. I am."


littleball.wav(720K) littleball.mp3(327K) littleball.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alice: "Oh, Dale. You are something. You are something."
Dale: "You're something too."
Alice: "I wanna roll you up into a little ball and shove you up my vagina. You could just live there. It's warm and it's cozy."
Dale: "In your vagina?"
Alice: "I wanna walk around with you in there and just know that whenever I feel a little tickle or scratch that it's just your hair up my vagina. Please, just do it for me."
Dale: "What's happening?"


randyjackson.wav(470K) randyjackson.mp3(214K) randyjackson.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Whoa."
Brennan: "See that black smudge right there on the blade?"
Dale: "Yeah."
Brennan: "Look at it closely. Pretty recognizable signature."
Dale: "No."
Brennan: "Randy Jackson from American Idol."
Dale: "Why do you have Randy Jackson's autograph on a martial-arts weapon?"
Brennan: "'Cause I bumped into him and all I had on me was this samurai sword and you're not gonna not get Randy Jackson's autograph, Right?"
Dale: "I would've done the exact same thing."


nightvision.wav(242K) nightvision.mp3(111K) nightvision.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Industrial-strength night-vision goggles."
Brennan: "Holy Santa Clause shit. Can you imagine if we had these when we were 12?"
Dale: "Even better. We got them when we're 40."


santa.wav(48K) santa.mp3(23K) santa.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Holy Santa Clause shit."


playagame.wav(595K) playagame.mp3(271K) playagame.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Let's play a game, alright? On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don't even think about it, just name it. Ready? One, two three..."
Both: "Velociraptor."
Brennan: "Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to."
Both: "Good Housekeeping."
Brennan: "If you were a chick, who's the one guy you'd sleep with?"
Both: "John Stamos."
Dale: "What?!"
Brennan: "Did we just become best friends?"
Dale: "Yep!"
Brennan: "Do you wanna go do karate in the garage?"
Dale: "Yup!"


bunkbeds.wav(1382K) bunkbeds.mp3(627K) bunkbeds.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Is this a bad time?"
Robert: "What the hell's going on?"
Brennan: "Mom, Mr. Doback, okay, Dale and I were just---"
Robert: "Please stop calling me Mr. Doback. Okay?"
Brennan: "Sorry. Okay, Mom, Doback... We think it would be very prudent--"
Dale: "Can we turn our beds into bunk beds? "
Brennan: "Yes."
Nancy: "Why are you guys so sweaty?"
Dale: "Alright, we've already figured out how. The beds match up perfectly."
Brennan: "And here's the thing. It'll give us so much extra space in our room to do activities."
Dale: "Please say yes."
Robert: "You don't need permission from us to build bunk beds. You're adults. You can do what you want."
Dale: "So...?"
Robert: "I'm not making myself clear. I don't give a bleep. Now, you both have several interviews tomorrow. I would think you'd be focused on that and not building bunk beds."
Dale and Bnennan: "So...?"
Brennan: "We can? No?"
Nancy: "Yes."
Brennan: "Sweet!"
Nancy: "Yes, you can build bunk beds."
Dale: "I knew it."
Brennan: "Okay. You are not gonna regret this. We're gonna get so much more activities done."
Dale: "This is the funnest night ever! Huh, ha, ha!"
Brennan: "Huh, huh, ha!"


itssobad.wav(211K) itssobad.mp3(96K) itssobad.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Dad, Nancy, it's bad. It's so bad. There's blood everywhere. Those bunk beds were a terrible idea. Why'd you let us do that? It's so bad!"


ready.wav(149K) ready.mp3(68K) ready.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Office Woman: "Mr. Huff, Mr. Jeener is ready for your interview."
Brennan: "Actually, we'll be interviewing as a team."
Dale: "We're here to bleep shit up."


werehere.wav(29K) werehere.mp3(14K) werehere.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "We're here to bleep shit up."


cannon.wav(147K) cannon.mp3(67K) cannon.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Okay, here's a shot out of a cannon: Opraha, Barbara Walters, your wife, you gotta bleep one, marry one, kill one. Go!"


references.wav(244K) references.mp3(111K) references.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Interviewer: "Mr. Huff, under your references, you listed Dale Doback. Which I know is this gentlemean, but you also listed 'Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.'"
Brennan: "Yeah."
Interviewer: "Okay, we are looking for people we can contact."


lightning.wav(166K) lightning.mp3(76K) lightning.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "That sounds so cool. I feel like a lightning bolt hit the tip of my penis."
Dale: "Yeah. Yeah."


haunted.wav(136K) haunted.mp3(62K) haunted.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "What was he doing here?"
Robert: "We're putting tho house on the market."
Dale: "Where are we moving to?"
Brennan: "Is the house haunted?"


