All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 11Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).

hateyourself.wav(175K) hateyourself.mp3(175K)

White Goodman (Ben Stiller): "Here at Globo Gym we understand that ugliness and fatness are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it. And that's where we come in. (maniacal laugh)"

frankenfine.wav(92K) frankenfine.mp3(92K)

White: "And with our competitively priced onsite cosmetic surgery, we can turn that frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning into a franken-fine!"

legalsense.wav(78K) legalsense.mp3(78K)

White: "Of course you'll still be you in a legal sense, but think of it as a thinner, more attractive, better you than you could ever become without us."

betterthanyou.wav(49K) betterthanyou.mp3(49K)

White: "Because here at Globo Gym--"
White And Gym Members: "We're better than you!"
White: "And we know it."

dvdsoverdue.wav(131K) dvdsoverdue.mp3(131K)

Seth: "This is Seth from Videorama. The following DVDs are now overdue: Drunken Hussies 3, Backdoor Patrol 5, and Mona Lisa Smile. Thank you."

thejackpot.wav(93K) thejackpot.mp3(93K)

Peter La Fleur (Vince Vaughn): "Keep your chin up. There's someone out there for everybody."
Owen (Joel Moore): "You think?"
Peter: "Absolutely. You know, in some cases, there's two somebodys for one person. I like to call that the jackpot."

notaloser.wav(194K) notaloser.mp3(194K)

Peter: "What are you doing with all the weight anyway? It's dangerous."
Justin (Justin Long): "It'll be worth it when I make the cheerleading squad this time to prove to Amber and everyone else that I'm not a loser."
Peter: "Okay, hang on a second. You want to become a cheerleader to prove to a girl that you are not a loser?"
Justin: "Yeah. Why?"
Peter: "Nothing, just high school's changed a little bit since I was a kid."

superpsyched.wav(22K) superpsyched.mp3(22K)

Justin: "Justin Redman ready and super-psyched!"

itwastheworst.wav(13K) itwastheworst.mp3(13K)

Justin: "It was the worst."

yourownpace.wav(21K) yourownpace.mp3(21K)

Peter: "Go at your own pace. That's what it's there for."

burriedtreasure.wav(140K) burriedtreasure.mp3(140K)

Steve the Pirate: "The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt. I'll make a barter with you. True as the north star."
Peter: "Alright."
Steve the Pirate: "In exchange for your kindness, I'll be splittin' me burried treasure with you once I find it, that be."

harassment.wav(104K) harassment.mp3(104K)

Peter: "Well, you are very attractive for a banker."
Kate Veatch (Christine Taylor): "Thank you, I'm not a banker, I'me a lawyer."
Peter: "Really? And what kind of law are you involved in, Pretty Eyes?"
Kate: "Sexual harassment, mostly."

justwarnings.wav(123K) justwarnings.mp3(123K)

Peter: "Hang on a second, you're saying this place here is in default?"
Kate: "No, you're in forclosure. You were in default during the six months we sent you delinquency notices."
Peter: "I thought that those were just warnings."
Kate: "They were warnings."
Peter: "Well, no one warned me."

50000dollars.wav(167K) 50000dollars.mp3(167K)

Peter: "What's the damage? What do I owe you?"
Kate: "$50,000."
Peter: "(long pause) Personal check gonna be okay? Might have to wait till the end of the month to go ahead and cash 'er because I do have to switch some funds around. Unfortunately, the charity I like to work with is gonna take a hit."

msmrimamsaswell.wav(206K) msmrimamsaswell.mp3(206K)

Kate: "Mr. La Fleur, I can assure you this is a very serious situation."
Peter: "No, I, look-- This is extreamly serious, Mrs uh, Veatch."
Kate: "It's Ms. I'm gonna need to review all your financial statements and assess any tax liabilities there may be."
Peter: "Uh, absolutely. I don't know how you say Ms for a Mr because it's just Mr, but if their was a Ms-Mr I'm a Ms as well."

keepers.wav(81K) keepers.mp3(81K)

Kate: "You do keep financial records, don't you, invoices, revenue reports, taxabe income?"
Peter: "You kidding me? I have a whole closet full."
Kate: "Here?"
Peter: "Yeah, I call 'em keepers."

theyaregood.wav(114K) theyaregood.mp3(114K)

White: "Refreshment? I've got protein paste, carb laxative. oh, suffocated kumquat, perhaps?"
Peter: "No, thank you. I'm actually trying to cut down on those. They're good. They are good."

differences.wav(154K) differences.mp3(154K)

Peter: "Look, White, I know that we've had our differences in the past."
White: "Differences? Is that what you call sleeping with three of my female trainers?"
Peter: "It was one night?"
White: "Or how about tha strip-o-gram you sent me for the Globo Gym one-year anniversary?"
Peter: "The stripper was meant to be congratulatory."
White: "It was also a man."

cupholders.wav(62K) cupholders.mp3(62K)

White: "I have shareholders. You haven't even got cup holders."
Peter: "Why would I want cup holders?"

skidmark.wav(52K) skidmark.mp3(52K)

White: "Your gym is a skidmark on the underpants of society."

