All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 11Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).

afrowhores.wav(623K) afrowhores.mp3(623K)

Nick Schaffer (Breckin Meyer): "Excuse me, what's this $110?"
Hotel Clerk (Jenica Bergere): "Uh, those are your in-room movies."
Nick: "No, I didn't watch any movies."
Hotel Clerk: "Okay, let's see. Afro Whores."
Nick: "Afro Whores?"
Hotel Clerk: "You watched it, let's see, uh 11 times."
Nick: "No, no, no, no, wait."
Hotel Clerk: "Afro Whores, 2:30. Afro Whores, 4:00. Afro Whores, 5:30."
Nick: "Okay."
Hotel Clerk: "It says in the morning you watched The Grinch for ten minutes and then smitched back over to Afro Whores."
Nick: "I swear I didn't watch it, okay. I was at a bachelor party. There were 35 people there. You can ask any of them. You have to... You have to take that off my record."
Hotel Clerk: "This is not a record, sir."
Nick: "You have to delete it."
Hotel Clerk: "Okay, fine. How many times did you watch it?"
Nick: "None! I didn't watch it."
Hotel Clerk: "Are you sure? 'Sizzling, three-way, backdoor action featuring two sexy soul sisters..."
Nick: "No, I don't need to know what it's about. I did not watch it! I didn't."

woman.wav(87K) woman.mp3(87K)

Owen Templeton (Cuba Gooding Jr.): "Miss, can I have another one of these please? Oh, sorry. I thought you were a woman."
Casino Bartender (Carrie Diamond): "I am a woman."

break.wav(112K) break.mp3(112K)

Duane Cody: "Walk acros the lobby, slip on the glass, let gravity do the rest."
Blaine Cody: "(Indistinctly) I might break my neck."
Duane: "That's true, you could break your neck. It's a risk I'm willing to take."

unacceptable.wav(144K) unacceptable.mp3(144K)

Merrill Jennings (Lanei Chapman): "No! That's unacceptable! Listen, tell Warren, if we don't ship by Tuesday, we won't be in the stores by Mother's Day. And that's unacceptable, so don't give me any excuses, and do it! Do it! Just shut up and get it done!"

phone.wav(151K) phone.mp3(151K)

Merrill: "So don't give me any excuses, and do it! Do it! Just shut up and get it done!"
Vera Baker (Whoopi Goldberg): "Oh, honey. You broke your phone."
Merrill: "It's okay. I carry extras."

abellman.wav(86K) abellman.mp3(86K)

Randall 'Randy' Pear (Jon Lovitz): "See, I told you we didn't need a bellman."
Beverly 'Bev' Pear (Kathy Najimy): "Yeah, well, congratulations, Randy. You avoided another tip. Thank you."
Randy: "Well, those nickles and dimes add up, my dear."

gottahurt.wav(60K) gottahurt.mp3(60K)

Randy: "(Kids jumping on the bed slam into each other hard.) Ooh, ah, that's gotta hurt. Honey, kids need ya!"

adollar.wav(23K) adollar.mp3(23K)

Randy: "Wht, a dollar?"

comeon.wav(83K) comeon.mp3(83K)

Randy: "Come on, baby. Come on! Yeehoo!"

wewon.wav(111K) wewon.mp3(111K)

Blaine: "We won! We won one."
Duane: "What is this? This isn't money."

ascam.wav(231K) ascam.mp3(231K)

Merrill: "That's the prize, a free buffet?"
Guest Services Clerk (Mallory Sandler): "Oh, well, actually, it's not a buffet. It's a special reception at 10:00 in the penthouse conference room."
Vera: "Oh."
Guest Services Clerk: "Where a spectacular once-in-a-lifetime opportunity awaits you. And uh, that's all I know."
Vera: "What do you think?"
Merrill: "I think it's some kind of scam."
Vera: "Oh good, a scam! We'll do it."

himself.wav(106K) himself.mp3(106K)

