Bad Santa price at: amazon
All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 11Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).
suckedmore.wav(62K) suckedmore.mp3(62K) suckedmore.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie (Billy Bob Thornton): "I've seen some pretty bleepty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this."
killedmyself.wav(151K) killedmyself.mp3(151K) killedmyself.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "If I'd known I was gonna have to put up with screaming brats pissing on my lap for 30 days out of the year, I would have killed myself a long time ago. Come to think of it, I still might."
celebrate.wav(137K) celebrate.mp3(137K) celebrate.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "Where I come from, we didn't celebrate Christmas. Not because we were Jewish, but because my dad was a worthless coward bleeping bleephole whose idea of a present was a daily punch to the back of the head. He did teach me how to crack a safe, though."
somemagic.wav(132K) somemagic.mp3(132K) somemagic.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Milwaukee Bratty Boy (Dylan Charles): "I saw you at another mall."
Willie: "Well, I'm very happy for you."
Milwaukee Bratty Boy: "You're not really Santa. If you were Santa, you could do magic."
Willie: "You want to see some magic? Here, let's watch you disappear."
thatsanewone.wav(67K) thatsanewone.mp3(67K) thatsanewone.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "Watch the bladder, kid. Santa's gotta pee. What do you want?"
Milwaukee Boy (Harrison Bieker): "A new bike."
Willie: "A new bike? Wow, that's a new one. Next one."
inthere.wav(86K) inthere.mp3(86K) inthere.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "What the hell's wrong with you? Trying to bleepin' leave here."
Milwaukee Security Guard (Billy Gardell): "Pants are awful baggy, you got anything in there?"
Willie: "Yeah, my dick. You want to see it?"
theloofah.wav(131K) theloofah.mp3(131K) theloofah.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Marcus (Tony Cox): "I'm going back upstairs. I need a melon baller and a loofah."
Willie: "Got it. (opens safe and the money comes tumbling out)"
Marcus: "bleep the loofah, let's go!"
92lbsyoudick.wav(124K) 92lbsyoudick.mp3(124K) 92lbsyoudick.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "Hey, baby, two more of these, all right?"
Marcus: "No, that's it for me."
Willie: "You can't drink worth a bleep, you know that?"
Marcus: "I weigh 92 pounds, you dick."
alarmclock.wav(291K) alarmclock.mp3(291K) alarmclock.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "(Sleeping soundly, snoring and the alarm clock goes off playing 'Holly Jolly Christmas' by Burl Ives and he tries to get it to stop) bleepin' bleep! bleep you! bleep you! bleep you!"
adultjoke.wav(223K) adultjoke.mp3(223K) adultjoke.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear? Is that what you're saying to me?"
Bob Chipeska (John Ritter): "I'm sorry, your gear?"
Willie: "My bleep stick."
Marcus: "Hey, Willie. Take a seat. You know how your blood sugar is."
Bob Chipeska: "He's not going to say 'bleep stick' in front of the children, is he?"
Marcus: "No, no, no. It's a joke. An adult joke for us adults."
fragglestickcar.wav(105K) fragglestickcar.mp3(105K) fragglestickcar.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "What do you want?"
Fraggle-Stick Boy (Hayden Bromberg): "Fraggle Stick car."
Willie: "What the bleep is that?"
Fraggle-Stick Boy: "Fraggle Stick car."
Willie: "Well, I heard you. Fraggle Stick car, fine."
notthedmv.wav(70K) notthedmv.mp3(70K) notthedmv.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "Next. I said next, bleep damn it. This is not the DMV, all right? Move it along."
mongoloid.wav(50K) mongoloid.mp3(50K) mongoloid.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "Great, another bleeping mongoloid. Marcus, get this kid off me before he pisses on me, all right?"
wasntclean.wav(175K) wasntclean.mp3(175K) wasntclean.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "Don't bleep with my beard."
The Kid (Brett Kelly): "It's not real."
Willie: "No bleep. Well, it was real. But, you see, I got sick and all the hair fell out. SO I have to wear this bleepin' thing."
The Kid: "How'd you get sick?"
Willie: "I loved a woman who wasn't clean."