73313cdn.wav(289K) 73313cdn.mp3(289K)

Owen: "Why don't we pay it off in Canadian dollars and save ourselves some money?"
Peter: "Alright, just so you know, if that's a route that you're interested in traveling, it's $50,000 american, it would be 70,000, roughly, Canadian dollars."
Owen: "Howe are we gonna come up with $120,000?"
Gordon (Stephen Root): "Owen, no, no. You don't add 'em together. And technically, Peter, I'm sorry to say this, but it's uh, more like $73,313."
Dwight (Chris Williams): "Well, it doesn't matter. Weacan't come up with $50,000. We're screwed."
Steve the Pirate: "Gar!"

insurmountable.wav(27K) insurmountable.mp3(27K)

Gordon: "It seams to me an insurmountable amount of money."

onlyplacefor.wav(35K) onlyplacefor.mp3(53K)

Steve the Pirate: "Gar, Joe's be the only place for Steve."

playdodgeball.wav(15K) playdodgeball.mp3(15K)

Gordon: "We could play dodgeball."

metaphore.wav(16K) metaphore.mp3(16K)

Kate: "That is a really interesting painting."
White: "Oh, thank you. Yeah, that's uh, me taking the bull by the horns. That's how I handle my business. It's a metaphore."

shackles.wav(153K) shackles.mp3(153K)

White: "There's no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship, unless of course you're into that kind of thing, in which case I got some shackles in the back. I'm just kiddin' but seriously, I've got 'em."

personality.wav(200K) personality.mp3(200K)

White: "You like it with those freaks over there in loser town, huh?"
Kate: "Freaks? They're not freaks, they're people just like you and me."
White: "(laughing) People? People just like you and me? Ah, man, that is what I love about you, Kate, you've got a personality. Ah, that is rich."

weshouldmate.wav(154K) weshouldmate.mp3(154K)

White: "We should mate."
Kate: "What?"
White: "Date. We should date somethime, you know, socially. Go out and kick it. Are you okay?"
Kate: "I'm fine, I just, uh, threw up in my mouth a little bit."

onlyeatvomit.wav(136K) onlyeatvomit.mp3(136K)

Kate: "I'm fine, I just, uh, threw up in my mouth a little bit."
White: "Yeah, you know, in some cultures they only eat vomit. I've never been there but I read about it in a book."

whereyoueat.wav(105K) whereyoueat.mp3(105K)

Kate: "I'm sorry, Mr Goodman, I don't date clients."
White: "I get it. Don't crap where you eat. I understand."

thejeepers.wav(69K) thejeepers.mp3(69K)

Narrator: "Hey there, Timmy!"
Timmy (Cayden Boyd): "Holy mackerel, Mister, you scared the jeepers out of me."

hondonasec.wav(47K) hondonasec.mp3(47K)

Young Patches O'Houlihan (Hank Azaria): "Whoa, whoa, hang on a second there, sport."

dodgeballis.wav(187K) dodgeballis.mp3(187K)

Young Patches: "But remember, dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion and degradation. So, when you're picking players in Gym class, remember to pick the bigger, stronger kids for your team. That way you can all gang up on the weaker ones."

allstaryet.wav(34K) allstaryet.mp3(34K)

Young Patches: "Nice on, son. You'll be an all-star yet."

5dsofdodgeball.wav(84K) 5dsofdodgeball.mp3(84K)

Young Patches: "Just remember the five Ds of dodgeball: Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and Dodge."

goalinlife.wav(164K) goalinlife.mp3(164K)

Kate: "I'm curious, is it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goal in life?"
Peter: "I've found that if you have a goal that you might not reach it but if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell you, it feals phenomenal"

reallysadway.wav(88K) reallysadway.mp3(88K)

Kate: "Well, I guess that makes sense, in a really sad way."
Peter: "Sad? You wanna know what's sad? Six grown mean playing dodgeball."

sinceimhere.wav(45K) sinceimhere.mp3(45K)

Gordon: "Since I'm here, I'm gonna go ahead and probably do some abs, gonna shock it up, gonna let it go."

bollocks.wav(11K) bollocks.mp3(11K)

Steve the Pirate: "Bollocks!"

reallybedead.wav(24K) reallybedead.mp3(24K)

Justin: "I think that guy might really be dead."

