All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 22Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).
humanevolution.wav(1121K) humanevolution.mp3(509K) humanevolution.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Narrator (Earl Mann): "As the 21st century began, human evolution was at a turning point. Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest, the fastest produced in greater numbers than the rest. A process which had once favored the noblest traits of man, now began to favor different traits. Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized and more intelligent. But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. A dumbing down. How did this happen? Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. With no natural predators to thin the herd it began to reward those who reproduced the most and left the intelligent to become an endangered species."
thatsmyboy.wav(171K) thatsmyboy.mp3(78K) thatsmyboy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Clevon Jr. (Wes Davis): "Yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna bleep all y'all!"
Clevon (Ryan Ransdell): "That's my boy!"
Clevon Jr.: "Whoo! Whoo!"
handsoffmyjunk.wav(355K) handsoffmyjunk.mp3(161K) handsoffmyjunk.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Doctor - with Trashy Guy (Mitch Baker): "Clevon is lucky to be alive. He attempted to jump a Jet Ski from a lake into a swiming pool and impaled his crotch on an iron gate. But thanks to recent advances in stem cell research and the fine work of Doctors Krinski and Altschuler, Clevon should regain full reproductive function."
Clevon: "Get your hands off my junk!"
embarrass.wav(329K) embarrass.mp3(150K) embarrass.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe Baures (Luke Wilson): "Why me? Every time Metsler says' 'Lead, follow, or get out of the way,' I get out of the way."
Sgt. Keller (Robert Musgrave): "Yeah, when he says that, you're not supposed to choose 'get out of the way'. It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following."
Joe: "That doesn't embarrass me."
trainthisguy.wav(207K) trainthisguy.mp3(95K) trainthisguy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Sgt. Keller: "Follow me upstairs, like, now."
Joe: "Right now? W-- Shouldn't I train this guy?"
Sgt. Keller: "I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day."
peopleandfruit.wav(446K) peopleandfruit.mp3(203K) peopleandfruit.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "So, uh, you an artist or something?"
Rita (Maya Rudolph): "Uh, yeah."
Joe: "You do paintings or--"
Rita: "Yeah, paintings."
Joe: "Okay, great."
Joe: "What do you paint mostly?"
Rita: "I don't know, just people and fruit and shit."
stupider.wav(271K) stupider.mp3(123K) stupider.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Narrator: "Things looked bleak for Joe, but they were even worse for mankind. As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the years passed and mankind became stupider at a frightening rate."
prolonging.wav(313K) prolonging.mp3(143K) prolonging.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Narrator: "Some had high hopes that genetic engineering would correct this trend in evolution. But sadly, the greatest minds and resources were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections."
garbage.wav(566K) garbage.mp3(258K) garbage.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Narrator: "Meanwhile, the population exploded, and intelligence continued to decline until humanity was incapable of solving even it's most basic problems. Like garbage, which had been stacked for centuries with no plan whatsoever leading to the Great Garbage Avalanche of 2505, which would set in motion the events that would change the world forever."
holdon.wav(101K) holdon.mp3(47K) holdon.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Frito (Dax Shepard): "(Avalanche breaks through his window) Hold on."
owmyballs.wav(94K) owmyballs.mp3(44K) owmyballs.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
TV Announcer: "Next on the Violence Channel, an all-new Ow! My Balls!"
shutup.wav(178K) shutup.mp3(81K) shutup.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "Are we on base?"
Frito: "I'm gonna base your ass on my fist. In your face, ass! Shut up!"
englishlanguage.wav(502K) englishlanguage.mp3(229K) englishlanguage.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Narrator: "Unaware of what year it was, Joe wandered the streets, desperate for help. But the English language had deteriorated into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl, inner-city slang and various grunts. Joe was able to understand them but when he spoke in an ordinary voice he sounded pompous and faggy to them."
yourfloorisnowclean.wav(55K) yourfloorisnowclean.mp3(26K) yourfloorisnowclean.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Floor Cleaning Robot: "(bumping into the wall repeatedly) Your floor-- Your floor is now clean."
regularwater.wav(329K) regularwater.mp3(150K) regularwater.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "Uh, excuse me. I think this might be Gatorate or something. I was just looking for some regular water."