Randy: "Oh my god! You should sue somebody."
Blaine: "I did it myself."
Randy: "What?"
Duane: "He said he did it himself. He sent away for a kit."

thisroom.wav(216K) thisroom.mp3(216K)

Enrico Pollini (Rowan Atkinson): "Am I too late? Look. I won a coin. A gold coin. Isn't this wonderful? Look at this room. What a beautiful room. Have you seen this room?"
Randy: "Yes! We're in it."

girlsname.wav(118K) girlsname.mp3(118K)

Enrico: "I am Enrico Pollini. Now, I know what you are thinking... Enrico is a girl's name."
Owen: "No I wasn't."
Enrico: "No pun intended."
Owen: "What pun is that?"

cockdoggies.wav(187K) cockdoggies.mp3(187K)

Enrico: "Food. Look at all this food. What a beautiful party. Little cockdoggies."
Merrill: "They're called cocktail wienies."
Enrico: "Wienies. I'm so sorry. My English is nor so good. But I'm learning."

ajoke.wav(38K) ajoke.mp3(38K)

Enrico: "A joke. He made a joke."

pimples.wav(30K) pimples.mp3(30K)

Enrico: "I'm getting goose pimples."

thechase.wav(127K) thechase.mp3(127K)

Donald P. Sinclair (John Cleese): "Well, you haven't missed anything. We were just cutting to the chase. Cutting to the chase. (Laughs uncontrollably.) Well, you'll laugh later."

captain.wav(39K) captain.mp3(39K)

Enrico: "Very good, Nick. I think Nick should be our captain."

go.wav(615K) go.mp3(615K)

Sinclair: "And uh, that's it. Go."
Owen: "You just can't pick people at random."
Sinclair: "I can do anything I like, Owen. I'm eccentric. Go!"
Randy: "Wait, wait. So, it's like a race?"
Enrico: "A race. It's a race. I hope I win."
Duane: "Um, what are the, uh rules?"
Sinclair: "There's only one rule. Are you ready? Here it is. There are no rules. Go. Go!"
Merrill: "So now when you say, 'Go,' you mean just go?"
Sinclair: "Uh, begin, commence, start moving. Theretically, you have been racing for about 40 seconds. And so far, Mr. Schaffer is winning because he's nearest to the door."

arace.wav(45K) arace.mp3(45K)

Enrico: "A race. It's a race. I hope I win."

therules.wav(116K) therules.mp3(116K)

Duane: "Um, what are the, uh rules?"
Sinclair: "There's only one rule. Are you ready? Here it is. There are no rules. Go."

thedoor.wav(101K) thedoor.mp3(101K)

Sinclair: "Theretically, you have been racing for about 40 seconds. And so far, Mr. Schaffer is winning because he's nearest to the door."

aracearace.wav(115K) aracearace.mp3(115K)

Enrico: "It's a race! A race! You have to pace yourself. Carbohydrate is important. Pasta is good. Breathing is important."

imwinning.wav(60K) imwinning.mp3(60K)

Enrico: "It's a race. It's a race. I'm winning. I'm winning."

gowithyou.wav(221K) gowithyou.mp3(221K)

Beverly: "I love New Mexico. Honey, we'll go with you."
Randy: "No!"
Beverly: "Why not?"
Randy: "Because we've already paid for the room. Ah! Now look who's wasting money."
Beverly: "No, no, no. This was your idea to stop here. Okay, I don't care about David Copperfield. This is our family vacation. We'll go with you."
Randy: "But you don't understand..."
Beverly: "We will go with you!"

ridofit.wav(113K) ridofit.mp3(113K)

Gus the Cabbie (Paul Rodriguez): "Get rid of it. Get rid of it. Throw the ball! That's why you're not gonna get drafted! You'll be lucky to play arena football in Barcelona!"

obscenity.wav(230K) obscenity.mp3(230K)