jokeyjokemaker.wav(61K) jokeyjokemaker.mp3(61K)

White: "That's great, go ahead, make your jokes, Mr Jokey Joke-Maker."

whatisaid.wav(286K) whatisaid.mp3(286K)

White: "You should quit now and save yourself the embarassment of losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur."
Peter: "Alliteration aside, I think I'll take my chances in the tournament."
White: "Yeah, you will take your chances."
Peter: "I know. I just said that."
White: "I know you just said that."
Peter: "Okay, I'm not sure where you're going with this."
White: "Well, I'm not sure where you're going with this."
Peter: "That's what I just said."
White: "That's what I'm saying to you."
Peter: "All right."
White: "Touche."

lineupladies.wav(24K) lineupladies.mp3(24K)

Patches O'Houlihan (Rip Torn): "Line up, ladies!"

dodgeawrench.wav(77K) dodgeawrench.mp3(77K)

Patches: "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball."
Justin: "What? (Patches hits him with a wrench.)"

necessary.wav(164K) necessary.mp3(164K)

Peter: "Are you sure that this is completely necessary?"
Patches: "Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?"
Peter: "Probably not."
Patches: "No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste."

dodgetraffic.wav(38K) dodgetraffic.mp3(38K)

Patches: "If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball."

imfineimokay.wav(99K) imfineimokay.mp3(99K)

Gordon: "(Hit by a car and gets up) I'm fine. I'm okay. (Hit by another car)"

youangrynow.wav(161K) youangrynow.mp3(161K)

Patches: "Where's your killer instinct, son? You've got to get angry! You've got to get mean! Thet's the only way you can play."
Gordon: "I guess I'm not really an angry person."
Patches: "(He hits him in the balls) Are you angry now?"

alesbian.wav(67K) alesbian.mp3(67K)

Dwight: "Man, she got to be a lesbian."
Peter: "She is not a lesbian."
Patches: "All I know is that dyke can play."

weneedyou.wav(20K) weneedyou.mp3(20K)

Gordon: "We need you. You're really good."

mouthwhere.wav(31K) mouthwhere.mp3(31K)

Peter: "Come on, Kate. It's time to put your mouth where our balls are."

thehippies.wav(103K) thehippies.mp3(103K)

Kate: "What are you doing here? How do you, uh know where I live?"
White: "It's called the Freedom of Information Act, Kate. The hippies finally got semething right. Just kiddin' but not really."

freakynaughty.wav(60K) freakynaughty.mp3(60K)

White: "Well, I can be naughty too. Real freaky naughty."

gettotouchme.wav(45K) gettotouchme.mp3(45K)

Kate: "(She slams White against the wall) You don't get to touch me ever!"

myownblood.wav(38K) myownblood.mp3(38K)

White: "Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. Nobody!"

wasntweird.wav(15K) wasntweird.mp3(15K)

Peter: "Well, at least that wasn't weird."

espn8theocho.wav(125K) espn8theocho.mp3(125K)

Cotton McKnight (Gary Cole): "Here on ESPN 8 'The Ocho'. Bringing you the finest in seldom-seen sports from around the globe since 1999. If it's almost a sport, we've got it here."

familyfun.wav(67K) familyfun.mp3(67K)

Cotton: "How about those dodgeball dancers, folks?"
Pepper Brooks (Jason Bateman): "That is some good clean family fun there, eh, Cot?"
Cotton: "Right you are."

thatsrad.wav(49K) thatsrad.mp3(49K)

Cotton: "Oh my sweet Jesus."
Pepper: "That's rad."

youguyssuck.wav(58K) youguyssuck.mp3(58K)

Fan: "Hey, bleephole, you guys suck!"
Peter: "Thank you. Nice, nice to be in Vegas."

switcharoo.wav(27K) switcharoo.mp3(27K)

Cotton: "How about that, it's a two-on-one switcharoo."

ball-less.wav(34K) ball-less.mp3(34K)

Cotton: "He's ball-less now!"
Pepper: "He doesn't have any balls, cotton!"

mysweetdick.wav(38K) mysweetdick.mp3(38K)

Patches: "Oh, my sweet dick, it's magic."

ifeelshocked.wav(53K) ifeelshocked.mp3(53K)

Cotton: "Average Joe's wins in a shocking upset."
Pepper: "I feel shocked!"

celebrate.wav(109K) celebrate.mp3(109K)

Patches: "I've got some hookers in my room. What do you say we go celebrate. My treat."
Peter: "No, thanks. I-- I think I'll just stick with the scarf here, but thank you, though."
Patches: "Suit yourself, queer."

testicles.wav(27K) testicles.mp3(27K)

Cotton: "Oh, right in the testicles!"

ouchtown.wav(29K) ouchtown.mp3(29K)

