National Lampoons Christmas Vacation price at: amazon
All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 11Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).
eatmyrubber.wav(100K) eatmyrubber.mp3(100K) eatmyrubber.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark Wilhelm Griswold, Jr. (Chevy Chase): "You want to ride behind someone who does something that? I'm going to pull around him and leave him safely behind us. Burn some dust here. Eat my Rubber!"
roadgrit.wav(23K) roadgrit.mp3(23K) roadgrit.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "Eat my road grit liver lips!"
eggtimer.wav(157K) eggtimer.mp3(157K) eggtimer.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Ellen Griswold (Beverly D'Angelo): "Clark, stop it! I don't want to spend the holidays dead."
Clark: "Honey please, I'll do the driving okay? Will you just take it easy Ellen? I'm in complete control. I'm getting around this egg timer."
underatruck.wav(123K) underatruck.mp3(123K) underatruck.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "We're all right. Thank god we're all right."
Ellen: "Clark, we're stuck under a truck."
Clark: "Do you honestly think I don't know that?"
Audrey Griswold (Juliette Lewis): "Come on you guys' don't fight."
Clark: "For christ's sake, I didn't do this on purpose."
ourfather.wav(322K) ourfather.mp3(322K) ourfather.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Ellen: "Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, and forgive my husband, he knows not what he does."
Ellen: "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!"
Clark: "We made pretty good time."
treelots.wav(368K) treelots.mp3(368K) treelots.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Russel "Rusty" Griswold (Jhonny Galecki): "Dad, didn't they invent christmas tree lots so people wouldn't have to drive all the way out to nowhere and waste a whole saturday?"
Clark: "They invented them Russ because people forgot how to have a fun old fashioned family christmas, and are satisfied with scronny, dead, overpriced trees that have no special meaning."
Audrey: "My toes are numb."
Clark: "You see kids, this is what our four fathers did."
Audrey: "I can't feel my leg."
Clark: "They walked out into the woods, they picked out that special tree and they cut it down with their bare hands."
Audrey: "Mom, I can't feel my hips!"
Clark: "Yes honey?"
Ellen: "Audrey's frozen frm the waste down."
Clark: "Ah, it's all part of the experience honey."
itsjustfull.wav(223K) itsjustfull.mp3(223K) itsjustfull.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "The Griswold family christmas tree."
Ellen: "Isn't it a little big?"
Clark: "It's not big. It's just full."
Russ: "Dad, that thing wouldn,t fit in our yard."
Clark: "It's not going in our yard Russ. It's going in our living room."
bringasaw.wav(309K) bringasaw.mp3(309K) bringasaw.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "Look at it."
Ellen: "It really is beautiful Clark."
Clark: "It's something else huh Russ?"
Russ: "Yeah Dad."
Clark: "Isn't it a beaut Audrey?"
Ellen: "She'll see it later honey. Her eyes are frozen."
Clark: "The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith ond kin. This tree is a symbol of the spirit of the Griswold family christmas."
Russ: "Dad, did you bring a saw?"
treethatbig.wav(139K) treethatbig.mp3(139K) treethatbig.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Todd Chester (Nicholas Guest): "Hey Griswold, where do you think you're going to put a tree that big?"
Clark: "Bend over and I'll show you."
Todd: "You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold."
Clark: "I wasn't talking to you."
crunchenhancer.wav(159K) crunchenhancer.mp3(159K) crunchenhancer.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bill (Sam McMurray): "What's that new thing you got over there at food and drug?"
Clark: "Oh the Crunch enhancer? Yeah it's a non-nutritive cereal varnish. It's semi-permiable. It's not osmotic. What it does is it coats and seals the flake, prevents the milk from penetrating it."
Bill: "Yeah it's a beautiful product."
Clark: "Yeah I like it."
merrychristmas.wav(111K) merrychristmas.mp3(111K) merrychristmas.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Mr. Frank Shirley (Brian Doyle-Murray): "Don't forget that report Bill."
Clark: "Yes sir, merry christmas. Merry chirstmas. Merry chirstmas. Merry chirstmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah"
yulelog.wav(1131K) yulelog.mp3(1131K) yulelog.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Mary (Nicolette Scorsese): "Can I show you something?"
Clark: "Ah. I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing. "
Mary: "For your wife or your girlfriend?"