Doctor in Waiting Room (Joseph Cheatham): "Water?"
Doctor in Waiting Room: "You mean like in the toilet? What for?"
Joe: "You know, just to drink."
Doctor in Waiting Room: "(laughing)"
yourillness.wav(170K) yourillness.mp3(78K) yourillness.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Helthmaster Inferno: "You've got hepatitus! Oh, is someone not felling well? Your illness is very important to us."
inyourbutt.wav(638K) inyourbutt.mp3(290K) inyourbutt.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dr. Jagger (Christopher Ryan): "Uh, this goes in your mouth. This one goes in your ear. And this one goes in your butt."
Patient: "Come on."
Patient (Mike Judge): "Hurry up, asshole!"
Patient: "Come on!"
Dr. Jagger: "Shit. Hang on a second. This one-- No. Uh..."
Patient: "Hurry up!"
Dr. Jagger: "This one goes in your mouth."
howsithangese.wav(71K) howsithangese.mp3(33K) howsithangese.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Doctor (Justin Long): "Hey, how's it hang, ese?"
onyourchart.wav(367K) onyourchart.mp3(167K) onyourchart.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Doctor: "Well, don't wanna sound like a dick or nothin', but, uh, it says on your chart that you're bleeped up. Uh, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. What I do is just like, like, you know... like, you know what I mean? Like-- (chuckles)"
kickasslives.wav(376K) kickasslives.mp3(171K) kickasslives.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "No, I'm serious here."
Doctor: "Don't worry, scrot. Now, there are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick-ass lives. My first wife was 'tarded." She's a pilot now.
Joe: "I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help."
Doctor: "There's that fag talk we talked about."
thismanydollars.wav(180K) thismanydollars.mp3(82K) thismanydollars.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Doctor: "Alright, so that'll be this many dollars. And if you could just go ahead and, like, put your tattoo in that shit."
yourtatoo.wav(603K) yourtatoo.mp3(274K) yourtatoo.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Doctor: "And if you could just go ahead and, like, put your tattoo in that shit."
Joe: "That's wierd. This thing has the same misprint as that magazine. What are the odds of--"
Doctor: "Where's your tatoo? Tatoo? Why don't you have this?"
Joe: "Oh, god!"
Doctor: "Where's your tatoo?"
Joe: "Oh, my god."
Doctor: "Why come you don't have a tatoo?"
whycome.wav(48K) whycome.mp3(22K) whycome.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Doctor: "Why come you don't have a tatoo?"
ass.wav(626K) ass.mp3(285K) ass.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Narrator: "Joe had awakened to a world in crisis. The economy was in a state of deep neglect. A great dust bowl had ravaged food supplies. And the number one movie in the country was called Ass. And that's all it was for 90 minutes. (farting noise) It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay."
carlsjr.wav(953K) carlsjr.mp3(433K) carlsjr.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Carl's Jr. Computer: "Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries."
Woman at Carl's Jr.: "You didn't gimmie no fries. I got an empty box."
Carl's Jr. Computer: "Would you like another Extra Big-Ass Fries?"
Woman at Carl's Jr.: "I said I didn't get any."
Carl's Jr. Computer: "Thank you. Your account has been charged. Your balance is zero."
Woman at Carl's Jr.: "What?"
Carl's Jr. Computer: "Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase."
Woman at Carl's Jr.: "Oh, no, no, no!"
Carl's Jr. Computer: "I'm sorry you're having trouble."
Woman at Carl's Jr.: "Come on! My kids are starvin'."
