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Announcer From Trailer: "(The Definition of stupid) Stupid; A person below normal intelligence"

Lloyd: "They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?"

Harry: "Yeah, I called her up. She gave me a bunch of crap about not listening to her enough or somethin. I don't know, I wasn't paying attention."

Lloyd: "We've got no food. We've got no job, our pets HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!"

Harry: "I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this."
Lloyd: "I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver is full of bleep!"

Lloyd: "First time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I got that romantic, old fashioned feeling where I'd do anything to bone her."
Harry: "That's a special feeling Lloyd."

Lloyd (Jim Carrey): "That's a lovely accent you have there... New Jersey?"
Bus stop beauty (Lisa Stothard): "Austria."
Lloyd: "Austria! Well then... gooday mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie."

Lloyd: "Why you going to the airport... Flying somewhere?"
Mary Swanson (Lauren Holly): "How'd you guess?"
Lloyd: "Ah, I saw the luggage. Then when I noticed the airline ticket I put two and two together."

Lloyd: "So, where are you headed?"
Mary: "Aspin."
Lloyd: "Mmm, California... Beautiful."

Flight Director: "Sir, you can't go in there."
Lloyd: "It's OK, I'm a limo driver."

Harry (Jeff Daniels): "So, you got fired again huh?"
Lloyd: "Oh yeah!, they always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident."

Lloyd: "Man... You are one pathetic loser."

Lloyd: "Hey!, I guess they're right. Senior Citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose."

Lloyd: "I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart... And I didn't even see it coming."

Harry: "My parakeet Peetie, he's dead."
Lloyd: "Oh... oh man, I'm sorry, what happened?"
Harry: "His head fell off!"
Lloyd: "HIS HEAD FELL OFF!"
Harry: "Yeah, he was pretty old."

Harry: "You sold my dead bird to a blind kid! Lloyd, Peetie didn't even have a head."
Lloyd: "Harry, I took care of it!"

Lloyd: "Excuse me Flo?"

Lloyd: "Uh, what is the soup du jour?"
Waitress (Diane Kinerk): "It's the soup of the day."
Lloyd: "Mmm, that sounds good. I'll have that."

Lloyd: "Feels good to mingle with these layed back country folk don't it Harry? I-like-it-a-lot."

Sea bass (Cam Neely): "You gonna eat that?"
Harry: "What that...no...yes...no...well no...I...I...It crossed my mind. Yeah."

Lloyd: "Wait a sec... I think I just... Yeah, I just had an idea."

Harry: "That was geinius Lloyd... shear genius. Where did you come up with a scam like that?"
Lloyd: "I saw it in a movie once."
Harry: "Ha Ha that was increadible. So what happened... So the guy tricked some sucker into picking up his tab and gets away with it scott free."
Lloyd: "No, in the movie they catch up to him a half mile down the road and slit his throat... It was a good one huh huh."

Harry: "No sir, I W-w-w-w-w-wouldn't..."
Lloyd: "No sir, don't. Don't dri..."
Motorcycle Cop: "You'd keep your mouth shut if you knew what was good for ya buddy."
Motorcycle Cop: "(takes a swig of Lloyds piss from the beer bottle fllowed by some stange noises and a bitter face.)"
Lloyd: "Tic Tac sir?"

Harry: "We had the most increadibly romantic time together. I thought we were gonna be together forever. And then...huh...oh boy...huh... about a week later, right out of the blue, she sends me a John Deer letter."

Harry: "According to the map we've only gone about four inches. You know, I don't think we have enough gas money."