holdon.wav(194K) holdon.mp3(89K) holdon.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Hold on. We're not going on the boat, Derek's selling the house, we have to go to therapy?"
Robert: "Yeah."
Brennan: "What the bleep happened?"
Robert: "Hey!"


whathappened.wav(48K) whathappened.mp3(22K) whathappened.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "What the bleep happened?"
Robert: "Hey!"


iloveyou.wav(197K) iloveyou.mp3(90K) iloveyou.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Robert: "I know it seems hard, but it's the best thing for both of you. We do it because we love you."
Dale: "Dad, I'm doing this because I love you: Bleep you."


talkabout.wav(1044K) talkabout.mp3(474K) talkabout.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "(A short clip of "Something To Talk About" performed a capella by Will Ferrell written by Shirley Eikhard)"


yourvoice.wav(319K) yourvoice.mp3(146K) yourvoice.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "You gotta know, I'm not just some guy. Brennan, that is the voice of an angel. Brennan, I can't even make eye contact with you right now. Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus."


soundweird.wav(262K) soundweird.mp3(120K) soundweird.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "This is gonna sound weird, but for a second, I think you took on the shape of a unicorn."
Brennan: "I felt like I was hovering above my own body watching myself sing."


moveon.wav(43K) moveon.mp3(20K) moveon.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Now, let's move on to other business."


sprechensiedick.wav(59K) sprechensiedick.mp3(28K) sprechensiedick.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Hey, Derek, Sprechen sie dick."


goodwillhunting.wav(579K) goodwillhunting.mp3(264K) goodwillhunting.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Male Therapist (Ian Roberts): "Dale, I don't know how much you know about therapy but it usually starts by you telling me a little something about yourself."
Dale: "I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I'm smarter than most of the people that go there. Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard, like half an equation, and I'll just figure it out."
Male Therapist: "Is this Good Will Hunting?"
Dale: "No."
Male Therapist: "It sounds a lot like the plot of Good Will Hunting."
Dale: "Yeah, anyway. My best friend is Ben Affleck..."


feelings.wav(933K) feelings.mp3(451K) feelings.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Therapist Denise (Andre Savage): "So I thought we'd begin talking about your parents' divorce."
Brennan: "Okay."
Denise: "How old were you when they got divorced?"
Brennan: "Fifteen."
Denise: "That's a hard age."
Brennan: "Yes. Yeah."
Denise: "Do you wanna talk about some of those feelings?"
Brennan: "I love you."
Denise: "Obviously you don't know me."
Brennan: "I love you so much."
Denise: "Thank you. And I will take that as a feeling that you have of comfortability with me."
Brennan: "It's more than comfortability. I mean, I bleeping love you."
Denise: "Okay. I th--"
Brennan: "I'm just thinking about our life together. I feel like I'm walking on a cloud. My penis is tingling right now."
Denise: "That is so off-putting."
Brennan: "You're not feeling this?"
Denise: "In no way, shape or form, do I feel any feelings of intimacy towards you in any way whatsoever."


eat.wav(24K) eat.mp3(12K) eat.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Eat shit, Derek."


no.wav(106K) no.mp3(49K) no.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alice: "Hi, my name is Jim. Wanna suck my dick for money?"
Dale: "No!"
Alice: "It's just me."


bashful.wav(1051K) bashful.mp3(477K) bashful.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alice: "Listen, I'm sick of being all coy and bashful, Dare. Okay?"
Dale: "We're in the bathroom."
Alice: "This'll just take a minute. There's really little you can do about it. Let me just hop on."
Dale: "Ah! It's all slippery."
Alice: "Ah! Ah, oh, my god! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!"
Dale: "It's getting tingly. Something's gonna happen, Alice! Ah! Uh!"
Alice: "Ah! Uh! Oh, we just had sex. Just the way I imagined it."
Dale: "I like you."
Alice: "I love you. Stay golden, Ponyboy. I gotta pee."
Dale: "Oh, my god. You're incredible."


boatsnhos.wav(779K) boatsnhos.mp3(354K) boatsnhos.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan and Dale: "(A short clip of "Boats 'n' Hos" Performed by Will Ferrel and John C. Reilly)"


jagaloons.wav(602K) jagaloons.mp3(274K) jagaloons.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Robert: "You jagaloons! You're failures! Failures!"
Brennan: "Hey, you're embarassing yourself, you geriatric bleep!"
Nancy "Brennan."
Brennan: "Two things: You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother. She's a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000."
Nancy: "Oh, stop it. Stop it right--"
Brennan: "Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass..."
Nancy: "Brennan!"
Brennan: "...you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!"


embarassing.wav(71K) embarassing.mp3(33K) embarassing.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "And you're embarassing yourself, you geriatric bleep!"


shesasaint.wav(92K) shesasaint.mp3(42K) shesasaint.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother. She's a saint!"