Carl's Jr. Computer: "I'm sorry you're having trouble. (The machine blast her in the face with an unknown gas) This should help you calm down. Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase. Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. believes no child should go hungry. You are an unfit mother. Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr. Carl's Jr. 'Bleep you, I'm eating'."
extrabigassfries.wav(80K) extrabigassfries.mp3(37K) extrabigassfries.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Carl's Jr. Computer: "Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries."
pleasecomeback.wav(66K) pleasecomeback.mp3(31K) pleasecomeback.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Carl's Jr. Computer: "Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase."
custodyofcarlsjr.wav(209K) custodyofcarlsjr.mp3(96K) custodyofcarlsjr.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Carl's Jr. Computer: "Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. believes no child should go hungry. You are an unfit mother. Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr."
imeating.wav(61K) imeating.mp3(28K) imeating.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Carl's Jr. Computer: "Carl's Jr. 'Bleep you, I'm eating'."
extrabigasstaco.wav(177K) extrabigasstaco.mp3(81K) extrabigasstaco.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Carl's Jr. Computer: "Welcome to Carl's Jr. Would you like to try our Extra Big-Ass Taco, now with more molecules?"
fixintocommensurate.wav(276K) fixintocommensurate.mp3(126K) fixintocommensurate.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Judge Hank "The Hangman" BMW (Stephen Root): "You shut up! Now... I am fixin' to commensurate this trial here. We gonna see if we can't come up with a verdict up in here."
courtappointed.wav(371K) courtappointed.mp3(169K) courtappointed.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Judge Hank "The Hangman" BMW: "Now, since y'all say you ain't got no money, we have proprietarily optained for you one of them court-appointed lawyers. So, put your hands together and give it up for Frito Pendejo."
theotherlawyer.wav(195K) theotherlawyer.mp3(89K) theotherlawyer.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Frito: "Says here you, uh, robbed a hospital? Why'd you do that?"
Joe: "Yeah. I'm not guilty."
Frito: "That's not what the other lawyer said."
justlookathim.wav(841K) justlookathim.mp3(382K) justlookathim.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Judge Hank "The Hangman" BMW: "Shut up! Shut up! Now, prosecutor, why you think he done it?"
Prosecutor: "Okay, number one, Your Honor, just look at him."
Frito: "He talks like a fag too."
Prosecutor: "And B, we got all this, like, evidence of how, like, this guy didn't even pay at the hospital. And I heard that he doesn't even have his tattoo. I know! And I'm all, 'You've gotta be shittin' me.' But check this out, man. Judge should be like, 'Guilty'. Peace."
iobject.wav(826K) iobject.mp3(375K) iobject.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Judge Hank "The Hangman" BMW: "What are you objectifyin' on?"
Joe: "Come on. Just get me on the stand."
Frito: "Okay. Um, Your Honor?"
Judge Hank "The Hangman" BMW: "Hmm?"
Frito: "I object... that this guy also broke my apartment to shit. Yeah."
Frito: "And you know what else? I object that he's not gonna have any money to pay me after he pays back all the money he stole from the hospital!"
Joe: "Don't say I stole. You're my lawyer."
Frito: "And I object! I object that he interrupted me while I was watching Ow! My Balls! That is not okay! And I rest my case!"
mistrial.wav(198K) mistrial.mp3(91K) mistrial.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "Your Honor, I'm pretty sure we have a mistrial here, sir."
Frito: "I'm gonna mistrial my foot up your ass, you don't shut up."
Joe: "Please, listen."
Prosecutor: "'Please, listen'."
notsure.wav(771K) notsure.mp3(350K) notsure.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
ID Processing Computer: "Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card. Document number G24L8."
Joe: "Well, I'm not sure if--"
ID Processing Computer: "You have entered the name 'Not Sure'. Is this correct, Not sure?"
Joe: "No, it is not correct."
ID Processing Computer: "Thank you. 'Not' is correct. Is 'Sure' correct? No, it's not. My name is Joe--"
Joe: "You've already confirmed your first name is 'Not'."
ID Processing Computer: "Please confirm your last name, 'Sure'."
Joe: "My n-- My last name is not sure. No."
ID Processing Computer: "Thank you. Not Sure."
