All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 11Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).
armrest.wav(45K) armrest.mp3(45K) armrest.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dr. Buddy Rydell (Jack Nicholson): "You're on my side of the armrest. We're not gonna have problems are we?"
jockeys.wav(43K) jockeys.mp3(43K) jockeys.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "Oh a, I'm wetting my jockeys here!"
breastimplants.wav(40K) breastimplants.mp3(40K) breastimplants.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "What is your position on breast implants?"
headset.wav(113K) headset.mp3(113K) headset.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "Where's Your headset?"
Dave Buznik (Adam Sandler): "She's busy right now, but it's coming."
Buddy: "For crying out loud you're missing important plot points."
calmdown.wav(636K) calmdown.mp3(636K) calmdown.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "Uh excuse me, could I mayby get that headset please?"
Flight Attendant (Nancy Walls): "Do not raise your voice to me sir."
Dave: "I wasn't raising my voice."
Flight Attendant: "Ok, just calm down."
Dave: "I am calm, I just want my headset."
Flight Attendant: "Sir, our country is going through a very difficult time right now. And if you're not going to cooperate..."
Dave: "I don't know where a headset ties into patriotism."
Air Marshal (Isaac C. Singleton Jr.): "Is there a problem here sir?"
Dave: "I... I don't think so."
Air Marshal: "Can you come to the back of the plane with me sir so we can have a talk?"
Dave: "A talk about what? There's not a problem here. The stewardess just keeps..."
Air Marshal: "Flight attendant."
Dave: "The flight attendant keeps ignoring me when I ask..."
Air Marshal: "Calm down!"
Dave: "I am calm. What is it with you people?"
Air Marshal: "You people?"
Dave: "Oh now wait a minute, I don't mean you people I mean you people."
Air Marshal: "Sir, I will not tolerate any racist behavior on the plane. This is a very difficult time for our country."
Dave: "I know that. I'm not a racist. I just want to watch the movie."
Air Marshal: "I'm only going to say this one more time sir. Calm down!"
Dave: "I'm calm!"
Air Marshal: "(shock him with a stun gun.)"
notguilty.wav(129K) notguilty.mp3(129K) notguilty.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "What do you think?"
Dave's Lawyer Sam (Keven Nealon): "Oh, not guilty. It's a no brainer."
Judge Brenda Daniels (Lynne Thigpen): "Mr. Buznik, in case 723 assult and battery against a flight attendant, I find you guilty."
bobbyknight.wav(245K) bobbyknight.mp3(245K) bobbyknight.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "Oh my goodness, Bobby Knight. You're in this group?"
Bobby Knight (Himself): "Well yeah, this is my first day."
Dave: "This is my first day also."
Bobby Knight: "I hope this class cures me."
Dave: "Working on the anger problem?"
Bobby Knight: "Anger, isn't this sexaholics annonymous?"
Dave: "Oh, no I think that's down the hall."
Bobby Knight: "Well the hell mith this, I'm going home!"
dontgothere.wav(409K) dontgothere.mp3(409K) dontgothere.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Lou (Luis Guzzman): "So my boss, he was talking to me about how many sick days I've taken. And I was like, you know, don't go there, you know. But, he kept on about wanting to see some kind of a doctor's note or something. And I said, look I'm seriously serious. You don't want to go there! But, he kept talking and talking and being such a nag. And then I just blacked out. I blacked out. And when I woke up, I was standing over him. And I was screaming, I told you not to go there! I told you not to go there!"
Buddy: "Well, how do you think you handled that situation?"
Lou: "Uh, not as well as I could've"
liar.wav(207K) liar.mp3(207K) liar.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "I didn't beat anyone. I touched a woman. I just..."
Chuck (John Turturo): "Liar, bullbleepter, you're a woman beater! And you can't admit it because you're a deluded piece of garbage."
Dave: "I don' know about all that but, now I understand why you're here."
Chuck: "I'm here because I was verbally attacked by my neighbor, and I took a dump on his porch."
hereweare.wav(404K) hereweare.mp3(404K) hereweare.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Stacy (Krista Allen): "Ok um well, we're in the adult film industry."
Gina (January Jones): "And we're lovers."
Stacy: "Yeah, one day, Gina was having sex with this phillipino guy Milo, which was totally cool cause it was in the script."
Gina: "And then I asked Milo back to the house with us, which is cool because we like a little variety."
