All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 11Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).

watchin.wav(155K) watchin.mp3(155K)

Passerby (John Willyung): "What the hell? Excuse me. Who's watching these babies?"
Jay's Mother (Ever Carradine): "Uh, the fat one's watching the little one."
Passerby: "Oh, nice parenting. Leave 'em out here like that and see what happens."
Jay's Mother: "You know what, bleep you, you bleeping square!"
Passerby: "Aw, keep on truckin'."

raiseyou.wav(418K) raiseyou.mp3(418K)

Jay's Mother: "Did you hear the bleeping guy, telling me how to bleeping raise you? Motherbleepec, man. Who does he furcking think he is? What's the worst bleeping thing that could happen to you standing in front of a bleeping store, right? bleep."
Baby Jay (Brian Andrew Saible, voice: Gavin Brooks): "bleep. bleep. bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep."
Jay: "(Singing) bleep. bleep. bleep. Mother, motherbleep, mother, motherbleep, bleep. Motherbleep, motherbleep, noich, noich, noich. 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, noich, noich, noich. Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz. Doin' coke, drinkin' beers. Drinkin' beers, beers, beers. Rollin' fattys, smokin, blunts. Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts. Rollin' blunts and smokin'..."

fifteenbucks.wav(314K) fifteenbucks.mp3(314K)

Teen #1 (Jake Richardson): "Uh, let me get a nickel bag."
Jay: "(Singing) Fifteen bucks, little man. Put that bleep in my hand. If that money doesn't show, then you owe me, owe me, owe. My jungle love, yeah, Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe. I think I wat to know ya, know ya. Yeah, what?"
Teen #1: "What the hell are you singing?"
Jay: "You don't know 'Jungle love'? That bleep is the mad notes. Written by God herself and handed down to the greatest band in the world, the motherbleeping Time."

smoothpimp.wav(73K) smoothpimp.mp3(73K)

Jay: "I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy and Tubby here's my black manservant. What?"

dealing.wav(59K) dealing.mp3(59K)

Randal Graves (Jeff Anderson): "What'd I tell you two about dealing in front of the store? Now drop the kid and peddle your wares someplace else, burn boy."

heretoday.wav(35K) heretoday.mp3(35K)

Quick Stop Customer (Vincent Pereira): "Are you even supposed to be here today?"
Dante Hicks (Brian Christopher O'Halloran): "Don't get me started."

imthebitch.wav(119K) imthebitch.mp3(119K)

Teen #1: "Jay said you guys dat a 'Star Wars' theme wedding and you tied the knot dressed like Stormtroopers."
Teen #2 (Nick Fellinger): "And he says your the bitch, and you're the butch."
Dante: "I'm the bitch?"
Randal: "Well, if we were gay, that's the way I'd se it."
Dante: "Will you shut up?"

wtfserpico.wav(302K) wtfserpico.mp3(302K)

Jay: "Whoa! What the bleep, Serpico? What'd we do?"
Cop (Ernest O'Donnell): "We got a report of two guys hanging around outside a store selling pot."
Jay: "We don't smoke pot, yo."
Cop: "No pot, huh? What you you use this for? (holds up a package of wraps)"
Jay: "What? I have a wiping problem. I stick those little pieces of paper up my brown eye and bam! No bleep stains in my undies. What, you don't believe me? Let me show you. Check this bleep out. Spread my cheaks so that you can see the bleeping stink nuggets."
Cop: "Pull up your bleeping pants, sir, now!"
Jay: "(farts)"

thepulse.wav(71K) thepulse.mp3(71K)

Brodie Bruce (Jason Lee): "Here's the pulse, all right. And this is your finger, far from the pulse, jammed strait up your ass."

pretzel.wav(36K) pretzel.mp3(36K)

Brodie: "Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?"

mirimax.wav(217K) mirimax.mp3(217K)

Jay: "When the hell did this happen?"
Brodie: "Well, after 'X-Men' hit at the box office all the studios started buying up every comic property they could get their dirty little hands on. Miramax optioned 'Bluntman and Chronic'."
Jay: "Miramax? I thought they onli made classy pictures like 'The Piano' or 'The Crying Game'."
Brodie: "Yeah, well, once they made 'She's All That', everything went to hell."

getpaid.wav(31K) getpaid.mp3(31K)

Jay: "Shit yeah, we gots to get paid."

matmatmat.wav(102K) matmatmat.mp3(102K)

Jay: "Mat mat mat."
Brodie: "L-l-lum."
Jay: "Mat mat mat."
Brodie: "Lip la.."
Jay: "Mat mat mat."
Brodie: "L-l-lum."
Jay: "Mat mat meaou."
Brodie: "Ma ma ma, ma ma-ma ma."

marose.wav(124K) marose.mp3(124K)

Holden McNeil (Ben Affleck): "Well, look at these marose motherbleepers right here. Smells like somebody bleep in their cereal. Bung! That was good. Come on in."

merchants.wav(88K) merchants.mp3(88K)

Holden: "So, what brings you two dirt merchants to my neck of the woods?"
Jay: "Oh, I'll tell you what our necks are doing in your woods. Where's our motherbleeping movie check?"

likethat.wav(23K) likethat.mp3(23K)

Jay: "Why the bleep would you do a thing like that?"

whenlord.wav(376K) whenlord.mp3(376K)