Gus the Cabbie: "You like football?"
Owen: "Sure."
Gus the Cabbie: "Did you happen to catch that uh Dallas game last week? Well, you can't really call it a game. It was an obscenity. It was a crime against football. I lost 20 grand on that game! And they would have won! Now I gotta work two shifts because of that idiot! I mean, Stevie Wonder could have done a better job calling that game."

neither.wav(120K) neither.mp3(120K)

Duane: "I'm not giving up. And neither are you! And neither am I! I'll tell you something, brother. If we're not flying out of here, noone is flying out of here."

cantbegood.wav(16K) cantbegood.mp3(16K)

Duane: "Well, that can't be good."

scream.wav(36K) scream.mp3(36K)

Blaine: "(Screams in terror.)"

stopthecar.wav(47K) stopthecar.mp3(47K)

Blaine: "Duane, stop the car! Stop the car!"

prairie.wav(166K) prairie.mp3(166K)

Kimberly Pear (Jillian Marie Hubert): "But Dad, I'm prairie-dogging it."
Randy: "What the hell does that mean?"
Jason Pear (Brody Smith): "You know. Like when a prairie dog sticks his head in and out of the ground."
Randy: "Oh, I do not want to picture that."

squirrel.wav(11K) squirrel.mp3(11K)

The Squirrel Lady (Kathy Bates): "Squirrel?"

stopthecar2.wav(149K) stopthecar2.mp3(149K)

Beverly: "Okay, Honey. You really need to pull over and stop the car to give the kids a break."
Randy: "Yeah, okay, maybe on the way back."
Beverly: "No, no, stop the car."
Randy: "No, I can't do that."
Beverly: "No, We all need to stop the car."
Randy: "No can do."
Beverly: "No, you need to stop the car."
Randy: "No!"
Beverly: "Will you please stop the car! (Headbutt.)"

leaving.wav(346K) leaving.mp3(346K)

Skinhead Tour Guide (Steven Tingle): "Here we see him standing beside Hitler's touring car. The very same car which can be seen on display outside in our courtyard."
Skinhead Tour Guide (Jared Van Snellenberg): "You're leaving?"
Randy: "What? No, no. Yes. Well, we. we have a 4:30 book burning, and then, and then we have a uh..."
Beverly: "A cristening."
Randy: "Yes, a cristening for one of our many uh, white, Christian, non-Jewish fre... frein..."
Beverly: "Family."
Randy: "Family relatives, yes."
Beverly: "Blood relatives."
Randy: "The uh Himmler Hessin Von Sturichberg..."
Beverly: "Thank you so much."
Randy: "Yes, love your do."

eparate.wav(353K) eparate.mp3(353K)

Duane: "I say we take the interstate."
Blaine: "No, take Highway twelve. That's a shortcut."
Duane: "Yeah, but you don't know what the shortcut is. It could be anything. It could be a dirt road."
Blaine: "You know what? There's two of us. Why don't we just separate?"
Duane: "What?"
Blaine: "There's two of us. Why don't we just separate?"
Duane: "You're right. You're a genius. There's two of us. If we separate and you steal a car, we can both go our own way and double our chances of getting there first."
Blaine: "All right. You take the... We only got one key."

hitlerscar.wav(166K) hitlerscar.mp3(166K)

Jason: "I can't believe it, Dad. You stole Adolf Hitler's Mercedes-Benz."
Randy: "Well, Hitler had it comin'. What goes around comes around."
Kimberly: "Dad, they're gonna be pissed."
Randy: "Eh, they're always pissed, Honey. They're Nazis. It's like it's their job."

badtime.wav(38K) badtime.mp3(38K)

Tracy Faucet (Amy Smart): "Did I come at a bad time, bleephole?"

helicopter.wav(42K) helicopter.mp3(42K)

Tracy: "I'll ram this helicopter right down your throat!"

suckon.wav(28K) suckon.mp3(28K)

Tracy: "Suck on that, creep!"

openit.wav(61K) openit.mp3(61K)

Tracy: "Come on, help me. Open it."
Nick: "You know what, tracy. I'm actually not comfortable..."
Tracy: "Open it!"
Nick: "Okay."

paint.wav(47K) paint.mp3(47K)

Tracy: "(She screams and drops the paint and laughs maniacly.)"

notyet.wav(29K) notyet.mp3(29K)

Nick: "We should get out of here."
Tracy: "Not yet."
Nick: "Okay."

twotiming.wav(73K) twotiming.mp3(73K)

Tracy: "You two timing, back-stabbing snake! You worm! You turd!"