Chuck: "Variety is good."
Stacy: "So anyway, in the middle of our session, I look up and I see Gina kissing Milo on the mouth, which is totally not cool, because it completely violates our threesome code of ethics."
Gina: "So, stacy bit my toe off."
Stacy: "Yeah, and then Milo freaks out and calls me a crazy skank."
Gina: "And nobody talks to my bitch that way."
Stacy: "That's right."
Gina: "So, I stapled his lips shut."
Stacy: "And here we are."
sixers.wav(334K) sixers.mp3(334K) sixers.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "Nate, didn't we decide that you shouldn,t liston to the game?"
Nate (Jonathan Loughran): "Don't worry Mr. B., it's just a regular season game, not that important. See, Iverson just missed a layup at the buzzer, Sixers loose. Who gives a crap huh? I mean it's just a silly game anyways. The anger sharks are swimming in my head. You gotta dunk that bleep! You gotta dunk that bleep!"
goosfraba.wav(550K) goosfraba.mp3(550K) goosfraba.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "Lisotn to me, liston to me, stay with me Nate. Now repeat after me. Goosfraba"
Nate: "Goos blah blah."
Buddy: "Not not not blah blah Nate. Goosfraba."
Buddy: "That's better. Slower."
Buddy: "Ah, how do you feel?"
eskimos.wav(42K) eskimos.mp3(42K) eskimos.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Lou: "Eskiwos seem nice."
Stacy and Gina: "Yeah, they do."
Chuck: "I think eskimos are smug."
bothnuts.wav(39K) bothnuts.mp3(39K) bothnuts.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "What, you think you're better than me, cause you got both your nuts?"
notchuck.wav(147K) notchuck.mp3(147K) notchuck.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "No no no, not Chuck. Gimmie Bobby Knight or the porno girls."
Chuck: "Hey, heard we're partnering up huh? Here's my number."
Dave: "Oh, great. You're gonna die bitch."
Chuck: "Oops, that's a letter I'm writing to Geraldo Rivera."
Dave: "I see."
Chuck: "My bad."
badmood.wav(333K) badmood.mp3(333K) badmood.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "I'm in a... I'm in a bad mood Dave, a bad mood, a very bad mood. I was fired from my ice cream truck today, no more fugicles."
Linda (Marissa Tomei): "What's an anger ally?"
Chuck: "Who's that? She making fun of me?"
Dave: "Nooo. That's my gilrfriend."
Chuck: "You tell her to put a sock in it, alright, cause I need to talk to you right now!"
Dave: "We're a little bit busy right now Chuck."
Chuck: "Are you busy? We're all busy, ok. You come down here before the black wolf swallows my brain! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
waitress.wav(40K) waitress.mp3(40K) waitress.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "Miss, excuse me miss. Is this uh slow and stupid waitress day?"
bananna.wav(68K) bananna.mp3(68K) bananna.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "Damn man, reminds me of these chicks back in the war, would give you the old licky licky and then fry your bananna."
grenada.wav(269K) grenada.mp3(269K) grenada.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "I have seen some bleep man. I have seen some bleep: wake up to the sound of kids screaming, explosions ewerywhere, you never know when your number's up."
Dave: "Ooph' Vietnam huh?"
Chuck: "Grenada man."
Dave: "Greneda, wasn't that like 12 hours long?"
seethat.wav(319K) seethat.mp3(319K) seethat.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "You see that?"
Dave: "See what?"
Chuck: "That guy, he just gave me a look."
Dave: "That guy? He didn't give you a look."
Chuck: "Yeah, and I'm pretty sure I heard him mutter some kind of anti-semetic remark."
Dave: "Well, are you Jewish?"
Chuck: "I could be, but no. Half Irish, half Italian, half Mexican. Let's go over there and give those guys some tsuris."
Dave: "Well, the guy on the left is blind Chuck."
Chuck: "I here you, he's yours."
blindman.wav(102K) blindman.mp3(102K) blindman.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Judge Brenda Daniels: "You cracked a waitress in the face while attempting to steal a blind man's cane?"
Dave's Lawyer Sam: "Uh, your honor, we,re not even sure how blind this man really is."
happynow.wav(20K) happynow.mp3(20K) happynow.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Blind Man (Harry Dean Stanton): "Happy now, Ass Wipe?"
harsh.wav(40K) harsh.mp3(40K) harsh.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave's Lawyer Sam: "Isn't that a bit harsh your honor?"
