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Soundtrack: "(A short clip from "Religious Man (I am I am)" by Mister Loco)"

Soundtrack: "(Another short clip from "Religious Man (I am I am)" by Mister Loco)"

Nacho (Jack Black): "Anyways, I was wondering if you would like to join me in my quarters this night for some toast."

Soundtrack: "(A short clip from Mucha Muchacha by Juan Garcia Esquivel)"

Nacho: "Thank you for coming here today. This man lived a good life. He had a wonderful woman, a lush garden, and... a collection of Russian nesting dolls. May he rest in peace. (The old man pulls the blanket off his face and the coins fall off his eyes. Then Nacho gasps in fear.)"

Nacho: "Mm, good toast."

Nacho: "My mother was a Lutheran missionary from Scandinavia and my father, a deacon from Mexico. They tried to convert each other, but they got married instead. And then they died."

Nacho: "So anyways, let's get down to the nitty gritty."

Nacho: "Who is this Encarnación?"
Sister Encarnación (Ana de la Reguera): "Well, my favorite color is light tan. My favorite animal is puppies. I like serving the Lord, hiking, play volleyball..."
Nacho: "You gotta be kidding me. Everything you just said is my favorite thing to do every day."

Nacho: "And they don't think I know a bunch of crap about the Gospel, but I do."

Señor Ramon (Enrique Muñoz): "What is this?"
Nacho: "Leftovers, enjoy."
Señor Ramon: "There is no flavor. There are no spices. Where are the chips?"
Nacho: "Somebody stole them."
Señor Ramon: "Did you not tell them that they were the Lord's chips?"

Elderly Monk (Rafael Montalvo): "This is the worst lunch I ever had."
Señor Ramon: "Your only job is to cook. Do you not realize I have had diarrhea since Easters?"
Nacho: "Okay. Maybe I am not meant for these duties. Cooking duty. Dead guy... duty. Maybe it's time for me to get a better duty."

Nacho: "Mucho take it easy! I need your help."

Nacho: "Listen to me! Today, I have the chance of a lifetime, but first I need a man."
Esqueleto (Héctor Jiménez): "Get off me! (He slaps him)"

Nacho: "Don't you want a little taste of the glory? See what it tastes like?"
Esqueleto: "No!"

Nacho: "Anaconda squeeze!"

Nacho: "Do you remember that one time when everyone was shouting my name and I used my strength to rip my blouse?"
Esqueleto: "Yeah. And I saw them knock you unconscious, alright?"

Nacho: "Chancho. When you are a man sometimes you wear stretchy pants in your room. It's for fun."

Nacho: "I'm a little concerned right now about your salvation and stuff."

Soundtrack: "(A clip of "Bubblegum" performed by Mister Loco)"

Nacho: "Okay, orphans, listen to me. Listen to Ignacio. I know it is fun to wrestle. A nice pile-drive to the face, or a punch to the face, but you cannot do it. Because it is in the Bible not to wrestle your neighbor."
Chancho (Darius Rose): "So you've never wrestled?"
Nacho: "Me? No, come on. Don't be crazy. Listen, I know the wrestlers get all the fancy ladies, the clothes, and the free creams and lotions, but my life is good. Really good. I get to wake up every morning at 5:00 a.m. and make some soup. It's the best. I love it. I get to lay in a bed by myself all of my life. It's fantastic."

Nacho: "Okay, orphans, listen to me. Listen to Ignacio. I know it is fun to wrestle. A nice pile-drive to the face, or a punch to the face, but you cannot do it. Because it is in the Bible not to wrestle your neighbor."

Nacho: "Listen, I know the wrestlers get all the fancy ladies, the clothes, and the free creams and lotions, but my life is good. Really good. I get to wake up every morning at 5:00 a.m. and make some soup. It's the best. I love it. I get to lay in a bed by myself all of my life. It's fantastic."

Nacho: "My life is good. Really good."

Nacho: "Go. Go away! Read some books!"

Sister Encarnación: "Where is your robe, Ignacio? "
Nacho: "It was stinky. But these are my recreation clothes."

Nacho: "Beneath the clothes, we find a man. And beneath a man we find his nucleus."
Sister Encarnación: "Nucleus?"
Nacho: "Yes."

Nacho: "Okay. You ready? You messed with the wrong guy this time. You ever seen these moves? Huh? You see these moves?"

Esqueleto: "Surprise."
Nacho: "Get that corn outta my face!"

Nacho: "I looked like a fool last night! What took you so long?! Phbbbbt!"

Nacho: "I don't want to get paid to lose. I wanna win!"

Nacho: "Over there in the tree is a chipmunk nest. Here we have the corn. The best in the city. It's delicious. That is where I get the day-old chips, over in a secret place. And that is a crazy lady. So now you got a little taste of what I do. It's pretty dang exciting, huh?"

Sister Encarnación: "I've been looking for you. Where have you been?"
Nacho: "I've been here. I've been sleeping."
Sister Encarnación: "In a frilly shirt and slacks?"
Nacho: "They are my PJs."

Sister Encarnación: "Can I come in?"
Nacho: "No, people might get the wrong idea about you. Like maybe you are a floozy."

Nacho: "Hey, let go my blouse."

Nacho: "(Singing at the Party)"

Nacho: "Sucks to be me right now!"

Nacho: "I used to really like Ramses. I wanted to become him. But it turns out he's a real douche."

Nacho: "Precious Father, why have you given me this desire to wrestle and then made me such a stinky warrior? Have I focused too much on my boots and all my fame and my stretchy pants?"

Nacho: "I smell cookies."

Elderly Monk: "No. This is forbidden."

Nacho: "Nipple twist!"

Nacho: "You can't win 'em all."

Nacho: "How did you find me here? "
Esqueleto: "I saw you from the village. (He points to the village about fifty yards away.)"

Esqueleto: "Silencio bruised his bunions. They are swollen really hard."

Ramses Trainer (Julio Escalero): "Ramses is the number one. His legs are number one. His eyes are number one. His muscles are number one. Ramses is the number one."

Nacho: "(Nacho singing the Encarnación Song performed by Jack Black)"

Nacho: "High five. (Ramses slaps his hand away) Take it easy."

Soundtrack: "(A clip of "Saint Behind the Glass" performed by Los Lobos")"

Soundtrack: "(A clip of "Papas" performed by Mister Loco)"

Nacho: "(A clip of "Forbidden Nectar" performed by Jack Black)"