All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 22Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).
mytwinsister.wav(256K) mytwinsister.mp3(117K) mytwinsister.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck Levine (Adam Sandler): "Hey, Darla, what's the matter with you? You sound so upset."
Darla (Becky O'Donohue): "You slept with my twin sister on Saturday. That's why I'm so upset!"
Chuck: "How do you know for sure it wasn't you?"
Darla: "'Cause I wasn't there."
Chuck: "It sure looked like you were there to me."
somethingisburning.wav(130K) somethingisburning.mp3(60K) somethingisburning.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Captain Phineas J. Tucker (Dan Aykroyd): "Here the bell, gentlemen? Let's go! Time to make a living! Somewhere something is burning!"
bolognese.wav(86K) bolognese.mp3(40K) bolognese.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Larry Valentine (Kevin James): "Bolognese."
Teresa the Maid (Mary Pat Gleason): "Looks more like bows of shit."
lollipop.wav(78K) lollipop.mp3(36K) lollipop.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Larry: "Hey, you know what? Why don't you come back down here? I'll stick this poll up you ass, turn you into a lollipop."
iwilldestroyyou.wav(86K) iwilldestroyyou.mp3(40K) iwilldestroyyou.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Larry: "Get down here now! I'll give you an ass-beating! I will destroy you!"
causeyourehot.wav(237K) causeyourehot.mp3(108K) causeyourehot.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Doctor Honey (Chandra West): "Mr. Levine? Mr. Levine? Do you know where you are?"
Chuck: "Am I in a Motley Crue video? 'Cause you're hot."
drhoney.wav(300K) drhoney.mp3(137K) drhoney.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "Honey, how's my buddy doing?"
Doctor Honey: "Honey? Uh, we're expecting a full recovery. And, Mr. Levine, please address me as 'Doctor.'"
Chuck: "Dr. Honey. Yeah, okay, you got it."
nothingbutahead.wav(606K) nothingbutahead.mp3(275K) nothingbutahead.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Larry: "Chuck. What's going on, man?"
Chuck: "Brace yourself, Larry. What I'm gonna tell you is pretty rough. They removed your entire body. You're nothing but a head now."
Chuck: "They said that there was enough fat in your head to rebuild you a new body, so they got scientists in the other room working on it. God willing, you're gonna be alright."
Larry: "Oh, you know, you're such a dick."
icantbegay.wav(89K) icantbegay.mp3(41K) icantbegay.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "I can't be gay, Larry. I could be a lesbian for you, but that's about it."
moonballoons.wav(41K) moonballoons.mp3(19K) moonballoons.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "You see the moon balloons on that chick?"
freeshow.wav(79K) freeshow.mp3(37K) freeshow.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "Baby! How about a free show? Why don't you shake 'em for me?"
ballsandwieners.wav(394K) ballsandwieners.mp3(180K) ballsandwieners.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Glen Aldrich (Matt Winston): "So you've moved your relationship to the next level. How's it been going?"
Chuck: "Oh, great. We've just been having sex with each other all the time."
Larry: "Loads of sex."
Chuck: "Gay crazy sex."
Larry: "Man on man. Loving every minute of it."
Chuck: "Yeah, balls and wieners all the way. Right here."
usedtowrestle.wav(278K) usedtowrestle.mp3(127K) usedtowrestle.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Alex McDonough: "But you guys have nothing to worry about because you're a legitimate gay couple, right?"
Larry: "Oh, yea, we're... No, we're big-time fruits."
Chuck: "I used to wrestle in high school and I loved it."
Alex McDonough: "Okay."
clibetherope.wav(106K) clibetherope.mp3(49K) clibetherope.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "When I used to climb the rope in gym class, I wished it was a guy."
pissmymotheroff.wav(389K) pissmymotheroff.mp3(177K) pissmymotheroff.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Asian Minister (Rob Schneider): "Hey, may I help you?"
Larry: "Yes, we're, uh... We're, um..."
Asian Minister: "Gay?"
Larry: "Yeah, we're marrying each other."
Asian Minister: "Gay. Civil or religious?"
Chuck: "Religious. I'm Jewish. I don't wanna piss my mother off."
Larry: "I'm Catholic. I don't want to piss Mel Gibson off."
likeacircle.wav(744K) likeacircle.mp3(348K) likeacircle.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Asian Minister: "Now the rings are a symbol of eternity, because in a ring there's no beginning, there is no end, 'cause it's a circle."
Chuck: "That's kind of nice."
Asian Minister: "It's not like a triangle. Triangle has, like, a corner in the ends. This one is a circle."
Chuck: "Okay, we get it."
Larry: "Three corners."
Asian Minister: "Please exchange the rings."
Chuck: "Larry take that."
Larry: "Alright, yeah."
Asian Minister: "It's a promise of you love forever together..."
Chuck: "Okay. Beautiful."
Asian Minister: "...for all eternity because it's a circle."
Chuck: "Yeah, we heard about the circle."