Clark: "What? What happened? Whoof! I guess it wouldn't be any... Whoa! It wouldn't be the christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than - hotter than they are. Whoo! It is warm in here."
Mary: "Well, you have your coat on."
Clark: "Oh, do I? How did that happen?"
Mary: "Because, it's cold out."
Clark: "Yes, it's a bit nippely out. I mean nippy out. (laughs) What did I say, nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air though."
Mary: "Can I take something out for you?"
Clark: "(laughs) I was just looking at something for my wife, god rest her soul."
Mary: "Oh god, I'm so sorry."
Clark: "Oh no no no, she's not dead. We're just divorced. She's history. And, obviously she doesn't wear underwear. And, there are plenty of shopping days left until aduteries - adulthood - which is to say christmas, as in yule, yule log. Not a log, I don't have a log. I mean you know. If I had a log, not in the sence that you think I said I did. (laughs) Good golly. Tis the season to be merry."
Mary: "That,s my name."
Clark: "No bleep!"
quarter.wav(95K) quarter.mp3(95K) quarter.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Gradma Nora Griswold (Diane Ladd): "Sweetheart, your grandma Nora's got a real painful burr on my heel. If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter. Okay?"
Russ: "A quarter"
Gradma Nora: "And, I'll give Audrey a quarter too. Audrey!"
allabout.wav(104K) allabout.mp3(104K) allabout.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "This is what Crritsmas is all about. I'll uh park the cars and uh, I'll be outside for the season."
overdoingit.wav(300K) overdoingit.mp3(300K) overdoingit.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "We're going to have the best looking house in town Russ. I've always wanted to do this."
Russ: "It's a lot of lights dad."
Clark: "Yeah well, I'm sure it's a lot of work too. But, I'm out in the cold and I'm commited to decorating the house, I'm going to do it right, and I'm going to do it big. You want something you can be proud of, don't you?"
Russ: "Yeah, I guess so."
Clark: "Sure you do."
Russ: "You think you might be overdoing it dad?"
Clark: "Russ, when was the last time I overdid anything."
hopehefalls.wav(59K) hopehefalls.mp3(59K) hopehefalls.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Margo: "I hope he falls and breaks his neck."
Todd: "I'm sure he'll fall. But, I don't think we're lucky enough to have him break his neck."
nutcracker.wav(96K) nutcracker.mp3(96K) nutcracker.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
TV Parade Announcer: "Boy, these gusty winds appear to be playing havoc with the giant nutcracker float. At this point, I can't even see the nuts. They must have blown away."
misery.wav(395K) misery.mp3(395K) misery.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Audrey: "Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?"
Audrey: "Well, can we at least forbid them to answer the phone? Alexander called this morning and Grandpa Clark told him I couldn't come to the phone because was going to the bathroom."
Ellen: "We're all making sacrifices Audrey."
Audrey: "Everybody? Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is Mom?"
Ellen: "Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic."
Audrey: "I have nightmares about what he does in his bed alone when I'm not lying right next to him."
Ellen: "Well, I don't know what to say except, it's Christmas and, we're all in misery."
pajamas.wav(94K) pajamas.mp3(94K) pajamas.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Audrey: "Well, I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas."
Art (E.G.Marshall): "If they know your dad, they won't think anything of it."
checkedall.wav(339K) checkedall.mp3(339K) checkedall.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Russ: "Well dad, it was a good try."
Clark: "Thanks Russ. Russ?"
Clark: "We checked every bulb, didn't we?"
Russ: "Oh yeah, yeah I'm sure of it."
Clark: "I thought so. Maybe we ought to go up there and just get..."
Russ: "Whoo! jeez! Look at the time. I got to get to bed, brush my teeth, feed the hog. I still got some homework to do, do the laundry, wash the car, still got those bill to pay..."
getoffme.wav(32K) getoffme.mp3(32K) getoffme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Audrey: "Get off me, you little fungus."
pluggedin.wav(134K) pluggedin.mp3(134K) pluggedin.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "The house lights don't work, the flood lights don't work."
Ellen: "Well, is it plugged in?"
Clark: "Honey, do you honestly think I would check thousands of little lights if I wasn't sure the extension cord was plugged in."
theinlaws.wav(269K) theinlaws.mp3(269K) theinlaws.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "Dear Frances, I hope this adds to your enjoyment of the holidays."