Joe: "What I mean is my name is Joe Ba--"
ID Processing Computer: "Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm."
aptitude.wav(347K) aptitude.mp3(158K) aptitude.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Cop at Government Center: "Okay, sir, now we will begin to procede to obtain your I.Q. and aptitude tests."
Joe: "What for?"
Cop at Government Center: "Okay, sir, this is to figure out what your aptitude's good at and get you a jail job while you're being a particular individual in jail."
escapeplan.wav(375K) escapeplan.mp3(171K) escapeplan.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "Hi. Excuse me. Um, I'm actually supposed to be getting out of prison today, sir. Yeah."
Prison Guard #1 (Jason Schaefer): "You're in the wrong line, dumb ass. Over there."
Joe: "I'm sorry. I am being a big dumb ass. Sorry."
Prison Guard #1: "Hey, uh, let this dumb ass through."
keepinamericabatin.wav(140K) keepinamericabatin.mp3(64K) keepinamericabatin.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
TV Announcer (Mike Judge): "The Masturbation Network. Keepin' America 'batin' for 300 years. And now, Sweet Bang Tube."
goawaybatin.wav(70K) goawaybatin.mp3(33K) goawaybatin.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Frito: "Oh, yeah. (Knocking on door) That's-- Go away, 'batin'!"
likemoney.wav(741K) likemoney.mp3(337K) likemoney.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "'Cause of the interest, it'll be worth billions of dollars."
Frito: "Oh, I-- I like money."
Frito: "How many billions?"
Joe: "Like, 10."
Frito: "Yeah, suck one. Time machine costs, like, 20."
Joe: "Yeah? Okay. Uh, 30, Frito. Thirty billion dollars."
Frito: "Thirty billion. So if you gave me 30 billion and the time machine's 20-- What's the minus of 30 and 20?"
Joe: "Uh, it's, uh, it's 80, Frito. It's eighty billion dollars. That's a mighty big minus, isn't it?"
Frito: "Yeah. I like money though."
openthedoor.wav(39K) openthedoor.mp3(18K) openthedoor.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Police Officer: "Police, open the door!"
anothercouplebillion.wav(131K) anothercouplebillion.mp3(60K) anothercouplebillion.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Frito: "That wasn't really part of the deal."
Joe: "Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another couple billion, alright?"
Frito: "I like money."
stillontheclock.wav(582K) stillontheclock.mp3(265K) stillontheclock.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Horny Guy (Eli Munoz): "Mmm, girl. Oh, yeah? So when we gonna do it? 'Cause you been chargin' me by the hour, and it's been, like, three days."
Rita: "Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon. Hey, you know what? Why don't you come back tomorrow?"
Horny Guy: "Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah!"
Horny Guy: "When I finally utilize you, you gonna be paying me."
Rita: "That's right. Whatever you say, sir. Hey, and you still on the clock!"
Horny Guy: "Yeah, girl."
500years.wav(167K) 500years.mp3(77K) 500years.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Rita: "It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, no! Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad when I'm a day late with his money!"
gethismoney.wav(407K) gethismoney.mp3(185K) gethismoney.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "You gotta understand that Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now."
Rita: "Yeah, man, but you said there was a time machine, right?"
Joe: "Yeah, there's a time machine now that can take us back to the past, but there was no time machine back then, so--"
Rita: "Upgrayedd don't care where the time machine is. Now, then, last week, he will find a way to come get his money!"
nottoworry.wav(176K) nottoworry.mp3(81K) nottoworry.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "Well, all I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it."
Rita: "You know what? The last time you told me not to worry was 500 bleepdamn years ago when you were trying to tell me to get into some sort of tricked out Army coffin."
itslikefar.wav(127K) itslikefar.mp3(59K) itslikefar.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Rita: "Hey, how much further is it?"
Frito: "Uh, it's, like, far."
timeforahandjob.wav(149K) timeforahandjob.mp3(68K) timeforahandjob.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know?"