Holden: "Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preocupation is weed and dick and fart jokes? I mean, you got to grow, man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into his sorry doe eyes, and I just... I see a man crying out. He's crying out 'When, Lord? When the bleep can your servant ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl? bleep! When, Lord, when? When's gonna be my time?"

thebuzz.wav(277K) thebuzz.mp3(277K)

Jay: "I'm the chucklehead? You're the bleeping dumb-ass who gave your comic away, and now you don't get no bleeping movie check, neither."
Holden: "Well, when you're right, you're right. I wish I held onto a little piece of that thing, 'cause if the buzz is any indicator, that movie's going to make some huge bank."
Jay: "What buzz?"
Holden: "The internet buzz?"
Jay: "What the bleep is the internet?"
Holden: "The internet is a communications tool used the world over, where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another."

theinternet.wav(24K) theinternet.mp3(24K)

Jay: "What the bleep is the internet?"

pornography.wav(69K) pornography.mp3(69K)

Holden: "The internet is a communications tool used the world over, where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another."

poopshoot.wav(24K) poopshoot.mp3(24K)

Jay: "Poop shoot, yeah."

moviebuffs.wav(156K) moviebuffs.mp3(156K)

Holden: "This is a site populated by militant movie buffs: sad, pathetic little bastards livind in their parents' basement downloadind scripts and what they think is inside information about movies and actors they claim to despise yet can't stop discussing."

phantoms.wav(301K) phantoms.mp3(301K)

Holden: "Inside sources tell me Mirimax is starting production this Friday on their adaptation of underground comic fave 'Bluntman and Chronic'."
Jay: "Friday? Shit, does it say who's bleepin' playing us in the movie? "
Holden: "No, but it's Miramax, so I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. You know, they put them in a bunch of movies."
Jay: "Who?"
Holden: "You know, those kids from 'Good Will Hunting'."
Jay: "You mean that bleeping movie with Mork from Ork in it?"
Holden: "Yeah, I wasn't a big fan, either, but Affleck was the bomb in 'Phantoms'."
Jay: "Word, bitch. 'Phantoms' like a motherbleeper!"
Holden: "What's up now?"

uptheir.wav(227K) uptheir.mp3(227K)

Holden: "This is entitled 'bleep Them Up Their Stupid Asses'. 'Bluntman and Chronic' is the worst comic I ever read. Jay and Silent Bob are stupid characters, a couple of stoners who spout dumb-ass catch phrases like a third rate Cheach and Chong or Bill and Ted. bleep Jay and Silent Bob. bleep them up their stupid asses."
Jay: "Who the bleep said that bleep?"
Holden: "A guy who calls himself 'Magnolia Fan'."

gonnakill.wav(29K) gonnakill.mp3(29K)

Jay: "I'm gonna kill all these bleeps."

jerkoffs.wav(377K) jerkoffs.mp3(377K)

Jay: "And all these people reading that bleep think the real Jay and Silent Bob are a couple of jerkoffs because of what all these dickheads ar writing about the comic book Jay and Silent Bob. You know, maybe one night me and Lunch Box are out, we're mackin' some chick and bleep, and she's like 'Ooh, I wanna suck youse guys' dicks off.' and she's like, 'What's your names?' and I'm like 'Jay and Silent Bob. Reco'nize.' and she's like, 'Oh, I read on the internet that bleepin' youse guys are a couple of little bleepin' jerkoffs.' and then she goes and sucks two other guys' dicks off instead. Well, bleep that! We gotta put a stop to these bleepin' hateful sons of bitches before they ruin our good names."

toseethat.wav(424K) toseethat.mp3(424K)

Jay: "Well, wait a second. If there wasn't a 'Bluntman and Chronic' movie, then those bleepers wouldn't be saying bleep about Jay and Silent Bob, right?"
Holden: "They're not saying anything about you now. Okay? They're talking about fictional characters. Fictional characters. Am I... Am I getting through to you at all?"
Jay: "So, all we gotta do is go stop the bleepin' movie from gettin' made."
Holden: "Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars that you two would be entitled to in the process. What are you bleeping retarded? I don't think I'm alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. You know, it... a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Who would pay to see that?"

eightdays.wav(157K) eightdays.mp3(157K)

Jay: "So, when's this movie gettin' made?"
Holden: "Uh, they start this Friday."
Jay: "So if today is Tuesday, that gives us... eight days."
Holden: "Uh, three by my coust, but close."
Jay: "Right, my bad."

charginforthebus.wav(66K) charginforthebus.mp3(66K)

Jay: "Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that bleep to school every morning for free?"

doiitallwrong.wav(260K) doiitallwrong.mp3(260K)

Jay: "This sucks balls, man. How come we ain't gettin' no rides?"
Hitchhiker (George Carlin): "'Cause you're doing it all wrong. You gotta give the driver a little incentive."
Jay: "Like how?"
Hitchhiker: "Like this. (Holds up a sign that says 'Will give head for ride.')"
Jay: "Yeah, but what happens when they pick you up and you don't make with the head. Don't they kick your ass to the curb?"
Hitchhiker: "Sure, if you don't make with the head."

mystery.wav(96K) mystery.mp3(96K)

Fred (Marc Blucas) (credited as The Guy): "We've got a mystery to solve."
Shaggy (Matthew James) (credited as The Dude): "The only mystery here is why we take our cues from a dick in a neckerchief."
Fred: "Keep it up beatnik. I'll feed you to the bleepin' dog!"