Frances: "Oh, it's just wonderful."
Clark: "Oh, Arthur, Art, Dad, thanks for being here."
Art: "The little lights are not twinkeling."
Clark: "I know Art, and thanks for noticing."
eddie.wav(278K) eddie.mp3(278K) eddie.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid): "The house sure does look swell Clark."
Clark: "Thanks Eddie. I hope it enhances you holiday spirit. Dear Catherine... Eddie?"
Cousin Cathrine (Miriam Flynn): "Oh, the house is gorgeous Clark."
Eddie: "I hope you didn't do all this on our account Clark. Kids, come on out here and see what Uncle Clark's done to the house."
lipfungus.wav(108K) lipfungus.mp3(108K) lipfungus.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Eddie: "If you don't remember, this here's Rocky."
Art: "Have you got a kiss for me?"
Eddie: "You better take a rain check on that Art. He's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet."
rubysue.wav(190K) rubysue.mp3(190K) rubysue.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Cathrine: "You remember Ruby Sue?"
Frances: "Oh yeah. Oh my gosh, her eys aren't crossed anymore."
Eddie: "That's something ain't it? She falls in a well, eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule, they go back to normal. I don't know."
snots.wav(322K) snots.mp3(322K) snots.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Eddie: "And, this here's aur pride and joy, Snots."
Clark: "Pretty name Ed."
Eddie: "Yeah, we named him that because he's got this sinus condition. Snots, you roll over and let Uncle Clark scratch you belly. You ain't never seen a set on a dog like this one's got, clark."
Clark: "That's okay, Eddie."
Eddie: "That's something, ain't it? You pet him, Clark, on the belly and, he'll love you till the day you die."
Clark: "I really shouldn't. My hands are all chapped."
surprised.wav(134K) surprised.mp3(134K) surprised.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Cathrine: "We were going to call. But, Eddie wanted to make it a surprise."
Eddie: "Yeah, you surprised?"
Clark: "Surprised Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am rigt now."
dontforget.wav(108K) dontforget.mp3(108K) dontforget.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Eddie: "After that long drive, we could use a little private time together. Honey, why don't you run and get the kid's things. And, don't forget the rubber sheets and the gerbils."
isitreal.wav(88K) isitreal.mp3(88K) isitreal.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Eddie: "That's a honey of a tree Clark. Is it real?"
Clark: "Yeah, yeah, dug it out of the ground myself."
Eddie: "Is that a fact?"
penzoil.wav(146K) penzoil.mp3(146K) penzoil.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "Hey! Get out of there! Snots! Yo!"
Eddie: "Oh, don't worry about it Clark. A little tree water ain't going to hurt him. Before we left, he drank half a quart of Penzoil. Boy, when he lifted his leg the next morning, whoa!"
mississippi.wav(236K) mississippi.mp3(236K) mississippi.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Eddie: "He's cute, ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit of Mississippi leg hound in him. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg, and just go to town. You don't want him around if you're wearing short pants if you know what I mean. A word of warning though: If he does lay into you, it's best to just let him finish."
daywouldcome.wav(85K) daywouldcome.mp3(85K) daywouldcome.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "I con't believe you're actually standing here in my living room Eddie. I never thought the day would come."
Eddie: "Yeah, I'm excited about it too."
olderkids.wav(392K) olderkids.mp3(392K) olderkids.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Eddie: "Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic, getting cured off the Wild Turkey. And, the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career."
Clark: "You got to be proud."
Eddie: "Oh, yeah. Yeah, last season he was a pixie-dust spreader on the Tilt-O-Whirl. He thinks that maybe next year, He'll be guessing people's weight or barking for the Yak woman. You ever see her?"
Eddie: "She's got these big horns growing right out above her ears. Yeah, she's ugly as sin, but a sweet gal. And, a hell of a good cook."
eggnog.wav(110K) eggnog.mp3(110K) eggnog.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "Can I refil your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere? Leave you for dead?"
Eddie: "No, I'm doing just fine Clark. Just glad to be here."
tenament.wav(277K) tenament.mp3(277K) tenament.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "So, when did you get the tenament on wheels?"
Eddie: "Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?"
Clark: "Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway."
Eddie: "Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month."
getmesomebody.wav(244K) getmesomebody.mp3(244K) getmesomebody.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "By the way, I uh hope my report helped out at the trade show."