Frito: "Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job, Joe."
costcoiloveyou.wav(62K) costcoiloveyou.mp3(29K) costcoiloveyou.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Costco Greeter (Jason Schaefer): "Welcome to Costco, I love you."
pulledsomestrings.wav(314K) pulledsomestrings.mp3(143K) pulledsomestrings.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Rita: "We've been walking forever. You sure you know where you're going?"
Frito: "Yeah, I know this place pretty good. I went to law school here."
Joe: "In Costco?"
Frito: "Yeah, I couldn't believe it myself. Luckily, my dad was an alumnus and pulled some strings."
donthavetime.wav(124K) donthavetime.mp3(57K) donthavetime.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Frito: "Hey, come on, Joe. I already told you, we'd all like a hand job, but we don't have time for it."
thebathroom.wav(182K) thebathroom.mp3(83K) thebathroom.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Rita: "Do I got time to use the bathroom?"
Frito: "(laughing and immitates farting) Uh, the toilet."
Rita: "Be right back."
poundonthat.wav(225K) poundonthat.mp3(103K) poundonthat.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Frito: "Yeah, back that thing up."
Joe: "Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe?"
Joe: "I like having sex with chicks."
Frito: "Yeah, I think everybody does, Frito."
Joe: "Not like I do."
timetravelwork.wav(713K) timetravelwork.mp3(324K) timetravelwork.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "Wait a second. What are we gonna do? Wait, okay, I know. Here's what we do. We just go to the time machine, then when I get back to the past, I tell her not to do the experiment. Then she won't even be her. That'll work, right?"
Joe: "No, no, wait a second. She already is here. So, that must mean I didn't go back in time, right?"
Joe: "No, wait, hold on. It just means I haven't done it yet. Okay, so, I go back an tell her not to do the experiment. Then I won't have to do it either because she won't be here. Then I won't have to come back and save her, right?"
Joe: "But then, wait. Why am I still here?"
Joe: "How does this time travel work?"
owwhatow.wav(368K) owwhatow.mp3(168K) owwhatow.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "Look, if you guys are taking me back to that jail, just go ahead and shoot me, 'cause there's no way that-- (Cop shoots him with pepper spray) Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ah! Ow!"
Cop at Costco (Chris Warner): "What? (Pepper sprays him again)"
Joe: "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!"
Cop at Costco: "What? (Pepper sprays him again)"
Joe: "Ow! God! Hey, stop!"
theypayme.wav(249K) theypayme.mp3(114K) theypayme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Secretary of State (David Herman): "I'm the secretary of state. Brought to you by Carl's Jr."
Joe: "Why do you keep saying that?"
Secretary of State: "'Cause they pay me every time I do. It's a really good way of making money. You're so smart, why don't you know that?"
headwouldbebigger.wav(113K) headwouldbebigger.mp3(52K) headwouldbebigger.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
President Camacho (Terry Alan Crews): "So you smart, huh?"
Joe: "No, no."
President Camacho: "I thought your head would be bigger."
presidentofamerica.wav(190K) presidentofamerica.mp3(87K) presidentofamerica.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
House of Representin' Announcer: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the president of America!"
giveyoumyword.wav(554K) giveyoumyword.mp3(252K) giveyoumyword.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
President Camacho: "(Singing) I give you my word, he's gonna fix the dust storms too. And I give you my word, he's gonna fix the economy. And he's so smart, he's gonna do it all in one week."
twoofyou.wav(336K) twoofyou.mp3(153K) twoofyou.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "Listen, I told these people that you were smart, okay? So act smart!"
Frito: "Smart like you? (In an effeminate voice) 'Oh, I gotta go to the time machine. I wanna go home.'"
Joe: "I don't talk like that."
Frito: "'I don't talk like that'"
Secret Service Thug (Randal Reeder): "Shit, I thought there was two of you."
justmakethatup.wav(227K) justmakethatup.mp3(104K) justmakethatup.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "Now, you either lead, follow, or get out of the way. Alright?"
Secretary of Defense (Anthony 'Citric' Campos): "Whoa, did you just make that up?"