passedout.wav(111K) passedout.mp3(111K)

Daphne (Carmen Llywellyn) (credited as Redhead Beauty): "I think they passed out."
Fred: "Great. What do we do with them now?"
Shaggy: "Let's cut out their kidneys and sell them to the black market and leave them in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice."

breakfast.wav(33K) breakfast.mp3(33K)

Jay: "Yo, man, I am hungry. Where can we get some breakfast."

theinternet2.wav(33K) theinternet2.mp3(33K)

Jay: "Ooh, check that bleep out, man. The internet."

lickballs.wav(440K) lickballs.mp3(440K)

Jay: "'Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob are gonna lick balls because they both, in fact, lick balls.' Motherbleeper. It's time we wrote something back. Type this bleep down. All you motherbleepers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna bleep your mothers while you watch and cry like little whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Mirimax bleeps who is makin' this movie, we're gonna make them eat our bleep, then bleep out our bleep, and then eat their bleep that's made up of our bleep that we made 'em eat. And then all you motherbleeps are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob. That'll show those bleeps."

protection.wav(95K) protection.mp3(95K)

Justice (Shannon Elizabeth): "Oh, my God. Do you get free refills with that?"
Jay: "Oh, what, this? Uh, no, I use this for protection, you know, so no guys try to grab my bleep or anything."

heterolifemate.wav(37K) heterolifemate.mp3(37K)

Jay: "Hi, I'm Jay, and this is my hetero life mate, Silent Bob."

jayandjustice.wav(69K) jayandjustice.mp3(69K)

Jay: "Jay and Justice sittin' in a tree, F U C K I N G."

filledthecup.wav(24K) filledthecup.mp3(24K)

Jay: "Dude, I think I just filled the cup."

ladiesladies.wav(51K) ladiesladies.mp3(51K)

Jay: "Ladies, ladies, ladies! Jay and Silent Bob aro in the hiz-house!"

juggs.wav(210K) juggs.mp3(210K)

Sissy (Eliza Dushku): "I don't know if that's such a good idea, Jussy."
Jay: "Sure it is, Juggs."
Missy (Jennifer Schwalbach): "Oh, my God. He just called Sissy 'Juggs'."
Chrissy (Ali Larter): "I'm on it."
Justice: "Chrissy, no."
Sissy: "We're in the middle of suburbia, Chrissy. Let's try and act like it."
Jay: "What's with the knife? We having cake or something."
Chrissy: "Shit. He's retarded to boot."
Jay: "Yo, she called you retarded."

honestinjun.wav(31K) honestinjun.mp3(31K)

Justice: "Honest Injun."
Chrissy: "Honest Injun."
Justice: "Shut up."

fastfood.wav(236K) fastfood.mp3(236K)

Jay: "I can't believe fine ass bitches like yourself eat that bleep. Don't you know fast food makes girls fart?"
Brent (Seann William Scott): "Hey, what's all this talk aboun farting?"
Sissy, Missy, Chrissy: "Hi'Brent."
Justice: "(Mockingly under her breathe) Hi, Brent."
Sissy: "This is Brent. He's with us, too."
Chrissy: "Brent, tell these sillies that girls don't fart."
Brent: "Ah, of course they don't. Only skeevy stoners fart."

whatuphomies.wav(12K) whatuphomies.mp3(12K)

Brent: "What up, homies?"

thecount.wav(74K) thecount.mp3(74K)

Brent: "Wow, three guys, four girls. What's the count, boys? Let's rock."

noblerabbit.wav(179K) noblerabbit.mp3(179K)

Brent: "Hey, Mr. Science Guy. Don't spray that aerosol in my eye. For I don... For I... I don't really wanna die. I'm a noble rabbit."

babbling.wav(90K) babbling.mp3(90K)

Jay: "What the bleep are you bitches babbling about?"
Brent: "Hey! Watch the language, little boy. There's females present. Huh."

evensheep.wav(562K) evensheep.mp3(562K)

Jay: "Be honest, yo, you're down with this for the fine ass pussy, right?"
Brent: "I'm down with this because I love animals, stupid."
Jay: "Even sheep?"
Brent: "Of course. Sheep are beautiful creatures."
Jay: "They are beautiful, aren't they?"
Brent: "Oh, God, yes."
Jay: "So that means you'd bleep a sheep, right?"
Brent: "What is your damage, little boy? You got a sick and twisted world perspective."
Jay: "No, you're misunderstanding me, Prince Valiant. I mean, if you were another sheep would you bleep a sheep if you were another sheep?"
Brent: "Oh, since you put it that way, you bet your ass I would."
Jay: "Thought so. Yo, this motherbleeper ain't one of us! He said he'd bleep a sheep!"
Brent: "Wait! No! Ahhhh! Uhhhh!"
Jay: "Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep bleeper?"

trousersnake.wav(134K) trousersnake.mp3(134K)

Jay: "So you like animals, huh?"
Justice: "Sure."
Jay: "That's cool. Even snakes?"
Justice: "Well, you can't exclude an animal just 'cause they're not cuddly. Of course I like snakes."
Jay: "How 'bout trouser snakes?"
Justice: "Ooh, what's a trouser snake?"