The Kid: "Mrs. Santa?"
Willie: "No, it was her sister."
suburbs.wav(97K) suburbs.mp3(97K) suburbs.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
The Kid: "What's it like at the North Pole?"
Willie: "Like the suburbs."
The Kid: "Which one?"
Willie: "Apache Junction. What the bleep do you care?"
fashion.wav(120K) fashion.mp3(120K) fashion.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
The Kid: "You are really Santa, right?"
Willie: "No, I'm an accountant. I wear this bleeping thing as a fashion statement, all right?"
The Kid: "Okay."
Willie: "Marcus, get this kid out of here. He's freaking me out."
lollipopguild.wav(162K) lollipopguild.mp3(162K) lollipopguild.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "Yeah, why don't you get going? You'll be late for your 'Wizard of Oz' Candy Bar Guild."
Marcus: "Lollipop Guild, you bleephole. Jesus' two year olds flip me better bleep than you."
Willie: "You saying something to me?"
Marcus: "Yeah. I'm gonna stick my whole fist up your ass."
eatingdrinking.wav(37K) eatingdrinking.mp3(37K) eatingdrinking.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "I'm an eating, drinking, bleeping, bleeping Santa Clause."
offyourmeds.wav(26K) offyourmeds.mp3(26K) offyourmeds.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "Are you off you bleepin' meds or something?"
onyourhead.wav(157K) onyourhead.mp3(157K) onyourhead.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "What is it with you anyway? Somebody drop you on your bleeping head?"
The Kid: "On my head?"
Willie: "Well, yeah. What are they gonna drop you on sombody else's head?"
The Kid: "How can they drop me onto my own head?"
Willie: "No, not onto your... Would... bleep damn it! Are you bleeping with me?"
grandma.wav(263K) grandma.mp3(263K) grandma.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "Is Daddy home?"
The Kid: "He's on an adventure, exploring mountains. He's been gone a long time."
Willie: "Exploring mountains, huh? How long is he gonna be gone?"
The Kid: "Till next year."
Willie: "Yeah? What about Mommy?"
The Kid: "She lives in God's house with Jesus and Mary and the ghost and the long eared donkey and the talking walnut."
Willie: "Well, who the bleep takes care of you, then?"
The Kid: "Grandma."
Willie: "Yeah? What's her name?"
The Kid: "Grandma."
fornicate.wav(207K) fornicate.mp3(207K) fornicate.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bob Chipeska: "Forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um, fornicate...?"
Bob Chipeska: "Yes, with a heavyset woman in the Big & Tall dressing room?"
Willie: "Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But, uh, as far as I can recall, I've never fornicated anybody."
youpeople.wav(252K) youpeople.mp3(252K) youpeople.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bob Chipeska: "No, no, no. This is not a handicap thing. I have nothing against you people."
Willie: "'You people'? Did you hear that Marcus? He said, 'You people'. 'You people'?"
Bob Chipeska: "Who the hell is 'us people'?"
Willie: "No, wait, wait. No, no. I... You don't under... What? He... No, no. Um, you know, I think it's best if... if... if we just forget we had this conversation."
youlousy.wav(57K) youlousy.mp3(57K) youlousy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Marcus: "Motherbleeper. Oh you lousy bleeping motherbleep."
foramonth.wav(274K) foramonth.mp3(274K) foramonth.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bob Chipeska: "A couple of days ago, I was in, uh, Women's Big & Tall. And, uh, I heard these, um, you know, these noises. And I heard a woman screaming, 'Yeah. Oh, yeah.'. And I heard his voice saying, 'That's right. You ain't going to S-H-I-T right for a month.'."
uneasy.wav(86K) uneasy.mp3(86K) uneasy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bob Chipeska: "I just... I just can't help it. There's something about the guy that makes me uneasy."
Gin (Bernie Mac): "Well, sure. Santa bleeping someone in the ass."
mypresent.wav(226K) mypresent.mp3(226K) mypresent.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
The Kid: "Santa!"
The Kid: "You're bringing my present early?"
The Kid: "But I never told you what I wanted."
Willie: "I said I didn't bring it, dipbleep."