Joe: "Yes, I did."
didntputout.wav(178K) didntputout.mp3(81K) didntputout.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Secret Service Thug: "Turns out she charged some guy a lotta money and didn't put out. Don't worry though. We'll get her out on a work-release whorin' license as long as you're doin' her."
sheputsout.wav(91K) sheputsout.mp3(42K) sheputsout.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Secret Service Thug: "Hey, you want us to come along, make sure she puts out?"
Joe: "No, thanks. I can handle it."
waytogofrito.wav(72K) waytogofrito.mp3(33K) waytogofrito.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "Oh, bleepdamnit! Way to go, Frito."
couplescounseling.wav(595K) couplescounseling.mp3(271K) couplescounseling.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Rita: "Well, all's I know is I better find Upgrayedd before he finds me."
Joe: "Listen to me. Upgrayedd cannot find you, okay? It's impossible!"
Rita: "Oh, yeah?"
Joe: "Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd could somehow magically travel through time, we got secret service guys with huge guys protecting us, okay? So don't worry. You're safe. And you know what? It's none of my business, but when we get back, you and Upgrayedd should seriously think about couples counseling, okay? And you should also think about maybe finding a boyfriend who's not also your boyfriend."
familystyle.wav(587K) familystyle.mp3(267K) familystyle.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Secret Service Thug: "Hey! She's not puttin' out?"
Joe: "Uh, no, she is. We, uh-- We already did it."
Rita: "Yeah, he was great."
Secret Service Thug: "Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys were wonderin', uh if we'd go family-style on her."
Joe: "Uh, yeah, probably not right now. We should focus on the crops. So let's get back to work. Maybe later."
whatplantscrave.wav(1443K) whatplantscrave.mp3(655K) whatplantscrave.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "For the last time, I'm pretty sure what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff."
Secretary of State: "But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes."
Attorney General (Sara Rue): "So wait a minute. What you're saying is that you want us to put water on the crops."
Attorney General: "Water. Like out the toilet?"
Joe: "Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea."
Secretary of State: "But Brawndo's got what plants crave."
Attorney General: "It's got electrolytes."
Joe: "Okay, look. The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brawndo's not working. Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow."
Secretary of Energy (Brendan Hill): "Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet."
Secretary of State: "Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world?"
Joe: "Okay, look. You wanna solve this problem. I wanna get my pardon. So why don't we just try it, okay, and not worry about what plants crave?"
Attorney General: "Brawndo's got what plants crave."
Secretary of Energy: "Yeah, it's got electrolytes."
Joe: "What are electrolytes? Do you even know?"
Secretary of State: "It's what they use to make Brawndo."
Joe: "Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo?"
Secretary of Defense: "'Cause Brawndo's got electrolytes."
talktoplants.wav(305K) talktoplants.mp3(139K) talktoplants.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Narrator: "After several hours, Joe finally gave up on logic and reason and simply told the cabinet that he could talk to plants and that they wanted water. He made believer out or everyone."
builtthatbomb.wav(185K) builtthatbomb.mp3(85K) builtthatbomb.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Rita: "You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?"
Joe: "Yeah, hadn't thought of that."
Rita: "Now you know why he built that bomb."
inbedwithastranger.wav(463K) inbedwithastranger.mp3(211K) inbedwithastranger.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Rita: "You know, you don't have to sleep on the floor if you don't want to."
Joe: "Oh, no, I'm-- I'm alright. Yeah. Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd would be to happy about that, you in bed with a stranger."