overcoat.wav(40K) overcoat.mp3(40K)

Jay: "Yo, baby, you ever had your bleephole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?"

stealamonkey.wav(152K) stealamonkey.mp3(152K)

Jay: "Steal a monkey? Shit, no problem."
Justice: "It's not stealing a monkey. I mean, it's liberating it. It's... Wait a second. Did you say 'no problem'?"
Jay: "Yeah. bleep, we steal monkeys all the time. Right, Lunch Box?"

snoogans.wav(97K) snoogans.mp3(97K)

Jay: "Snoogans."
Justice: "What the heck is that?"
Jay: "What's what?"
Justice: "Snoogans I believe it was."
Jay: "What the bleep do you think it means? It means I'm kiddin'."

sinceiwas7.wav(128K) sinceiwas7.mp3(128K)

Jay: "I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealing the monkey. Stealing the little monk... If I had known that bleep earlier man, I'd been stealing monkeys since I was like seven and bleep."

boobookitty.wav(307K) boobookitty.mp3(307K)

Justice: "You sure you're okay with this?"
Jay: "As sure as I am that you're the hottest bitch I ever seen."
Chrissy: "bleeper!"
Missy: "Easy, tigress."
Jay: "What's twistin' this bitch's tit?"
Justice: "Maybe it's because women don't like to be called bitches, Jay."
Jay: "They don't? How about 'fine piece of ass'?"
Justice: "How about not?"
Jay: "What the bleep am I supposed to call you, then?"
Justice: "Something sweet, you big goof. Something nice."
Jay: "Boo Boo Kitty bleep?"
Justice: "Okay, that's a start."

clitoris.wav(107K) clitoris.mp3(107K)

Sissy: "See, Jussy and I are putting together this documentary for our human sexuality class and we need a male perspective on the clitoris."
Jay: "The female clitoris?"
Sissy: "Uh, yeah."

clitcommander.wav(261K) clitcommander.mp3(261K)

Jay: "I am the master of the clit! Remember this bleepig face. Wherever you see clit, you'll see this bleeping face! I make that bleep work! No one rules the clit like me. Not this little bleep, none of you little bleeps out there. I am the clit commander! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. Ooh, you little bleep. Then I rub my nose..."

goodluck.wav(163K) goodluck.mp3(163K)

Jay: "So, you think I could get a little kiss for good luck? Think I can get a little blow job fro good luck?"
Justice: "No. Go."
Jay: "bleep."

koolaid.wav(23K) koolaid.mp3(23K)

Jay: "Get off my Koolaid, motherbleeper."

youaresogay.wav(15K) youaresogay.mp3(15K)

Justice: "You are so gay."

tranquilizer.wav(73K) tranquilizer.mp3(73K)

Jay: "Whoo! Check this bleep out, Lunch Box, animal tranquilizer. This bleep bleeps you up like percocet."

justice.wav(46K) justice.mp3(46K)

Jay: "Justice!"

juristiction.wav(212K) juristiction.mp3(212K)

Cop #1: "Who the hell are you?"
Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly (Will Ferrell): "Federal Wildlife Marshal. This investigation is now under my juristiction."
Cop #1: "Oh, really? And why is that?"
Willenholly: "Because someone let a whole mess of animals out of their cages, sir."
Cop #1: "We believe that was just a diversionary tactic used to call attention away from the real heist over here at the Diamond Exchance."
Willenholly: "Yeah, right. That's a believable scenario. Sounds likesomething out of a bad movie."

ontheplanet.wav(140K) ontheplanet.mp3(140K)

Willenholly: "Plaschke, Willenholly. Yeah, look, I need you to get me on the national news pronto. Why? Because we may very well be dealing with the two most dangerous men on the planet."

tonsoffun.wav(15K) tonsoffun.mp3(15K)

Jay: "Do something, Tons of Fun."

wavingatus.wav(29K) wavingatus.mp3(29K)

Jay: "Holy bleep, is that thing waving at us?"

supermonkey.wav(44K) supermonkey.mp3(44K)

Jay: "Holy bleep, it understood us. Maybe it's some kind of super monkey."

getmyback.wav(55K) getmyback.mp3(55K)

Jay: "You're my bleepin' bitch. You get my back. Don't go taking this bleepin' chimps's side."

moresupermonkeys.wav(673K) moresupermonkeys.mp3(673K)

Jay: "What if there's more super monkeys up at that lab? Maybe they're making an army of 'em up there. Holy bleep! Maybe it's a conspiracy, like in the X-Files, Roswell style. This little monkey could be the bleepin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race."
Randal: "Aaah!"
Jay: "I this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey, the monkey will spank us."
Dante: "I'm not even supposed to be here today. Aaah!"
Jay: "And after the fall of man, these monkey bleeps will start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh, when only those as super smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry 'You maniacs! Damn youse! bleep damn youse all to hell!' Shit. Not on my watch, motherbleeper. Die, you super monkey bleep!"

spankus.wav(70K) spankus.mp3(70K)

Jay: "I this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey, the monkey will spank us."

damnyouse.wav(92K) damnyouse.mp3(92K)

Jay: "You maniacs! Damn youse! bleep damn youse all to hell!"

thelabia.wav(144K) thelabia.mp3(144K)