Mr. Shirley: "I'm sure it did Grisball. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of an important call. Get me somebody. Anybody. And, get me somebody while I'm waiting."
slippery.wav(170K) slippery.mp3(170K) slippery.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "This is a new non-caloric silicon-based kitchen lubricant my company has been working on. It creats a surface 500 times more slippery than any cooking oil. Ahhh! We're really going to fly down the hill with this stuff."
Russ: "Has anyone ever used it on a sled?"
Clark: "Not that I know of, Russ."
onmysled.wav(473K) onmysled.mp3(473K) onmysled.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Eddie: "Well, don't go putting none of that stuff on my sled Clark. You know that metal plate in my head?"
Clark: "Ah! How could I forget?"
Eddie: "I had to have it replaced, because everytime Cathrine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about a half-hour or so. So, over at the VA, they had to replace it with a plastic one. It ain't as strong. So, I don't know if I ought to go sailing down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic."
Clark: "You really think it matters Eddie?"
Eddie: "Well, see the plate runs right underneath the part here. See, over here, nothing. But, here if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't going to look right."
bingo.wav(18K) bingo.mp3(18K) bingo.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
bricks.wav(139K) bricks.mp3(139K) bricks.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Cousin Ruby Sue (Ellen Hamilton Latzen): "Him's nervous because Christmas is almost here."
Clark: "Nervous or excited?"
Ruby Sue: "Shitting bricks."
Clark: "You shouldn't use that word."
Ruby Sue: "Sorry, bleepting rocks."
theshaft.wav(245K) theshaft.mp3(245K) theshaft.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "And if you believe in him, and you believe in your mom, and you believe in your... your dad, and if you've been good all year round, Santa Clause is going to bring you something."
Ruby Sue: "Sometimes I think all that Santa crap's just bull. If he was so real, how come we didn,t get squat last year? We didn't do nothing wrong, and we still got the shaft."
staywithus.wav(101K) staywithus.mp3(101K) staywithus.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "It's a good idea you came to stay with us, isn't it?"
Ruby Sue: "I love it here. You don't got to put your coat to go to the bathroom. And your house is always parked in the same place."
santaclause.wav(34K) santaclause.mp3(34K) santaclause.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Ruby Sue: "Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't santa clause?"
lookingat.wav(146K) lookingat.mp3(146K) lookingat.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Ellen: "What are you looking at?"
Clark: "Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn. The clean cool chill of the holiday air. And an bleephole in his bathrobe, emtying a chemical toilet into my sewer."
tenyards.wav(142K) tenyards.mp3(142K) tenyards.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Eddie: "Shitter was full!"
Clark: "Ah, yeah! You checked our bleepters honey?"
Ellen: "Clark please, he doesn't know any better."
Clark: "He ought to know it's illegal. It's a storm sewer: if it fills with gass, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it."
wasfull.wav(37K) wasfull.mp3(37K) wasfull.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Eddie: "Merry Christmas, bleepter was full!"
sevenyears.wav(99K) sevenyears.mp3(99K) sevenyears.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "How can they have nothing for their children?"
Ellen: "Well, he's been out of work for close to seven years."
Clark: "In seven years, he couldn't find a job?"
Ellen: "Cathrine says, he's been holding out for a management position."
youprettyset.wav(1127K) youprettyset.mp3(1127K) youprettyset.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "You're pretty set so far as shopping goes?"
Eddie: "Well, I can't lie to you Clark. The truth is, things ain't going too good at all. You know I told you I borrowed the RV from my neighbor? Nope. It's mine. We live in it. I had to sell off the house, the barn, the ten acres. All I kept was a 50-foot plot, the pigs and the worm farm. If only I had back the money that me and Cathrine sent that TV preacher that was screwing the hockey players."
Clark: "What about the kids?"
Eddie: "His kids can fend for themselves. I don't even..."
Clark: "No, your kids."
Eddie: "Oh, well, that's the bitch of it. Se, I don't know what to do. We coasted into town on fumes. The gas money give out in Gurnee. "
Clark: "Eddie, Ellen and I want to help you give the kids a nice Christmas."
Eddie: "Oh Clark, I couldn't do that."
Clark: "No, no, we insist."
Eddie: "Oh, no; I'm not one for charity, now."