5months.wav(60K) 5months.mp3(60K)

Tracy: "My god, what was I thinking? I want my five months back!"

tatoo.wav(29K) tatoo.mp3(29K)

Tracy: "I'm getting the tatoo removed!"

waitforme.wav(33K) waitforme.mp3(33K)

Tracy: "Where are you going, baby? Wait for me!"

killedhim.wav(46K) killedhim.mp3(46K)

Nick: "I think we just killed him."
Tracy: "You can't kill him! He's like a cockroach!"

uhoh.wav(89K) uhoh.mp3(89K)

Tracy: "Uh-oh."
Nick: "No, no, no, no uh-oh. No, fix the uh-oh."

yourhat.wav(563K) yourhat.mp3(563K)

Owen: "Oh mister, you gotta help me. My wife, she's out back. She's having a baby."
Lucy Bus Driver (Paul Hayes): "She's having a what?"
Owen: "A baby!"
Lucy Bus Driver: "She's having a baby?"
Owen: "And it's halfway out! I can see the head! I need your jacket!"
Lucy Bus Driver: "Why?"
Owen: "For her amniotic sac!"
Lucy Bus Driver: "oh."
Owen: "Yeah, her amniotic fluid is gushing out."
Lucy Bus Driver: "Gushing?"
Owen: "The jacket! The jacket! Give me the jacket! And your pants."
Lucy Bus Driver: "My pants?"
Owen: "Your pants. Yeah' for her, you know, her placentia, you know, and her labia and cervical... Mucus gushing... it's gushing. It's just a hole and it's... Quick the pants!"
Lucy Bus Driver: "Okay."
Owen: "And the hat."
Lucy Bus Driver: "Uh, my hat? Why? Why my hat?"
Owen: "Uh, for her, uh... vagina!"

itsarace.wav(32K) itsarace.mp3(32K)

Enrico: "It's a race. It's a race. It's a race."

runrun.wav(39K) runrun.mp3(39K)

Enrico: "Run, run, like greased lightning."

youokay.wav(309K) youokay.mp3(309K)

Zack Mallozzi (Wayne Knight): "Hey, buddy? Buddy, you okay? You okay?"
Enrico: "Tadah!"
Zack: "You're fine! You look great. You don't want to report this, do you?"
Enrico: "Taxi!"
Zack: "You don't need a taxi. Come on! Come on, uh... Where you goin'? Maybe I can drop you off."
Enrico: "Silver City , New Mexico. I am in a race."
Zack: "Silver City? This is your lucky day! I'm going to El Paso. It's right on the way. Come on. But, look, I got to be there by 7:00 tonight. So I'm going to be driving very fast."
Enrico: "Great."
Zack: "Yay!"

iaminarace.wav(13K) iaminarace.mp3(13K)

Enrico: "I am in a race."

ockucker.wav(49K) ockucker.mp3(49K)

Blaine: "That other-ucking astard, ock-ucker!"

greatthings.wav(58K) greatthings.mp3(58K)

Nick: "My grandfather used to say 'good things take time, great things happen all at once'."

harmonica.wav(242K) harmonica.mp3(242K)

Randy: "Jason, where'd you get that?"
Jason: "I found it under the seat."
Randy: "Alright, Jason, give it to me right now. Come on, you can't play that."
Jason: "Why not?"
Randy: "Because it's Hitler's harmonica. You can't play Hitler's harmonica."
Jason: "You're driving his car."
Randy: "Yes, but I'm not touching it with my mouth. I'm not sucking on the dashboard. I'm not gettin' his germs."