Reg Hartner (Jon Stewart): "At this point, what can you tell us about the C.L.I.T?"
Willenholly: "From the intelligence we've been gathering we've discovered that the C.L.I.T. it actually a tiny offshot of the L.A.B.I.A.."
Reg Hartner: "Uh, the Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes movement?"
Willenholly: "Exactly."

restraining.wav(166K) restraining.mp3(166K)

Willenholly: "Now, the two men that you saw in the video, they go by the obvious code names of Jay and Silent Bob. If anyone out there should come across them, or any other C.L.I.T.ies, please exercise extreme caution."
Randal: "See? Told you that restraining order was a good idea."

pressure.wav(114K) pressure.mp3(114K)

Reg Hartner: "What responce do you hope to elicit by putting this kind of pressure on the C.L.I.T.?"
Willenholly: "It's a difficult situation. You don't want to rub the C.L.I.T. the wrong way."
Holden: "Nights like this, I miss dating a lesbian."

stimulation.wav(48K) stimulation.mp3(48K)

Willenholly: "Citizens of Utah, stimulation of the C.L.I.T. is not recommended."

twister.wav(71K) twister.mp3(71K)

Chrissy: "The only thing I regret is not gutting that little trout mouthed prick like a fish and playing twoster with his vitals."

girlstuff.wav(181K) girlstuff.mp3(181K)

Sissy: "You know, I don't get you, Justice. You used to be all about this girl stuff, stealing, boning, blowing bleep up, and now you're like his little priss with a conscience. It's really a bleeping drag."
Justice: "We all gotta grow up sometime."
Sissy: "Oh, if moping around over some boy you're crushing on is growing up, then pass me my Wonder Woman Underoos. Ow!"

sicilian.wav(120K) sicilian.mp3(120K)

Pizza Delivery Guy (Joe Quesada): "You the gals that ordered the pizza?"
Sissy: "This dopey bitch ordered a large plain but I could go for some hot thick Sicilian."
Pizza Delivery Guy: "No charge, lady."
Sissy: "Hurry. (barks)"

fthepolice.wav(62K) fthepolice.mp3(62K)

Jay: "bleep the police. bleep, bleep, bleep the police. Yo, yo, bleep the police. bleep, bleep, bleep the police. Yo, bleep, 'em."

surrenderthe.wav(140K) surrenderthe.mp3(140K)

Sheriff (Judd Nelson): "This is the Utah State Police. Boys, we know you're in there. Come on out with your hands in the air and surrender the orangutan."
Jay: "You think they're talking about us?"

themonkey.wav(170K) themonkey.mp3(170K)

Willenholly: "Sorry. Don't shoot. Hold your fire."
Sheriff: "Who the hell are you?"
Willenholly: "Federal Wildlife Marshal. Is the monkey in there?"
Sheriff: "The ape."
Willenholly: "What?"
Sheriff: "Orangutan's a member of the great ape family. It's not a monkey."
Willenholly: "Look, who's the Federal Wildlife Marshal here? Me or you?"

openfire.wav(289K) openfire.mp3(289K)

Willenholly: "Jay and Silent Bob, your C.L.I.T. doesn't stand a chance. Anyone not harboring a fugitive monkey in there should hit the deck. We are going to open fire."
Jay: "What the bleep are you waiting for? Get out there and give him the monkey. Look, man, bleepin' maybe it ain't so bad up at that lab. Maybe they experement on 'em by makineg 'em bleep a bunch of different good lookin' monkeys. We don't know. You stay out of this, you weepy little chimp."

weregay.wav(507K) weregay.mp3(507K)

Jay: "Do not shoot. Don't shoot! We're just, uh, trying to take our son out of this hostile environment."
Sheriff: "Their son?"
Willenholly: "Maybe they're one of those gay couples."
Jay: "Yeah, we're gay and this is our adopted love child. We're not from around here. Don't make us go back to ur liberal city home with tails of prejudice and bigotry from in the heart of Utah."
Willenholly: "Oh, God, this is the last thing I need, a bunch of uppity homosekuals shooting their mouths off to the liberal media that the Federal Wildlife Marshal office persecutes gays."
Jay: "Are you bleepin' crazy? Now, they may be gay but that's not their son. That's the ape."
Willenholly: "I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, okay? And the only thing I do recognize right now is a political fiasco here that I am about to avoid by letting this butt bleeping Brady Bunch go."

familyunit.wav(415K) familyunit.mp3(415K)

Willenholly: "You are free to leave, sirs. Yes, you sirs."
Jay: "So we can just go?"
Willenholly: "Yes, sir. Please accept my apologies for detaining you and your unorthodox but constitutionally protected family unit."
Sheriff: "Un-bleepin'-believable."
Jay: "I might add that's one fine looking boy you're raising there."
Willenholly: "Hell, yeah. That's 'cause he's from my sperm. See, I knocked up this hot woman friend of ours, who I bleep on the side, so not to be all the way gay. But, my tubby husband here, he's 100% queer. He loves the cock."
Jay: "Well, he certainly looks insatiable. Bye-bye."
Willenholly: "Bye-bye."

happyfamily.wav(37K) happyfamily.mp3(37K)

Willenholly: "Well, it's not my way but I'll be damned if there doesn't go one happy family."

wasthem.wav(83K) wasthem.mp3(83K)

Willenholly: "All right, gang, let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner and then when the guys come out with the monkey we'll... bleep beans! That was them, wasn't it."