Clark: "Oh, I know that Eddie. This isn't charity; it's family."
Eddie: "Ooh, I don't know about that."
Clark: "Now, come on; if you don't tell me what they want, I,ll go out and get it on my own."
Eddie: "Oh boy, this is a surprise Clark. This is just a real nice surprise. Just a real nice surprise. Here's a little list. Alphabetical, starting with Cathrine. And if it wouldn't be too much, I'd like to get something for you Clark. Something really nice."
auntbethany.wav(317K) auntbethany.mp3(317K) auntbethany.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Aunt Bethany (Mae Questel): "Is your house on fire Clark?"
Clark: "No, Bethany, those are just Christmas lights."
Aunt Bethany: "Don't throw me down Clark."
Clark: "I'll try not to Aunt Bethany"
Aunt Bethany: "Is this the airport Clark?"
Clark: "We're here!"
Uncle Lewis (William Hickey): "Say Gris, me and Bethany figured out the perfect gift for you."
Clark: "Oh, Uncle Lewis, you didn't have to buy me anything."
Uncle Lewis: "Damn it Bethany, he guessed it."
Aunt Bethany: "Oh, that was fun; I love riding in cars. When did you move to Florida?"
breakwind.wav(239K) breakwind.mp3(239K) breakwind.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Aunt Bethany: "Ellen, are you still dating Clark?"
Ellen: "Oh, Aunt Bethany, you know you shouldn't hae done that."
Aunt Bethany: "Oh dear, did I break wind?"
Uncle Lewis: "Jesus, did the room clear out? Hell no. She means presents; you shouldn't have brought presents."
Aunt Bethany: "It isn't everyday somebody moves into a new house."
Uncle Lewis: "They didn't move into a new house!"
helloeverybody.wav(204K) helloeverybody.mp3(204K) helloeverybody.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Aunt Bethany: "Tihs house is bigger than your old one. Is Rusty still in the Navy?"
Ellen: "Aunt Bethany, why don't you go with Frances and Cathrine into the living room and say hello to everybody."
Aunt Bethany: "Hello, everybody?"
Ellen: "Just in the living room.."
Aunt Bethany: "I should say it?"
Ellen: "You should say it."
Aunt Bethany: "Hello, everybody!"
Ellen: "Hello, everybody."
boxismeowing.wav(133K) boxismeowing.mp3(133K) boxismeowing.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Russ: "This box is meowing."
Clark: "Let me see it. (He shakes up the box and the cat meows.) She wrapped up her damn cat!"
grace.wav(725K) grace.mp3(725K) grace.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "Before we begin, since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of grace."
Aunt Bethany: "What dear?"
Aunt Bethany: "Grace? She passed away 30 years ago."
Uncle Lewis: "They want you to say grace. The blessing!"
Aunt Bethany: "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the rebublic for which it stands."
Everybody: "One nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
Uncle Lewis: "Amen."
savetheneck.wav(41K) savetheneck.mp3(41K) savetheneck.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Eddie: "Save the neck for me Clark."
Clark: "Okay Eddie."
catlikejello.wav(124K) catlikejello.mp3(124K) catlikejello.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "(Clark notices that there is cat food in the jello.) Aunt Bethany? Does your cat by any chance eat jello?"
Eddie: "I don't know about the cat, but I sure am enjoying it."
youserious.wav(158K) youserious.mp3(158K) youserious.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "Hey kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sled on it's way in from New york."
All of the Adults except Eddie: "Oooh! (And the kids eyes light up with excitement.)"
Eddie: "You serious Clark?"
itisgood.wav(52K) itisgood.mp3(52K) itisgood.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Eddie: "Art, you want to load me up with a little more there. It is goooood! (Eddie is talking about the cat food jello.)"
onabone.wav(126K) onabone.mp3(126K) onabone.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Eddie: "Yeah Clark?"
Clark: "What's wrong with the dog?"
Eddie: "Oh, he's just yacking on a bone. He's got it up. He's all right now."
lastchristmas.wav(187K) lastchristmas.mp3(187K) lastchristmas.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Uncle Lewis: "Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogey."
Clark: "Is there anything else I could do for you Uncle Lewis?"
Ellen: "He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas."