smallintestine.wav(272K) smallintestine.mp3(133K) smallintestine.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "You sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000."
Nancy: "Oh, stop it. Stop it right--"
Brennan: "Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass..."
Nancy: "Brennan!"
Brennan: "...you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!"


shit.wav(24K) shit.mp3(11K) shit.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Shit!"


rascal.wav(235K) rascal.mp3(107K) rascal.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Nancy: "Oh, and, Brennan? Denise called and said she can't go out with you on New Year's Eve because she's not your girlfriend, she's your therapist."
Brennan: "Is' that what she said?"
Nancy: "Yeah."
Brennan: "She's a rascal."


illegal.wav(124K) illegal.mp3(57K) illegal.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alice: "I couldn't eat another bite of turkey without thinking of you inside of me. Come on, let's try something illegal."


crushedsoul.wav(94K) crushedsoul.mp3(43K) crushedsoul.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Robert: "Wanna know what I got for Christmas? Hmm? A crushed soul."


earlier.wav(114K) earlier.mp3(52K) earlier.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Robert: "Hey, Tiffany. Wanna know what I got? A crushed soul."
Tiffany Huff (Elizabeth Yozamp): "You mentioned that earlier."


divorce.wav(492K) divorce.mp3(224K) divorce.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "What is this? What's happening?"
Nancy: "What Robert is trying to say is that we are getting a divorce."
Brennan: "Don't do this."
Dale: "No, no!"
Derek: "I gotta say, I could've called this one."
Dale: "No."
Derek: "Yeah."
Brennan: "Is it our fault?"
Dale: "Is it 'cause we were bad?"
Nancy: "Now-- Now, The main thing that Robert and I talked about is that we did not want you two to blame yourselves."
Dale: "What can we do to fix it?"


fault.wav(835K) fault.mp3(379K) fault.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Nancy: "I cannot stress this enough: It is not your fault."
Dale: "Whose fault is it? I will-- Bleep-- I wanna bleeping know!"
Robert: "Let's cut the shit. It is-- It is directly your fault."
Nancy: "Robert."
Robert: "You destroyed my boat. You beat me up in your sleep. And worst of all, you made Nancy and I resent each other. It is absolutely 150 percent your fault!"
Derek: "Of course it's their fault. They're the two biggest dickheads in the world, and they're living in your house."
Nancy: "Shut up, Derek."
Derek: "I'm sorry, but that--"
Nancy: "(Brennan starts crying) Please don't cry like that. Please don't, Brennan. (Now Dale starts crying as well)"


coldcase.wav(2858K) coldcase.mp3(1297K) coldcase.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "It's just like Cold Case Files. It's just like Cold Case Files. It's just like Cold Case Files. People die everyday. Give him a proper burial in an unmarked grave. Ah! Brennan! You're alive! Oh, my god."
Brennan: "I know. I'm alive. (He hits dale in the head with the shovel)"
Dale: "You were dead. I saw you die!"
Brennan: "I was faking. I used ninja focus to slow my heart rate down."
Dale: "What are you doing? "
Brennan: "I'm burying you."
Dale: "I'm alive, Brennan, I'm alive."
Brennan: "You're waking the neighbors, shut up!"
Dale: "No, no!"
Brennan: "Now I'm gonna play your drums set."
Dale: "Help me."
Brennan: "Close your eyes. Let the dirt just shower over you. This is your fault. Oh, I'm exhausted. I'm gonna sleep good tonight."
Dale: "Don't you touch my drums!"
Brennan: "Zombie! Zombie! Zombie!"


jobhistory.wav(232K) jobhistory.mp3(106K) jobhistory.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Employment Agent (Ken Jeong): "I notice that there's a long gap in your job history and it said for 22 years you went Kerouac on everyone's ass?"


needajob.wav(253K) needajob.mp3(116K) needajob.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Look, I'm gonna be honest with you. I really need a job. And I will take any position, as long as it doesn't involve having sex with old ladies for money or bear traps. Those are my two bugaboos."


bugaboos.wav(35K) bugaboos.mp3(17K) bugaboos.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Those are my two bugaboos."


yourface.wav(584K) yourface.mp3(266K) yourface.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Randy (Rob Riggle): "Goddamnit, I don't know what it is about your face, but I wanna deliver one of these right in your suck hole."
Brennan: "Is there anything I can do to work on that?"
Randy: "No, not really. It's your face. And I, again, you know, you're doing great, man. This is the Catalina Wine Mixer. We're all having a great time. Everybody's having fun. You pulled it off. Alright? But if you don't change your face, I'm gonna change it for you."
Brennan: "Okay, okay. All I can do is take that in, consider it, and I'll just try to do my best version of whatever I think that would be."
Randy: "I-- I don't even hear what you're saying right now, 'cause your face is driving me nuts."
Brennan: "Okay. Thanks again, though."


