All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 11Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).

janitor.wav(70K) janitor.mp3(70K)

Thurgood (David Chappelle): "I myself am a master of the custodial arts, or a janitor if you want to be a dick about it."

grill.wav(99K) grill.mp3(99K)

Scarface (Guillermo Díaz): "You son-of-a-bitch, I'm right behind you. Turn around and ask me for a hefer with cheese yo. Why you got to make me feel inferior because I'm on the grill B? Damn!"

four.wav(126K) four.mp3(126K)

Brian (Jim Breuer): "Lady, you want seven bucks for a used Kenny Loggins record? I'll give you five."
Lady Customer: "No, He autographed it himself."
Brian: "Alright, I'll give you four."

drugs.wav(27K) drugs.mp3(27K)

Thurgood: "Now, I don't do drugs though. Just weed."

college.wav(14K) college.mp3(14K)

Thurgood: "What'd you go to weed college?"

munchies.wav(530K) munchies.mp3(530K)

Brian: "Get some sour cream and onion chips, and some dip man, and some beef jerky, and some peanut butter. Get some Haggen Daz ice cream bars, a whole lot of Ha..., make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate man, some popcorn, bread popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows, the little chocolate bars. We'll make some smores man."
Scarface: "Yeah, that's what I'm saying yo?"
Brian: "Also celery, grape jelly, uh Captain Crunch with the little crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas man, with everything on them, with water, a whold lot of water, and funions, yeah."
Kenny (Harland Williams): "Is that all?"
Brian: "Yeah."

the_guy.wav(90K) the_guy.mp3(90K)

The Guy on the Couch (Steven Wright): "Kenny called. He's in jail. He didn't leave a number. Sincerely The Guy on the Couch"

ten_percent.wav(125K) ten_percent.mp3(125K)

Thurgood: "Hey Kenny, we're gonna get you out of there man."
Scarface: "All we got to do is raise ten percent of one million man, which by our calculations is..."
Brian: "bleepin' impossible man."

maryjane.wav(43K) maryjane.mp3(43K)

Thurgood: "And your name is?"
Mary Jane: "Mary Jane."
Thurgood: "Really?"

wow.wav(82K) wow.mp3(82K)

Mary Jane: "My father is a drug dealer."
Thurgood: "Wow, that must have been the bleep!"
Mary Jane: "It ruined his life."
Thurgood: "That must have been bleepty."

dick.wav(43K) dick.mp3(43K)

Scarface: "Yeah, it's bad enough you're a janitor yo."
Thurgood: "Custodian DICK!"

responsibility.wav(229K) responsibility.mp3(229K)

Scientist (R.D. Reid): "I know this isn't your responsibility but, uh would you be a dear and run this down to the supply department for me? It's on the second floor."
Thurgood: "Just run this down?"
Scientist: "Uh yes, but make sure you bring the order right back to me. I need it A.S.A.P."
Thurgood: "Got ya. Hey, I know this isn't your responsibility but just mop the rest of this bleep up, I'll be right back."

pound.wav(48K) pound.mp3(48K)

Supply Clerk (Alice Poon): "Here you go. One pound of marijuana and you can sign for it right here."

u_sure.wav(21K) u_sure.mp3(21K)

Brian: "(Thurgood and Scarface are coughing) Are you sure I should do this man?"

lazy.wav(49K) lazy.mp3(49K)

Thurgood: "Hey, who's on munchies tonight?"
Scarface: "We should make that lazy bitch The Guy go yo. (The Guy flicks them off but they don't see)"

shiz-nittle-bam.wav(41K) shiz-nittle-bam.mp3(41K)

Thurgood: "This weed was the shiz-nittle-bam-snip-snap-sack"

homo_erectus.wav(114K) homo_erectus.mp3(114K)

Kenny: "I walk around on two legs Homo Erectus. Did I say homo? I didn't mean that."

forms.wav(62K) forms.mp3(62K)

Brian: "There's got to be forms laying around. I mean, they are scientists."

what.wav(25K) what.mp3(25K)

Thurgood: "What the bleep are you talking about man?"