Judge Brenda Daniels: "No!"
Dave's Lawyer Sam: "Ok."
goodbad.wav(110K) goodbad.mp3(110K) goodbad.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "Is this good or bad?"
Dave's Lawyer Sam: "Well, it's bad that he's talking to her, but it's good that uh... No, it's bad. It's all bad."
lair.wav(65K) lair.mp3(65K) lair.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "Well, well, well, the lair of the rage rhino. I smell the efluvium of pain and frustration."
music.wav(149K) music.mp3(149K) music.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "I don,t want you listoning to any angry music."
Dave: "The Carpenters are angry? I mean..."
Buddy: "Don't be naive Dave. Close To You, We've Only Just Begun, songs of madness and obsession."
youranger.wav(81K) youranger.mp3(81K) youranger.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "I'm gonna need for you to retard your anger level a few notches and liston to me. Can you do that?."
Dave: "Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah, it's it's retarded, I'm retarded."
rageenhancing.wav(160K) rageenhancing.mp3(160K) rageenhancing.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "You may not use rage enhancing substances such as: caffine, nicotine, alcohol, crack cocaine, Slippy-Flippies, Jelly Stingers, Tricky Sticks, Bing Bangs or Flying Willards."
Dave: "How about Fiddle Faddles?"
Buddy: "Under my supervision."
goodguy.wav(101K) goodguy.mp3(101K) goodguy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "I'm a pretty good guy, and I think you'll be pleasently surprised at how much fun we can have together."
Dave: "Geez, without Slippy-Flippies or angry masturbating. I don't see how that's possible."
sarcasm.wav(44K) sarcasm.mp3(44K) sarcasm.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin. From now on, unacceptable."
overeasy.wav(117K) overeasy.mp3(117K) overeasy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "Holy bleep!"
Buddy: "I said over easy!"
Dave: "Now, why did I do that?"
Buddy: "Because I refused to spoon with you last night?"
piehole.wav(29K) piehole.mp3(29K) piehole.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "Shut your piehole, we're working here!"
ifeelpretty.wav(1069K) ifeelpretty.mp3(1069K) ifeelpretty.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave And Buddy: "(Dave sings "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story.)"
mrhead.wav(43K) mrhead.mp3(43K) mrhead.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "Might I have your first name Mr. Head and tell me it isn't Dick."
brokenose.wav(116K) brokenose.mp3(116K) brokenose.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "Your assistant beat the bejesus out of a flight attendant."
Dave: "No I didn't."
Buddy: "You broke her nose."
Dave: "I broke the cocktail waitresses nose. I mean I accidentally did that."
tas.wav(171K) tas.mp3(171K) tas.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "So' why do you feel you have to appologize because you,re suffering from T.A.S.?"
Frank Head (Kurt Fuller): "Um, T.A.S.?"
Buddy: "Toxic Anger Syndrome."
Dave: "I don't have T.A.S.."
Buddy: "He's angry. It's a sickness not a crime Fran."
Dave: "His name is Frank!"
bluewhale.wav(145K) bluewhale.mp3(145K) bluewhale.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "Well, well, well, this guy's got quite a basket on him."
Dave: "Really, I didn't notice that."
Buddy: "Do you really want the love of your life hanging around with a guy who looks as though he could satisfy a blue whale?"
ladiesroom.wav(65K) ladiesroom.mp3(65K) ladiesroom.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Nancy (Lorna Scott): "What are you doing in the ladies' room Dave?"
Dave: "Sorry, I just heard you guys got cleaner seats that us."
undressed.wav(259K) undressed.mp3(259K) undressed.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "Get undressed."
Dave: "What did you say?"
Buddy: "Take off your clothes. I've got a stress reduction technique I want to show you. It'll be good for you."
Dave: "Take off my clothes! Do you want to see me naked Buddy?"
Buddy: "Are you a homaphobe Dave?"
Dave: "No, I'm a pulling-my-penis-out-in-front-of-you-a-phobe."
wildside.wav(26K) wildside.mp3(26K) wildside.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "Let's take a walk on the wild side."
ohboy.wav(19K) ohboy.mp3(19K) ohboy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "Oh boy, here we go!"
galaxia.wav(407K) galaxia.mp3(407K) galaxia.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "What uh part of Germany do you hail from?"
