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Barry Manilow (Tom Green): "Okay, keep close. Don't straggle. We've had problems-- I've had problems with stragglers before, okay? They get lost in the back. They get hit by trucks, okay? It's not pretty. It's not pretty when it happens."

Barry: "This is the uh-- This, by the way, this is the Joseph H. Nelson Memorial Library here, okay? It was, uh, built in the, uh-- in the 1600s."
Tour Group Member (Marla Leigh Malcom): "1600s? It says 1951."
Barry: "Uh, that's the address. Okay? Wise-ass."

Barry: "Can we please feed him now?"
Rubin Carver (Paulo Costanzo): "No, If you overfeed him, he could die."
Barry: "So, it'll be worth it."

Josh Parker (Breckin Meyer): "I'm invested in this relationship."
E.L. (Seann William Scott): "Invested? Who are you, Charles Schwab? Would you listen to yourself? I would give my life for one evening of concensual sex with that girl."

Josh: "Look, I've gone this long without cheating. I think I can hold out."
E.L.: "You're already cheating! Any time you pass up sex you're cheating on yourself"

E.L.: "The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of young girl is getting smaller by the day."

E.L.: "I'm telling you. You pass this up, it'll haunt you for the rest of your days. You're dick will never forgive you. What do you think, little man? Don't you ever want to experience something new? (Squeaky voice) It ain't easy being Josh's penis. I mean, we've been here over two months now, and I feel like I'm in a coma or something."
Josh: "Stop it."
E.L.: "I wish I was your dick, E.L. 'Cause, this is torture. If something doesn't happen soon, I'm just gonna pack up my balls and leave."

E.L.: "The clock is ticking, my man. Before you know it, you're gonna be 40 and you're gonna have to pay for these kinda girls."

Rubin: "I should really warn you, though, it's been known to severly affect your decision-making abilities and lowers your inhibitions."
Party Guest (Lori Beth Edgeman): "Good, uh, that's the plan."
Rubin: "No, that-that's-- Yes, that is the plan."

Barry: "We're touching. It's a lot of fun. We're having a good time."

Barry: "(Singing) Tiny salmon swimming in a stream. Tiny salmon chasing that impossible dream. The mynah bird says (Cawing) The chimpanzee says (monkey noises) The friendly owl says (Hooting) But the salmon can only say (Blubbering) And it's sad."

Barry: "What are you so happy about?"
Josh: "I don't know. Do I seem happy this morning?"
E.L.: "Well, you're bouncing around here like you're Richard bleepin' Simmons."
Rubin: "Yeah, you do seem unusually lightharted today, Josh."
Josh: "Huh. Maybe it's because I had the best time of my life last night. Twice! And once this morning."

E.L.: "Hit the lights. It's boner time."

E.L.: "W-w-w-wait a second. Tell me you mailed the Beth tape to Tiffany. (Josh Nods) Yes!"
Josh: "Shit! Oh, no! Oh, no! "
Barry: "Hey, hey."
Josh: "What?"
Barry: "Did you make a copy? 'Cause if you made a copy, we could watch the copy."

Josh: "She gets back ther Monday. That leaves me three days to get there."
E.L.: "Get where? Austin? That's like 10,000 miles from here."
Josh: "Eighteen hundred."
E.L.: "You wanna drive 1,800 miles in three days? Just fly."
Josh: "Do you hae money for a ticket? I don't."
E.L.: "Alright, so we're driving."

E.L.: "Alright, so we're driving."
Josh: "You're coming?"
E.L.: "What else am I gonna do? Stay here and learn? Road trip."

E.L.: "Would you listen to yourself? You're 19 years old, and you're a bleeping sissy. All you ever do is sit in a library and play Myst with those exchange students. It's pathetic."

E.L.: "It's never cheating when you're in a different area gode, not to mention a different state."
Kyle Edwards (DJ Qualls): "That makes no sense."
E.L.: "Hey, don't look at me, Kyle. Okay, I didn't make up the rules."
Rubin: "No, no. This is legit. I've actually read an article about this. There's a whole bunch of them. It's like-- They're like loopholes. Right? For arguements sake, let's say you were sleeping with two girls at the same time. It wouldn't be cheating, because the would cancel each other out."
Josh: "Ahh."
E.L.: "Exactly. Or if, uh, you're too wasted to remember, it is not cheating. Because if you can't really remember it, it never really took place."