memory.wav(38K) memory.mp3(38K)

Thurgood: "Marijuana affects the memory."

wussy.wav(23K) wussy.mp3(23K)

Scarface: "Stop being such a wussie yo."

huh.wav(5K) huh.mp3(5K)

Brian: "huh-uh."

fund.wav(35K) fund.mp3(35K)

Thurgood: "We're not drug dealers, we're fund raisers."

ok.wav(22K) ok.mp3(22K)

Scarface: "Of course B."
Brian: "Bully man."

check_it.wav(22K) check_it.mp3(22K)

Scarface: "Check it out yo. It's like this."

chill.wav(79K) chill.mp3(79K)

Squirrel Master (Tommy Chong): "Chill Nasty Nate, he's my bitch. Anybody's gonna stab him it's gonna be me. You got a problem with that?"

im_somebodys.wav(16K) im_somebodys.mp3(16K)

Kenny: "I'm sombody's bitch."

help.wav(121K) help.mp3(121K)

Kenny: "You guys got to do something. There's this guy in here his name's Nasty Nate whose's after my cocktail fruit. And everyone here likes fresh fish. And then the Squirrel Mastercame out of left field and tolm me I'm his bitch. And help."

fouryears.wav(29K) fouryears.mp3(29K)

Thurgood: "Four years just for weed? Damn!"

come_on.wav(68K) come_on.mp3(68K)

Thurgood: "Come on Mary Jane, I mean, do I look like someone who would smoke marijuana?"

i_got.wav(59K) i_got.mp3(59K)

Thurgood: "I got some booty. I got some booty. I got some booty."

on_weed1.wav(137K) on_weed1.mp3(137K)

Enhancement Smoker (Jon Stewart): "Did you ever see Scent of a Woman?"
Scarface: "Yup."
Enhancement Smoker: "You ever seen Scent of a Woman... on weed? That's the way to see it. It's just wacked."

on_weed2.wav(149K) on_weed2.mp3(149K)

Enhancement Smoker: "You ever seen the back of a 20 on weed. Oh there's some wierd bleep in there man. There's a dude sitting in the bushes. Does he have a gun? I don't know man. I don't know. What? Red team go. Red team go."

on_weed3.wav(27K) on_weed3.mp3(27K)

Enhancement Smoker: "Especially on weed man."

stopped.wav(54K) stopped.mp3(54K)

Scavenger Smoker (Snoop Doggy Dogg): "That's too bad man. I just stopped smoking yesterday. (takes another hit)"

dime.wav(37K) dime.mp3(37K)

Historian Smoker (Willie Nelson): "Man, I remember when a dime bag cost a dime. You know what I mean?"

condoms.wav(72K) condoms.mp3(72K)

Historian Smoker: "You know how much condoms used to cost back in them days?"
Thurgood: "How much?"
Historian Smoker: "I don't know. I... We never used them."

i_quit.wav(75K) i_quit.mp3(75K)

Scarface: "bleep you. bleep you. bleep you. You're cool. And bleep you. I'm out."

fired.wav(427K) fired.mp3(427K)

Brian: "Don't worry. Don't worry, I'm not gonna do what everyone thinks I'm gonna do and flip out man. All I wanna know is who's coming with me? Who's coming man? Who's coming with me? Huh? Who's coming with me man?"
Jan: "I will."
Brian: "Jan, thank you Jan yeah."

girlfriend.wav(113K) girlfriend.mp3(113K)

Brian: "Um Jan, will you be my girlfriend?"
Jan (Laura Silverman): "Uh, I would but I'm gay. You know..."
Brian: "Oh"
Jan: "Yeah, I'm a big dyke."

mama.wav(24K) mama.mp3(24K)

Sir Smoke-a-lot (David Chappelle): "HE HAD SEX WITH MY MAMA!"

help2.wav(33K) help2.mp3(33K)

Sir Smoke-a-lot: "God, if you're listening HELP!"

doctors.wav(19K) doctors.mp3(19K)

Sir Smoke-a-lot: "The doctors say I need a backiodemy"

get_away.wav(12K) get_away.mp3(12K)