Clark: "If he keeps it up, it will be his last Christmas."
ninelives.wav(67K) ninelives.mp3(67K) ninelives.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Eddie: "If that thing had nine lives, she just spent them all."
mytree.wav(124K) mytree.mp3(124K) mytree.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "Lewis? My tree?"
Uncle Lewis: "So, what's the matter with you?"
Clark: "Look what you've done to my tree."
uglytree.wav(57K) uglytree.mp3(57K) uglytree.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Art: "It was an ugly tree anyway."
Uncle Lewis: "At least, it's out of it's misery."
whatisit.wav(255K) whatisit.mp3(255K) whatisit.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "I can't believe it."
Art: "What is it, a letter confirming your reservation at the nut house?"
Calrk: "It's from my company."
Ellen: "Your bonus."
Clark: "My bonus."
Nora: "Open it Clarkie, open it!"
Eddie: "Yeah, I hope it's a fortune Clark."
Clark: "I'll bet you do Eddie."
jellyfothemonth.wav(432K) jellyfothemonth.mp3(432K) jellyfothemonth.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Ellen: "Clark, what's wrong? It's bigger than you expected? Smaller? What is it?"
Clark: "It's a one year membership in the jelly of the month club."
Eddie: "Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year."
myboss.wav(828K) myboss.mp3(828K) myboss.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "If this isn't the biggest bag over the head, punch in the face I ever got. bleep damnit!"
Clark Sr.: "Son."
Clark: "(He tears up the Jelly of the month club membership aand drinks so egg nog.) That's good. That's good. That's good. Hey, if any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here, tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head. And, I want to look him strait in the eye and tell him: what a cheap, lyiny, no good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey bleep he is! Hallelujah! Holy bleep! Where's the Tylenol?"
crazedlook.wav(88K) crazedlook.mp3(88K) crazedlook.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Audrey: "He's got that crazed look in his eye."
Russ: "I told you we should have gone to Hawaii."
Ellen: "Turn that thing off and get in the house!"
youknowdad.wav(75K) youknowdad.mp3(75K) youknowdad.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Russ: "You know dad, I've been thinking. (Clark turns the chainsaw blade toward him.) Good talk dad."
newtree.wav(148K) newtree.mp3(148K) newtree.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Margo: "Aren't you the tiniest bit sorry we didn't get a Christmas tree. I mean, even though they're dirty and messy and corny and cliche."
Todd: "Well, where are you going to find a tree at this hour on Christmas eve? (As the new Griswold family Christmas tree comes crashing through their window.)"
neededatree.wav(406K) neededatree.mp3(406K) neededatree.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "What's the matter?"
Ellen: "Was that really necessary?"
Clark: "We needed a tree."
Ellen: "May I remind you that..."
Clark: "That this was all my idea? No, no, no. I'm well aware of that honey."
Ellen: "Well' could you just keep it in mind the next time you go berzerk?"
Clark: "I didn't go berzerk. I simply solved a problem. We needed a coffin... I mead a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas eve. Lewis burned down my tree. So, I replaced it as best I could. Viola!"
Ellen: "Are you okay?"
Clark: "I'm fine honey."
newelpost.wav(230K) newelpost.mp3(230K) newelpost.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "(While whistling Joy to the World Clark notices the newelpost is loose. So, he cuts it off with the chainsaw.) Fixed the newelpost!"
thatsound.wav(169K) thatsound.mp3(169K) thatsound.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Aunt Bethany: "What's that sound? Do you hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound."
Uncle Lewis: "You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant."
whereseddie.wav(97K) whereseddie.mp3(97K) whereseddie.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "Where's Eddie? He usually eats these bleepdamn things."
Cathrine: "Oh, not recently Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol."
Clark: "Thank you Cathrine."
squirrel.wav(45K) squirrel.mp3(45K) squirrel.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark Sr.: "Squirrel!"
youregoing.wav(525K) youregoing.mp3(525K) youregoing.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun old fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're going to press on, and we're going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny bleeping Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's going to find the jolliest bunch of bleepholes this side of the nut house."
Art: "You're Goofy."
Clark: "Don't piss me off Art."
Ellen: "Clark? It's over."
Clark: "Not according to Santa's watch it isn't."
Clark Sr.: "Clark now, come on son."
Clark: "Stay out of this Dad."
Ellen: "Clark, I think it's best if everyone just goes home, before things get worse."