Rita: "(Snickers and laughs)"
itsupgrayedd.wav(86K) itsupgrayedd.mp3(40K) itsupgrayedd.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Rita: "(Rock comes flying through the window) Ah, shit, it's Upgrayedd."
daddyjustice.wav(352K) daddyjustice.mp3(160K) daddyjustice.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Male Newscaster (Derek Southers): "He tried taking water from toilets, but it's Secretary Not Sure who finds himself in the toilet now. And as history pulls down its pants and prepares to lower it's ass on Not Sure's head, it will be Daddy Justice who will be crapping on him this time."
smarttalk.wav(559K) smarttalk.mp3(254K) smarttalk.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Female Reporter (Lidia Porto): "Thank you, Velveeta. Well, it started off boring and slow with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk: 'Blah blah blah. You gotta believe me!' That part of the trial sucked! But then the Chief J. just went off. He said, 'Man, whatever! The guy's guilty as shit! We all know that.' And he sentenced his ass to one night of rehabilitation."
iwasgonnadie.wav(58K) iwasgonnadie.mp3(27K) iwasgonnadie.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "Never would have guessed this is how I was gonna die."
caroncaraction.wav(74K) caroncaraction.mp3(34K) caroncaraction.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Announcer: "Are you ready for some car-on-car action?"
hopeidontcry.wav(79K) hopeidontcry.mp3(37K) hopeidontcry.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Frito: "This is gonna be so sad. I hope I don't cry."
getmeoverthere.wav(183K) getmeoverthere.mp3(83K) getmeoverthere.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Rita: "Frito, can you get me over there. (She points to the TV)"
Frito: "Yes. (He pick her up and carries her to the TV)"
Rita: "No, you bleepin'moron. To the Rehabilitation place."
techmological.wav(115K) techmological.mp3(53K) techmological.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Announcer: "We seem to be experimenting some techmological differences."
bigpileofrocks.wav(80K) bigpileofrocks.mp3(37K) bigpileofrocks.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Announcer: "Shit, that's a big pile of rocks."
rehabilitation.wav(82K) rehabilitation.mp3(38K) rehabilitation.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Announcer: "Let the rehabilitation begin!"
likemoneytoo.wav(76K) likemoneytoo.mp3(35K) likemoneytoo.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Frito: "I can't believe you like money, too. We should hang out."
thatsagooddeal.wav(52K) thatsagooddeal.mp3(24K) thatsagooddeal.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Cameraman (Greg Pitts): "Shit, that's a good deal."
readthatword.wav(238K) readthatword.mp3(109K) readthatword.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Frito: "Uh, Rehabil-- Rehabilate-- Rehabilation."
Cameraman: "Why do you keep trying to read that word? You a fag?"
Frito: "I'll fag your face!"
figureitout.wav(417K) figureitout.mp3(217K) figureitout.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "Think about it, you know? You're just gonna have to figure it out like we did with the crops."
Attorney General: "But how are we gonna figure out about the garbage ambulanches and the comony?"
Secretary of Defense: "And what about the nuc-- nucular reactor in Florida? It's broke and leaking or something's happening."
Secretary of Energy: "I thought it was in Georgia."
Secretary of Defense: "Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass."
charliechaplan.wav(298K) charliechaplan.mp3(136K) charliechaplan.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Time Masheen Voice: "Welcome to the Time Masheen. We are going to take you back, first to the year 1939, when Charlie Chaplan and his evil Nazi regime enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world."
dumbsometimes.wav(173K) dumbsometimes.mp3(79K) dumbsometimes.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Frito: "You thought you could really travel through time, huh?"
Joe: "Yeah, I guess I did."
Frito: "Yeah. For the smartest guy in the world, you're pretty dumb sometimes."
theun.wav(194K) theun.mp3(89K) theun.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Time Masheen Voice: "But then an even greater force emerged-- the 'UN'. And the 'UN' un-nazied the world forever."
smartpeople.wav(338K) smartpeople.mp3(154K) smartpeople.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "You know, there was a time in this country when smart people were considered cool. Well, maybe not cool, but smart people did things like build ships and pyramids and they even went to the moon."
therewasatime.wav(538K) therewasatime.mp3(245K) therewasatime.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Joe: "And there was a time in this country, a long time ago, when reading wasn't just for fags and neither was writing. People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting. And I believe that time can come again!"
findthisho.wav(35K) findthisho.mp3(16K) findthisho.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Upgrayedd (Scarface): "I'm gonna go find this ho."