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Chinese Waiter (Rob Schneider): "Four scorpion bowl in five minutes? That's got to be a restaurant record."
Davey Stone (Adam Sandler): "Well, right now I'm going to go for another restaurant record: longest burp. (He burps)"
Chinese Waiter: "Congratulations. Now, please excuse me while I go take shower."

Cop #1 (Jonathan Loughran): "Hope you're not planning on driving tonight, Stone."
Davey: "Uh, no, officer. I'm just going to say good night to my car then walk home and enjoy the holiday decorations. Liston sweetheart. I have to leave you here alone tonight but don't you worry. I'll be back first thing in the morning. Now behave yourself, and don't stay up too late. Nighty-night. (beep beep of car alarm locking) All right, baby. But let's make this quick. Oh mama! You like it when I hold you like this? Because I'll do it all night long. So sweet. Yes, so precious. I love you, car."

Davey: "A clip of "Davey's Song" Written by Adam Sandler, ), Brooks Arthur and Brad Isaacs Performed by Adam Sandler"

Davey: "I think I'm gonna barf. (he says barf while belching.)"

Whitey (Adam Sandler): "Your horn works. Try the lights. (then he laughs)"

Davey: "Was that something you prepared, or did you just rhyme that many times in a row by accident."
Whitey: "Yeah, that was weird, wasn't it?"

Benjamin (Austin Stout): "Hi, Whitey. I got another Chanukah present tonight."
Whitey: "Wow, Benjamin, an Etch A Sketch. Not too shabby."
Davey: "That's a Game Boy, you idiot."
Whitey: "Oh, sorry, I'm not up on modern technology."

Benjamin: "First night, I got a basketball and some dreidels. Then, night tow, I got a pup tent so I can camp in the backyard. And tonight, I got this."
Davey: "Wow! Well, maybe on night four the Chanukah monster will come and take a big crap on your bed."
Jennifer (Jackie Titone): "Thanks for sharing the holiday spirit, psycho."

Davey: "I tell you, your girlfriend's backyard isn't sugar-free. That baby looks sweet."
Whitey: "Technical foul! Technical foul! That's a lady, and you will not speak about her that way!"
Davey: "Easy."

Whitey: "Can you imagine? A clip of "Patch Song" Written by Adam Sandler and Robert Smigel Performed by Adam Sandler"

Whitey: "Don't think you can intimidate me just because of my size."
Davey: "Why? You're smaller than me? I didn't notice that."

Whitey: "You got any sond or rock salt in there? I need to get some traction."
Davey: "'Got any sond or rock salt in there? Cause I need to get some...' Oh shut up!"

Whitey: "The worst has happened. I'm covered in human feces."

Narrator (Rob Schneider): "You are right. That was gross."

Davey: "Are you finally dead, old man?"
Whitey: "I'll be over to feed the cats in the morning, Mrs. Addison."

Davey: "He may be big but he's ugly, Benny."

Davey: "Uh-oh, looks like you better start showing the spaz some respect."
Brill (Todd Holland): "Just keep playing."

Davey: "Now say what I told you to say."
Benjamin: "Eat that nut-strap biaaaatch!"

Whitey: "My finger's in your mouth, kitty. But I don't feel no teeth."

Brill: "(Coughing and choking)"
Jock Strap Guy: "Why are you eating that?"
Brill: "(choking)"

Eleanore (Adam Sandler): "Hello?"
Telephone Kid (Kelly Dugan): "Hi, is Ophelia there?"
Eleanore: "Ophelia who?"
Telephone Kid: "Ophelia Hiney."
Eleanore: "Oh, feel my hiney? You hoodlums better bring my wig back! I know it was you!"

Eleanore: "It's a home-invasion robbery! Take whatever you want, but please don't chop my legs off!"
Whitey: "It's okay, Eleanore, it's okay."
Eleanore: "Whitey, thank God you're here. We're being robbed by a lunatic. Mister, if you're going to kill us, take off your wet shoes. They're soaking the carpet."

Whitey: "Eleanore, that's Davey Stone, my new partner."
Eleanore: "The criminal? Did he force you to bring him here so he could molest you?"

Davey, Whitey and Eleanore: "A clip of "Technical Foul" Written by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert, Brooks Arthur, Brad Isaacs and Steven Brill Performed by Adan Sandler"

Eleanore: "Now I can understond wrapping the cornmeal around the hot dog but why the heck would they shove this stick in here? I'm getting exhausted trying to cut around it."
Davey: "You're supposed to hold the stick and just eat the corn dog off of it."
Eleanore: "Oh, how futuristic."

Eleanore: "That's the saddest story I've ever heard."

Narrator: "Wow, just when you really started to like Davey, he goes and has a butthole relapse."

Davey and The Mall: "A clip of "Intervention Song" Written by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert, Brooks Arthur, Brad Isaacs and Steven Brill Performed by Adan Sandler and Eight Crazy Nights Cast"

Eleanore: "Whitey, they were giving out lobster bibs in the bathroom."
Whitey: "That's not a lobster bib, Eleanore. That's a germ protector for your tushy."
Eleanore: "Oh, okay. Well, I'll use it here. (she puts it on her chair.) My hiney is germfree and I love it."

Bus Driver (Allen Covert): "Run, hippie! Run!"

Cop #3: "You see something?"
Cop #4: "Just some deer doing a pyramid."
Cop #3: "Okay, well, let's keep looking."

Eleanore: "All you people can bite my germfree booty!"

Chinese Waiter: "I love it! Your ass busted! Now you go to jail and marry big, smelly man!"

Eight Crazy Nights Cast: ""Bum Biddy" Written by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert, Brooks Arthur, Brad Isaacs and Robert Smigel Performed by Adan Sandler and Eight Crazy Nights Cast"

Whitey: "I think Eleanore might like Florida and I hear they got some pretty amazing malls there."
Davey: "You're not going anywhere."
Whitey: "Huh?"
Eleanore: "Holy bleep, did the mall just say something?"

Mayor Stuey Duey (Kevin Nealon): "Whitey, tonight for the first time in years, your partnel, Davey Stone, actually did a good thing for this community."
Eleanore: "What'd he do, steal beer for everyone?"

Whitey: "You know, Stone, if my imaginary wife and I ever have a son, I hope you consider him a brother."
Davey: "Thanks, Whitey. And I'll pretend I never heard you say that."

Eleanore: "And when Benjamin falls asleep the both of you can play Spin the Dreidel for tongue kisses"

Eleanore: "Now, go live happily ever after or I'll have to dropkick the teeth out of your mouth."

Narrator: "Don't worry, folks. Whitey's okay."
Whitey: "This is the happiest seizure of my life."
Narrator: "See, I told you."

Adam Sandler: ""The Chanukah Song Part 3" Written by Adam Sandler, Lou Morton, Ian Maxtone-Graham, Robert Smigel, Jonathan Loughran, David Dorfman and Steven Koren Performed by Adam Sandler and The Chanukah Choir"