Kyle: "Okay, I've got one. Are you ready? It's not cheating if you spread peanut butter all over your testicles and let your dog lick it off. Because it's your dog!"
Rubin: "Jesus bleep!"
Kyle: "You know, because it's your dog!"
Rubin: "No, yeah, yeah, we got it."

Barry: "Sombody's gonna die tomorrow. That's right. One of you is marked for death. And first thing tomorrow morning, a chosen one will experience nature's wrath in all it's fury. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah."

Barry: "Who are you?"
Beth Wagner(Amy Smart): "I'm Beth."
Barry: "Are you here for the feeding?"
Beth: "Excuse me?"
Barry: "You're early. It's not till tomorrow. You should come back. It's gonna be a bloodbath."

Barry: "Are you here for the feeding?"

Beth: "Where did he go?"
Barry: "Austin? Austin, Massachusetts?"
Beth: "You mean Boston, Massachusetts?"
Barry: "Yeah, that's what I said. Boston. The University of Boston in Massachusetts."

Kyle: "Maybe we should just turn around and go back to the interstate."
E.L.: "We're not goin' back."
Rubin: "Yeah, we're not goin' back. Have some faith, Kyle. It's supposed to be a challenge. That's why they call it a shortcut. If it was easy, it would just be the way."

E.L.: "I give us about twenty minutes before our first ass raping."

Rubin: "If we hit this thing at 50 miles per hour, our trajectory will clear ten feet, easy."
Kyle: "No way. Absolutely not."
Rubin: "Kyle, we'll go 60 just to be certain."
Kyle: "We're goin' back. This is impossible. No, no."
Josh: "Are you sure?"
Rubin: "Of course I'm sure. With physics I'm always sure. Yes."
E.L.: "I'm driving."
Kyle: "I don't think you guys heard me. This is my car, and we're not gonna be jumping over any rivers."
E.L.: "Kyle, it's ten feet. Bob Hope could jump this in a golf cart. Look, I can spit across this gap. (He spits across it and the spit causes the other side of the bridge to collapse.)"
Rubin: "Yeah. Well, better make it 75."
E.L.: "Okay."

Rubin: "You know we need to hit 60, right?"
E.L.: "I'm trying, this car sucks!"

Rubin: "I only said we'd make it across. I-I never said anything about the wheels staying on."

Josh: "What the hell are we gonna do now?! I'm totally screwed! I don't have time to be walking through the woods right now!"

Rubin: "We're gonna call a tow truck. We'll have the axles fixed. We'll probably lose half a day. It'll be fine. It's just the wheels! (Then the car explodes)"

Beth: "I don't think I'll ever be able to trust a guy."
Woman on Bus (Cleo King): "You shouldn't. Honey, the last time I trusted a man was back in 1985, and he took off with my sister and my van. And it was a regular-size van. That was before they started making that minivan crap."
Beth: "So there's no hope, huh?"
Woman on Bus: "Oh, there's hope. But it comes with batteries."

Rubin: "Do you have any marijuana I might be able to buy from you? Our car exploded last night, and I'm practically out of my own."
Motel Clerk (Andy Dick): "Am I a drug dealer? No, I am not. Thank you for asking, though."
Rubin: "No? Okay, that's okay. Thanks."
Motel Clerk: "Is there anything else I can help ou with? Perhaps you'd like an 11-year-old prostitute sent to your room. We can do that. Or maybe we can off someone for you. Huh? How's that sound? I've got it. Why don't we start small? Would you like a freh towel? Maybe you could roll that up and smoke it."

Motel Clerk: "By the way, Cheech. That credit card you guys gave me last night was maxed out. So don't go spending all your cash on needles and guns just yet."

Josh: "Do you know where my books and possessions are? I can't really fi-- Wait, no. They were in the car-- the car that blew up. That's right."

Josh: "I don't even wanna know how you got this."
E.L.: "I stole it from a blind chick."
Josh: "I said I didn't wanna know."
E.L.: "What? I'll give it back. Probably."

Kyle: "He really is gonna kill me when he finds about that car."
E.L.: "So you screwed up. Big deal, man. People make mistakes. He'll get over it. Besides, that car sucked anyways."