respect.wav(98K) respect.mp3(98K)

Enrico: "R E S P E C T. Find out what it means to me. Respect, just a little bit, just a little bit."

haulinass.wav(209K) haulinass.mp3(209K)

Enrico: "Look at us go. We are zooming."
Zack: "I told you. We're haulin' ass."
Enrico: "We're haulin' ass! All righty."
Zack: "Guess what I got back there."
Enrico: "You just told me. Ass. We're haulin' ass."

aheart.wav(636K) aheart.mp3(636K)

Zack: "Guess what I got back there."
Enrico: "You just told me. Ass. We're haulin' ass."
Zack: "No, no, no. That's just an expression."
Enrico: "Oh."
Zack: "It's a heart."
Enrico: "A heart?"
Zack: "A human heart. Some lucky bastard in El Paso's waiting for it. Yeah, normally, they put it on a plane, but, you know, the airport's all closed down, so... You wanna see it?"
Enrico: "See what? Are we allowed?"
Zack: "We'll just take a peek. One peek. What could happen? It's a heart. It needs fresh air. It's been locked up in that cooler for seven hours."

smote.wav(94K) smote.mp3(84K)

Nick: "This is wrong. This is so wrong."
Tracy: "Shhh!"
Nick: "God is going to smote us. Were gonna get smote."
Tracy: "Shhh! Come on, were siphoning gas. It's not a smoting offence."

pitstop.wav(260K) pitstop.mp3(260K)

Deep Voiced Lucy (Christopher Peterson): "How's it going, captain?"
Owen: "So far, so good."
Deep Voiced Lucy: "How about a pit stop?"
Owen: "Sorry. This is a one-way flight. There's a bathroom in the back."
Deep Voiced Lucy: "The latch is broken. Anybody could just come in."
Owen: "So what? You ain't got nothin the other Lucys haven't seen already."
Deep Voiced Lucy: "Not necessarily"
Owen: "Ahhh!"
Deep Voiced Lucy: "Please, would you stop screaming."
Owen: "Damn!"

screwed.wav(187K) screwed.mp3(187K)

Zack: "I'm a dead man."
Enrico: "Don't worry, my friend. We will find the heart. I have lost my heart many times before. I make joke. To help you forget how screwed you are."

adoggie.wav(129K) adoggie.mp3(129K)

Enrico: "A doggie. Hello, hello little doggie. Hello there. Isn't he a good doggie? Come on, come on. Fetch it! Loog at him go."

3000.wav(629K) 3000.mp3(629K)

Vicky (Brandy Ledford): "So, Harry, what can I do for you?"
Harold Grisham (Dave Thomas): "Okay... here's what I want. First we both get naked."
Vicky: "So far so good."
Harold Grisham: "Onl we're wearing sailor hats. And then we get into a jacuzzi filled with Pepto-Bismol. And I clip your toenails, and you shave my buttocks."
Vicky: "Pardon Me?"
Harold Grisham: "Okay, um. Naked... um... jacuzzi... Pepto-Bismol... toenails... shave my buttocks. How much would that cost?"
Vicky: "Uh gee, honey, you have quite an imagination."
Harold Grisham: "How much would it cost?"
Vicky: "Well, lets see. A party like that, $3000."

drifter.wav(1063K) drifter.mp3(1063K)