Lloyd: "How much you wanna bet?"
Harry: "I don't bet."
Lloyd: "What do you mean you don't bet?"
Harry: "I mean I don't bet. You know that. I don't gamble."
Lloyd: "Pussy."
Harry: "I don't."
Lloyd: "Pussy."
Harry: "I never have..."
Lloyd: "Pussy."
Harry: "...and I never will."
Lloyd: "Yeah right! I'll bet you 20 bucks that I can get you gambling before the end of the day."
Harry: "No Way!"
Lloyd: "I'll give you 3-1 odds."
Harry: "Nope."
Lloyd: "5-1."
Harry: "Nope."
Lloyd: "10-1."
Harry: "You're on."
Both: "(Laugh)"
Lloyd: "I'm gonna get ya."
Harry: "Uh uh."
Lloyd: "Uh huh. I don't know how but I'm gonna get ya."
Harry: "Nuh uh."
Lloyd: "Yah."
Harry: "Nuh uh."
Lloyd: "Oh yah."
Both: "(Laugh)"

Lloyd: "You're It!"
Harry: "You're It."
Lloyd: "You're it, Quitzies."
Harry: "Anti-quitzies."
Lloyd: "You're it."
Harry: "Quitzies, no anti-quitzies, no startzies"
Lloyd: "You can't do that!"
Harry: "You can to."
Lloyd: "Can not, stamp it!"
Harry: "Can to, double stamp it, no erasies."
Lloyd: "Can not, triple stamp it, no erasies, touch blue make it true."
Harry: "No no no, you can't triple stamp a double stamp."
Lloyd: "La la la."
Harry: "You can't triple stamp a double stamp Lloyd."
Lloyd: "La la la la."
Harry: "You can't triple stamp a double stamp."
Lloyd: "La la la."
Harry: "Lloyd!"
Lloyd: "La la la."
Harry: "Lloyd!"

Lloyd: "Hey, wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world? Ainahnahnanh! (You know the sound...)"

Lloyd and Harry: "(The entire Mockong Bird song up to the point of the rude interuption by the gas man.)"

Lloyd: "Check please (Immediately after the gas man dies.)"

Detective Dale (Felton Perry): "Did you get a make on the vehicle."
Dale's man (Lawrence Kopp): "Ah, yes sir, They're driving an 84... sheepdog."

Harry: "Skis huh?"
Beth Jordan: "That's right."
Harry: "Great, they yours?"
Beth Jordan: "Uh huh."
Harry: "Both of them?"
Beth Jordan: "Yah."
Harry: "Huh... cool."

Lloyd: "Hey guys, whoa, big gulps huh? Alright. Well see ya later."

Lloyd: "(Hits Harry with a balled up piece of trash) Hey, I was wondering when you were gonna get up."

Lloyd: "Got room for one more if you still want to go to Aspin."
Harry: "Where did you find that?"
Lloyd: "Some kid back in town, traded the van for it strait up. I can get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog."
Harry: "You know Lloyd, just when I think you couldn't be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totaly redeem yourself!"
Both: "(Laugh and try to give each other a high five but miss.)"

Harry: "I got... I gotta stop and got to the bathroom"
Lloyd: "Just go man. Oh... that's really warm."

: "(Looking at a couple walking by)"
Harry: "Holy Jesus, look at the butt on that."
Lloyd: "Yeah, he must work out."

Lloyd: "Slimmon... Sommen... Simmon... So... Swenson... Swanson? "
Harry: "Maybe on the breifcase. Look on the..."
Lloyd: "Oh yeah! It's right here... Samsonite! I was way off. I knew it started with an "S" though"

Harry: "Nice set of hooters you have there."
Mary: "I beg your pardon?"
Harry: "The owls, there beautiful."

Harry: "One time we successfully mated a bulldog with a bleepzu..."
Mary: "Really, that's weird."
Harry: "Yeah, we... we called it a Bullbleep."

Lloyd: "(Reading a framed headline) No Way! That's great... We've Landed On The Moon! "

Mary: "So, you'll pick me up tonight at 7:45?"
Harry: "No, uh, well no I got a few things I gotta take care of first. How about quarter to eight."
Mary: "(Laughs)"
Harry: "OK, 7:45."

Lloyd: "I desperately want to make love to a school boy."

Harry: "Then they slaped this bullet proof vest on me and gave me a gun."
Lloyd: "But what if he shot you in the face?"
Harry: "What if they shot me in the face?"
Beth Jordan: "That's a risk we were willing to take."