craftiest.wav(59K) craftiest.mp3(59K)

Jay: "Shit, I said you love the cock. I gotta be the craftiest motherbleeper alive."

fleefatass.wav(19K) fleefatass.mp3(19K)

Jay: "Flee, Fat Ass, flee!"

youfatBLEEP.wav(17K) youfatBLEEP.mp3(17K)

Jay: "You fat bleep!"

bulbousass.wav(30K) bulbousass.mp3(30K)

Willenholly: "Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass!"

rectalbreach.wav(23K) rectalbreach.mp3(23K)

Sheriff: "One rectal breach coming up."

daringescape.wav(44K) daringescape.mp3(44K)

Willenholly: "Wow, that was just an incredibly daring escape."

cornhole.wav(82K) cornhole.mp3(82K)

Sheriff: "bleep this bleephole. Let's go back to the station house and cornhole us a drunk."
Deputies: "Yeah."

againstus.wav(41K) againstus.mp3(41K)

Jay: "The whole bleepin' world's agaist us, dude, I swear to God!"

yourhandsup.wav(29K) yourhandsup.mp3(29K)

Willenholly: "Put the monkey down, and your hands up."

texaspete.wav(34K) texaspete.mp3(34K)

Willenholly: "On your knees, Texas Pete. Let's go."

guysaregood.wav(50K) guysaregood.mp3(50K)

Willenholly: "Wow! These guys are good, very good."

heylawdog.wav(78K) heylawdog.mp3(78K)

Jay: "Hey, law dog!"
Willenholly: "Hey."
Jay: "See you in hell, cock smoker!"

belongtoyou.wav(34K) belongtoyou.mp3(34K)

Jay: "Hey! That monkey don't belong to you!"

stealsamonkey.wav(26K) stealsamonkey.mp3(26K)

Jay: "Man, who the bleep just steals a monkey?"

herpants.wav(113K) herpants.mp3(113K)

Jay: "Well, this bleepin' blows, man. We have one more day to stop these bleeps from shooting this movie and they bleepin' took the one thing I had left from the one woman I loved enough not to stick my hand down her pants."

thesign.wav(535K) thesign.mp3(535K)

Jay: "What, go after the monkey? How the bleep do we know where that car's going? Don't just point like... Wh... you gotta take a bleep. No, no, no, you gotta take a salad. What the bleep aro you trying to say? Just say it, man. Don't make me ask twenty questions. You could always tell that stupid Amy story all the time, but you can't spit out bleepin' 'Yo, Jay, I disagree.' or 'Yo, those are some good cheese fries.'. Just bleepin' say it already!"
Silent Bob (Kevin Smith): "The sign on the back of the car said 'Critters of Hollywood', you dumb bleep!"
Jay: "Say it, don't spray it."

balllickers.wav(220K) balllickers.mp3(220K)

Sheriff: "Your office faxed this over. Now the guy said it was a post from an internet chat board signed by a Jay and Silent Bob."
Willenholly: "All you motherbleepers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are ball-lickers. Gonna bleep your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches... Once we get to Hollywood..."

onthejob.wav(329K) onthejob.mp3(329K)

Pumpkin Escobar (Tracy Morgan): "Crack? Want some crack? Get you high?"
Jay: "No, man, but you want some weed?"
Pumpkin Escobar: "You on the job?"
Jay: "Yeah, boy! Jersey Local 404."
Pumpkin Escobar: "Ho, ho, man! Pumpkin Escobar, Los Angeles Local 305."
Jay: "Oh, bleep! What up?"
Pumpkin Escobar: "Aw, man, it's a small world! Hey, lemme ask you a question. You dudes gettin' medical out in Jersey yet?"
Jay: "Shit, no. We might have to strike in September."
Pumpkin Escobar: "Aw, man. Norma Rae lie a motherbleeper, huh?"

littleboy.wav(388K) littleboy.mp3(388K)

Jay: "Yo, maybe you can help us out. You know where they're shootin' a movie around here?"
Pumpkin Escobar: "You askin' me a question like that in Hollywierd, man? You got to come a little bit more specific than that."
Jay: "It's a Mirimax flick. We gotta bust it up so people stop callin' us names on the internet even though they're not really talkin' about us but characters based on us. And at the same time, find my ex-girlfriend who was killed in a car explosion's monkey."
Pumpkin Escobar: "Man, I don't know what the bleep you just said, little kid, but you special, man. You reached out, and touched a brothers' heart. So I'm gonna give you some directions. Gimme the map, Scott. Gimme the map, Scott!"

mirimax2.wav(73K) mirimax2.mp3(73K)

Jay: "You know where Mirimax is at?"
Pumpkin Escobar: "Mirimax? Mirimax accounts for 78% of my business out here!"

expletivedeleted.wav(307K) expletivedeleted.mp3(307K)

Jules Asner (Herself): "In a posting pulled off of Moviepoopshoot.com the gruesome twesome threatened, and I quote: 'Once we get to Hollywood and find those Mirimax --expletive deleted-- who are making the 'Bluntman and Chronic' movie we're gonna make them eat our --expletive deleted-- then --expletive deleted-- out our --expletive deleted-- then eat their --expletive deleted-- which is made up of our --expletive deleted-- that we made them eat.' Unquote. So far we've been unable to get a statement from onybody here at the studio."

haveapass.wav(27K) haveapass.mp3(27K)

Miramax Security Guard Gordon (Diedrich Bader): "Hey, you don't have a pass!"