Zack: "I thknk it's okay. What do you think?"
Enrico: "What about those little holes? Are they bite marks?"
Zack: "No, no, no, no, no. That's... That's how it was. I'm... I'm pretty sure. What am I doing? I can't go to El Paso with this. Look at it. It's gonna leak like a sieve. The gu's gonna be alive for like two minutes and then eeeeeeeeee (pounds on the heart) eeeeeeeeee. A drifter."
Enrico: "A drifter?"
Zack: "We... We find a drifter... kill him, cut out his heart. Nobod's gonna miss him, right? I mean he's a drifter. He's an invisible man. It's a perfect plan."
Enrico: "Mr. Zack, now you are giving me the freak-out."
Zack: "Where... Where do I find a drifter? Enrico. Where did ou sa ou were from?"
Enrico: "Me? I am from Napoli."
Zack: "And, and, and your famil, they're back there?"
Enrico: "No, no my papa, he is dead. And my mom. All gone."
Zack: "Any family? Kids?"
Enrico: "Nope, nope, I am completely alone. Why uh... Why do you... Look a drifter. Let's kill him."

killhim.wav(21K) killhim.mp3(21K)

Enrico: "Look a drifter. Let's kill him."

asquirrel.wav(19K) asquirrel.mp3(19K)

Vera: "We should have bought a squirrel."

unchristian.wav(244K) unchristian.mp3(244K)

Tracy: "This is so unchristian!"
Mechanic (Dave Powledge): "Unchristian? Well, if the good lord don't like the way I conduct business let him say something. Let him give me a sign. Oh lord, I'm here and I'm listening! Hello! (His gas station is leveled by the jet car that Vera and Merrill 'borrowed'.)"

wereracing.wav(215K) wereracing.mp3(215K)

Beverly: "Randy, you okay?"
Randy: "There's no Ink Inc. "
Beverly: "What?"
Randy: "There's no job. No. It's a race. We're racing. Donald Sinclair put $2 million in a locker. And I wanna get there first. I do not want to work at Home Depot!"

homedepot.wav(51K) homedepot.mp3(51K)

Randy: "I do not want to work at Home Depot!"

rocketcar.wav(70K) rocketcar.mp3(70K)

Vera: "We came on a rocket car."
Rainbow House Nurse (Colleen Camp): "Oh a rocket car. Let's hear all about that on the bus."

livinghell.wav(36K) livinghell.mp3(36K)

Kimberly: "Dad, it's been a living hell."

hummus.wav(119K) hummus.mp3(119K)

Randy: "Bev it's... it's $2 million. That's a lifetime supply of hummus."

gotuskilled.wav(112K) gotuskilled.mp3(112K)

Randy: "I'm being selfish. I understand. I'm sorry. Really. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I almost got us killed."

shutup.wav(71K) shutup.mp3(71K)

The Lucys: "(chanting 'Owen, Owen!')"
Owen: "No, no no. Listen, no, listen. Listen, no. Listen, no. No! No! Shut up, you crazy Lucy bitches! Shut up!"

abusdriver.wav(390K) abusdriver.mp3(390K)

Owen: "I am not a bus driver! I do not work for the bus company! All right? I... I needed a ride to New Mexico, so I stole this uniform! See this jacket? This is not my jacket! Remember Marty, the bus driver? Huh? This is his shirt! I stole it! And these pants, you think I'd wear these pants? These aren't my pants! These are Marty's pants. I stole them. I am not a bus driver!"

finishline.wav(70K) finishline.mp3(70K)

Enrico: "Silver City. It is the finish line. I made it. I made it."

thekey.wav(191K) thekey.mp3(191K)

Enrico: "The key. Where is the key? What have we... Where is the key, my little baby?"
Mother (Shannon Anderson): "Excuse me."
Enrico: "I think I am touching it."
Father (Brian Stollery): "Get away from him."
Enrico: "I can feel it. I can feel it. It's very small."

notcrazy.wav(87K) notcrazy.mp3(87K)

Rainbow House Nurse: "Ladies, ladies, ladies, you know the rules."
Merrill: "We're not crazy, lady."
Vera: "We should have bought a squirrel. We didn't buy a squirrel."
Merrill: "Which is why we had to stole the rocket car."

didiwin.wav(36K) didiwin.mp3(36K)

Enrico: "(He wakes up abruptly.) Did I win?"