Sir Smoke-a-lot: "Get away from me biatch"

no_more.wav(19K) no_more.mp3(19K)

Sir Smoke-a-lot: "I can't take it no more!"

myself.wav(56K) myself.mp3(56K)

Kenny: "(singing) All by myself."

jeopardy.wav(29K) jeopardy.mp3(29K)

Thurgood: "Kenny's butthole was in constant jeopardy."

garcia.wav(53K) garcia.mp3(53K)

Brian: "For 400 dollars I got Jerry Garcia in a POUCH man."

fibber.wav(17K) fibber.mp3(17K)

Brian: "Cause you're a fibber."

saving.wav(70K) saving.mp3(70K)

Thurgood: "And the money we do have is not for spending. It's for saving... Kenny's sweet virgin ass man."

i_swear.wav(23K) i_swear.mp3(23K)

Thurgood: "I swear I will BITCH slap you!"

focused.wav(67K) focused.mp3(67K)

Thurgood: "We gotta start being more responsibl,e (takes a hit) and focused alright. (takes another hit) Lets be sharp."

therapy.wav(186K) therapy.mp3(186K)

Creative Smoker (Janeane Garofalo): "I have killed. I have helped kill. I have killed part of myself. I cannot change this. I... I must seek buddah. I must seek christ."
Thurgood: "You must seek therapy."

macgyver.wav(174K) macgyver.mp3(174K)

MacGyver Friend (Marc Cohen): "Hey man, we're out of papers man."
MacGyver Smoker (Stephen Baldwin): "Alright, then get me a toilet paper roll, a cork screw, and some tin foil."
MacGyver Friend: "We don't have a cork screw."
MacGyver Smoker: "Alright, then get me an avacado, an ice pick, and my snorkel. Trust me bro, I've made bongs with less. Hurry up."

corn_field.wav(37K) corn_field.mp3(37K)

Kenny: "Did you ever take all your clothes off and run backwards through a corn field?"

set_up.wav(27K) set_up.mp3(27K)

Scarface: "Damn B, I've been set up."

coke.wav(44K) coke.mp3(44K)

Cocaine Addict (Bob Saget): "Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke."

have_you.wav(80K) have_you.mp3(80K)

Cocaine Addict: "You ever sucked some dick for marijuana?"
Thurgood: "No, no I can't say that I have."

jungle.wav(97K) jungle.mp3(97K)

Kenny: "Devil 666, the mark of the beast, NO, naughty, naughty jungle of love."

you_have.wav(21K) you_have.mp3(21K)

Thurgood: "You have smoked yourself retarded."

beach.wav(32K) beach.mp3(32K)

Thurgood: "(as a jamacan) Right near the beach. BOYEE!"

moving.wav(159K) moving.mp3(159K)

Thurgood: "Hey, seeing as how we don't know who you are and everything. Are you planning on moving out anytime soon."
The Guy on the Couch: "Thurgood, why don't you just focus on one thing at a time. I'll be fine. The robery is what's important now."

maui_wowie.wav(16K) maui_wowie.mp3(16K)

Thurgood: "MAUI WOWIE!"

run_4_it.wav(27K) run_4_it.mp3(27K)

Scarface: "Yo, I'm gonna make a run for it B."

nads.wav(25K) nads.mp3(25K)

Brain: "MY NADS! Hoh hoh hoh!"

attention.wav(46K) attention.mp3(46K)

Detective: "Are you paying attention?"
Brian: "No, I'm sorry."

girl.wav(18K) girl.mp3(18K)

Scarface: "Oh, damn girl, your titty."

sucks_to_be_u.wav(37K) sucks_to_be_u.mp3(37K)

Brian: "Huh huh huh, suck sot be you man!"

freeze.wav(35K) freeze.mp3(35K)

Detective: "Everybody freeze... nobody move!"

love_weed.wav(91K) love_weed.mp3(91K)

Thurgood: "But let me tell you something. I love weed. Ok, I LOVE IT! But, not as much as I love PUSSY!"