The Kid: "Okay, good. I want a stuffed elephant. A pink one."
Willie: "Well, wish in one hand and bleep in the other one. See which one fills up first."
The Kid: "Okay."
northpole.wav(117K) northpole.mp3(117K) northpole.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "So I'm gonna be staying here for a while. Uh, things are all bleeped up at the North Pole. See, Mrs. Sant caught me bleeping her sister and' uh, I'm out on my ass now. She got half of everything."
havekids.wav(140K) havekids.mp3(140K) havekids.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
The Kid: "Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids?"
Willie: "No. Thank the bleep christ."
The Kid: "What about the elves?"
Willie: "Well, they stay with Mrs. Santa. I get them on the weekends. Why don't you go run me a bath."
theirnames.wav(356K) theirnames.mp3(356K) theirnames.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
The Kid: "What are their names?"
The Kid: "The elves."
Willie: "Oh, bleep. I can't remember. I think one of them is Sneezy. There's a Dopey."
The Kid: "That's the Seven Dwarfs."
Willie: "Oh, you're bleepting me. I thought... I was thinking it was the... I don't know. bleep, kid. I just call them, you know, 'bub'. I call... I say, 'Hey, bub' or 'chief' or whatever the bleep. You know I tell 'em to make the bleepdamn toy. What the bleep is wrong with you? I can't remember this bleep! Does everything with you have to be a bleeping test?"
The Kid: "How old aro they?"
sandwiches.wav(169K) sandwiches.mp3(169K) sandwiches.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
The Kid: "You want cookies?"
The Kid: "Warm milk?"
The Kid: "Should I fix you some sandwiches?"
Willie: "I don't want any bleeping sandwiches. What is it with you and fixing bleeping sandwiches?"
The Kid: "Okay. Do you want anything else?"
watchthenuts.wav(30K) watchthenuts.mp3(30K) watchthenuts.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "Jesus bleep, kid, watch the nuts."
awesomestory.wav(286K) awesomestory.mp3(286K) awesomestory.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
The Kid: "So Joseph went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem, the town of David. In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. Everyone went to his hometown to register."
Willie: "That it?"
The Kid: "Yep."
Willie: "That's an awesome bleeping story, kid."
The Kid: "There's more to it, but we have to wait till tomorrow."
dumbest.wav(87K) dumbest.mp3(87K) dumbest.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Marcus: "You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot eating bleep that has ever slid from a human being's hairy ass."
lunchbreak.wav(172K) lunchbreak.mp3(172K) lunchbreak.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Woman in Food Court (Hallie Singleton): "Look who's here, Jimmy. It's Santa."
Willie: "That's bleeping great."
Woman in Food Court: "Let's tell him what you want for Christmas."
Willie: "bleep. I'm on my ficking lunch break, okay?!"
management.wav(118K) management.mp3(118K) management.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Woman in Food Court: "Are you insane? Management's gonna hear about this."
Willie: "You think that's a threat? If you think you can make my life any worse, you go right ahead. Be my bleeping guest. Take a shot."
damnpantsup.wav(41K) damnpantsup.mp3(41K) damnpantsup.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Gin: "And pull your damn pants up! What's wrong with you kids these days?"
seabiscuit.wav(407K) seabiscuit.mp3(407K) seabiscuit.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "For christ's sake, make a move and stick with it, would you?"
The Kid: "King me."
Willie: "Son of a bitch! You lousy, cheating little bleep! You're bleeping with me! You did that on purpose. You sit there and you play like the bleeping dead lice are falling off of you, and then suddenly, you're like Seabisbuit all over the bleep damn place. You're a smartass, is what you are, kid."
The Kid: "Wanna play again?"
likekids.wav(102K) likekids.mp3(102K) likekids.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Sue (Lauren Graham): "So, do you like kids?"
Willie: "bleep no! What do you think I'm some kind of pervert or something?"
Sue: "I just mean because you're Santa Clause."
digginin.wav(27K) digginin.mp3(27K) digginin.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Marcus: "You probably shouldn't be diggin' in your ass."
wedgie.wav(71K) wedgie.mp3(71K) wedgie.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "Is that your underwear?"