Galaxia (Woddy Harrelson): "I'm from a little Bavarian villiage called Lickin Zee Dickin. Care to visit?"
Dave: "Actually, I like to spend most of my time in uh Girls Without Wieners-ville. I'm more comfortable there."
Buddy: "He's just not used to male intimacy."
Galaxia: "Well, that's okay, because I'm a lady. Oops, no I'm not."
Dave: "Whoa! There it is okay."
Galaxia: "Whoo! I feel like dancing, dancing. Ahhh!"
Dave: "Oh my god."
shemale.wav(31K) shemale.mp3(31K) shemale.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "I'm not having sex with a she-male relax!"
freaks.wav(34K) freaks.mp3(34K) freaks.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Galaxia: "You know what? You guys are freaks."
great.wav(22K) great.mp3(22K) great.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "Great! Can I go throw up now?"
hugeballs.wav(128K) hugeballs.mp3(128K) hugeballs.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "Wasn't that sick? She looked like Olivia Newton John if she was really ugly and had huge balls."
clamchowder.wav(165K) clamchowder.mp3(165K) clamchowder.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "Oh, you're all I got Mom. Please don't leave me. No more clam chowder."
thereheis.wav(17K) thereheis.mp3(17K) thereheis.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "Oh god, there he is."
batting.wav(397K) batting.mp3(397K) batting.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "Well' you're batting a thousand in craziness. Now we're bumping into cars."
Buddy: "I'm just making a little room to back up. If I had lost my temper would I have had the presence of mind to leave my card and my insurance information?"
Dave: "Whatever Mr Insane-Vein-Popping-A-Little-Too-Far-Out-Of-His-Head-While-Swinging-The-Bat Guy. I think you've got room to back up."
flirt.wav(212K) flirt.mp3(212K) flirt.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "I'm not telling you to elope with her Dave. Just go over there and flirt a little bit."
Dave: "Flirting is cheatings' ugly cousin Buddy. I am not a cheater."
Buddy: "Is it considered cheating if you we're passed around the cellblock like a peace pipe? Because, that is what's on the docket if you don't go over there and ask her out. Ok dave?"
buydrink.wav(105K) buydrink.mp3(105K) buydrink.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "I was wondering if I could buy you a drink. I mean I see that you have a drink already but, I could get you another one when you're through with that one."
Kendra (Heather Graham): "Bite me!"
rejected.wav(69K) rejected.mp3(69K) rejected.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "Can you guess why she rejected you Dave?"
Dave: "Because she wanted to be like the 2000 other girls who used to say that to me growing up?"
verbatim.wav(153K) verbatim.mp3(153K) verbatim.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "Just go over there and repeat the following verbatim: I'm sorry I was so rude before but. it's difficult for me to express myself when I'm on the verge or exploding in my pants."
releaseme.wav(171K) releaseme.mp3(171K) releaseme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "So, if I repeat that crazy bleep that you probably stole from a porno flick, you sick bastard and get rejected, you will release me from the program?"
Dave: "Here we go."
tooskinny.wav(197K) tooskinny.mp3(197K) tooskinny.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Kendra: "So now I'm too skinny for you?"
Dave: "No no no no no, I didn't mean that."
Kendra: "Is this what you want Dave?"
Kendrra: "If I put on a few pounds, will you be able to stifle your vomit long enough to have sex with me?"
Dave: "Holy bleep."
Kendra: "Are you such a hot stud that you're gonna break me in two?"
itoldher.wav(131K) itoldher.mp3(131K) itoldher.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "What else could I do?"
Dave: "What else could you do? You could've told her something else: I was at the bank, I was at the store, H ate some bad guacamole and I couldn't stop bleepting! Any yone of those would've been fine!"
toldmetodo.wav(34K) toldmetodo.mp3(34K) toldmetodo.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "I just did what you told me to do you sick demented man!"
testical.wav(110K) testical.mp3(110K) testical.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "She doesn't know any Andreas. Do you mean Andrew?"
Buddy: "Yeah, that's it, Andrew, the testical with legs."
Dave: "The testical with legs, Great!"
hum.wav(88K) hum.mp3(88K) hum.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "Hum a little "I Feel Pretty"."