Larry: "Yes, we're familiar with shapes."
kissthehusband.wav(109K) kissthehusband.mp3(50K) kissthehusband.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Asian Minister: "I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss the husband."
toast.wav(481K) toast.mp3(219K) toast.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Crazy Homeless Man: "Clink, clink, clink, clink. The wires are all in place, and they have tapped all of our phones. The Chinese government is in on it. And Elizabeth Taylor in Bigfoot. Turn off my brain."
All: "Here here."
exfoliating.wav(219K) exfoliating.mp3(100K) exfoliating.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Larry: "What the hell is that on your face?"
Chuck: "I'm exfoliating. It's good for my skin."
Larry: "Hey, that's a great idea, man. In case the gay inspector comes by."
Chuck: "Yeah, yeah, that's why I was doing it."
fixmebreakfast.wav(46K) fixmebreakfast.mp3(21K) fixmebreakfast.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Teresa the Maid: "Come on, kids, fix me breakfast."
toorugged.wav(351K) toorugged.mp3(160K) toorugged.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Larry: "Oh, here we go. Look at this. Shampoo for permed hair. That's pretty gay."
Chuck: "Put it in there."
Larry: "Nah, it's too rugged."
Larry: "Q-tips, get Q-tips."
Chuck: "Gay guys like clean ears for the licking and whatnot. Smart. What do you got?"
Larry: "Maxi Pads."
Chuck: "Now we have vaginas? Put it back."
themothership.wav(143K) themothership.mp3(66K) themothership.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "Gay. Very gay. Uber gay. The gayest. And the mother ship."
twoforadollar.wav(285K) twoforadollar.mp3(130K) twoforadollar.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "Hell yeah!"
Alex: "Sorry, did you say something?"
Chuck: "No, they got, uh, K-Y jelly, two for a dollar. Hell, yeah."
hellyeah.wav(53K) hellyeah.mp3(25K) hellyeah.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "Hell yeah!"
themailman.wav(1162K) themailman.mp3(528K) themailman.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Ron the Mailman (Robert Smigel): "I also caught a bit of what you said, uh, pertaining to me."
Larry: "What, I'm sorry?"
Ron the Mailman: "I heard you mention to the gentlemen that you thought I was a hottie."
Larry: "Oh. Yeah, you know what? I'm sorry if that come off a little weird. I was feeling..."
Ron the Mailman: "Oh, no, no, no. It's nothing to worry about, sir. I don't bite."
Larry: "Oh, okay."
Ron the Mailman: "Listen, just so you know, if you're ever home alone in the afternoons... I make drop-offs."
Ron the Mailman: "And I always deliver."
Larry: "You know what it is? I'm pretty loyal to Chuck."
Ron the Mailman: "Right, I understand that. I'm just saying if you ever want to, uh, explore your other feelings, there's no extra postage. And it's always first-class."
Larry: "Alright, anything else you feel you need to say, there?"
Ron the Mailman: "I handle with care."
Larry: "Okay, Ron, thank you very much. I appreciate it."
Ron the Mailman: "I'd be happy to come in through the back door."
Larry: "I'm sure you would."
Ron the Mailman: "I'm used to holding large packages."
homopalooza.wav(55K) homopalooza.mp3(25K) homopalooza.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "Oh, my god, it's Homopalooza."
crackalackin.wav(39K) crackalackin.mp3(18K) crackalackin.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Kevin McDonough (Nick Swardson): "What's up, apple dumpling? What's crack-a-lackin'?"
itslikethelaw.wav(82K) itslikethelaw.mp3(38K) itslikethelaw.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "Gay guys know how to dance good. It's like the law or some shit."
vernacular.wav(376K) vernacular.mp3(171K) vernacular.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Jim the Protestor (Rob Corddry): "Faggots."
Chuck: "I'm sorry? What did you call me?"
Jim the Protestor: "Oh, I called you a faggot. (Over the megaphone) Faggot."
Chuck: "(He punches him) For your information, the accepted vernacular is 'gay.'"
plungerfactory.wav(147K) plungerfactory.mp3(67K) plungerfactory.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Captain Tucker: "I will report you. You will go to jail, where you won't have to pretend to be gay, because your asses'll be be busier than a test bench in a plunger factory."
halflesbian.wav(128K) halflesbian.mp3(59K) halflesbian.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Pigtailed Girl (Delaney Keefe): "You were married to a woman, right?"
Pigtailed Girl: "Does that mean you're half-lesbian?"
twojobs.wav(180K) twojobs.mp3(82K) twojobs.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Jerky Boy (Conner Wiles): "Mr. Valentine? You said you're a fireman."
Larry: "Yes, that is correct."
Jerky Boy: "Do you have two jobs? Because my dad said that you're also a butt pirate."
thesearereal.wav(37K) thesearereal.mp3(18K) thesearereal.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Alex: "Well, these are real, by the way."
inthenameofscience.wav(904K) inthenameofscience.mp3(411K) inthenameofscience.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "I'd rather feel a flabby man pec, to be honest with you, but in the name of science, if you need me to hold your bodacious Bahama mamas, or what ever the guys call them nowadays, I'll do it."
Alex: "Yes, go ahead."