The Kid: "Part of it."
Willie: "Where the hell's the rest of it? No, actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know."
talkingwalnut.wav(94K) talkingwalnut.mp3(94K) talkingwalnut.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
The Kid: "I want a gorilla named Davey for beating up the skateboard kids who pull on my underwear. And he could take his orders from the talking walnut, so it wouldn't be my bad thing."
beatmeup.wav(352K) beatmeup.mp3(352K) beatmeup.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy and you know what he did?"
The Kid: "He made it all better?"
Willie: "No, he kicked my ass. You know why?"
The Kid: "'Cause you went to the bathroom on Mommy's dishes?"
Willie: "What the bleep? No."
The Kid: "He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man?"
Willie: "No. It's because he was a mean, drunc son of a bitch. And when he wasn't busy busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. The world ain't fair. You gotta take what you need when you can get it. You gotta learn to stang up for yourself. You're gonna have to quit being a pussy and kick these kids in the balls or something."
getanother.wav(238K) getanother.mp3(238K) getanother.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Marcus: "You don't like it, next year, bleep off. I can always get another box jockey."
Willie: "And I can get another midgit, too."
Marcus: "Yeah, where? You see us hanging off of bleeping trees like bleeping crab apples? And even if we did, you'd never front your own racket. You know why, Willie? Because, you got no discipline. You got zero bleepin' initiative. You'd fall apart without me. You're just too pathetic for words. You're a bleeping loser, and you bleeping know it!"
forklift.wav(307K) forklift.mp3(307K) forklift.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Marcus: "What do you mean 'Get him out of here.'?"
Gin: "Take him to the car."
Marcus: "In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a motherbleepin' dwarf. So unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you should lend a hand, hmm?"
Gin: "That figures. You want all kind of set asides. Special treatment 'cause you're handicapped. You all the same."
Marcus: "Special treatment? I'm three foot bleeping tall, you bleephole! It's a matter of physics. Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh?"
Gin: "Bitch, bitch, bitch."
Marcus: "Sketch it up, you bleeping moron. bleeping Leonardo da Vinci."
turnedacorner.wav(440K) turnedacorner.mp3(440K) turnedacorner.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "You know, I think I've turned a corner."
Marcus: "Yeah? You bleeping petites now?"
Willie: "No. I'm not talking about that. I beat the bleep out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something. I don't know. Like I accomplished something."
Marcus: "You need many years of therapy. Many, many, many, bleepin' years of therapy."
intheballs.wav(198K) intheballs.mp3(198K) intheballs.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Marcus: "You don't hit people in the balls, you bleephole! (and he hits the kid in the balls)"
The Kid: "Aah!"
Willie: "What the bleep's wrong with you? He's just a kid."
Marcus: "bleep you, Willie! (He then hits Willie in the balls)"
Willie: "Ow! bleepdamn it!"
Marcus: "I told you I didn't want to do this! Making me... (Willie then hits Marcus in the balls) Ow!"
frogeyed.wav(58K) frogeyed.mp3(58K) frogeyed.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Marcus: "There he is, that lousy leather faced frog eyed motherbleeper."
andypitz.wav(84K) andypitz.mp3(84K) andypitz.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "Remember And Pitz?"
Marcus: "Andy Pitzorella? Yeah."
Willie: "No, Andy Ripitski. Andy Pitzorella was Andy Blue Balls."
Marcus: "Since he got married they call him Andy Pitzorella."
yourpoint.wav(17K) yourpoint.mp3(17K) yourpoint.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Marcus: "What's your bleepin' point?"
plughim.wav(48K) plughim.mp3(48K) plughim.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Lois (Lauren Tom): "What you waiting for, honey? Come on, plug him."
thisischristmas.wav(28K) thisischristmas.mp3(28K) thisischristmas.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "This is Christmas and the kid's gitting his bleeping present."
justmyliver.wav(135K) justmyliver.mp3(135K) justmyliver.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Willie: "I'm healing up good, and they tell me that I will soon be 100%, even with 8 bullets dug out of me, because they didn't hit any vital organs, just my liver, which is bleeped anyway. Ha, ha ha."