Clark: "Worse? How could they get any worse? Take a look around you Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell!"
jackdaniels.wav(290K) jackdaniels.mp3(290K) jackdaniels.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark Sr.: "In years to come, you'll want your children and your family to remember all the love you gave us, and how hard you tried to make the perfect Christmas."
Clark: "I just..."
Clark Sr.: "You just cocked it up. It's okay, it happens."
Clark: "All our holidays were such a mess."
Clark Sr.: "Oh yeah."
Clark: "How did you get through it?"
Clark Sr.: "I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels."
whatthe.wav(438K) whatthe.mp3(438K) whatthe.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads. And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap. When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow, gave a luster of midday to objects below. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh and... And Eddie with a man with a man in his pajamas with a dog chain tied to his wrists and ankles. What the...?"
hohoho.wav(81K) hohoho.mp3(81K) hohoho.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Eddie: "Ho ho ho, merry Christmas Clark. You about ready to do some kissing? Huh?"
abducted.wav(151K) abducted.mp3(151K) abducted.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Mrs. Helen Shirley (Natalia Nogulich): "Yes officer, it seams my husband has been abducted. The man was was wearing a blue leisure suit. And the plates were from Kansas I... He was a huge, beastly, bulging man and..."
kidnapping.wav(56K) kidnapping.mp3(56K) kidnapping.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Mr. Shirley: "I have never been treated like this in my life."
Ellen: "I'm sorry, this is our family's first kidnapping."
myidea.wav(155K) myidea.mp3(155K) myidea.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Mr. Shirley: "You're fired. And where's the phone, I'm calling the police."
Eddie: "Now, just hold your wad there fella. Clark had nothing to do with this. This here was my idea."
Mr. Shirley: "Alright, he's still fired, and you are going to jail."
myfault.wav(570K) myfault.mp3(570K) myfault.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "Oh, no. Eddie, it was my fault. Ilost my temper when I got my bonus, and I... I guess I said some things I shouldn't have."
Mr. Shirley: "Bonus? How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year."
Clark: "Yeah, thanks for telling us. I was expecting a check. Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. Seventeen years with the company. I've gotten a bonus every year but this one. You don't want to give bonuses, fine! But when people count on them as port of their salary, well, whan you did just plain..."
Clark: "Thank you Russ. My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain..."
Eddie: "I appreciate that Clark."
Clark: "... is innocent. I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this, on behalf of myself and on behalf of every other employee you rear-ended this Christmos."
20percent.wav(471K) 20percent.mp3(471K) 20percent.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Mr. Shirley: "Look, uh, sometimes things look good on paper, but lose their luster when you see how it affects real folks. I guess a healthy bottom line doesn't mean much, if to get it you have to hurt the ones you depend on. It's people that make the difference, little people like you. So, Carl, whatever you got last year, add 20 percent."
Everybody: "(Gasping with excitement.)"
Clark: "(Passes out.)"
swatteam.wav(132K) swatteam.mp3(132K) swatteam.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Police: "(Knocking at the door.)"
Margo: "Go away Todd."
Police: "(Knocking louder at the door.)"
Margo: "If you want in, you are going to have break down the bleepdamn door!"
Police: "(They break down the door.)"
prettylow.wav(194K) prettylow.mp3(194K) prettylow.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Mr. Shirley: "Remember how I was toying with the idea of suspending the Christmas bonuses?"
Mrs. Shirley: "You didn't. Well, of all the cheap lousy ways to save a buck."
Swat Commander (Alexander Folk): "That's pretty low mister. If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you into a..."
Mr. Shirley: "I changed my mind. I'm reenstating all the bonuses."
christmasstar.wav(294K) christmasstar.mp3(294K) christmasstar.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "It's the Christmas star, and that's all that matters tonight. Not bonuses, or gifts, or turkeys or trees. See kids, it means something different to everybody, and now I know what it means to me."
Uncle Lewis: "That ain't the firggen Christmas star Gris. It's a light on the sewage treatment plant."
playball.wav(439K) playball.mp3(439K) playball.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Aunt Bethany: "And the rockets red glare. The bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night, that our flag was still there."
Everybody: "Oh say does that star spangled banner yet wave. O'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave!"
Aunt Bethany: "Play ball!"
ididit.wav(24K) ididit.mp3(24K) ididit.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clark: "I did it."