Pepper: "Ouch town, population you, bro."

pumpkins.wav(95K) pumpkins.mp3(95K)

Cotton: "It looks like the clock is about to strike midnight on this cinderella storry turning Average Joe's into the proverbial pumpkin."
Pepper: "I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton."

crazysonofa.wav(36K) crazysonofa.mp3(36K)

Patches: "Go, you crazy son of a bitch!"

ourtaints.wav(84K) ourtaints.mp3(84K)

Gordon: "Guys, what are we gonna do without Patches?"
Dwight: "We're gonna get our taints handed to us, that's what."
Justin: "What's a taint?"
Gordon: "I don't know. Sounds bad."

dondeesta.wav(25K) dondeesta.mp3(25K)

White: "Donde esta la biblioteca, Pedro?"

alotdumber.wav(70K) alotdumber.mp3(70K)

Peter: "You're a lot dumber than I thought."
White: "Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you thought that I think that I was once."

iknowyou.wav(66K) iknowyou.mp3(66K)

White: "I know you. You know you. And I know you know that I know you."

seamonster.wav(38K) seamonster.mp3(38K)

Steve the pirate: "Gar. Steve's got to go drain the sea monster."

haveabathroom.wav(92K) haveabathroom.mp3(92K)

Owen: "I'm gonna catch up with you guys later. I'm gonna go have a bathroom-- Go to the drink-- in the bathroom."
Dwight: "Whatever you do, wash your hands."

likeapirate.wav(153K) likeapirate.mp3(153K)

Dwight: "We're still missing the teenage love puppy, and Steve the pirate."
Owen: "Who's Steve the Pirate?"
Dwight: "The only guy on our team who dresses like a pirate."
Owen: "Wait, there's a guy on our team dressed like a pirate?"

reasontoquit.wav(215K) reasontoquit.mp3(215K)

Peter: "Actuolly I decided to quit, Lance."
Lance Armstrong: "Quit? You know, once I was thinking about quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer all at the same time, but with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit."

boldstrategy.wav(105K) boldstrategy.mp3(105K)

Cotton: "I'm being told that Average Joe's does not have enough players and will be forfeiting the championship match."
Pepper: "It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em."

chucknorris.wav(18K) chucknorris.mp3(18K)

Peter: "Thank you, Chuck Norris."

wordcotton.wav(34K) wordcotton.mp3(34K)

Cotton: "He's gotta make a play here, Pepper."
Pepper: "Yeah, word, Cotton."

paydouble.wav(82K) paydouble.mp3(82K)

Cotton: "Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one, a menage a trois of pain."
pepper: "Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton."

needsnewshorts.wav(99K) needsnewshorts.mp3(99K)

Cotton: "Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to witness the greatest happening in sports, sudden death dodgeball."
Pepper: "Pepper needs new shorts!"

revealsit.wav(72K) revealsit.mp3(72K)

Cotton: "This sport doesn't build character, it reveals it."
Pepper: "Effin' A, Cotton. Effin' A!"

effina.wav(33K) effina.mp3(33K)

Pepper: "Effin' A, Cotton. Effin' A!"

byebye.wav(73K) byebye.mp3(73K)

Patches: "You can do it. I believe in you. Bye bye."

seeverywell.wav(115K) seeverywell.mp3(115K)

Cotton: "In 23 years of broadcasting, I thought I'd seen it all, folks. But it looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself."
Pepper: "Yeah, he will not be able to see very well, Cotton."

philosophizer.wav(100K) philosophizer.mp3(100K)

Peter: "It's true that every man has his price. And it's also true that woney won is a lot sweeter than money earned."
White: "Now he's a philosophizer."

wowgoodcall.wav(45K) wowgoodcall.mp3(45K)

Dwight: "I told you she was a lesbian."
Peter: "Wow, good call."

ohsnap.wav(13K) ohsnap.mp3(13K)

Dwight: "Oh, snap."

chucknorris2.wav(18K) chucknorris2.mp3(18K)

White: "bleepin' Chuck Norris."

youreallhappy.wav(266K) youreallhappy.mp3(266K)

White: "Yeah, I hope you're all happy now. Good guy wins, bad guy loses. Big friggin' surprize. I love happy endings."

complexity.wav(108K) complexity.mp3(108K)

White: "You know, that's the problem with the American cinema, can't handle any complexity in it. You know, don't make me think. I kust want to be entertained."

mymilkshake.wav(390K) mymilkshake.mp3(390K)

White: "Alright, fine. You want a little somethin' somethin' for the ride home? Check these boots out for size. (He then sings along to "Milkshake" by Kelis)"

makeafunny.wav(33K) makeafunny.mp3(33K)

White: "You happy, fatty make a funny?"