Dave: "No! How about you hum me "I'm a crazy bleephole song", and take me home you psychotic piece of wacko."
wereeven.wav(23K) wereeven.mp3(23K) wereeven.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Arnie Shankman (John C. Reilly): "Now we're even buttlick!"
monks.wav(68K) monks.mp3(68K) monks.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "It's just that monks they talk bleep but, they can't back it up."
rockathim.wav(86K) rockathim.mp3(86K) rockathim.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Chuck: "So the guy asked me for change..."
Lou: "Uh huh?"
Chuck: "I laughed in his face. He cursed at me. H took a wiz on him. What else could I do?"
Nate: "You should have tossed a rock at him."
calmeddown.wav(269K) calmeddown.mp3(269K) calmeddown.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Nate: "Look at you Lou, you really have calmed down since working with Dr. B."
Lou: "We all have."
Neighbor (Sydney Ganis): "Hey fellas, culd you please bring it down a little bit? We,re trying to have dinner and the walls are really thin."
Nate Lou and Chuck: "(Yell incoherantly at the neighbor.)"
Dave: "Goosfraba! Goosfraba!"
Nate Lou and Chuck: "Goosfraba."
enormis.wav(185K) enormis.mp3(185K) enormis.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "Let me ask you guys something. Because of your profession, you probably have seen a lot of them. Does size count at all or is that just some wierd thing guys think about?"
Stacy: "Alright, you see, this is where Gina and I always get into a heated debate. I like them when they'e really big."
Gina: "and I think it,s better when they're enormis"
ragecontrol.wav(79K) ragecontrol.mp3(79K) ragecontrol.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "You know uh, I'd like to talk to you alone for a second. There's a rage control technique I'd like to go over with you right now."
backstabbing.wav(54K) backstabbing.mp3(54K) backstabbing.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "You are the biggest back stabbing piece of crap I ever met."
Buddy: "What are you saying?"
contained.wav(227K) contained.mp3(227K) contained.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "Now the situation is contained. You and I control the game."
Buddy: "I will be uncharacteristically agressively boring. I keep talking about myself, acting arrogant and obnoxious, when Linda sees what the dating world is really like, then guess who comes out smelling like a white mushroom?"
bowdown.wav(53K) bowdown.mp3(53K) bowdown.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "When you hear what happened, yoe're gonna bow down and worship me like a god."
kiss.wav(250K) kiss.mp3(250K) kiss.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "One second we're fighting and the next second we're laughing and then just a quick ten second kiss."
Dave: "I thought you said five seconds."
Buddy: "First it was a five second one and then a little break because my beard gave her a tickle. She's cute. and then a ten second frencher."
Dave: "You had your crazy caroded tounge in my girlfriends' mouth?"
news.wav(175K) news.mp3(175K) news.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Buddy: "I,ve got some good news for you and some potentially upsetting news. First the good news: I'm gonna sign your papers, you're a free man."
Dave: "Uh huh, let me hear the potentially upsetting news."
Buddy: "Linda and I have fallen for one another."
intheroom.wav(145K) intheroom.mp3(145K) intheroom.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "I've been getting your coffee, and doing your work for you for five years now, and when a good position actually opens up, you give it to the biggest dick in the world."
Andrew (Allen Covert): "I don't know about the biggest in the world, but it's definitely the biggest in the room."
okay.wav(384K) okay.mp3(384K) okay.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Dave: "Now, when I started here. I was promised advancement opportunities, and breaking that promise, to me, is unacceptable. You see, I golf also. You should bring m sometime. So, when I get out of jail, sometime within the next two to five years, I expect you to do the right thing, and give me the position that Andrew just resigned from."
goingcrazy.wav(123K) goingcrazy.mp3(123K) goingcrazy.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Lou: "Davey's oing crazy."
Chuck: "Hey, I've done crazier stuff than that to win back a chick. Once I ran naked through a subway station."
Nate: "How was that supposed to work?"
Chuck: "I guess I never really thought it through."
sweettackle.wav(112K) sweettackle.mp3(112K) sweettackle.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Croud: "(Gasps in awe at Dave being taken out by Robert Merrill)"
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani (Himself): "Ooh! Sweet tackle."
Nate: "Oh' Dave just got leveled, Yeah!"
Robert Merrill (Himself): "Nobody messis with my microphone."
youcandoit.wav(67K) youcandoit.mp3(67K) youcandoit.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Mayor Giuliani: "You can do it David... Give her a five second frencher!"
jokeonus.wav(35K) jokeonus.mp3(35K) jokeonus.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Lou: "Dr. B., Davey just pulled a joke on us!"