10071082.wav(146K) 10071082.mp3(146K)

Security Guard Gordon: "Echo Base, I've got a 10-07' two unauthorized on the lot, requesting backup."
Echo Base Security Guard: "I thought that was a 10-82."
Security Guard Gordon: "No, sir, a 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer."
Echo Base Security Guard: "Ooh, that Affleck. Backup on the way."

allright.wav(172K) allright.mp3(172K)

Jay: "Hey, I'll make you a deal. This guy will suck your dick off if you let us go."
Security Guard Gordon: "Contrary to what you believe, not everyone in the inustry is a homosexual."
Jay: "How about this deal? He'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk off."
Security Guard Gordon: "All right."

strartsuckin.wav(57K) strartsuckin.mp3(57K)

Jay: "What the bleep you waitin' for, bitch? Start suckin'! Bong...ing!"

intheeyes.wav(106K) intheeyes.mp3(106K)

GWH2 Assistant Director (Scott Mosier): "All right, now, remember what I said. Do not look at Ben or Matt directly in the eyes or you will be fired. Does everybody understand that? Thank you."

lionface.wav(87K) lionface.mp3(87K)

Ben Affleck (as himself): "Lips, teath, tongue, or lion face?"
Matt Damon (as himself): "Lion face. Lion face."
Both: "Ha!"
Matt Damon: "Lemon face."
Both: "Ooh."
Matt Damon (as himself): "Lion face."
Both: "Ha!"
Matt Damon: "Lemon face."
Both: "Ooh."
Ben Affleck: "Break it down."

moviestheyrein.wav(352K) moviestheyrein.mp3(352K)

Ben Affleck: "What, you're the director now?"
Matt Damon: "Hey, shove it, 'Bounce' boy. Let's remember who talked who into doin this bleep in the first place. I mean, talking me into 'Dogma' is one thing, but this is..."
Ben Affleck: "Look, you know, I'm sorry I dragged you away from whatever gay serial killers who ride horses and like to play golf touchy feely picture you're gonna do this week."
Matt Damon: "I take it you haven't seen 'Forces of Nature'."
Ben Affleck: "You're like a child. What do I keep telling you? You gotta do the safe picture, then you do the art picture. Then sometimes you gotta do the payback picture 'cause your friend says you owe him. (both look at the camera) Then sometimes you gotta go back to the well."
Matt Damon: "Yeah, and sometimes you do 'Reindeer Games'."
Ben Affleck: "SEe, that's just mean."

prettyfunny.wav(113K) prettyfunny.mp3(113K)

GWH2 Assistant Director: "Little kid, you're here and you're buddy's right here. You just stand there and react and don't say anything, especially you. All right. people..."
Jay: "That's pretty funny."

themapples.wav(37K) themapples.mp3(37K)

Ben Affleck (Playing Chuckie): "I don't like the sound of them apples, Will. What are we gonna do?"

applesauce.wav(17K) applesauce.mp3(17K)

Ben Affleck (Playing Chuckie): "Apple sauce, bitch."

ahooker.wav(106K) ahooker.mp3(106K)

Security Guard Gordon: "Sorry to interrupt, sirs, but we've got a 10-07 on our hands."
Matt Damon: "Oh, jesus, again, Ben?"
Ben Affleck: "No, bullbleep. 'Cause I wasn't with a hooker today. Ha Ha!"

thebombin.wav(29K) thebombin.mp3(29K)

Jay: "Affleck, you the bomb in 'Phantoms', yo!"

mirimaxcut.wav(20K) mirimaxcut.mp3(20K)

Shannen Doherty (herself): "bleeping Mirimax. Cut!"

lovemonkeys.wav(98K) lovemonkeys.mp3(98K)

Wes Craven: "Shannen, usually I say cut."
Shannen Doherty: "A monkey, Wes? I mean, jesus, you guys aren't even trying anymore, are you?"
Wes Craven: "What, the market research says people love monkeys."

inapie.wav(182K) inapie.mp3(182K)

Jay: "Hey, wait a second. Aren't you that guy that bleeped the pie?"
Jason Biggs (himself): "You see, man? You see? It's never... in's never 'Hey, hey, you were in Loser, weren't you?' or 'Dude, you rocked in Boys and Girls.'. NO, it always comes back to that bleepin' pie. I'm haunted by it!"
James Van Der Beek (himself): "You put your dick in a pie."
Jason Biggs: "Enough!"

thedawson.wav(150K) thedawson.mp3(150K)

Jay: "Holy bleep, you're the Dawson."
James Van Der Beek: "James, actually. James Van Der Beek."
Jay: "What's up with Pacey stealing Joey away from you? And if I was you, I would've drowneded his ass in the creek and bleep."
James Van Der Beek: "You actually watch that show?"
Jay: "Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine."

gayhuddle.wav(249K) gayhuddle.mp3(249K)