constructive.wav(74K) constructive.mp3(34K) constructive.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "We should do this again. I think it was very constructive."


sensible.wav(332K) sensible.mp3(151K) sensible.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "What do you think, Brennan?"
Brennan: "I'm so scared right now. I'm just gonna-- I'm gonna do what's sensible: I'm gonna file for unemployment and I'm gonna try to get a job at Enterprise Rent-A-Car. Because they got an excellent corporate structure and they, they give you the tools to be your own boss."


isntme.wav(104K) isntme.mp3(48K) isntme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "This isn't me. I'm bleeping miserable. I had to get up at 10:00 this morning."


rockthe.wav(140K) rockthe.mp3(65K) rockthe.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Robert: "Rock the bleep out of those drums, Dale!"


catalina.wav(150K) catalina.mp3(69K) catalina.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alice: "Bleeping Catalina Wine Mixer."
Derek: "It's the bleeping Catalina Wine Mixer."
Robert: "It's the bleeping Catalina Wine Mixer."


hallmark.wav(438K) hallmark.mp3(199K) hallmark.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Derek: "Look, I'm not great at this Hallmark stuff but, uh, Brennan, when I look at you now, I don't wanna kick you in the head quite as much."
Brennan: "Thanks, man."
Nancy: "That was beautiful."
Robert: "That was nice."
Derek: "Yeah. What do we do now?"
Brennan: "We could hug."
Derek: "Yeah, you'd like that, faggot! Sorry, I'm--"


girlfriend.wav(609K) girlfriend.mp3(277K) girlfriend.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Robert, Mom, Derek, this is my girlfrend, Denise."
Robert: "Oh, hi, how are you?"
Denise: "Uh, actually I'm his therapist. We are in absolutely no way dating."
Derek: "Right."
Denise: "Brennan told me he was going to hurl his body off a helicopter into shark infested waters so I had a legal obligation to be here."
Nancy: "I get it. You don't wanna appear too eager, an that's a good strategy too."
Robert: "I like it."
Denise: "You are an enabler. You think you are helping but you're not."
Nancy: "And you are a keeper!"


poem.wav(534K) poem.mp3(243K) poem.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "What'd you think?"
Denise: "Brennan, I thought you were incredibly brave. And I mean that in strictly the most clinical and professional sense possible with no emotional, intimate, sexual or any other undertones that you could possibly infer."
Brennan: "God, you're gonna make me cry. What poem is that from? Is that James Joyce?"


dontleaveme.wav(842K) dontleaveme.mp3(382K) dontleaveme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Alice, I like making sex with you. I do. But you're also married. It's over."
Alice: "This is crazy. I'm a mother. I have two children, I have a husband..."
Dale: "Okay."
Alice: "...a beautiful home. I can't be bleeping around with you."
Dale: "Yeah, no, it was fun. It was fun, right?"
Alice: "It was fun while it lasted."
Dale: "I'm glad. Alright, well, good luck. (She starts crying) No."
Alice: "Oh, my god, Dale! Please don't leave me!"
Dale: "Oh, my god. Look at that whale."
Alice: "Where? (He runs away while she's distracted) Dale!"


thoughtful.wav(553K) thoughtful.mp3(252K) thoughtful.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan and Dale: "Pirate hats!"
Derek: "Whoa."
Brennan and Dale: "Hustlers!"
Dale: "Dad, that was so thoughtful!"
Brennan and Dale: "Crossbows!"
Brennan: "You guys finally came to your senses and got us something cool."
Denise: "You both know this is completely bleeped up, right?"
Robert: "Yeah."
Nancy: "Of course."
Denise: "But Brennan sure can wear the shit out of that pirate hat."


piratehat.wav(165K) piratehat.mp3(75K) piratehat.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Denise: "You both know this is completely bleeped up, right?"
Robert: "Yeah."
Nancy: "Of course."
Denise: "But Brennan sure can wear the shit out of that pirate hat."


moviequality.wav(199K) moviequality.mp3(91K) moviequality.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan and Dale: "Chewbacca masks!"
Brennan: "It's okay that mine's not movie-quality."


intheballs.wav(122K) intheballs.mp3(56K) intheballs.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but I'm gonna kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki!"


fieryanger.wav(314K) fieryanger.mp3(143K) fieryanger.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "You see that white dog crap?!"
Dale: "Do you see it?!"
Chris Gardoski (Logan Manus): "Yeah."
Dale: "Not too fun down there, is it?"
Chris Gardoski: "No."
Brennan: "You see, your actions have consequences!"
Dale: "When you oppress people, they rise up in a fiery anger!"


weregrownups.wav(77K) weregrownups.mp3(35K) weregrownups.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "We're not like you! We're grownups, motherbleeper!"

 
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