Barry: "You're about to experience firsthand exactly what it means to be in the lower region of nature's food chain. Mitch is going to bite into you. He's going to squeeze. He'll actually start digesting you while you're still alive. But don't be scared. No, no, no. It'll be a quick death. (He drops the mouse into the Snake cage) Be brave. You'll barely feel it. (Banging on the cage) Come on. Come on. You gonna bleepin' eat him?"

Barry: "Unleash the fury, Mitch. Unleash the fury. Come on, Mitch. Eat him. Please, Mitch. Go get him, boy. He's right there. Kill him. Maim him. Bite him. Unleash the fury!"

Kyle: "Racist? But, I watch Oprah Winfrey everyday."

Kyle: "I boinked her!"
E.L.: "Boinked?"
Rubin: "Yeah, wait. Did you just say the word 'boinked'?"

Sperm Bank Nurse (Marla Sucharetza): "Have any of you had sex or masturbated in the past 24 hours?"
Kyle: "Well, I guess I'm out. Because I had sex last night... with a girl. (Celebrating)"
Sperm Bank Nurse: "That's nice."

E.L.: "Excuse me. Do you have anything with Asian women? I have this thing for Asian chicks, and there seem to be none in this binder."
Sperm Bank Nurse: "Sorry, but, this isn't Peep World. Our selection is rather limited. You're gonna have to make due."

E.L.: "Do those nylons go all the way up, or are they like those thigh-high kind?"
Sperm Bank Nurse: "I'm gonna perform a procedure on you called 'milking the prostate.' It's an anally-induced ejaculation."
E.L.: "Anal?"
Sperm Bank Nurse: "You're gonna feel strong pressure on the prostate gland from inside your rectum."
E.L.: "Come on, now. You don't have to get all scientific on me, baby. I mean, we can just talk-- (Grunts moans and squeals) Stop! Okay, keep doing it. Yeah!"

E.L.: "That was awesome."

Barry: "Look at me, I'm a mouse. I'm a mouse. Eat me. Eat me. Eat me. Eat me. Eat me. Eat me. Eat me. Eat me. Eat me. Eat me. Come on. You better eat him, Mitch, before I do. He's tasty. He's tasty, Mitch."

Barry: "(Screaming because of the snake on his fist)"

Kyle, Josh, E.L. and Rubin: "(Singing along to the song 'I Wanna Rock' performed by Twisted Sister)"

Josh: "Wait a minute. Wait, wait. 'Manilow?' Barry's last name is Manilow?"
Rubin: "Yeah, yeah."
Josh: "His name is Barry Minilow?"
Rubin: "Yeah. (They all laugh)"

Mrs. Manilow, Barry's Grandma (Ellen Albertini Dow): "Oh, honey, careful. Your boner."
Jack Manilow, Barry's Grandpa (Edmund Lyndeck): "What do you want me to do, cut it off?"

Rubin: "I find myself asking, 'Why?'. You know? Like... 'What is my reason for living?'."
Barry's Grandpa: "Are you gonna pass that doobie, or what?"
Rubin: "Doobie? Yeah. Yeah, sorry."
Barry's Grandpa: "Uh, thanks."

Barry's Grandpa: "Are you gonna pass that doobie, or what?"

Barry's Grandpa: "You know what your problem is? You're all brains. Not enough cock and balls."

Corky the Dog (Jimmy Kimmel - voice): "Hey, old man, I got the bleepin' munchies real bad. How 'bout you?"

Corky the Dog: "Hey, Jack, have that bitch make me some blueberry pancakes... right now."

Campus Security #1 (Todd Barry): "Freeze! This here is pepper spray, and we will not hesitate to use it."

Earl Edwards, Kyle's Dad (Fred Ward): "Oh, bullcrap! This is ridiculous! Why didn't you tell us where you were?"
Kyle: "Because I knew you'd get mad! See, look how mad you are!"
Earl Edwards: "I'm not mad!"

Barry: "Hey, look. Look at that. You can see my bum. (Laughing)"

Kyle: "So, what do we do now? You guys wanna smoke some drugs?"

Rubin: "Which class was it?"
Josh: "Ancient philosophy."
Rubin: "Well, I can teach you ancient philosophy in 46 hours."
Josh: "You can?"
Rubin: "Yeah, I can teach Japanese to a monkey in 46 hours. The key is just finding a way to relate to the material."

E.L.: "Did I say two? Better make it three."