Chuck: "Oh! Um--"
Chuck: "Yeah, they're real."
Alex: "Told you."
Chuck: "And creamy. And fun. For someone who would like something like this, this is-- But to me, it's, like, ew. I just got a little nauseous there, touching them. That's funny."
Alex: "Well, you wanna bite?"
Chuck: "No, no, no. Feeling them's enough."
boing.wav(126K) boing.mp3(58K) boing.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "Usually when I do this to Larry, he's like, boing! You know?"
peedonmyface.wav(122K) peedonmyface.mp3(56K) peedonmyface.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Criminal Voiceover (John Farley): "Hey, anybody! You gotta get me out of here! I just peed on my face!"
youreamonster.wav(145K) youreamonster.mp3(66K) youreamonster.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "Hey! For the record, every time I laughed at one of your jokes, I was faking it."
Larry: "You're a monster!"
soweremyballs.wav(84K) soweremyballs.mp3(39K) soweremyballs.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "Hey, we've been together forever!"
Captain Tucker: "So were my balls, and now I only have on of them."
handlewithcare.wav(34K) handlewithcare.mp3(16K) handlewithcare.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Ron the Mailman: "Handle with care."
dontdothevoice.wav(58K) dontdothevoice.mp3(27K) dontdothevoice.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Larry: "Don't do the voice. I will kill you, I swear."
ballsandwieners2.wav(31K) ballsandwieners2.mp3(15K) ballsandwieners2.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "Balls and wieners."
youknowyoulikethat.wav(62K) youknowyoulikethat.mp3(29K) youknowyoulikethat.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Larry: "Ow! What are you doing?"
Chuck: "You know you like that."
ima10.wav(213K) ima10.mp3(97K) ima10.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Renaldo Pinera (Nicholas Turturro): "I'm a 10! You hear that? I'm a 10! Whoo!"
Bailiff (Kevin Grady): "On a scale to 100."
Renaldo: "You're just jealous 'cause gay guys like me."
gaylove.wav(53K) gaylove.mp3(24K) gaylove.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Kevin: "Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Gay love!"
yousuck.wav(42K) yousuck.mp3(20K) yousuck.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Kevin: "That's right, Fitzer, you suck!"
ilikeitrough.wav(33K) ilikeitrough.mp3(16K) ilikeitrough.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Larry: "Ahhh! I like it rough!"
grabthose.wav(86K) grabthose.mp3(40K) grabthose.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "You want me to grab those, see if they're real again?"
Alex: "I'm sorry?"
Chuck: "I says, are we done yet?"
notmytype.wav(224K) notmytype.mp3(102K) notmytype.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Fred G. Duncan (Ving Rhames): "You've inspired me to want to find my soul mate... wherever he may be."
Renaldo: "Hey, I'm a 10. I'm a 10."
Fred: "You're not my type. Sorry."
whoweareaspeople.wav(491K) whoweareaspeople.mp3(223K) whoweareaspeople.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Captain Tucker: "And most importantly, they showed us that no matter whom we choose to love, be they heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, bisexual, trisexual, quadrisexual, pansexual, transexual, omnisexual or that thing where the chick ties the belt around your neck and tinkles on a ballon, it has absolutely nothing to do with who we are as people."
likeacircle2.wav(639K) likeacircle2.mp3(291K) likeacircle2.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Asian Minister: "These two guys right here talking about doing something pretty serious. Making a commitment to love each other forever. Now before, they were on the down-low, living a life that was a lie. Now, in a lie, it's like a circle. It never ends. You know, it's not like a rectangle. 'Cause that has a bunch of, you know, places that stop. This one is a big circle of--"
Larry: "Okay, you know, wrap up the circle thing. Come on."
Chuck: "Moving on!"
powervestinme.wav(275K) powervestinme.mp3(125K) powervestinme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Asian Minister: "Well, then, by the power vested in me by the Commonwealth of Canada and the Province of Ontario, which has always been very pro-gay, unlike that uptight country to the south, it's my pleasure to now pronounce you husband and husband, partners for life."
thatssexist.wav(347K) thatssexist.mp3(158K) thatssexist.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "Your brother forgave me. Now, why can't you?"
Alex: "Well, my brother wasn't the one that you felt up under false pretenses."
Chuck: "You mean, you only let me touch your boobs 'cause you thought I was gay? That's sexist. That-- I could bring that to the courtroom. You could be my lawyer."
cometomysenses.wav(89K) cometomysenses.mp3(41K) cometomysenses.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Alex: "Well, you've got about 30 seconds before I come to my senses."
whichguy.wav(335K) whichguy.mp3(153K) whichguy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Asian Minister: "That's nice. You gay, you have daughter. It's nice."
Captain Tucker: "No, I'm not gay. This is Larry's daughter, Tori."
Asian Minister: "Oh, it's okay, man. You can come out of the down-low."
Captain Tucker: "I don't have to come out! I'm married."
Asian Minister: "Which one's your husband? You point him out."
Captain Tucker: "No, no! The lady in there."
Asian Minister: "Which guy?"
Captain Tucker: "No, no guy."