Jason Biggs: "Wh... What's with the weird gay huddle going on over there?"
James Van Der Beek: "Gay? What's gay about it? It's two guys talking in a corner, dude."
Jason Biggs: "Yeah, but..."
James Van Der Beek: "Why... why are you such a homophobe?"
Jason Biggs: "A homophobe?"
James Van Der Beek: "You're always like, 'Oh, that's gay man. Oh, look at that gay huddle. Look at that gay dog.'. It's like..."
Jason Biggs: "Dude, that is so gay. I..."
James Van Der Beek: "Yeah, see?"
Jason Biggs: "I love gay people, okay?"
James Van Der Beek: "I'm sure you do. Which is why you're a homophobe."
Jason Biggs: "I'm fine with gay... Oh, look at the monkey!"
James Van Der Beek: "Next you're gonna tell me the monkey's gay."
Jason Biggs: "How do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole, huh?"

funkymonkey.wav(23K) funkymonkey.mp3(23K)

Jay: "That's one funky monkey."

hostage.wav(217K) hostage.mp3(217K)

Security Guard Gordon: "Do they have you held hostage? Do you want us to call your publicists?"
Jay: "NO, uh, we kicked those guys' asses bad. Real bad!"
Security Guard Gordon: "Well, great job, sirs. If you let us in we'll take over from here."
Jay: "Um, no, me and Jason Biggs are naked in here... butt naked, together."
Security Guard Gordon: "Oh, okay. Well, we'll wait out here till you clean up."

recognize.wav(175K) recognize.mp3(175K)

James Van Der Beek: "You've got the wrong guys! Doesn't anybody watch the WB? I'm a teen idol, damn it!"
Jason Biggs: "Don't you recognize me? Look at me! I'm the pie bleeper!"
Security Guard Gordon: "Yeah, well, in prison, he'll be the pie."

boogers.wav(495K) boogers.mp3(495K)

Chaka Luther King (Chris Rock): "Look at all these crackers. $70 million, I can't even get a black grip. It's a shame. It's a damn shame."
Chaka's Production Assistant (Jamie Kennedy): "Here's your coffee, sir."
Chaka Luther King: "You spit in this?"
Chaka's Production Assistant: "I didn't spit in it, sir."
Chaka Luther King: "Any boogers in it?"
Chaka's Production Assistant: "There's no boogers in it, sir."
Chaka Luther King: "You went to film school, didn't you? It must piss you off to see a black man running a big old production like this, huh? You went to film school. Does your daddy know that you give a nigger his coffee? It would kill him, wouldn't it?"
Chaka's Production Assistant: "There's no boogers in it, sir."
Chaka Luther King: "Then taste it. Taste it! Taste the booger flavor. I know it's in there."
Chaka's Production Assistant: "It's all good, sir."
Chaka Luther King: "NO it ain't all good! Now clean that bleep up. That's right. Get me a white boy. Get me a blonde hair white boy, so I can enjoy that bleep."
Chaka's Production Assistant: "You the man, sir."
Chaka Luther King: "No, you the man, and that's the problem."

decrackernated.wav(173K) decrackernated.mp3(173K)

Banky Edwards (Jason Lee): "Uh, Chaka? Yeah, Hi, I'm Banky Edwards, the creator of 'Bluntman and Chronic'. We met a few weeks back. I'm the executive producer."
Chaka Luther King: "Oh, you the executive producer! Why don't you executive produce me a latte, decrackernated, okay, bleepy?"
Banky: "Uh, it's Banky."
Chaka Luther King: "No' it is bleepy."

youatracer.wav(192K) youatracer.mp3(192K)

Banky: "I just want you to know that I respect your work as an artist. I'm something of an artist myself. I... I was the inker on the comic book."
Chaka Luther King: "Yo, man, you a tracer, okay? Nobody else got the heart to tell you. You trace. You go around the lines. You are a tracer, okay? You think Fat Albert had a tracer? No! Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a roller, and it was excellent!"

thestars.wav(21K) thestars.mp3(21K)

Chaka Luther King: "Where are the stars of this peice of bleep?"

whotheBLEEP.wav(12K) whotheBLEEP.mp3(12K)

Jay: "Who the bleep are you?"

sesamestreet.wav(183K) sesamestreet.mp3(183K)

Chaka Luther King: "I'm takin' it back for the black man to mak up for all the bleep that you motherbleepers are takin' from us. Do you know that I came up with the idea for 'Sesame Street'? I came up with it before PBS. The whit man stole it. That's right. I was gonna call it 'N.W.P.', 'Niggas With Puppets'. Catchy, ain't it?"

directus.wav(248K) directus.mp3(248K)

Jay: "Wait a second. Aren't you gonna direct us?"
Chaka Luther King: "Man, I will direct you to the unemployment line if you don't stop backtalking me, okay, cracker?"
Jay: "We don't know what we're doing. We didn't read the script."
Chaka Luther King: "Hey, it ain't that hard, man. I film the motherbleeper, right? Then I yell 'Cut'. Then I run the bleep out of here, go to my trailer, 'cause I got more white girls in there than the first lifeboat on the Titanic and they all want a part in my movie and I got just the part for 'em."

markhamill.wav(213K) markhamill.mp3(213K)

Mark Hamill (himself): "(playing Cock Knocker) You thought I'd never find your precious Blunt-cave, did you, Hempknight? But now, you and your sidekick are finally in the grasp of Cock Knocker!"

cockknocker.wav(142K) cockknocker.mp3(142K)

Jay: "Why do they call you Cock Knocker?"
Mark Hamill: "(playing Cock Knocker) Actually there's a funny story behind that. Y